Wives tend to get shamed more for staying with a husband who has had a affair than the wives that decide to le

[Mytwistedimagination]

Anyone experienced this?
Does it make a difference if there were many years between the affair and the wife finding out (many 'happy' shared years from the POV of the wife)?
And do ppl shame the wife who stays more than the bastard who cheated?
A few weeks after finding out, and I've had some subtle ltb from friends, I'm thinking they're a bit disapproving that I didn't do that as soon as I found out. I'm in social media avoidance atm as its still raw. Can't really be doing with judgement on top of everything else...

Oh, the title was from another thread, in which someone made that comment. Last word was 'leave'.

Firstly, big hug to you - I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

However - what?!?!?! Surely, it is the cheating bastard husband who is shamed?

My ex-H had an affair and I can honestly say that no one made me feel ashamed, not when I was trying to make a go of things, nor when I decided I couldn't and kicked him out.

What kind of friends judge you?!

No experience, but perhaps they think you deserve better?

I wouldnt try to make you feel ashamed either way, you have done nothing wrong.
I would feel sorry for anyone who had been cheated on. I hated the thought that people felt sorry for me when it happened to me, that he had made me a victim. It really bothered me and made me angry.
I chucked him out instantly but wouldn't judge a woman who didn't, especially if there were kids or a very long relationship involved.
People do say stupid things in difficult situations, try not to take it to heart and keep the most supportive people closest.

I think it depends on the details of the affair.

Like how long it lasted... was he nasty during the affair...did he confess...did he spend marital assets....is he remorseful...does he love you..A recent thread here was the cheater telling his wife he didn't love her and she still wanted to reconcile...

I mean this nicely but are you sure that you aren't judging yourself and therefore feeling other people's concern as judgement?

I think people tend to express their anger towards the cheater in a way that can make the cheatee feel criticised. Although I did decide to stay with H I felt pretty crap about my decision to stay and some posters on MN didn't help TBH. However sometimes the comments that sting most have some truth to them - I found that from time to time.

In the end what matters is what is right for you but it takes time to understand what that is. No-one else can help you with that and they shouldn't try to.

I guess it’s a very personal decision and depends on a lot of different factors and so hard for people to know what they’d do in that situation unless they experienced it themselves. I have a friend who’s partner had an affair, before she knew she said she’d never stay with a man who cheated, but actually she did stay with him and they seem really happy now.
When I found out I did ask her if she was sure she wanted to stay with him (perhaps because we’d had several weeks messaging where she was calling him awful names!) when I look at it in hindsight I guess she could have taken that as me judging her, but it certainly wasn’t intended that way - I just wanted to make sure she was not letting herself in for more hurt.

I do think so yes. I think women get shamed more than men in general. 'Why on earth does she put up with it?!' rather then 'why the fuck does he do it?', that kind of thing. I know of two couples who stayed together after infidelity and both are 10+ years on and are happily married.

I wonder whether it's that they assume that the cheat will do it again, and that they'll then feel pressure to be there and help pick up the pieces again, every time.

A bit like how people get burned out supporting someone leaving a partner who's been abusive in other ways, when they've left several times and keep going back.

It's a bit premature, though, if they're reacting that way the first time, I would have said. And selfish. If it did happen multiple times, and they said "I can't be there for you over this any more, I'm sorry", instead of shaming the cheated-on spouse, then that would be fine, imo. There's no need for them to jump the gun on assuming they'll be called on for support if there is a next time.

I don't think women are shamed more, but they do have a choice to make when they find out.

To stay with someone that has treated you so appallingly will be unfathomable to some people, its not necessarily about shaming you rather than caring for you and thinking you deserve better.

I know someone who's husband had an affair 20 years ago, I still can't bear to look at him even though she forgave him. I still love her but I still wish she hadn't given him another chance. It angers me that he thinks he's such a great husband, he wasn't the one with his devastated wife the night and days following her finding out. She forgave him, I won't.

I don’t think it is that they get judged more than the cheater but certainly the decision to leave and end the relationship because of cheating is seen as being strong, so I guess when you stay the implication is one of weakness. It’s difficult because it is very hard to leave a marriage (I’m not saying it can’t be equally hard to stay in one) and so one of the ways to reinforce it is to be really positive about it and see it as a sign of strength and determination - which sets up those who stay in opposition, not deliberately but I can very much see how it creates that.

I don't know whether women are shamed more, but there is certainly a lot of negativity towards women who stay with a spouse who is unfaithful. Women who don't leave often seem to be perceived to be 'weak' and lacking in self-respect, or taking the 'easy' way out. I find the lack of sympathy towards a woman who tries to hold her marriage and family together after infidelity baffling. I imagine all people who remain in a marriage after infidelity are trying to do what they think is best for them and their family. Staying may be the right decision or the wrong one, depending on a whole host of circumstances, but it's not a course of action which should attract blame or criticism, anymore than ending the relationship should.

I think a lot of people assume (often helped by rumours spread by the cheater) that there was something wrong with the other partner to make their partner cheat: that they were cold, or too busy, or that the relationship was loveless or sexless. There's a very deep seated belief that things between couples stay between couples and that there must be 'two sides to every story' in the sense of blame on all sides. I also think that there is fear that infidelity can happen all too easily so it's useful to other couples to have a narrative around some kind of defect with the party who got cheated on. This makes it less threatening in a 'couldn't happen to me' kind of way.

I can completely understand it can be complex and there's factors like finances, kids, shared history and all that, but having spent a large portion of my life being a softie and making excuses for crappy behavior from men, I got to a point where I don't think that ever turns out well and I stopped doing it.

Nowadays, I cut people off if they hurt me or push me too far and I don't think there's any way I could forgive and forget a cheating spouse. Not because I am cold or anything but just because I think once someone has well and truly betrayed the foundations of the relationship then maybe the consequences should be that they lose you.

I think a lot of the people here have "been there done that" and gone through periods of accepting less than they deserve. It's difficult to watch someone making all the same mistakes you made and regret.

I wonder whether it's that they assume that the cheat will do it again, and that they'll then feel pressure to be there and help pick up the pieces again, every time.

Good point.

They see you going through so much hurt and then you get back with the source of the pain.

I've always said if my DH cheated...I wouldn't tell my family unless I was getting divorced.

So many people tell all and sundry, they talk of the cheating lying husband who took the OW to X place..or introduced her to the kids...or they slept in the marital bed...or he gave her an STD...and then they seem surprised their friends aren't jumping for joy or arent happy at the prospect of a reconciliation.

If It was a friend of mine I'd point out the risks and let her do as she wishes...but I hate to see people being taken for a fool.

I also think men who stay with women who cheat are seen as weak. Much more so than women who stay with a man who cheats.

IME men are much less likely to tell friends/family their wife has cheated. They feel ashamed and emasculated.

In fact I was supporting a man whose wife cheated and she wanted to tell his parents what she'd done..by way of owing it. He told her in no uncertain terms he didn't want that...and if she went against his wishes...he would divorce her.

At the end of the day, in theory, none of us should stay with anyone who cheats on us, in reality, it's not so simple is it; I must admit I have more admiration for anyone that leaves a relationship because they feel they deserve better, that's how it should be.

Women who stay with men who are genuinely remorseful and feel the enormity of what they have done are there because they feel it's worth keeping.

Women who stay for any other reason, imo, are selling themselves short.

Lots of food for thought here, thank you. And thanks for the hug margo :)

I'm pretty much of the opinion that if I'd found out at the time I'd have left. It would have been an easy decision I think. However, as there has been such a long time since it happened and finding out, with a lot of good years in between, including marriage and kids, it doesn't seem as easy a decision. The ow has obviously moved on easily, and denied the details which make her look bad.

Sadly, one of the first friends I asked seemed to be of the opinion that ltb was the only option, no other details were relevant.

Thx to those who've shared stories of reconciliation. It's encouraging to hear the betrayed spouse can be happy again,
where the cheating spouse is truly remorseful.

I found out my husband had an affair 6 months ago. I asked him to leave for a few months but we are in the slow process of reconciling.

I have to say, no one has overtly expressed any opinion of weakness and in fact a number of people have express led their admiration.

It is absolutely not weakness from my point of view. I’m not weak in the slightest. It’s all on him.

I do agree though with a previous PP, that some people who are further removed from the immediate knowledge/support network, do probably think ‘oh she must’ve done such and such to make him cheat’. Fuck them, they have all been cut off. I don’t need that and I certainly will not surround myself with victim blamers or people who will in any way try and explain my husband’s unilateral decision.

What I have begun to realise is that cheating is one way in which people let each other down and break trust. It’s the most obvious for LTB. But there are a multitude of other reasons why trust can be broken.

I also know lots and lots of people in unhappy marriages or period of unhappiness. Yes there may not have been cheating, but is it any less ‘weak’ to stay and try and work things out in those scenarios? No, I think not.

I do agree though about men ‘staying’. The OW in my husband’s affair is married. Her husband immediately said he would do anything to make it better and they didn’t tell anyone.

I admire anyone who can who wants to stay and save the marriage.
And it's totally your life and your decision.
If you were my friend then I'd not be judging, that's for sure.
If you are happy with your decision then you carry on and ignore people trying to shame you.
LTB when cheating is concerned is never cut and dried.
(unless it's prostitutes)
It's the harder path that's for sure.
But this is so historic that you don't want to just throw years of a good marriage away.
And that is entirely your decision.
Hopefully it's all going OK now.

The abuse I got on line when asked for help and advice after I had decided to stay was unreal. It hurt nearly as much as the affair and pretty much broke me.

In real life I have had no abuse or judgement.... to my face. I am sure people have their own opinions behind my back.

That said if anyone came to me for advice I'd not recommend reconciliation. It is very hard as the pain and the knowledge of what they have done and what they are capable of does not go away.

In my experience yes. The woman gets shamed for remaining after affair

A woman gets shamed for not leaving an abuser

A woman gets shamed for picking an unsuitable father to fall accidentally pregnant by

A woman always gets shamed over a man... whatever he's done

I haven't experienced this.
Perhaps sometimes friends know details the cheated on partner doesn't know.
I do think in the past there was more pressure to stay and tolerate an unhappy marriage.

Thank you thank you lucky and hellsbells. I had a bad day yesterday and your posts made me feel slightly more positive. Hope things are going well for you lucky.

namechange that's just horrible - that strangers online are just so negative and horrid towards someone who is obviously having a hard time and struggling. There are some nasty individuals out there. I hope you're in a better place now.

twisted I expect you will have many crap days. I do. But my husband continues to work hard to show me his remorse. In many ways he experiences a similar pain to me. The realisation that he is (or has been) that person. The brutal introspection at who he is, what he had become and who he wants to be. The complete disappointment of his friends and colleagues at the feeling that he let them down too (that sort of feeling that people feel they know someone are are shocked that they too misjudged him).

He has had it from all sides. I have had support. He has too in a way, but a support that has looked to me first, then him. Quite rightly of course.

It has also allowed us in this short time to redress the imbalance in our relationship that came post children. He has been made to see that contrary to him thinking he was the be all and end all, he was a shit husband and a shit father and that I held everything together while all he concentrated on was work. I honestly can’t see how I’d ever have made him see this had something huge not happened, and something of his doing to make him see he was a knob, and to make others see he was a knob (he is very good at his job so gets praise ALL the time, and we see a lot of his clients outside of work so it was almost 360 praise, except at home!!). He doesn’t get so much baseless praise these days I can tell you!

I have no idea what the future holds, but we have created happy times since the discovery that we wouldn’t have had otherwise. I hope we can create more of those.

But I am also much more cautious and paranoid. I fear ‘new’ situations in case they lead to something. But I could equally say that of me too.

Neither of us expected this of him. He has been VERY scathing of cheaters in the past. It truly can happen to anyone.

Scorn and judgement are seriously misplaced. And no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I wish to the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

Remember, it is possible to leave a marriage at any time for any reason. You don’t have to make any decisions now or even in the near or medium term future.