DP staying out all night. I don't know what to do.

[SwanRonson]

A bit of background - together with dp for 9 years, 2 dc 6&4months. We split up for a year when oldest dc was 18 months due to his drinking and generally being a bit of a shit. Got back together after he changed. Actually more importantly I changed, I realised I could do it on my own and I became stronger in myself. I’m with him because I want to be, not because I feel I need to be. Things we’re great, over the years we’ve been back together we bought a house, got engaged and had another dc.

Anyway, he was made redundant last year and got a new job. The people he works with are a few years younger than us and none of them have children. We’re —very— late 20s.
Since dd was born 4 months ago he’s stayed out all night four times, coming home at 7/8 in the morning after spending the night at his work friends flat. When he gets in I just tell him to go to bed because ds will be due up and I don’t want him to see his dad in that state. He’s admitted he’s taken cocaine and ecstasy which obviously I’m not happy about. He doesn’t bring it into the house, his work pals give it to him and I’ve checked pockets etc. I don’t feel in my gut that he’s cheated but I’ve asked him anyway and he denies it. When he’s sobered up and I’ve spoken to him about all this, the first two times he was sorry etc, the last two he’s said he doesn’t think it’s that much of an issue. I obviously disagree and it is a bloody issue. Going out and having a few drinks doesn’t bother me, I do it myself. Just come home, no drugs and don’t end up in the same state. He’s not 19 and carefree anymore, he chose to have a family.

So what do I do? I love him, when it’s good it’s great, he makes me laugh, he’s very loving and generally, although he’s not very hands on at times, he’s a good dad. But this needs to change. I can’t go on with this because it’ll get worse, just like it did before. I know him too well to kid myself on that he won’t do it again. When we got back together I honestly thought things had changed, they had I suppose but it’s slowly slipping back into the same situation. Do I just break it all up and move on with my life without him? Do I make him move out for a while to call his bluff and sort his shit out? I just don’t know the answer. Or am I making mountains out of molehills?

if he comes home too late, double lock the door at 7am, personally I'd go over to a friends that evening with the kids and stay the night. If he comes home he comes home, if he doesn't then you won't have a confrontation.

Time to get your ducks in a row. By all means give him the ultimatum if it puts your mind at ease but I think his actions prove that it is matter of when rather than if you split up.

If he goes out Wednesday and doesn't come back, lock him out of the house and put his shit outside ready for him. You can fit in at a new workplace without shitting all over your family. I bet his new workmates will think he's really cool once he gets kicked out . Selfish bellend.

Wanker. Men like this make my blood boil. (Personal experience.)

I'm sad for you that he's gone back to his old ways.

I hope you have the strength to follow through, if he doesn't want to change. You and your children are worth so much more.

Thank you all so much for all your wise words, support and advice it really has helped me to see things better.

Your welcome. Iv been there but my OH when I was kicking him out completely changed and came off it.

Does he have to go out Wednesday?? If you suggest he gives it a miss what would he say? I think waiting to see is unfair and the talk needs to be had now.

Ducks in a row ASAP. Good luck

Coke is the worst. Well, almost the worst. Ive never done it so I don't know how much it costs, but my DS has and all his money went on it and he was reduced to stealing from the house. Don't let it go that far, SwanRonson

Id be concerned that you give him an ultimatum for wed and he listens/comes home etc.

Things are good again for a bit, then it will start to slide again. You'd be stuck having to give him an ultimatum every time he sees friends. Pretty stressful way to live.

Sorry you are going through this op xx

I'm worried about that too lilsquish.

He does have to go out on Wednesday, well he did but he said today it might be cancelled. We had a chat last night and I told him that it all stops now or that's it, he'll be out and there is no coming back. I asked him how he would feel if it was me acting like an absolute dick. He said he would be raging, he understood how I felt and he was sorry. He wouldn't stay out all night again and wouldn't be taking drugs. He looked pretty ashamed of himself but I'm not sure if it was just for effect. We'll see what happens. I feel really determined about it all though, I'm just not putting up with it anymore.

Hope your ds is through it now singlenotsingle

Yeah, I have to say I wouldn't put up with that either, in fact I could say for sure it would happen once and it would never again, he'd hear me and he'd know. Staying out all night, doing drugs, and he's married with two small kids.thats not someone I would be with. I doubt many women would.

I guess you can only wait and see but I suspect that's who he is. Cares more about partying than his family . I'm sorry. This is the second time you've had to call time on it.

You're better off out of it as you're young enough to meet someone else and start again and you owe your kids more than bringing them up in a home where dads a drug user who randomly stays out all night. There will come a time when they know. There will come a time when uou look back and wonder why you didn't leave now. And there will come a time when you look at the ageing, drinking, druggy loser he's become and wonder how the fuck it happened.