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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you think of this comment

69 replies

Summerdaysarebest · 20/05/2018 21:32

I split up with my husband 18 months ago and it has been a rollercoaster to say the least. I left him after 14 years together and initially I was convinced it was the right thing to do.

We are in contact and the other day he asked to talk. He was upset and laid all his cards on the table, he wants me back and has realised how being apart has made him realise I’m the one for him etc

It was really heartfelt and I got upset too and said I’d have to go away and think about things. In our time apart, he has dated and slept with a couple of other people although never settled as such. In the last couple of weeks we have been out for a meal and spent a lot of time together. I want to believe the things he says but something doesn’t sit right.

I contacted a friend if his who has been out with him often since we’ve been apart to explain I was confused about trying again and he said “ you are lovely and you deserve better” I didn’t ask him to elaborate because I felt he was sort of warning me off.

What would you make of that comment?

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 20/05/2018 23:03

OP - surely - the issues in your marriage weren’t due to what did (or did not) happen on those weekends away.
And that friend of yours - he wasn’t in the marriage, wasn’t there in your house for 15 years.

Are you sure you aren’t using those comments as a reason no to trust your Ex?
You DONT NEED a reason.

From your posts it seems that you aren’t fully sure. So - why force it.
You can continue to coparent, and talk to your Ex. Maybe even date a bit, if it feels right.
There isn’t a rush with anything - is there?

pisces7268 · 20/05/2018 23:24

If the friend has nothing to gain from this then it does seem like a weird thing for him to say. As you said, if he cared about his friend and knew he wanted to get back with you he would be telling you how much H missed you and wanted to get back together rather than telling you you can do better.

If your friend was looking to get back with her H and he asked you for your opinion would ever say he deserved better?

seventh · 20/05/2018 23:28

I didn’t ask him to elaborate because I felt he was sort of warning me off.

Ask him to elaborate

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 20/05/2018 23:32

If you are doing so well why go back to all the doubt/suspicion etc??? Your ex is playing you, mark my words, he just wants a nice cushy set up that he had before.

MyKingdomForBrie · 20/05/2018 23:36

I’d wonder what he’s being saying to his friend about why he’s now trying to get you back..

If you wouldn’t trust him don’t go there, you can’t be happy without trust.

pallisers · 20/05/2018 23:39

To me what he has been up to since you split wouldn't be the issue.

The issue would be how he behaved before you split - volative, possibly cheating etc. Why would any of this be any different if you take him back? What would change? If he couldn't change for you when you were first married, why would he now? Maybe you think he'll have gotten a fright and will be nice from now on but once you take him back, why would he? He'll probably default to his usual behaviour - the kind of thing he spent 14 years doing.

I think your friend was probably commenting on your 14 year marriage and your dh's behaviour during that. Not his behaviour since the split.

Cricrichan · 20/05/2018 23:54

For him to be a friend means that his first loyalty is to his friend but despite this he's warning you off - must mean that he's been up to some pretty crappy stuff and not whilst you were separated.

Mxyzptlk · 21/05/2018 00:07

Were you wishing you were back with him, before he tried his sob-story?

DalmatianDots · 21/05/2018 00:17

I would t ask him to elaborate. There’s a big difference between a generalised warning and chapter and verse of wrongdoing. The latter would be a betrayal of their friendship in a way that the former is not. However I wield talkie it to mean that your suspicions about your DHs behaviour within the marriage are correct.

villageshop · 21/05/2018 00:36

I think you should think really hard about what you want. As Mxyzptik asked, were you missing him and wishing you were still together before speaking to this friend of his? Explore that thought and there you will find your answer.

Don't be guided by what the friend said. He probably meant well but there are lots of reasons he might have said what he did, none of which necessarily are anything to do with your chances of it working out if you do get back together with your H.

He might have been being kind and flattering you, without thinking of the myriad ways his remark could be interpreted by you. He might like his mate being around a bit more for lads outings and would miss that if your H was back with you rebuilding his marriage.

He might know about all sorts your H got up to and could possibly be warning you off, but if your H is genuinely remorseful and wants to save his marriage it could be he really does regret his past behaviour and is ready to grow up and give his best to you to heal the hurt he caused, having learned a hard lesson.

Take your time deciding what you want and what you think will be best long term. You need to have some long and genuine heart to heart conversations with your H and both be completely honest with each other. If you both do that, and give your relationship time to heal, and (crucially) if he is able to behave in a way that makes healing possible, then the answer will become clear. You will either want to be with him or you won't, but it will be your decision based on how things really are between you, not influenced by anyone outside the relationship.

MarieG10 · 21/05/2018 06:10

After getting through the break up of your relationship, do not put yourself through it again. He won't have changed, very few do and his friend has pretty much confirmed that to you so listen to your own doubts

Loopytiles · 21/05/2018 06:16

You suspect that he cheated on you multiple times, and he was “volatile”. Sounds like you had good reasons for ending the relationship. If you go back to the relationship, chances are high that, after a short “honeymoon period” his behaviour will be similar to how it was before.

It sounds like he hasn’t enjoyed being single and that the “grass is greener”.

I would stay single and stop spending time with him.

Olddear · 21/05/2018 06:38

Maybe he's just missing all the comforts of home.

Original poster

Summerdaysarebest · 21/05/2018 06:54

I think he could be missing the married life,yes. Also, I had brought up the subject of divorce a few months back as we have been apart nearly two years.

Maybe the thought of having to split finances etc (he buried his head in the sand when I brought this up). I do love him but realistically I know it would be a life of doubt and this whole “can we try again” has put me right back. I’m annoyed because I’ve been quite strong up until now.

OP posts:

forumdonkey · 21/05/2018 06:55

An hour before your exh declaration, were you wanting to reconcile? If the answer is no, then I think you have your answer right there. It's not about what he wants but the answer lies in what you want, without his emotional manipulation. You will never completely remove the suspicion of cheating either.

Loopytiles · 21/05/2018 07:01

For you this could be just a blip. Two years apart and move on with the divorce.

He is unlikely to admit to his past infidelity, and IMO you couldn’t trust him. His “volatility” would also be an issue. I would rather be single and / or take my chances dating!

Loopytiles · 21/05/2018 07:02

What the friend knows isn’t the main point, but his opinion is that you deserve better than your ex, which sounds about right!

Original poster

Summerdaysarebest · 21/05/2018 07:23

In the past there had been times I had thought I wanted him back but I think it was the family unit I missed really. I’m now living with the kids in a rented house and we’ve been fine but I’d be lying if I said it’s been easy.

I think I miss the good times (there were many) but I do think the old problems would surface and then what? I’ve been ok in my own, lonely sometimes but that’s not a reason to go back I know.

I certainly don’t sit around pining for him or regret leaving really. I just wish I could feel in a strong mindset at times like these.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 21/05/2018 07:32

When you ended the relationship, what did he say about your stated reasons? And the infidelity?

It could be easier for you if you stop spending time with him and only communicate to discuss the DC.

Original poster

Summerdaysarebest · 21/05/2018 07:47

To be honest the last year of marriage was utterly miserable. I tried talking to him but he was always tired or more interested in his phone. I was so low. I left and it shocked him. I told him over the years that I didn’t trust him many times, but he always talked the talk. Convinced me I was paranoid over nothing and as I had no proof I accepted it.

I know I am better off away from him but it’s hard at the minute and I do think I need to stop contact for my own sanity.

OP posts:

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 21/05/2018 10:35

when i played football and went on tours, there were several guys who would chase women regardless of their relationship status. what goes on tour etc.

if one of their wives approached me and asked whether getting back together might be a good idea, i'd use the exact same words.
it's a way of letting you know the score, without explicitly dropping your DH in it.

it's possible he has more selfish motives (ie, he fancies you), but i think even then he's still trying to give you the same message.

if you want to ask him to be more specific, absolutely go ahead, but he might be reluctant to jeopardise his friendship (even if he doesn't approve of the behaviour)

Original poster

Summerdaysarebest · 21/05/2018 10:51

Thank you Discontinued model husband. It’s good to hear from a male point of view too. I know it’s a warning albeit a friendly one and I know he wouldn’t give details.

I suspect he wants his wife at home for the family time but still the fun of whatever he gets up to.

It hurts as he is so heartfelt when talking to me that it’s hard not to believe he’s changed.

OP posts:

CookPassBabtridge · 21/05/2018 10:59

I think you have done so well on your own and you should carry on getting stronger without him. He sounds like the type to change for a couple of weeks/a month and then will fall into old habits. You DO deserve better.

Loopytiles · 21/05/2018 11:08

Words are easy. Actions are what’s important. For example, during the marriage and whilst separated has he been respectful towards you, pulling his weight financially and as a father?

isthismylifenow · 21/05/2018 11:16

I think you need to read back a few posts OP like

I know I am better off away from him

If someone said that to me, I would take it as a warning, not that they were hitting on me.

Just try to think back to when you were married, and the reasons why you separated. He sounds like he is done with his having his single days now, and wants back what he lost. A stable family life. But it doesn't work that way.

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