Wives tend to get shamed more for staying with a husband who has had a affair than the wives that decide to le

[Mytwistedimagination]

Anyone experienced this?
Does it make a difference if there were many years between the affair and the wife finding out (many 'happy' shared years from the POV of the wife)?
And do ppl shame the wife who stays more than the bastard who cheated?
A few weeks after finding out, and I've had some subtle ltb from friends, I'm thinking they're a bit disapproving that I didn't do that as soon as I found out. I'm in social media avoidance atm as its still raw. Can't really be doing with judgement on top of everything else...

It’s always ltb from others, but it’s hard to do so.

You had no idea, you’re facing something you couldn’t have anticipated that’s historic.

Work through it with support, and you’ll know how you want to play it and don’t be ashamed.

Make sure you’re true to yourself on what you feel about this though. Let it surface, that’s important.

A counsellor is always good, they’re impartial. Good luck OP. I’m really sorry, just reading this and I felt the hurt.

What sunshine said

In my experience this is much more the case on here than in real life. My husband cheated and I threw him out nearly a year ago. Now (probably because time has healed some of my pain) I am wavering. I get the impression from some of my friends that they would be happy for me if I took him back. I think there is only one staunch LTB. But when I was in the initial anguish and posted on here I was praised for being strong for every step I took to move away from him and build a new life, but completely slated for having anything to do with him and any regret or indecision was definitely viewed as weakness.

LTB seems to be almost a stock response on here,with scant regard to what might actually be best for the op and their family. In reality people do forgive each other, can re build relationships. On mn I often read things like 'how on earth could you stay after X?', 'how could you bring yourself to sleep with someone who does Y?'. I'm obviously not talking about abusive relationships here tbw. It's not supportive or constructive, it's smug and unpleasant and judgmental of other women . I am very much in love with my dp, I know I have never been unfaithful and I'm as sure as anyone ever can be that he hasn't either. There is no way to say how I'd feel if it emerged he had an affair many years ago but I know that it wouldn't be an automatic leave.

Yes and that’s a very good point that dubious makes! I didn’t know my husband had had an affair until I found out. None of us actually know anything for absolute certain (except in relation to ourselves!). We take massive steps to trust our loved ones every day. That’s what you have to rebuild. Trust.

But the proclamations of certainty I see daily are just patently untrue. I too could’ve (and would’ve probably!) said the same. But I was wrong.

The problem is that you've put your friends in a difficult situation. They know that your OH has behaved like a shit towards you, but because you're staying with him they're going to be expected to continue interacting with this man and make nice with him, when most likely they can't stand him now.

Not really notdavid. We have few friends in common, and I don't really care if they dislike him because of his behaviour. I think it might make him realise what a shit he's been. His parents think the sun shines out of his butt as it is. This seems to have been practically ignored by them, apart from an email from his mother seeming to question my mental health in daring to doubt him. So if some friends let him know he was a shit, I see nothing wrong in that, it's the reality of the situation, which he deserves. I don't expect them to play nice. I'd be happy if they didn't.

lucky we have the same dynamic wrt dh job, which is quite high profile and personally rewarding for him, with lots of positive feedback and recognition. Meanwhile I just slog away with my stuff/kids/house/pets while he works away. It's hard not to be taken for granted over that too, or think that's why I'm obviously so uninteresting he looked around for excitement, etc. Guess I'm at the self blaming stage. :(

It's not supportive or constructive, it's smug and unpleasant and judgmental of other women
I agree InDubious.

Thx platterheed.

Because its finally changed. Women can leave. They have a choice not to put up with a cheating shit. Having been the child of a mum who stayed and prolonged everyones musery i also shame women who stay. It fucks up the kids forever. The onus is on the cheater but that is men for you, and will never change. So women must either deal with the problem or ignore it: leave or stay. Only one will allow her to be honest and free, and it is better for the children.
Im so sorry x

It’s every day sexism prevailing yet again. When a man cheats both the OW and a woman who potentially stays with him are vilified, very rarely the man.

Because for the man it is expected and normal to cheat.

I think one of the worst things about an affair is that it means you don't know your own history. It's as though your life is a jigsaw, and you thought you knew every piece of it and where it went. Then you realise that actually there were gaping great holes there, that you were completely unaware of it. And once you know about the affair, those pieces fall into place - not all at once, though usually a lot at a time, but even years later, one little piece will slip into place and you realise what the actuality of your life was. It can be as simple as "Oh so he had put petrol in twice in one day - so it wasn't the garage that had double charged him..."

It really is like smashing a vase and being unable to put it all together again. I honestly think that people who have an affair have no bloody idea of the damage it does - they think that as long as they behave OK at home and give a reasonable excuse for their absence, all will be alright, but the fact is that often the other person knows something's wrong, but can't put a finger on what it is.

It was that feeling of not feeling like I understood my own life that made me go to the doctor for ADs. It's something I'll never forgive my ex husband for. He knew why I was going - I said, "I feel like I'm going mad, as though the life I'm living isn't the life I'm actually living" - he let me go to the doctor, take the pills, all the while knowing damn well the reason why I was feeling like that. Once I knew what was actually going on, I came off the ADs - I hadn't needed them at all.

Affairs humiliate the woman regatdless of if she stays or leaves tbh. Dorty bastard cheats should get their bits removed by law

I think the problem arises when certain women really bad mouth their dh and tell people horror stroies about their cheating dh and then go back to him.
Just be careful about the things your share about you dh to others. Just because you can forgive him, it don't mean everyone else can. For example, my aunty dh cheater and she told everyone every bad thing he did. Then after a few months forgave him. All this new information regarding him has changed the way I see him. If she forgives him then fine, I just step back as she is an adult with enough problems she don't need me making things worse for her. My opinion of her is that she is very resilient and forgiving. I could never have forgiven half the things he did to her. If she can handle it then thats her business. But her husband, I hate him for what he did to her. So please don't bad mouth your dh, if you can help it. If you feel like ranting be selective to who you rant to.

earth I haven't been bad mouthing him to all and sundry. My sister is the only one who knows any details. I told his mum what I suspected when he was still denying it even as I was saying he was pushing me into walking out. Fat lot of help or support she was. It's easy to see where his dismissive attitude comes from. Some others know he cheated, but not details. It would just be pointless and embarrassing. I totally get how it would be problematic in the future.

hollow that's where I am at the moment. Although I've just found out, we had plenty of history before and after, where I'm now questioning things. And I still don't really know what's relevant, details aren't clear this long after, so I tend to assume the worst case, which isn't helpful. I'm glad you're off the AD OK. I don't want to start as I'm afraid I'll be on them forever/turn into a zombie, but thoughts are v difficult to cope with at times. I don't want to keep going over it or dwell on things, but equally if I don't ask I don't get information, and as soon as I stop going over it I think he'll have the impression everything is going back to normal so he'll no longer make any effort. I'm extremely worried about things settling back down to some kind of normality, and realizing our relationship is actually shit, and it's not just the effect this big secret was having on us.

chav you said leave or stay - only one allows her to be honest and free. Is this the same if the affair was over many years ago, before marriage and kids, with many good years invested in between?