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Original poster

SIL wedding one....

59 replies

lorca · 21/05/2018 10:55

My SIL was married, her H had an OW and subsequently left her. SHe was devastated, and moved in with her mum, then they bought a place together.
She has always been into DIY and as Dp is doing up his place, she's been coming down a weekends to help. Last summer she started bringing a 'handyman' with her - and as it's 1.5 hours away, they stayed over. The first few times Dp stayed in the same house (We don't live together, he has a 1 bed house and the men slept on his floor). After that, he slept at mine instead.

Round about christmas, I found out that she and this bloke were lovers. He has a partner of 25 years, and 2 teenage kids. His DW chucked him out (good for her!) and of course the gossip is all round the village. MIL is lovely, and was horrified. She was adamant that this bloke would not have easy access to her family, and would not allow him into her house. SIL then turned utter-bitch to her mum, calling her names, and saying some really spiteful, bitchy things. She also started to get a bit off with me, even before I knew about it all. Anyway, DP wanted to 'support his mum' and we agreed that this bloke would NOT be welcome into dps house again.

I went away in Feb for a 6 week trip, coming back once for a weekend. SIL was suggesting in every-increasing urgency that DP allow her and lover to come down (nowhere else to shag!. WE (DP and I) arranged all his weekends while I was away - 'that one is mother's day and you will be at home, that one is a work-do..' that sort of thing, to avoid her and him coming down.

When I came home, I found out that DP had let her and him come for a weekend, and deliberately not told me. I know he wanted the work done (anyone could have helped him, it wasn't skilled work) , but she'd told him not to tell me, as 'i wasn't there, didn't need to know'. He went along with it, thinking i'd never know. I am furious with him for the deliberate deceit, and with her for her complete rough-shod riding over everyone who gets in her way (her mother, her brother, his relationship with me, her lover's wife etc etc)

I left dp, and it took a week or so of texts and chat to get us back together, although I am still wary and angry at the deliberate deceit from him. I told dp that I would never be in the same room as SIL again. He agreed, whilst saying things like 'I love her, she is family' - he is a weak man and has a blind-spot for 'family' who can do no wrong.

SIL is now getting married to this bloke. DP is invited, I am too (grudgingly I imagine). I don't want to go, but DP is saying I should to 'support him'. I jsut think Fuck That Shit.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 21/05/2018 10:58

I understand where your coming from, I really do.
But it’s your DP choice.
He’s not asking you to let them stay in your house.
You sound a little controlling by organising his weekend s for him.
I agree. I wouldn’t go to the wedding.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2018 11:04

So SIL and handy man had an affair, wife found out nd kicked him out and now he and SIL are getting married?

I wouldn't be impressed with then, I think if you want to be with someone you leave the first person but it's done, it's in the open and it's now a legit relationship.

So firstly I think the "he's not allowed in my house for cheating on his wife" is OTT as is MIL for saying he can't have access to the family. He's an adulterer not a paedophile or murderer. They're grown ups.

Would you honestly ban anyone from your house that has had an affair??

I do see why you're annoyed with DH four lying, he should have told you. SIL might have been trying to keep the peace but he should have been honest, and I do think he has a right to build a relationship with his sister and future BIL. Not sure I'd walk away from my marriage for it.

It all seems very dramatic.

They had an affair so he's never allowed near the family.
You lied to me about your sister and Bil visiting so now our marriage is over

Lycrasock · 21/05/2018 11:06

You sound nasty tbh. Why don’t you let your DP deal with his family in whatever way he chooses?

You don’t need to become best friends with SIL but she is family of your DP so you should smile and pretend to be nice whenever you’re around them.

OverTheHedgeHammy · 21/05/2018 11:06

They didn't cheat on you, they didn't hurt you. Very kindly, you are taking this far too personally.

Why would you make your DH choose between you and his DSis when it's not about YOU? I completely understand if she was being a bitch to you, then yes, he needs to choose. But she is a grown up, and gets to choose who she wants to be in a relationship with.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2018 11:08

Just read PP and relaise I missed something

we agreed that this bloke would NOT be welcome into dps house again

Why the hell do you get a say in who goes to his house? And by saying you'll never be in the same room as her you're telling him he has to pick you his sister and possibly nieces and nephews.

You're being ridiculous. Don't go to the wedding if you don't want to but you try to make him pick you over his sister for him not telling you who visited HIS house

Original poster
lorca · 21/05/2018 11:08

I didn't organise his weekends - WE did. DP didn't want this guy in his house either, but didn't/couldn't say so to her directly. So WE came up with the weekends-are-filled.

I got texts saying 'I don't need your permission to allow my sister to stay in my own house' and he's right, he doesn't. (And that phrase came straight from her; he wouldn't come up with something like that) BUT - if she is shagging in his bed, he will want to stay at mine (or sleep on his floor in the bedroom of his house!) and he does need my permission to sleep at mine!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2018 11:12

And that phrase came straight from her; he wouldn't come up with something like that
Sounds like he needs to tell ALL the women in his life to back off.

If he chooses to let his sister and her partner stay in his bed, then it's his choice to then sleep on the sofa etc. It is your choice to have him sleep over yours. I agree. But you don't get to strop because he lets them stay and it's immature to say "oh sleep over Wednesday, I want to see you" but then cancel because you find out she's sleeping over with partner and you want to make it harder for them.

You sound really immature and selfish

Original poster
lorca · 21/05/2018 11:12

we agreed that this bloke would NOT be welcome into dps house again - WE agreed. DP wanted to support his mum in her stance; I agreed.

I don't care about her and him - their affair is just setting the scene. She was a cheated-one wife, now she's the OW. Up to her, I am not her moral compass.

What I object to is her campaign to get DP to let them into his nice warm house for a long weeekend of shagging, whilst making sure I didnt know about it.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2018 11:13

Also is he in a bedsit? Why can't he slee on the sofa? Why is he sleeping on the floor next to the bed his sister is having sex in?

Aprilmightbemynewname · 21/05/2018 11:14

Are you concerned your dp also shares sil lack of morals maybe?

Original poster
lorca · 21/05/2018 11:16

If he chooses to let his sister and her partner stay in his bed, he didn't choose to, he didn't want them there. She kept on and forced him, pretty much. If I'd been here, I would have given him the strength and strategies to refuse her (and no-one, but no-one has said no to her!)
then it's his choice to then sleep on the sofa - it's a one-bedroom place, and the bedroom and living room are essentially one. He couldn't stay there while they are shagging.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2018 11:16

Mil is being sanctimonious imo and your partner should be helping them repair their relationship, not reinforce the fractures.

I'm wondering if you are all deeply religious hence the lack of forgiveness for the affair, can't be in the house with his tainted soul, can't have access to the wider family stuff?

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2018 11:20

Where does Sil' fiance live?

Cliveybaby · 21/05/2018 11:21

Wow what a mess...
I think your feelings are perfectly reasonable, BUT... you are going to be connected to these people for the next 20-50 years (depending on age) - do you really want to keep this up?
Or you could be civil, make nice, and play the long game...
I doubt you'll be best buds... but it might be easier to geet along than laying down ultimatums

Original poster
lorca · 21/05/2018 11:21

Why don’t you let your DP deal with his family in whatever way he chooses? - because he is a weak man, and she is a strong woman who cares not a jot for anyone else. He will be (and has been in the past) completely taken advantage of, and forced into stuff that he shouldn't - because it's what she wants.

You don’t need to become best friends with SIL but she is family of your DP so you should smile and pretend to be nice whenever you’re around them. - why? She doesn't like me either (because I DO say no to her) and just because she's family doesn't mean that she won't chuck me or anyone else under a bus. This includes her own mother and brother - she wouldn't hesitate at a mere me! I need to smile and be nice?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/05/2018 11:22

Well he doesn't sound like a great bloke, but it's her choice and if they are getting married the family either have to accept it or go n.c. And not sure how MIL can refuse him access to a house if it was a joint purchase. Surely it's SIL house as well? If you don't want to go to the wedding then stay away but don't try and stop your DP from going or having a relationship with his sister

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2018 11:25

because he is a weak man perhaps you should have stuck with your original break up, too doubt sound like toy like your DP, your refusal to work on a relationship with his sister will always be a thorn in the relationship.

Is SIL the age to have kids?
Are you and DP ever likely to move in / marry / have kids?

Original poster
lorca · 21/05/2018 11:25

I'm wondering if you are all deeply religious hence the lack of forgiveness for the affair - no. Not in any way. As I have said, I don't care about her affair. No fucks given - but it is central to the post.

She had an affair with a man her mother does not like and she won't have him in the house. That's up to her. DP was horrified at his sister's treatment of their mum after it all came out, and that's why he wanted to support her (mil) in not having anything to do with him.
That's why we came up with the weekends-are-full. So that he could say he was busy and they couldn't come down. SIL found a way round, and told him not to tell me (she know I'd stop it)

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2018 11:29

The affair is important because its the reason SIL isn't allowed to being him into the house she partly owns. It's the reason her and MIL had a huge row and I'm not saying what she said was ok, it wasn't but that's on her, not on the partner.

"I had an arguement with my mom, and was really nasty and now she said my boyfriend can't ever visit" is like something from a 14 year old problem page.

If she is that angry at her daughter they need to sell the house nd go no contact but then she wouldn't feel she could control her sex life.

Its your SIL's house so she's being beyond respectful to not bring her fiance to stay over - your MIL has no right to stop her.

LunaTrap · 21/05/2018 11:30

Why does her Mum get to stop her bringing her partner to a house they jointly own? Why do you care if your DP allows his sister to stay over when it is his house and you don't even live together? It all sounds ridiculous. Assuming your DP's sister is a competent adult.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/05/2018 11:31

I told dp that I would never be in the same room as SIL again. He agreed, whilst saying things like 'I love her, she is family' - he is a weak man and has a blind-spot for 'family' who can do no wrong.

So is she really forcing him, or does he just love his sister and is prepared to accept her moral wrong doings? Maybe he chose not to tell you because he loves you both and didn't want to upset either of you.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2018 11:31

she know I'd stop it so she knows you're controlling of her brother?

Dobbythesockelf · 21/05/2018 11:39

Your description of him as a weak man sounds like you really love and respect him Hmm
You are way to overinvested in your sil life. It is your dp's choice who he lets in his house. He shouldn't of lied to you obviously but loving his sister and being close to his family are not faults or signs of weakness.

GlueSticks · 21/05/2018 12:54

So SIL is in a relationship (albeit one which started under nefarous circumstances), has been banned from having her fiance in her own home, and now has been banned from having him in her DBro's home by her DBro's girlfriend (who doesn't live there) despite the two of them helping out with doing up DBro's house? Sounds like you are all unnecessarily controlling of SIL's sex life tbh.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 21/05/2018 12:58

Op

You are in dangerous waters telling your husband how to act with his own family.

She is his sister, are affairs truly a reason to sever ties with your own sibling? I’d say not!

You say he is weak? Why on earth are you with him?

It sounds like you and his sister are dominant characters

I feel a touch sorry for your partner being caught in the middle of two women he obviously cares about

Just because you are in a relationship with someone it does not mean you have to right to insist their beliefs mirror your own