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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Obligation to IL's

37 replies

obligation · 21/05/2018 11:44

Nc'ed in case IL's are on here. Wouldn't want WW3.

What obligation do DIL's have towards PIL's? We live in the UK, and I'm struggling with my relationship with MIL. I don't enjoy spending time with her, and she doesn't make much effort with me, although she does occasionally try. I make more effort with her.

My SIL however feels that I'm not doing enough. Have her over every weekend. Take an interest in her life etc. Am I obligated to do this?

I can't see the wood for the trees and I just feel guilty. I have let DH deal with his mum, but that means absolutely nothing happens at all, which precipitated the pep talk from SIL.

Urgh - how do we strike the right balance?

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 21/05/2018 11:45

Zero.
Zilch.
Fuck all.
No obligation whatsoever.

On your way.... Grin

ohfourfoxache · 21/05/2018 11:47

You have no obligation whatsoever.

They are your dh’s parents, not yours.

Guiltypleasures001 · 21/05/2018 11:47

Tell your sil

That your currently trying to grow FUCKS in your garden, and when they are big enough, you'll pick one for her.

Justmuddlingalong · 21/05/2018 11:47

If your DH doesn't bother his arse, why should you. Tell SIL to take it up with him.

OverTheHedgeHammy · 21/05/2018 11:53

Every weekend? She's having a fucking laugh.

You have a life, and clearly your SIL wants a life because she's trying to off load her mother onto you. But your MIL should have her OWN life and not need you and your SIL around her 7 days a week in order to function.

GummyGoddess · 21/05/2018 11:59

Your obligation is to be polite and civil when your DH has arranged a visit. That's it.

Feb2018mumma · 21/05/2018 12:02

I will follow this post for information too! I am constantly googling what is normal, I see my in laws once a week and they always say they don't see us enough. I see them once a week and my mum once a week but they are angry I see my mum for more hours... I see my mum alone when my partner is at work whereas when we see them it is with my husband. My MIL texts and calls me most days multiple times and if I don't reply she texts my husband asking me to reply... Texts saying what she ate or what time she went to bed that are hard to reply to! She also comes around when my husband is at work and when I said I didn't like it and to text first so I can say if i want her over she said all her friends go to their DILs unnanounced and their DILs like it? I am totally worn out by it, I don't like spending time with MIL without husband as I have a new baby and my own life... Work, friends and my parents to fit in. I get upset as she thinks she should come to all family time I arrange with my husband and the baby e.g. clothes shopping for our child or recently she cried we went to the zoo... I honestly hate the part of my life that includes PIL, it's hard to give people your time to constantly be told it's not enough!

Original poster
obligation · 21/05/2018 13:33

Wow Feb2018mumma that sounds very hard.

That's a relief that y'all think I don't have to worry. Basically MIL tells SIL that she's lonely and no-one bothers with her. But actually she never makes any effort.

In the past I used to phone her or occasionally nag DH to phone and invite her over, and he'd leave me to entertain her and go off and do his own thing. Well fuck that for a laugh. So I stopped making the effort and weeks would go by with no contact. It was bliss. DH didn't really notice. But then the flying monkey SIL got involved and I just feel this constant pressure / judgement from her. Drives me up the wall.

So glad there aren't any official obligations as per MN. Don't mind seeing her every so often, but if she doesn't make an effort why should I keep on?

The last time we were invited round to her house it turned out she'd asked other family for lunch and was running late. So we stood there like lemons waiting for them to finish eating so we could have a cup of tea. It was mortifying. Yet whenever we have DH's family over we always include her.

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 21/05/2018 13:37

DH used to do that, invite his parents over and then lay on the sofa on his telephone without talking to them or wander off. We had words and he doesn't do that anymore since I asked if he would be comfortable with me doing that and leaving him with my family while I pottered about ignoring everyone.

Joysmum · 21/05/2018 14:30

You just need to support your DH in HIS relationship with his parents...unless he doesn’t want to have much of a relationship with them, in which case you follow his lead.

hellsbellsmelons · 21/05/2018 16:35

You just need to outline to SIL that MIL is not your mother and any issues she has with anything she takes up with your DH.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/05/2018 16:39

SIL is still being a flying monkey here; she is not interested in hearing your side of things and therefore her opinion should be roundly ignored.

If MIL is not making any effort here you should not feel obligated to do so either.

VivaKondo · 21/05/2018 16:50

Why is your SIL contacting YOU and not her dbro (aka your DH) to see if HE coud organise something to see THEIR mum more often?
I’m always amazed how that sort of things is always down to women to sort out....

If your SIL starts talking again about your MIL and how she is lonely, please tell her to have a chat with her brother.
And maybe that they both need to see how they can ensure MIL isn’t feeling lonely (no reason why you shouod have her every weekend but not your SIL for example)

Original poster
obligation · 21/05/2018 17:37

Good points. She did contact DH initially and said he needed to step up more but he didn't really do anything, so she sat us both down for a telling off. At the time I explained that I was overwhelmed on weekends with kids' homework, activities and general housework stuff but she essentially put me on the spot.

Since then I've had a chance to reflect and I wondered whether maybe I WAS being unreasonable. MIL's retired, has loads of friends and is very capable. She has lots of interests and a huge family. She's usually busy if we ask for help with the kids altho I only ask her as an absolutely last resort, maybe a couple of times a year.

Where is this coming from? Is she telling SIL to talk to us, is she moaning to SIL about us, or is SIL feeling like she's being put upon and we're not doing our share? I don't know, but I feel more confident about just supporting DH and not proactively including her, thanks to you guys.

What argument can I tell SIL next time? To piss orf? SIL gets very defensive and our relationship is strained at the best of times...

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/05/2018 18:25

Next time your SIL says anything...tell her to talk to her brother.

The truth is it's women who do most of the entertaining and understanding where parents are concerned.

If it was left to my brothers they wouldn't notice.

This is why grandchildren tend to be closer to their maternal side.

brassbrass · 21/05/2018 18:32

Are you British? I only ask because I'm wondering if there's some other cultural expectation from you as a DIL to make all the effort.

SandyY2K · 21/05/2018 18:33

she sat us both down for a telling off.

Really?
Can I ask if you're from another culture? I can imagine this where I originate from...but having been born and brought up in the UK, I wouldn't be sitting down for my SIL to tell me off.

If I found her pushing it...I'd really cut her off...without drama.

It really is that daughters tend to provide emotional support way more than men...and because your DH isn't it all falls on SIL.

My Dsis kind of has this with her DH. Not once in their 26 years of marriage have thet had his DM over for Christmas lunch. She's on her own.. but her SILS have done.

Her DH doesn't want his DM over. He can't be arsed and when she has visited...he leaves Dsis to entertain her.

Original poster
obligation · 21/05/2018 18:41

We're British.

My DH sounds like your BIL SandyY2K. So your Dsis doesn't feel any obligation to ask her MIL over for Christmas??

See I'd feel AWFUL. The guilt would be too much. We have MIL and DH's family for Christmas although I long for it just to be us. They do fuck all to help when they come over. I find tea mugs left all over the house. They'll happily get up at the end of the meal and leave me and DH to clear up the mess. I'd expect this from guests, but I'd have thought family would muck in more. It's my fault that I put up with it so only have myself to blame. I get into that resentful spiral where I work myself up to see if they'll pull the usual crap, which of course they do and I get even more righteously indignant Hmm

I think I need to be more honest even if that does mean an unpleasant atmosphere for a while.

OP posts:
TemptressofWaikiki · 21/05/2018 18:48

Tell your SIL it's her job to deal with HER mum. She's a cheeky bitch!

TemptressofWaikiki · 21/05/2018 18:49

And stop hosting them for Christmas. It really is that simple! SIL and rest can go to MIL

brassbrass · 21/05/2018 19:00

Sounds like you're doing plenty and if her relationship with her son is the way it is then she needs to take responsibility rather than sending the flying monkey SIL to control you. Had the opposite with my SIL of 5 mins (brother's second wife) trying to lecture me about my own mum. I very quickly reminded her it was inappropriate as she'd arrived 5mins ago and wasn't qualified to involve herself between siblngs and parents with lifelong history. Haven't heard from her again Grin

SandyY2K · 21/05/2018 19:00

My DH sounds like your BIL SandyY2K. So your Dsis doesn't feel any obligation to ask her MIL over for Christmas??

He feels no obligation at all. In fact as it's getting close to Christmas he tells Dsis not to get caught on the phone with his DM as she'll try and wangle an invite and Dsis won't be able to say no.

Just the other day I was out having a coffee with Dsis. BIL phoned her asking when she'd be home because his DM had said she was coming over. He struggles being alone with her (doesn't know what to say to her), I've witnessed it myself and I've felt obliged to engage in conversation with her.

BIL who never helps cook ..asked Dsis if she needed help while his DM was visiting a couple of months ago.

My Dsis SIL has hinted that it always falls on her to Dsis. To which Dsis told her she had no problem...it was BIL.

cafenoirbiscuit · 21/05/2018 19:04

Happily, my PILs live far away and we can't see them a lot anyway. I did hear from them that their son's lack of involvement was my fault but I wised up to that. They criticised my choice of greetings cards and barely acknowledged the nice gifts we bought them, which was the final straw, and I, told DH that they were his responsibility now. They still complain but I just side-step it now, and suggest they speak to their son re getting together. Works like a dream. And actually, he doesn't care if they nag him, or my SIL disapproves. It's all just white noise to him.

If you just defer them to your DH, they will stop hassling you, I'm sure.

brassbrass · 21/05/2018 19:10

I've noticed recently that men who have healthy involvement with their DP as adults tend to be brothers without any sisters. I wonder if it's a generational thing (my sample group are all from similar age group) where they treated their sons and daughters differently growing up? Those without daughters ended up with a different outlook? I don't know just thinking out loud.

eggncress · 21/05/2018 19:21

You don’t have any obligations but it’s nice to be nice if you both like eachother and enjoy eachothers company. When it come down to ‘obligations’ it’s obviously more of a chore and it sounds like your SIL is trying to get YOU to take responsibility for HER mum !!Shock . Sounds like a CF so I’d tell her that you’ll see MIL when it suits you and meantime she and you dh can deal with her. I think you need to be strong and assertive here ... nip it in the bud so to speak

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