What would you think of this comment

[Summerdaysarebest]

I split up with my husband 18 months ago and it has been a rollercoaster to say the least. I left him after 14 years together and initially I was convinced it was the right thing to do.

We are in contact and the other day he asked to talk. He was upset and laid all his cards on the table, he wants me back and has realised how being apart has made him realise I’m the one for him etc

It was really heartfelt and I got upset too and said I’d have to go away and think about things. In our time apart, he has dated and slept with a couple of other people although never settled as such. In the last couple of weeks we have been out for a meal and spent a lot of time together. I want to believe the things he says but something doesn’t sit right.

I contacted a friend if his who has been out with him often since we’ve been apart to explain I was confused about trying again and he said “ you are lovely and you deserve better” I didn’t ask him to elaborate because I felt he was sort of warning me off.

What would you make of that comment?

He wasn’t always respectful no, he could be rude and nasty with his words. He has paid his monthly amount throughout our split and yes, the kids see him very regularly.

but something doesn’t sit right

I’d listen to this.
Your gut is telling you something - pay attention

Without reading the fullthread my first reaction was this friend is trying to warn you off as he knows something. Now I've read TFT I stand by that first thought BUT think it's not the important thing. You sound like you know deep down you don't want to get back, it's just you're having a wobble. Steady yourself and don't go back. He did enough in the relationship without suspicions of cheating while on lads trips ( think that's what friend was hinting at) to make it a good idea to end it and keep it ended. Take him back and 6 months down the line you will be back to square one, and will find it harder to leave as you will want to justify having him back and won't want to upset kids again.

You have said something doesn't sit right. Listen to your gut. Your ex hasn't found anyone as good as you that will put up with him and his shit so that's why he's trying to get you to take him back. He's lonely and hot no-one to cook his dinner, do his laundry or shag him.
You'd be an absolute fool to go back to him if he is volatile and you suspect he cheated.

I would take it as your ex’s friend dropping the biggest hint he can without being too disloyal to his mate.

I haven’t read anything in your post or replies which would point to it being a good idea to get back together with your ex. Just because his response made you emotional doesn’t mean anything beyond a regret at what could (but wouldn’t unless he’d been a different person) have been.

Hi, I don’t want to bore anybody but I did ask the friend to elaborate. He said he did feel as though my ex genuinely wanted to be with me but that as we’d been apart so long wasn’t sure if my ex would be able to compromise being back in a marriage. He said we have both got used to being independent and it might be hard to go back. I don’t feel this is what my ex has said it seemed more his opinion.

I had a meal out with my ex on Saturday and again he was so sincere. He said if he wanted to be single and date etc he could do that now quite happily as we are not together. He has been bending over backwards in his pursuit in getting back together but although he is really trying I still have a seed of doubt. I’m torn between thinking move on or if I don’t try with him again I’ll never know.

Elaborate on volatile OP.

(Personally I think going back would be a mistake)

He keeps saying in our time apart he hasn’t met anyone that matched up to me and he only feels 100% comfortable with me. I do get that as we were together so long and that feeling takes a good while to build.

We did have money worries years ago and now he is doing really well and has said we could have a nice life together. He wants to share the nice things with me. I’m quite level headed and don’t want to feel he is spinning me a load of lies.

Flisspaps that is a good point but I really don’t know why I’m finding it so hard to let go. At this point two years done the line I shouldn’t be agonising whether to go back I thought I would of been sure of what I want by now

Why don't you date him again and see if the good feeling last.

Colbu I have thought that and we have had a few meals out and he is clear I’m not going as a couple. Maybe it will help but when I’m with him he says all the right things and I sometimes come away feeling more confused!

You've still not elaborated on volatile.

Do you mean he'd hit or throw things? Sulk? Call you names? Have everyone in the house walking on eggshells because of his moods?

He would stress out over little things for example if the kids bickered and yes there were times I felt like I was walking on eggshells. He could be moody if stressed with work etc not name calling though.

He now has a mellow relationship with the kids ( they have told me this) maybe because they are older now.

He has never thrown it hit things

Or

You only seem to be considering his feelings and what he wants. What about you? Are you happier now? Are your children happier now? Do you have a sense of relief tgat youre no longer walking on eggshells around him?

Could it be that he’s scared of the financial repercussions of divorce? Have you seen a solicitor and do you know what your settlement would be? I think he stands to lose a lot by getting divorced and he sees a reconciliation as the best outcome.

I see my ex too and feel sad and nostalgic and fond of him too, there’s no way I’d get back with him though just because of those feelings.

I would wonder why his friend thinks so little of him for him to have that opinion.

It speaks volumes as to what sort of person he is if his mates don’t really rate him as worthy.

The fact his friend will talk to you about him suggests he’s a reasonable bloke with your interests at heart.

When ExH and I split, his mates largely backed him anyway as apparently he had a right to be happy!

So, his mate knows he can be a shit.

Doesn’t mean he would be if you got back together. Maybe he’s had a taste of life without you and realised just what he’s missing. But it’s whether you want to give it a go. I guess if you don’t, you’ll never know and if you do, it could go either way.

Sending lots of strength whichever choice you take.

I agree with others, if he didn’t want to try again, would you be chasing him? Centre on what is best for you, not him. What you want.

I think getting back together would be really confusing for the dc, who have now adjusted. Especially if you don’t stay together.

I was once told by an exboyfriends roommate that I 'dodged a bullet' when I broke up with him. I took that as a sign I had definitely made the right choice in Dumping that waste of space