Not blending families?

[Rainboho]

Been with DP for three years, both divorced, both have respective DDs all between 9 and 13. They all broadly get on but don’t realistically spend a huge amount of time together.

I love my DP, cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. We would very much like to live together and I miss him very much when he is not around. But, however much we would like this - we just cannot see how it would be the best thing for the girls. We are both able to run independent households without any issue so there isn’t that a driver. We have talked and talked but can only keep coming back to the conclusion of living separately and not families until the DDs are adults. We are both late 30s.

This has also meant the decision not to have a baby together, which I am particularly sad about, but my head sees this is the right thing for everyone.

I feel pretty confused about my feelings, on one hand I would live with him yesterday if it was just us, but we have DDs to consider and realistically they will be grown up in a blink leaving us lots of time to be together. But why do I feel so insecure, sad and weird about it? Everyone else seems to blend families so what’s wrong with us?

I think the reason you feel discombobulated about your DPs attitude to blending is that we all want to feel our partners/want us and the fact that he has put his 'sensible hat' on re moving in together feels a little like rejection. (Although with YOUR sensible and logical hat on you know that this is not the case).

The blended family thing is hard in some ways and surprisingly easy in others. We are over a decade down the road from where you are now. I have 3, he has 5. (Although eldest nearly an adult and at Uni when we met) They were 3,4,7 & 9. Mine 5, 8 & 11. They are not close by any means. They get on fine. There has never been an argument between the two camps but it is very much two camps. Much less so when they were little but as they've gone to secondary school have formed their own relationships. All have very good social lives now. All chat to each other on social media. All are 'friends' but not 'brother and sister'. It's absolutely fine ! Don't force it. Don't expect some Walton's style huge family. They are all individuals.
We can't have got it too wrong as his no. 2&3 moved in with us as soon as they were able to express a preference to the court.
We have an extremely hostile ex (his) and a lovely supportive ex (mine)

Don't over think it. Making it a place they want to be is what's important. Not all the material stuff. For example , despite the fact its meant to cause all manner of long term psychological horrors, none of his kids had their own room at ours. We simply didn't have the money for a seven bedroom house .. yet they chose to live with us despite having this at 'home'.

It all seems a long time ago now. Only 13 yrs. but everyone is moving to Uni/College. No more court/CAO.. able to visit when they want... and loads of time for DH and I. Bliss

It sounds like you're together for the long haul, whether you live together or not.
Would you consider having another baby if you were the main carer?

Looking at this from the other perspective-my exh is in a relationship with a woman whose children my kids know (same class at school) and whom they don't especially like (kids just polar opposites in personality). They talk a lot about how they do not want to spend time with the woman's children and are nervous that at some point in the future living together will be pushed on them.
It's affecting their relationship with their Dad a bit-who has recently started to try and have them spend time with the woman and presumably her kids. From their point of view I can see how they would find it incredibly awkward and at 10 and 13 they don't white have the social skills or emotional ability to cope with the situation.
I know of another couple in a situation like that-kids knew each other but weren't especially friendly and they have elected not to live together until the kids are adults -because trying To do so would be too hard on all the children involved.

I'm in a situation which has some similarities. The differences are that I'm older than you and neither of us want more kids. And also that I'm not currently bothered by not living together.

We both have kids and are both the resident parents - his late teens, mine pre-teen. All kids have connections where they live - school etc. We live 30 minutes apart. We both work near where we live. We both have frail elderly parents living near us. Either of us moving house would be a massive hassle all round. We've been together for 2 years. So basically we won't be moving in together for the foreseeable future.

Whilst I often wish we could spend more time together, I also value what I already have. Life is long and I think we'll have plenty of time just the 2 of us, when our kids have left home and elderly parents are no longer with us. In the meantime, we have gradually increased the things we do together, and this summer we're going on our first holiday together (not his kids though, they're too old for family holidays).

No advice really, but that's my situation.

We have discussed the possibility of a baby with me as the main carer, but ultimately decided against it.

Its really good to hear of others experiences too - Im feeling a little less unusual now!

You’re doing the right thing

Parenting. It’s tough when you do it right.

I would say not having a baby is a really smart move.
In 3/4 yrs you will be away from day to day hands on child care and can really enjoy each other. Go away, go out in the evening without the worry of babysitters. A whole world of a more relaxing life with a loving partner. Bliss !

A baby means no let up for another 14/15 years. God no ! 😩

Thanks Highhorse and Font, the having some life back is obviously a bonus although I think I will always feel a little sad about not having a baby together, there are also benefits.

I’m feeling a lot better about it all now and having talked a bit more to DP, including about this thread, which has helped.

Get a puppy - much less onerous, lots of fun, hugs and cuddles and will bind you all together....

I’m more of a cat person @another20 and DP is allergic so maybe living together really isn’t going to work 😏