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Original poster

DP staying out all night. I don't know what to do.

37 replies

SwanRonson · 21/05/2018 13:57

A bit of background - together with dp for 9 years, 2 dc 6&4months. We split up for a year when oldest dc was 18 months due to his drinking and generally being a bit of a shit. Got back together after he changed. Actually more importantly I changed, I realised I could do it on my own and I became stronger in myself. I’m with him because I want to be, not because I feel I need to be. Things we’re great, over the years we’ve been back together we bought a house, got engaged and had another dc.

Anyway, he was made redundant last year and got a new job. The people he works with are a few years younger than us and none of them have children. We’re —very— late 20s.
Since dd was born 4 months ago he’s stayed out all night four times, coming home at 7/8 in the morning after spending the night at his work friends flat. When he gets in I just tell him to go to bed because ds will be due up and I don’t want him to see his dad in that state. He’s admitted he’s taken cocaine and ecstasy which obviously I’m not happy about. He doesn’t bring it into the house, his work pals give it to him and I’ve checked pockets etc. I don’t feel in my gut that he’s cheated but I’ve asked him anyway and he denies it. When he’s sobered up and I’ve spoken to him about all this, the first two times he was sorry etc, the last two he’s said he doesn’t think it’s that much of an issue. I obviously disagree and it is a bloody issue. Going out and having a few drinks doesn’t bother me, I do it myself. Just come home, no drugs and don’t end up in the same state. He’s not 19 and carefree anymore, he chose to have a family.

So what do I do? I love him, when it’s good it’s great, he makes me laugh, he’s very loving and generally, although he’s not very hands on at times, he’s a good dad. But this needs to change. I can’t go on with this because it’ll get worse, just like it did before. I know him too well to kid myself on that he won’t do it again. When we got back together I honestly thought things had changed, they had I suppose but it’s slowly slipping back into the same situation. Do I just break it all up and move on with my life without him? Do I make him move out for a while to call his bluff and sort his shit out? I just don’t know the answer. Or am I making mountains out of molehills?

OP posts:
Original poster
SwanRonson · 21/05/2018 13:58

Sorry that's a bloody novel, if you get through that without falling asleep then I applaud you

OP posts:
Adora10 · 21/05/2018 14:00

He is an arse and a disgrace to behave like that, and sorry but if i was with a man that was staying out all night I'd suspect cheating, esp if he's taking love drugs like ecstasy and coke, and btw, coke costs a bomb and is a joke of a drug; I hate them both and if i had two kiddies with a man I'd no way put up with any of this crap; he's making a mug of you and disrespecting you and your kids; get rid, you do it alone anyway, can't even imagine why you'd want to be with someone that behaves in this way.

Beaverhausen · 21/05/2018 14:01

He is being selfish very selfish. His behaviour is unacceptable, I would give him an ultimatum, either he grows up and stops this behaviour or the two of you are finished for good this time as you need a real man in your life not a selfish little boy.

Adora10 · 21/05/2018 14:01

And he's a shit dad, sorry but if you call that a good dad you are seriously kidding yourself.

HollowTalk · 21/05/2018 14:05

He hasn't changed, has he? You thought he had - he probably thought he had - but he hasn't.

This is who he is.

And he's a really crap dad, too, spending family money on drugs, making his wife worried, staying out all night and - as you say - not being hands on.

I'd get rid. He's not going to change just because you want him to.

MayFayner · 21/05/2018 14:07

You have a newborn and a 6yo and he stayed out taking drugs 4 times since the baby was born Shock

No, you're not making mountains out of molehills, at all. I would have been incandescent the first time it happened, and his bags would have been packed and on the doorstep by 4am the second time.

TheClitterati · 21/05/2018 14:09

He's living the life of a single childless man, while you keep family for him.

I'd set him free to be one.

JessieMcJessie · 21/05/2018 14:13

Christ. Your baby is 4 months old. When my DS was a newborn my husband checked with me before agreeing to go for a quick drink after work and be home by 8. Your DP is selfish and irresponsible and extremely immature if he has refused to admit it is a problem when challenged.

But only you know if you are better off without him or living with his half-arsed attitude to family life.

Sounds like he’s trying too hard to get in with the cool kids at work. I’d also be worried about him mixing drug taking and work relationships.

mrsjackrussell · 21/05/2018 14:26

I would be worried about the drugs as coke is so addictive and expensive. Once you get a taste for it. My oh was an addict when my dc were small.
I wouldn't worry about him cheating without evidence just because he's taking drugs. I would give him an ultimatum to stop the drugs and staying out so late or he can leave.
If he's done it 4 times since baby was born it could escalate. I got to the point where my oh had spent everything.

Original poster
SwanRonson · 21/05/2018 14:36

Thank you for all your replies. He's going out on Wednesday for a work thing so I'll give him an ultimatum and see what happens. The next time he does it he's out. It isn't fair on me and the dc. It's his choice to either step up or fuck off and I really hope he steps up. But this is it.

Mrsjackrussell I'm worries about that too. If having an addictive personality is a thing he definitely has one.

OP posts:
Coco222 · 21/05/2018 15:00

I think nothing will change .

Adora10 · 21/05/2018 15:21

So after all that he's now going out in two days time, to do it all over again, OP, he's definitely not taking you seriously.

Original poster
SwanRonson · 21/05/2018 15:43

I don't think it will change but I need to be able to look back and say at least I tried 100% and gave him an ultimatum/final chance. And it will be his last chance. Maybe that's stupid but it'll help put my mind at ease that this is fully the right thing to do. The thing on Wednesday is for work but I know he'll go 'for a beer' after (it's always 'just a beer'). We'll see what happens. I'm not expecting him to change to be honest.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 21/05/2018 15:48

Ultimatums don't work.
Either he wants to change or he doesn't. He clearly doesn't.
He was a heavily drinking shit. But you took him back why?!

AnyFucker · 21/05/2018 15:51

Leopards and their spots, eh ?

ellsbells2 · 21/05/2018 15:56

Would be a deal breaker for me. He's not sorry and doesn't think it's a problem so it's not going to change.

Frosty66612 · 21/05/2018 15:56

I also agree that ultimatums never work. If he truly thought what he was doing was bad on any level then he wouldn’t do it in the first place. He clearly thinks it’s not a big deal and doesn’t want to compromise. If you absolutely must give him one last chance then make sure you stick to your guns and boot him out on Thur when he comes home off his tits on drugs again. If you keep giving more and more chances he’ll never stop as he’ll know he can get away with it again once the dust has settled a bit

Original poster
SwanRonson · 21/05/2018 16:07

I didn't take us getting back together lightly at all. I thought about it for a very long time before I did and I genuinely believed he had changed. Everything was much better for a long time but now the cracks are starting to show again. If he does it again he will be out and there will be no going back, I mean that.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 21/05/2018 16:08

But he is doing it again? Confused

SandyY2K · 21/05/2018 16:16

I'll give him an ultimatum and see what happens.

When you give an ultimatum...You need to follow through with it if he doesnt do as you wish...or your words will mean nothing.

GunpowderAndLead · 21/05/2018 16:16

He shouldn't want to go on wed. He should be mortified about the other nights and scared to lose you all.

He doesn't believe he will lose you

Original poster
SwanRonson · 21/05/2018 16:24

He doesn't believe he will lose me, you're right. I will be following through with the ultimatum. This is it now.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 21/05/2018 16:24

The fact he is going out on Wed, and in your own words, will go for beers after says it all, he is not taking you seriously, I say it again, he won't until you actually do something as he will just carry on as he has been; utter selfish sod putting his druggie pals before you and his kids; what a loser.

Jozxyqk · 21/05/2018 16:31

I'd give him the ultimatum, personally. But tell him, what will happen if he stays out all night and/or comes home having taken drugs again. That is, he will demonstrate that he is choosing to end the relationship. He cannot blame you, if you lay it on the line & say, this is your dealbreaker & then he does it anyway. He will be choosing to end it. And I believe he will do it again, but for your peace of mind, and so that he cannot legitimately complain that you "didn't give him a chance", I'd tell him straight. Today.
In the meantime, you should look at worst case scenario - get ready for the likelihood that you'll be splitting up. Also, it wouldn't hurt to get an STD test. I wouldn't trust anyone who'd been high on coke, to remain faithful.

Adora10 · 21/05/2018 16:39

I wouldn't trust anyone who'd been high on coke, to remain faithful.

My experience also.

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