Is this gaslighting?

[LetsDiscussReality]

I apologize ahead of time for the lengthiness of this post. I feel like my soul has been sucked out and I am literally physically and emotionally drained. The past few days have been exhausting. I discovered the word "gaslight" a few months ago and thought nothing much of it, but read about it more over the past week, and I think this is gaslighting. Tell me if I'm right.

I gifted my parents a mower because their current one was breaking down and it took them 2 days to mow their lawn. They are getting old but didn't yet have the money to get a new mower. The value of the mower I gifted them was under $1,500 and it didn't hurt me one ounce to spend it. It makes sense for adult children to help their parents as they age, correct? This is the first thing I've gifted them of this value; previously, anything I gifted them was no more than $100.

When I first brought up the idea in the phone conversation, dad went silent, but mom was enthusiastic. I thought that whatever had made dad go silent had been resolved over the next few days, as mom gave me the go-ahead.

So I got them the mower. Ok, great.

A few months later there was a big medical scare with dad. Mom called me saying that due to the medical thing, dad could no longer use the mower because it was too rough on him and it felt like the mower was "beating him up." A few weeks later, mom calls me on the phone asking if I would be upset if they sold it and got a different one. I said no.

Then a few days later, mom emails me and says that she and dad decided to give it back and that I could pick it up at my convenience.

Reality check #1: Giving it back is totally different than selling it to get something else, correct? Tell me what you think.

Now here is where the potential gaslighting starts. I feel like this conversation is circular, with no end, and no clarity and no honesty, that makes me feel like I'm going crazy and that is sucking the life out of me. Why? Here's how it went...paraphrased to make shorter...

Mom: We want to give it back.

Me: Lets be open and honest with each other. I'd like to know your (dad's) reasons for giving it back.

Mom: Oh you're being silly, don't you know we love you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, the only reason we are returning it is because it's too rough to use now, given the medical issue.

Me: I'll take it back. But this is a gift rejection, and I'd still like to know your (dad's) reasons. Giving it back is not the same as selling it to get something else, as was the original plan.

Reality Check #2: Is it reasonable for me to directly ask the reasons for their gift rejection?

Reality Check #3: Is it actually a real gift rejection, or is it just a gift-rejection that's not really a real gift rejection? Kinda like a fake gift rejection? You know, like a "gift rejection that they didn't mean it that way but its still really a gift rejection but lets just ignore that and pretend like its not really a real gift rejection?"

Mom: When we spoke with you and your husband on the phone about this, he did not seem ok with the idea of us selling it and getting another one (notice how she has now changed the reason?).

Reality Check #4: DH was, and is, ok with them selling it and buying another one. Is there any way that mom could have actually misunderstood him, even though his message was very clear? Or is this gaslighting?

Mom, further down in an email: We thought that giving it back (given that your husband wasn't ok with us selling it ([even though he told them he was]) would be less hurtful than selling it.

Reality Check # 5: Could this ever be true? Could it ever be true that a gift rejection would be less hurtful than selling it to buy something else?

At this point I decided that emailing with mom wasn't going anywhere and was sucking the life out of me, so I called to speak to dad.

So I called. Mom picks up the phone, nervous and anxious. She tries to block me from talking to dad, probing my reasons for the call. A few mins later she attempts to hand the phone to dad, who in the background says, "Not now."

Mom: Oh he's playing a computer game right now and no way to pause it and we are about to leave (a previously-planned trip). He can't talk right now. Do you want us to call you later?

Me: Sure.

Later, dad calls me back.

Dad, acting like nothing's going on and everything is aaaaaaaalright: "What's up?"

Me: Did you want me to take the mower back?"

Dad (repeats thing about how it beats him up to use it, then says): We thought the simplest thing would be for you to take it back, since we don't believe that we could get back what you have in it, if we were to sell it (a new reason again!!!!!!).

Reality Check #6: Is this a legit concern or is this now him gaslighting?

Me: So if I sell it, do you want me to keep the money?

Dad: Yeah, sure.

Me: I see...alright then.

And we conclude the conversation, and the next few hours for me are hell. I wanted so much to have, for the first time, an honest, open conversation with my parents and for them to tell me the truth even if it was going to be hurtful, but instead I get a run-around, which I interpreted as a very strong rejection. It hurt very bad. I feel like I don't really know my parents, and this feels like a wall.

Now, is this really just an honest misunderstanding, and am I in fact being just "too sensitive," as many gaslighters love to say to invalidate the other person, and am I just crazy for feeling the way I felt about it? Perhaps I just totally misinterpreted the entire thing... And by the way, how selfish of me to want anything (honesty, openness, the truth) from my parents at a time when my dad has been having health problems (he's on the rebound now, back to work and his hobbies)! I should be an unselfish person and put aside all of my own needs (for openness) and just concern myself with their needs and wants (the need to hide?). No, no one said or implied these things to me, but one cannot help but think about them, especially if one is accustomed to negative inner messages.

Reality Check #7: Or, could there be something messed up going on here? I need to crowd-check reality here. Tell me what you think. What does all this mean? What's going on here?

Doesn't sound like gaslighting. Just maybe you and your parents being polite and trying not to upset each other.
I'd take back the mower, sell it and if your dad is well enough to still mow the lawn, ask him if he would like to choose one which would best suit his requirements. If he still turns your offer down, that's still okay and nothing to worry about. That's his choice and you've tried your best. Good luck.

dazedandconfused18: "Wow are you for real - your parents turned down a gift and 'your soul has been sucked out?'"

My family doesn't deal with social conflicts, they hide from them and pretend they do not exist. The only coping skills I ever learned and that were ever employed were: "Just give it time and it will pass." There's a lot of undealt-with baggage in my family that we all have been running from, hiding from and pretending does not exist, and I had been hoping to begin to work through with them, but if they can't be honest with me in this case, then I suppose it's time to revise my thinking.

Not gaslighting. Maybe inconsistent, and it sounds like they're trying to find a reason that you will finally accept. For whatever reason, they don't want the mower. Take it back, sell it, mow the lawn yourself, whatever. Stop over-thinking this.

You cant change how they deal with conflict, unless they want to change the Status Quo. You cant make the decision that you will all change how you communicate and just assume they will follow suit.

If you can to change how you deal with 'social conflict' you can change that so you deal with other people differently. To have your parents onboard, you need to discuss this with them and they have to want to change it too. It maybe that they are happy with how they deal with things.

You cant dictate how they handle situations. I have to be honest, if anything you come across as controlling. Its obvious what the issue is but you are demanding an explanation and trying to impose a change in their coping mechanisms.

No this isn't gaslighting.

No you don't have a right to know their "real" reasons, if you are right that the reasons given thus far aren't the whole picture.

You do sound like hard work. You seem to want to control your parents. It's not for you to decide how they tackle their lawn. If they need help, ask how you can help but leave them in control of the decisions.

I had been hoping to begin to work through with them, but if they can't be honest with me in this case, then I suppose it's time to revise my thinking.

I think this is heart of the matter tbh. You want to deal with the past and they don't.

I think in modern society we have this expectation that some day we will as families go to therapy and get closure on the things from our past that hurt us. The reality is this very rarely actually happens. Letting go of getting to the truth of a situation is hard but ultimately liberating. The only person who can work through those issues is you. Your parents may not want to rake over the past and are happy with how things are. They may have only just come to terms with trauma from their own upbringing and just want peace. You can't force people into therapy.

I think we sometimes forget our parents are individuals in their own right with their own stories and hurts that they too have carried.

If they don't want to do soul searching you don't have a right to force them to. I would caveat that with physical or sexual abuse being a subject you shouldn't avoid in an adult relationship.

Have you been to counselling yourself to try to heal?

Reality check #1: Giving it back is totally different than selling it to get something else, correct? Tell me what you think

Yes, but it's an unimportant difference. Both are perfectly fine ways of dealing with an unwanted item. But if you are really unable to deal with the disposal of the item, you can decline to do so.

Reality Check #2: Is it reasonable for me to directly ask the reasons for their gift rejection?

No, not really. You know alreadynwhat you need to know - they didn't ask for a mower, they didn't choose this model, they don't like it in use. That's plenty good enough a set of reasons.

*Reality Check #3: Is it actually a real gift rejection, or is it just a gift-rejection that's not really a real gift rejection? Kinda like a fake gift rejection? You know, like a "gift rejection that they didn't mean it that way but its still really a gift rejection but lets just ignore that and pretend like its not really a real gift rejection?"

It just means they neither like nor want this mower (possibly any mower). It really doesn't carry a deeper meaning.

Reality Check #4: DH was, and is, ok with them selling it and buying another one. Is there any way that mom could have actually misunderstood him, even though his message was very clear? Or is this gaslighting?

Miscommunication is very common. The thing that seems most likely to me is that your DH has misunderstood your mother, who never wanted to sell this one and buy another. Neither you nor he shouid browbeat your parents into selling and buying another mower (as they don't want a mower ). At least you understand her now. If you don't want to take it back to sell and get your money back, then tell them just to charity shop it, or donate it to a suitable project.

Reality Check # 5: Could this ever be true? Could it ever be true that a gift rejection would be less hurtful than selling it to buy something else?

Yes of course it can. This is an unsuitable item that needs dealing with, not a personal rejection.

Reality Check #6: Is this a legit concern or is this now him gaslighting?

It's the latest iteration of the same point. They do not want the gift and they want you to take it away.

Reality Check #7: Or, could there be something messed up going on here? I need to crowd-check reality here. Tell me what you think. What does all this mean? What's going on here?

This isn't messed up. Or at least it won't be once you realise that your parents are telling you something very simple, and have been consistent in doing so.

You at seriously hard work
You gave them a gift
It hasn’t worked out
They don’t want it to sit in a shed unused
So they want to either sell it or return it.

I suspect you have given mixed messages to them regarding selling it, and so they now just want to return it to you to avoid the unnecessary conflict you are creating round it.

Get them a garden service for the summer
And take back the mower,
And stop over analysing everything

I think you are getting honesty from them. They haven't tried to sell the mower behind your back, they've been upfront about it.
Their reasons seem valid; it's too bid and unwieldy for their needs. Possibly your dad feels too "proud" to accept help from you in this way. That's not a reflection of his love for you as a daughter.

To me, it seems a lot of money for a lawn mower Is it one of those ride on things?

I paid £25 for our decent lawn mower second hand.

but if they can't be honest with me in this case, then I suppose it's time to revise my thinking

Perhaps you need revise your thinking about how you want them to respond.
Your thinking seems black & white, needing the truth when often life/thoughts can be grey.You also focussed on the monetary value so were you expecting lots of gratitude? Be honest with yourself.

Lets: "My family doesn't deal with social conflicts, they hide from them and pretend they do not exist. The only coping skills I ever learned and that were ever employed were: "Just give it time and it will pass." There's a lot of undealt-with baggage in my family that we all have been running from, hiding from and pretending does not exist, and I had been hoping to begin to work through with them, but if they can't be honest with me in this case, then I suppose it's time to revise my thinking.

The mower-incident as you've told it doesn't count as 'social conflict' or anything to get your knickers in a twist about IMO. Perhaps there is a bigger back-story and this is just an incident which has brought it to the fore, otherwise it seems you are trying to create drama out of a minor event. I'm not meaning to be unkind, but nothing you have said so far suggests anything other than kind parents who perhaps are clumsy in their communication or don't want to say the wrong thing. If your Dad does have serious health issues, don't sweat the small stuff, enjoy the time and accept that perhaps they don't handle things as you might like.

It isn't gas lighting. It sounds like your DM thought it a good idea and persuaded your DF of this. DF is the one who has to actually mow the lawn ( by the sounds of it) and the mower you chose is too much for him to manage. If my parents were struggling I'd be either mowing their lawn weekly or pay someone to do it in advance so they don't have the worry. You sound very intense about a lawn mower. I'm all for open and honest exchanges but, when it comes to parents of a different era this openness can make them feel quite intimidated. My parents are conflict avoidant as are many of my friends parents. They'd rather beat around the bush about reasons than say it how it is. I believe this is their way of sparing people's feelings

I wouldn’t call it gas lighting.
I’d worry that your dad is poorly and doesn’t want anyone to know HOW poorly he is.
Now the lawn for them? Xx

I think they are being honest with you.

Your Dad don't choose the mower and doesn't like it, and he wants you to return it.

That's what comes across loud and clear - from your posts, that's your words about this situation, not theirs.

Which begs the question 'why aren't you listening to them?'

Gas lighting is manipulating someone by psychological means into doubting their own sanity

It's ok to feel a bit pissed off that (what you regarded as) a thoughtful gift has been returned to you unwanted. However, they have offered explanation and apologised.

Please don't start throwing around phrases such as Gas Lighting.
Gas lighting is a serious form of mental and emotional abuse used to gain power and control over a victim. I don't see any malicious intent here.

You must have a pretty fabulous life if this is what you choose to spend your time and energy meticulously fretting over...

It sounds like your dad didn't like the mower/didn't want to accept an expensive gift and wants you to keep your money without offending you/being subjected to the Spanish Inquisition on why they don't want an expensive lawnmower from their daughter...

It doesn't sound like they're gas lighting you at all.
It sounds like they were tired of your interrogation and know whatever they say will not be accepted unless they say exactly what you want to hear- now that is exhausting and sucks the out the soul!

Jesus Christ on a bike this made my head explode reading it , you bought them a super expensive lawn mower they can’t make use off and are now acting hard work and saying the are gift rejecting , maybe they don’t want or need it and don’t want you to lose out on money if they sell it so are giving it back . They sound terrified of crossing you and are walking on egg shells .

Maybe your dad was OK with it taking 2 days to mow the lawn and embarrassed by you stepping in and telling him it wasn't.

Maybe they are desperately looking for a way to return an expensive gift without upsetting you.

Ask them "Is there any other way I could help with the lawn?" and if they say no, accept it.

You keep asking them for a reason, but they've given you the reason. Your Dad can't use it any more.

Wtf? You bought them an expensive gift which either a) they didn't really want in the first place but didn't want to offend you by turning down your offer or b) they did want, but it is now unusable due to medical reasons or because it's difficult to use.

Of course you're disappointed, but you are being very weird in the way you are handling it as though it's some kind of terrible traumatic offence that must be raked over and over until sime kind of closure us reached. Repeatedly demanding further reasons when they've already given you a reason is ridiculous and pointless. I don't see why there's such a huge difference between them returning/exchanging it and you returning it.

No this isn’t gaslighting or ‘gift rejection’ - they’ve accepted it graciously and now have realised it doesn’t work for them and want to do the right thing by allowing you to sell it or use it rather than then sell it. Maybe they want to get a gardener to save your dad the work, or maybe they want something smaller/easier/different but feel bad about how much you spent on this one and want to give it back so they aren’t seen as taking the piss.

Either way, you sound a bit like hard work. Take the mower, sell it, keep your gift giving to things that won’t cause you so much angst next time!

Oh and no it's not gaslighting. And what's with the phrase 'this is gift rejection' as though it's the name of a crime?!

I don't really see the difference between them selling it and you taking it back and then selling it? Seeing as the money isn't part of the issue.

This is not gaslighting.

This is you being hard work.

Cripes.

They can't use the mower. They want to give it back without hurting your feelings.

Get a fucking grip.