Obligation to IL's

[obligation]

Nc'ed in case IL's are on here. Wouldn't want WW3.

What obligation do DIL's have towards PIL's? We live in the UK, and I'm struggling with my relationship with MIL. I don't enjoy spending time with her, and she doesn't make much effort with me, although she does occasionally try. I make more effort with her.

My SIL however feels that I'm not doing enough. Have her over every weekend. Take an interest in her life etc. Am I obligated to do this?

I can't see the wood for the trees and I just feel guilty. I have let DH deal with his mum, but that means absolutely nothing happens at all, which precipitated the pep talk from SIL.

Urgh - how do we strike the right balance?

'it’s nice to be nice' exactly. I just want everything to be nice. And not actually spend any time with DH's family

At the time I explained that I was overwhelmed on weekends with kids' homework, activities and general housework stuff but she essentially put me on the spot

DONT complain. Don’t explain. It 100% is NOT your problem so don’t pick up the guilt on it either. Can you imagine for one second if your sibling sat your husband down to tell HIM of for not making an effort with YOUR parent. No? Fucking laughable isn’t it? So by that measure it is categorically not your problem. Just look at her and shrug if she tries it again. Cheeky fuck.

SIL is just trying her obligation onto you.
Have nothing to do with her whining, ILs are DH's business not yours.

@brassbrass point about generational thing is interesting.

I wonder if it’s because the older generation expects the daughters to look after them in old age. With little pressure on the boys.

Then it comes around and the girls want more of an even sense of responsibility but the brothers don’t see it or step up. So they turn to the wives.

Pure speculation based on little but the fact on both sides of my family, the grandparents expected the only girls to look after them.

Or involved the sons in organising family life as much as they may have involved daughters? Certainly with MIL everything was arranged with SIL and then presented to us as a fait accompli which demotivated DH from making an effort as he and his family hadn't been given equal consideration.

What argument can I tell SIL next time? To piss orf? SIL gets very defensive and our relationship is strained at the best of times...

Do as my Dsis does. She tells her SIL that in the interests of her marriage, she has to go along with what her DH wants where MIL is concerned.

Tell sil she needs to ask your dh when he is spending any time with his dm.
Not your job happily.
Don't be guilted.
Sil wants to pass her off to you leaving her free.

Start questioning SIL about how much she sees her own MIL... do it when her other half is in the room so she can't lie.

Gonna take a slightly different approach here and say that although you are under no obligation to entertain your IL’s whatsoever, It’s important to make somewhat of an effort in most cases. Marriage is not only about joining two people but also about two families and both partners should generally treat their IL’s as they would their own parents/loved ones etc. Although 100% appreciate it’s definitely not on in cases of manipulation, abuse, gaslighting, NC etc etc but as a general rule it’s a nice thing to do. Nice to be nice!

Every week is a joke though and your SIL sounds like a CF trying to fob her DM to you constantly!

I really like my MIL and get on with her but we’re both quite reserved so don’t really go out of our way to speak or meet up alone without DH. I do however make an effort to be nice to her and treat her well as I know it’s nice to do and also will make my DH happy, just as I’d expect him to make the effort with my DM.

I second all the 'fuck all's you've had! My MIL can visit whenever she wants. If she want the kids to stay I will take them and collect them. I will make her comfortable in my house etc. BUT she either invites herself or DH does, I have never ring her up.in 17 years, though occasionally remind DH to. When we first married and DH forgot a family birthday I got my aunt IL having a go at me as it was my job. Made it clear that nope, DH does his family, I do mine. That goes for cards and presents. Tell SIL that it's HER and her brothers job not yours.

I've reread everyone's posts a few times. I can't quite believe that you guys think I'm ok to just go along with my DH and that I don't have more of a responsibility. It's such a relief.

Thank you!!

There aren't any written rules, but your SIL has no business telling you off.

I would never go to my SILS about this...I'd deal directly with my brothers.

My SILS have their own parents to deal with.

She needs to deal directly and only with her brother about it.