SIL wedding one....

[lorca]

My SIL was married, her H had an OW and subsequently left her. SHe was devastated, and moved in with her mum, then they bought a place together.
She has always been into DIY and as Dp is doing up his place, she's been coming down a weekends to help. Last summer she started bringing a 'handyman' with her - and as it's 1.5 hours away, they stayed over. The first few times Dp stayed in the same house (We don't live together, he has a 1 bed house and the men slept on his floor). After that, he slept at mine instead.

Round about christmas, I found out that she and this bloke were lovers. He has a partner of 25 years, and 2 teenage kids. His DW chucked him out (good for her!) and of course the gossip is all round the village. MIL is lovely, and was horrified. She was adamant that this bloke would not have easy access to her family, and would not allow him into her house. SIL then turned utter-bitch to her mum, calling her names, and saying some really spiteful, bitchy things. She also started to get a bit off with me, even before I knew about it all. Anyway, DP wanted to 'support his mum' and we agreed that this bloke would NOT be welcome into dps house again.

I went away in Feb for a 6 week trip, coming back once for a weekend. SIL was suggesting in every-increasing urgency that DP allow her and lover to come down (nowhere else to shag!. WE (DP and I) arranged all his weekends while I was away - 'that one is mother's day and you will be at home, that one is a work-do..' that sort of thing, to avoid her and him coming down.

When I came home, I found out that DP had let her and him come for a weekend, and deliberately not told me. I know he wanted the work done (anyone could have helped him, it wasn't skilled work) , but she'd told him not to tell me, as 'i wasn't there, didn't need to know'. He went along with it, thinking i'd never know. I am furious with him for the deliberate deceit, and with her for her complete rough-shod riding over everyone who gets in her way (her mother, her brother, his relationship with me, her lover's wife etc etc)

I left dp, and it took a week or so of texts and chat to get us back together, although I am still wary and angry at the deliberate deceit from him. I told dp that I would never be in the same room as SIL again. He agreed, whilst saying things like 'I love her, she is family' - he is a weak man and has a blind-spot for 'family' who can do no wrong.

SIL is now getting married to this bloke. DP is invited, I am too (grudgingly I imagine). I don't want to go, but DP is saying I should to 'support him'. I jsut think Fuck That Shit.

WWYD?

So is she really forcing him, or does he just love his sister and is prepared to accept her moral wrong doings - she coerced him. He gave in for a 'quiet life'. He knew it was wrong, as he'd given his WORD to his mum that he would support her in trying to keep this man away from her family. He went back on his word to her, and in doing so (as I'd agreed to support her too - in supporting him doing so) he broke my word too.
She manipulated him into letting her come down for a shagging weekend - she got what she wanted (always does!); DP got his work done, (all 3 hours of it! )and 'handyman' got a shagging weekend and got paid for it! How good was that for him -and SIL? Me? Not so much. I get deceived and lied to. MIL? She got completely disregarded, as usual. After all, she can't really walk away or go NC when she lives with SIL? And she knows it. (And MIL put in most of the money for their house)

'she know I'd stop it' so she knows you're controlling of her brother I gave my word to MIL that WE would support her in not allowing this man into her family. I would have stopped it, because otherwise DP would be (and did) going back on his word, for a quiet life. I would have stopped it because otherwise it would mean I went back on my promise to MIL, and I would not do that, or allow it to be done. I would have stopped it by coming up with another excuse (for a quiet life - it's not up to me to say No to her) why they couldn't come that weekend - another excuse for DP to tell his sister, along with all the other excuses WE came up with for the other weekends I was away.

You are in dangerous waters telling your husband how to act with his own family. I did no such thing. I went along with, and agreed with what DP wanted to do - support his mum. HE went back on his word. My 'promise' is exactly that - I don't break them. DP did that for me, lied to me, and deceived me - to appease his sister. He also trampled over what his mum wanted - what she does with her daughter is nothing to do with me, but if DP says he will support MIL, I will support him. Except he didn't.

Sounds very much to me you DP says yes to all the females in his life because he doesn't want any conflict. He needs to tell you all to leave him out of all the squabbles.
Regardless of who put the most money in the house still belongs to both of them and as such your MIL has no right to ban her daughters partner. The daughter not taking him there is a nod to her mothers disapproval. MIL should also not expect either you or DP to help her keep this man out of family life. That is for you as individuals to decide.

has been banned from having her fiance in her own home, - that is what MIL wanted. I was not part of that decision, it was all MIL. I just agreed with DP when he said he would support MIL, after SILs bitchy and vicious behaviour to MIL.

and now has been banned from having him in her DBro's home by her DBro's girlfriend Again - this is what DP wanted! HE wanted to support his mum's decision not to allow the bloke into his house. I went along with it - what else could I do? Not agree? I agreed with DP and supported HIS decision. Which HE went back on, to appease his sister and for a quiet life (I have no doubt she was relentless in her demands for a shagging weekend - it's been a cold winter to be doing it in the back of a car!)

I don't go back on my word. And I really don't like being lied to. DP is not out of the woods yet - I am still angry at what he did, lying to me, deceiving me and breaking my promise to MIL. And yes he is weak, but he loves his family. He is blinkered when it comes to them - SIL is uninterested in him unless it benefits her. She is not above manipulating him, and she can be vile if confronted (which is why he doesn't! No one does)

Regardless of who put the most money in the house still belongs to both of them and as such your MIL has no right to ban her daughters partner. MILs decision is nothing to do with me. MIL decided to ban him. DP decided to agree with MIL, after seeing SILs vile treatment of MIL. I went along with HIS decision.

It's your SILs home, just as much as her mother's. If their living arrangements no longer work then they need to sell up and go their separate ways. That's the same for any partnership. That aspect has nothing to do with you and you would have been wise to never engage with any of it.

Your DP has every right to let whoever he wants stay in his home. Not you, and not his mother telling him what to do. If you don't like that then you should split up.

Finally, you all sound over involved in each other's lives. Pay for the work to be done by a professional contractor, not take free help then pass judgement on those who offer it.

It is none of your business and you should have set a very clear, firm boundary by not involving yourself in any of it. Way too much hassle. Move on.

Tbh you and partner are unreasonable to support MIL rather than helping them resolve it if you really must be involved.

If you took out the affair and just said they met under bad circs I'd assume from all the over reaction that he was a convicted criminal, paedophile etc. He isn't, he cheated on his wife, he got found out and now he's trying to make it work with that person. Why on Earth would you support someone to tear their family apart for that, which is what os happening.

Mil is out of order, and instead of seeing that you're helping your partner to also rip his family apart to take the moral high ground.

Sil is being way more accommodating than she needs to be.

Where does the evil philanderer live?

I still don't get how SIL being a bitch to her Mum got her BF banned from the house. Is she actually 16??

So everything is other people's decisions, SIL is the devil incarnate, DP is too weak to say no, etc. You are adamant that this mess is because of other people's actions and decisions; the only decisions you have made were made jointly, so not your fault. You and SIL sound highly controlling of your DP, and gain from him being 'weak' and easily manipulated.

I suggest you walk away from this. Even if this drama blows over, the weird family dynamics and clashing personalities won't be changing anytime soon. You want to be treated a certain way and be able to behave a certain way, and that doesn't look possibly with your DP and SIL.

“Because he is a weak man”

Seriously. He deserves better than someone who views him like this.

His sister is family. He is allowed to stay close to her even if that means accepting her with all her imperfections.

‘We’ ‘we’ no it’s you and him. He has shown that!

Fgs leave the poor guy alone. Between you all it sounds like a nightmare.

Yes he wants a quiet life and is not bothered about other people’s business.

Sounds pretty decent to me!

I'd split up with him and find yourself a man with some backbone. Whole family sounds like a dysfunctional nightmare. I would be backing away fast!

The way you speak about other people is really nasty, OP.

Can you not just mind your own business?

Flipping heck - are you reading my posts?

I had nothing to do with MIl and SIL falling out - MIL doesn;t like bf and banned him. Her decision.
DP sided with MIL - i had nothing to do with that either. I agreed to support dp in supporting MIL, as a partner would.

Yes dp has every right to invite whoever he wants into his house - BUT HE decided NOT to allow this bloke. Then was coerced into having him there. That is nothing to do with me - I was 'kept out of it' by SIL - 'she doesn't need to know', 'she'll never find out'!

That is what annoys me - not the affair (I don't care), not MILs decision (nothing to do with me), not DPs decision to side with her - also not my doing.

I object to DP AND I deciding to support MIL, and then DP going back on it. I am the only one supporting MIL at this stage - both her dc have trampled over what she wants, and DP went back on what he promised. In doing so he's also thrown me aside - to appease SIL. That IS my business - my promise is exactly that. DPs promise - well, I'm beginning to wonder what else he would do, to appease her.

And yes, he is weak to say 'ok Sis, ok, I'll lie and deceive my partner of 15+ years, so that you can have a shagging weekend in my house (while he has to then sleep in MY bed!) for a quiet life.' MIL will put up and shut up because she has no other option. She's getting on, and doesnt want the disruption of moving out again.

Sil is being way more accommodating than she needs to be - seriously? She gets with a 'married' man (her own business); MIL doesn't approve (also her own business); SIL than throws a massive bitch-tantrum because MIL won't let the guy into her house (And it's as much hers as SILs!) and DP is horrified by SILs name-calling and her treatment of his mum. He then assures MIL that he is on her side and also will not allow the bf into his house (His business and his prerogative and his doing) I agree, as I am there when he says it. He then goes back on his word, lying to me in the process because his sister demands it.

MIL has now seen that both her dc are prepared to walk over what she wants, to get what they want. I am the only one who would have stuck to my word, if I'd known about it, but I was deliberately lied to to make sure I didn't get in SILs way.
This is SIL being accommodating?

Oh for crying out loud, you are all adults. It sounds like you are all in the playground if you're her friend , you can't be my friend. You can't take sides if MIL has a problem then thats up to her not your DP and certainly not you. As I have said before sounds very much like he is just trying to keep you all happy. What he needs to say is I love all of you and I will see all of you and if any of you don't like it tough. He doesn't need you to stop him seeing his sister or her boyfriend to help him keep some promise he only made for peace and quiet.

So it's ok for SIL to manipulate her brother into doing what she wants, get him to lie to me (his partner of 15 years) for it, and trample over her mothers wishes - to get what she wants; a shagging weekend in DPs house? I think DP should have told her to book a BnB ! Agreed, SIL is welcome to his house; just not him - as WE/DP agreed! She is the one being childish and manipulative - of everyone. Her brothers feelings, her mum's feeling, my feelings, the OMs partner (and kids) they don't matter either. Sorry sweeney I don't think she is being very 'adult', esp when she threw a massive hissy fit when MIL told her she was not allowing that man into HER house. (Again - nothing to do with me - my only issue is that she got DP to lie to me)
It is a shame - we used to get on well. She is an intelligent woman - her exH was a high-flying, highly paid academic (she works in the same field) and all her family are intelligent and high-earners. To go off with a handyman - well I can see why MIL is disgusted. He is vile and arrogant; when I first met him I went round to DPs and kissed him hello, kissed and hugged SIL hello (like I said, got on really well) and turned to him, hand outstretched. He sneered at me 'got round to saying hello to me then?' !! At dinner he regaled us with tales of how he told his clients (mostly elderly) to Fuck Off if they wanted anything more done, if they wanted to know why he was late, if they criticised his job. And SIL is now vulgar and cursing too.

He doesn't need you to stop him seeing his sister or her boyfriend to help him keep some promise he only made for peace and quiet. - I am not stopping him seeing his sister. Or bf, if he is at their house. I won't be there. The promise he made was to his MUM, not me. I also made that promise to her, as I was there at the time, and he broke it for me . I didn't take sides, I was supporting his decision. It wasn't for peace and quiet - he was shocked at how SIL was treating her mum, that's why he made that promise to her.

Then broke it, when SIL kept on at him, wanting her shagging weekend in his nice warm bed. That's why he gave in - in the face of her constant going on. He didn't even want her there - but, being a weak man (and I wasn't there for moral support) he gave in to her. And lied to me so I wouldn't know.

You came on for affirmation that you'd done the right thing presumably? But that's not happening and you won't accept it. Why bother asking?

You are coming across as over-invested and slightly unhinged if I'm honest.

Oh OP you were doing so well on the moral high ground and now your true colours show.

To go off with a handyman - well I can see why MIL is disgusted
Both men cheated on their partners, both work for a living, one of them betrayed your SIL but oh gosh, she picked the lower class person and wanted him to fit him into your oh so superior family. The shame of it!!!!

when MIL told her she was not allowing that man into HER house
I'm not excusing what was specifically said but I'd go mad if DH told me I couldn't have people into OUR JOINTLY OWNED HOME just because HE had decided they weren't good enough

I also made that promise to her, as I was there at the time, and he broke it for me angry unless your promise was to control your DH's life choices, then he broke HIS promise. It isn't about you. I get your anger at him lying to you, and you need to deal with THAT but the rest isn't about you and how you look to his mother.

I'm still curious about where the fiance lives. You say they've not had sex since the last time they stopped at brothers and that brother sleeps on the floor beside them - you seem to know a lot of detail about their sex life

And where are they going to live after the wedding?

I'm still curious about where the fiance lives. You say they've not had sex since the last time they stopped at brothers and that brother sleeps on the floor beside them - you seem to know a lot of detail about their sex life - you what? I said they haven't had sex since the last time they stopped at DP? Where did I say that? I have no idea when, where or how they have sex. DP slept at his own House^ the first couple of times they came down (so - before they got together, I assume) on the floor, (with handyman) as there is NO WHERE else to sleep. So did handyman. SIL got the bed. After the first couple of times, he left them to it when they came down, and slept at mine - so nearly 2 years ago now.

I have no idea where the bf lives other than in Scotland somewhere about 1,5 hours from us. Don't know, don't care. All I know is that SIL wanted a warm bed to shag in as it's been a cold winter and they can't shag in her bed as MIL won't allow him into HER house. No idea where they'll live after the wedding. Not my problem.
To go off with a handyman - well I can see why MIL is disgusted - that's MIL, not me. i could't give a fuck. I can see why she's disgusted with her dd for going off with a 'married with kids' handyman, as she lives in a small village. No one wants their daughter to be the talk of the village. That's still her problem, no mine. And it's NOT 'my' superior family! I'm jsut telling it how it is.

You'd 'go mad if DP told you you couldn't have people into your joint home'? Would you have a tantrum, and name-calling hissy fit? Would you scream, shout, emotionally blackmail your dp? It's just as much MILs house and home. But again, Not my problem. DP wanted to support his mum in the face of SILs rage and said BF couldn't come down to HIS house either - his decision. I went along with it. He then went back on that.
Yes I am angry at DP for lying to me. BUT - I can see that he's been manipulated into doing so by SIL. It's nothing to do with 'how I look to his mother' - I gave my word, and if I say something will happen, then that thing will. I do not go back on my word. And I wouldn't have, if I'd known about what SIL was up to; if DP had told me. But then, I wasn't expecting him to break his word either. I suppose I just expect people to be honest and do as they say they will.

Basically, SIL wanted a shagging weekend, regardless of what else was happening. She wanted DPs bed to do it in, he can just sleep at mine, right? She coerced him into doing what she wanted, and told him not to tell me. I was away, and didn't need to know. MIL - well, what can she do? Nothing.

So SIL got what she wanted. DP lied to me. MIL got ignored. I got deceived.

You'd all be OK with your DP lying to you? Your SIL manipulating him into doing what HE SAID HE DIDN'T WANT?

Yes it's all their problem, but it's mine when I get lied to. When SIL actually thinks it's ok to tell him to lie to me.

Name change fail OP in case you're worried about someone knowing you.

You have gone on and on and on about how they needed his house for a warm shag, that she wants to visit so she can shag him, that she's just after a shag.

I'm sure they can do that elsewhere if they wanted to.
And if DP is living in a bedsit (you said 1 bed earlier so he could sleep on the living room) I hardly think they going to be having much of that are they.

Or did you miss the bit where he let himself into your home without our knowledge so his sister could have the free run of his home? I would be pissed off with that, and I've said already he shouldn't have lied. I also said how she spoke to her mum wasn't ok, but I'm not surprised things got heated when DM said you aren't allowed to bring your partner into the home you part own.

And I could see why someone would be horrified she'd been with a married man. I can see why given how he speaks and acts she might be horrified. But your leading point was the inferiority of his career choice against the ex who cheated on her.

And we're back to "if I'd have known I wouldn't have let him because id have made him do something different" you have no right to make him do or not do it at all. You have a right to talk to him and discuss it but not to assume you can make him do your will. But then perhaps when you talk about him being a weak person, perhaps that's what you like. You can't then moan when it works against you

You sound creepily overinvested in this woman's sex life.

To go off with a handyman - well I can see why MIL is disgusted

You sound creepily overinvested in this woman's sex life

^ This. You sound obsessed with 'shagging', OP. It's really prurient!