I apologize ahead of time for the lengthiness of this post. I feel like my soul has been sucked out and I am literally physically and emotionally drained. The past few days have been exhausting. I discovered the word "gaslight" a few months ago and thought nothing much of it, but read about it more over the past week, and I think this is gaslighting. Tell me if I'm right.
I gifted my parents a mower because their current one was breaking down and it took them 2 days to mow their lawn. They are getting old but didn't yet have the money to get a new mower. The value of the mower I gifted them was under $1,500 and it didn't hurt me one ounce to spend it. It makes sense for adult children to help their parents as they age, correct? This is the first thing I've gifted them of this value; previously, anything I gifted them was no more than $100.
When I first brought up the idea in the phone conversation, dad went silent, but mom was enthusiastic. I thought that whatever had made dad go silent had been resolved over the next few days, as mom gave me the go-ahead.
So I got them the mower. Ok, great.
A few months later there was a big medical scare with dad. Mom called me saying that due to the medical thing, dad could no longer use the mower because it was too rough on him and it felt like the mower was "beating him up." A few weeks later, mom calls me on the phone asking if I would be upset if they sold it and got a different one. I said no.
Then a few days later, mom emails me and says that she and dad decided to give it back and that I could pick it up at my convenience.
Reality check #1: Giving it back is totally different than selling it to get something else, correct? Tell me what you think.
Now here is where the potential gaslighting starts. I feel like this conversation is circular, with no end, and no clarity and no honesty, that makes me feel like I'm going crazy and that is sucking the life out of me. Why? Here's how it went...paraphrased to make shorter...
Mom: We want to give it back.
Me: Lets be open and honest with each other. I'd like to know your (dad's) reasons for giving it back.
Mom: Oh you're being silly, don't you know we love you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, the only reason we are returning it is because it's too rough to use now, given the medical issue.
Me: I'll take it back. But this is a gift rejection, and I'd still like to know your (dad's) reasons. Giving it back is not the same as selling it to get something else, as was the original plan.
Reality Check #2: Is it reasonable for me to directly ask the reasons for their gift rejection?
Reality Check #3: Is it actually a real gift rejection, or is it just a gift-rejection that's not really a real gift rejection? Kinda like a fake gift rejection? You know, like a "gift rejection that they didn't mean it that way but its still really a gift rejection but lets just ignore that and pretend like its not really a real gift rejection?"
Mom: When we spoke with you and your husband on the phone about this, he did not seem ok with the idea of us selling it and getting another one (notice how she has now changed the reason?).
Reality Check #4: DH was, and is, ok with them selling it and buying another one. Is there any way that mom could have actually misunderstood him, even though his message was very clear? Or is this gaslighting?
Mom, further down in an email: We thought that giving it back (given that your husband wasn't ok with us selling it ([even though he told them he was]) would be less hurtful than selling it.
Reality Check # 5: Could this ever be true? Could it ever be true that a gift rejection would be less hurtful than selling it to buy something else?
At this point I decided that emailing with mom wasn't going anywhere and was sucking the life out of me, so I called to speak to dad.
So I called. Mom picks up the phone, nervous and anxious. She tries to block me from talking to dad, probing my reasons for the call. A few mins later she attempts to hand the phone to dad, who in the background says, "Not now."
Mom: Oh he's playing a computer game right now and no way to pause it and we are about to leave (a previously-planned trip). He can't talk right now. Do you want us to call you later?
Me: Sure.
Later, dad calls me back.
Dad, acting like nothing's going on and everything is aaaaaaaalright: "What's up?"
Me: Did you want me to take the mower back?"
Dad (repeats thing about how it beats him up to use it, then says): We thought the simplest thing would be for you to take it back, since we don't believe that we could get back what you have in it, if we were to sell it (a new reason again!!!!!!).
Reality Check #6: Is this a legit concern or is this now him gaslighting?
Me: So if I sell it, do you want me to keep the money?
Dad: Yeah, sure.
Me: I see...alright then.
And we conclude the conversation, and the next few hours for me are hell. I wanted so much to have, for the first time, an honest, open conversation with my parents and for them to tell me the truth even if it was going to be hurtful, but instead I get a run-around, which I interpreted as a very strong rejection. It hurt very bad. I feel like I don't really know my parents, and this feels like a wall.
Now, is this really just an honest misunderstanding, and am I in fact being just "too sensitive," as many gaslighters love to say to invalidate the other person, and am I just crazy for feeling the way I felt about it? Perhaps I just totally misinterpreted the entire thing... And by the way, how selfish of me to want anything (honesty, openness, the truth) from my parents at a time when my dad has been having health problems (he's on the rebound now, back to work and his hobbies)! I should be an unselfish person and put aside all of my own needs (for openness) and just concern myself with their needs and wants (the need to hide?). No, no one said or implied these things to me, but one cannot help but think about them, especially if one is accustomed to negative inner messages.
Reality Check #7: Or, could there be something messed up going on here? I need to crowd-check reality here. Tell me what you think. What does all this mean? What's going on here?