Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it bad that I do not want to have sex with my husband?

33 replies

Lt2018 · 21/05/2018 22:13

We got into a fight, a huge fight. He said a lot of super mean things, such as I never want to see you again. I never want to see the boys again. I am going to get a new wife and forget you guys.

Later that night, he said sorry and wanted to talk. After, he wanted a kiss and I just didn't feel right. I have kissed him since then but the thought of being intimate is the furthest thing from my mind. I don't feel comfortable and i feel bad about it.

I did tell him that I need time to heal and that he said some really nasty things. So he does understand and is not pushing me. But every night he asks for sex.

Is it bad that I don't want for him to touch me? This fight was 2 weeks ago, before that we would have sex almost everyday.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 21/05/2018 22:18

No, it's not bad not to have sex with him if you don't want it. Punishing him by witholding sex would be pretty damaging but you're not saying no to be manipulative or out of malice, you are understandably hurting from some pretty terrible behaviour on his part. He is not being reasonable to expect you just to get over it because he's sorry.

Singlenotsingle · 21/05/2018 22:19

With a woman it's emotion first, then sex. With a man it's sex first! Sex second! Sex third! I don't think you should let him blackmail you. He has to work on making the relationship right, then you might be willing to give him what he wants.

blackteasplease · 21/05/2018 23:39

You shouldn't have sex if you don't want to. Ever.

MiniTheMinx · 22/05/2018 00:01

Singlenotsingle, would you use sex as a bargaining chip or a reward!

Whilst I don't disagree with the first part of the statement I don't agree that sex is something men should have to "work for" under conditions that might be purely subjective, changed at short notice or generally pretty demeaning.

But that said I think men tend to be more reasonable, amenable, open, loving, kind and generous when they are having sex with their partner. They are very quick to pick up if you are using sex as a bargaining chip or a punishment. But they tend to be duped if you can hide this fact, and more docile!

I think you have to understand people to manage them Grin and to find compromises that move you forward to where you want to be. So OP what do you need him to do? And do you want to fix this?

SandyY2K · 22/05/2018 00:06

I never want to see you again. I never want to see the boys again. I am going to get a new wife and forget you guys.

I'm not sure I could get passed this tbh. A man saying he'll go away and forget his sons!

Extremely immature and just awful. I'd have told him to fu*k off and find a new wife.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/05/2018 00:09

I never want to see the boys again.

If DH said this he would be single, never mind not having sex with me. Using your children to hurt your wife? Fuck that's cold.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/05/2018 00:09

x posted. Great minds and all that!

Thewhale2903 · 22/05/2018 00:13

I would be horrified if my partner said he didn't want to see his children again. I understand if we are fighting he might feel that way about me but why involve the children and think of getting a new wife? Could he not leave you without finding a new wife straight away? No wonder you feel this way.

VitriolicMuse · 22/05/2018 00:15

Sex would be the last thing worrying me if my husband spoke to me like that. I’d tell him to fuck right off.

TuTru · 22/05/2018 00:18

Nah it’s fine if you don’t want to, you don’t want to. Doesn’t even matter why really xx

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 22/05/2018 00:21

I would call your sudden loss of interest in sex with your husband a completely reasonable response to him stripping away the trust and commitment in your relationship.

Like previous posters I don’t think I would ever get over being told by my husband that he was going to toss me and our children away like an old phone that he wanted a newer version of.

Iflyaway · 22/05/2018 00:26

With a woman it's emotion first, then sex. With a man it's sex first! Sex second! Sex third!

I call bullshit.

Yea, do keep on talking that typical shit....

I personally have had sex just for just that.. And I am a woman.

HTH.

Thewhale2903 · 22/05/2018 12:22

MiniTheMinx
Are you saying OP should have sex with her partner no matter how she is feeling about him or how horrible he has been, should she just suck it up and do it because he wants to?
If your partner told You've was going to go off and find someone else and leave you and your children you would say what... " Oh that's a shame" and then jump into bed with him that night?
She is not with holding sex, she can't bring herself to be intimate with him!

MiniTheMinx · 22/05/2018 23:21

No I'm not. It's a general comment.

busybarbara · 23/05/2018 01:18

Don't forget you are in charge here and you are being totally reasonable. As a man he wants sex a lot more which means you can use it as a major bargaining chip to manipulate him whichever way needed, you hold the keys here. Let him come crawling back and make up for the pain he caused!

NotTheFordType · 23/05/2018 04:07

@busybarbara
As a man he wants sex a lot more which means you can use it as a major bargaining chip to manipulate him whichever way needed, you hold the keys here.
🤔
The 1950s called, they want their tired old opinions back.

OP you're not "bad" to not want sex with someone who has been verbally abusive to you. If someone made that comment about their own children to me I would find it hard to look past that.

Is there a pattern of him saying hugely hurtful things and then expecting you to just forget them?

nursy1 · 23/05/2018 04:11

I’m not surprised you don’t want to have sex with him. What he said must have made you feel really insecure.
You need date nights or a holiday. When you feel better about the relationship, it’ll come back

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 23/05/2018 04:16

You need date nights or a holiday

Would you really be up for a holiday with a man who spoke to you like that?

He sounds horrible OP, never in a million years would my husband or I talk to each other like that.

nursy1 · 23/05/2018 04:21

would you really be up for a holiday with a man who spoke to you like that?

Only the op can know. What you would or wouldn’t put up with is up to you. As far as I heard the op hasn’t said she wants to end the relationship.
Holidays are a good way for most people to pay a bit more attention to the relationship and perhaps fall in love again away from all the pressures of every day life.

sofato5miles · 23/05/2018 04:22

This is much bigger than you not feeling like having sex with him. He has said some truly shocking things to you and your marriage sounds like it is on shaky ground. If my husband spoke to me like that I would see it as a huge red flag that he is checking out and would need to know exactly why.

Him wanting to shag was just covering his tracks.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 23/05/2018 04:27

There’s putting up with foibles (socks on the floor, dishes by the sink) and there’s putting up with abuse. Sadly, far too many women stay with abusive men because no one tells them it is abuse.

Saying you will abandon your wife and kids is abusive. Pressuring her for sex (and asking every night when she keeps saying no is pressure) is also abusive.

Let’s not act like this is some line in the sand issue. No woman should put up with this kind of manipulation and emotional neglect.

You seem to think that your opinion (lovely holiday! date night!) is an acceptable piece of advice where mine isn’t. Just because you think a band aid on a clusterfuck of a relationship is a good idea doesn’t mean everyone else does.

People feel better after holidays because they feel relaxed and rested. It doesn’t sove anything though, especially if a man is so immature that he thinks threats are acceptable.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 23/05/2018 04:27

If he’s never said anything like that before it’s probably a huge shock for you and you may be feeling like he’s a different person to the one you built a life with. If my DP said he would walk out on his own children I could never love or trust him again. I would be heartbroken that I’d made these people, brought them into the world, and now someone they should be able to depend on as long as he lives is saying he’ll just walk out on them and pretend they never existed over an argument with his wife. It’s an extreme betrayal. Sex would be the furthest thing from my mind. I would just be trying to figure out if I could ever trust that person again, or if it would be better to make a clean break so the children can learn to be without him so much before he abandons them completely.

nursy1 · 23/05/2018 04:39

Well firststep. Perhaps she should just leave then?
I agree it was a horrible, hurtful row that will take some time to put behind them. Her DH isn’t raping her every night, he is asking for sex imo, because he wants the closeness back. Understandably, she is not ready. All I’m suggesting is some practical steps to try help.

thebewilderness · 23/05/2018 04:41

I never want to see you again. I never want to see the boys again. I am going to get a new wife and forget you guys.

Your intimate relationship is over.

Your abusive relationship has begun.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 23/05/2018 04:45

nursy

Who said he was raping her every night? Does someone need to be a rapist to be an abuser?

Perhaps she should leave. That’s up to her. Personally I don’t see how a relationship could ever be the same after that. I couldn’t trust my husband ever again. I have a temper but I’ve never even come close to saying or even thinking something like that.

He’s asking for sex to feel close? Pull the other one. He’s asking for sex because he’s horny and because, like you and holidays, he believes it will solve their problems. But it won’t.