Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When you inadvertently find out you’re the OW!!

44 replies

CandiedPeach · 20/05/2018 20:15

Only been seeing him a few weeks, although we had agreed to not see other people! But still what the fuck! Angry
We have mutual friends, I’ve been out with his friends and yet he’s got a girlfriend of a few years away at uni.

Of course he was going to break up with her. He was just waiting until the holidays because he’s such a gentleman and didn’t want her upset when she’s got her exams.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/05/2018 20:24

Presumably you’ll break up,walk away as he has a gf already
Understanding your upset he's lied to you.a purposeful and well maintained lie
No man forgets he has a gf.he chose to lie,constructed a facade to deceive you
I’d walk.hes a compulsive liar

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 20/05/2018 20:27

Oh, I’ve walked Lipstick. It’s the absolute blatant lying I just can’t comprehend and that his friends must have known as well.

OP posts:
Namechangedname · 20/05/2018 20:27

No way?! What a snake. Are you okay?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/05/2018 20:30

It’s utterly foul,he constructed a whole social facade and matted gf and lead you on
How long had you been seeing him?
Do you have mates to support you, it’s such a rotten thing, not your fault. All his fault

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/05/2018 20:32

It’s utterly foul,he constructed a whole social facade and omitted gf and lead you on
his mates presumably they knew, and somehow colluded with it
How bizarre

ScattyCharly · 20/05/2018 20:34

This happened to my poor friend. Seeing him for nearly a year and got a phone call saying do you know he’s married with a baby. Friend had no idea. But immediately cut contact. It’s common OP and at least you found out before it was too late.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 20/05/2018 20:38

Not been seeing him long at all and wasn’t expecting anything long terms. But we’ve known each other longer and I thought he was a nice guy.
He’d told me about the girlfriend only he’d said they’d been broken up a few months, our mutual friends thought the same. I’m guessing his closer friends must have known the truth though.

I just feel stupid! There’s been a few little niggles but I thought I was being silly.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 20/05/2018 20:39

Hunch is a good thing, that niggle that something is up

Gottokondo · 20/05/2018 20:45

I've been there. Took me five months to figure it out. I thought he was religious because he was away every sunday. And a friend of his was supposedly dieing of cancer and he needed to care for him once or twice a week. Twat. I dumped him over the phone. Normally I'd tell someone face to face but he didn't deserve the travelling time and expense.

Nex thing I did was promise myself no more men and dating for a year. 6 weeks after that I met my sweet husband Grin

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 20/05/2018 20:54

What’s wrong with these men! How do they seriously find it so easy to lie like that.
I just don’t get it! Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 20/05/2018 21:00

I think I’m just going to give up on men! I thought he was a safe bet, I knew him we had mutual friends he seemed very lovely and understanding of dd, we got on
and had shared interests and stuff.

Fuck knows, how you meet decent ones.

OP posts:
DropItLikeASquat · 20/05/2018 21:16

I have a little boy with a man who I retrospectively discovered was very much engaged with 2 kids, and apparently happily so. Its crushing as we too had friends who either didn't know or didn't care to tell me. But the facts are... he is a liar, a cheat, a coward and a total bastard. you are way better off without him. some people are just ass holes and lying comes second nature to them.

Ohyesiam · 20/05/2018 21:20

What were the niggles op?

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 20/05/2018 21:22

I always find it so hard to understand how people get away with lies like this in the age of social media we live in...

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 20/05/2018 21:42

Social media was one! He had Instagram and snapchat but nothing else. He’d recently deleted Instagram and then re added it so only had one really recent photo on.
When we started messaging he always did it through snapchat and he said he didn’t have WhatsApp but asked me to download another messaging app and that’s the only one he used. But I saw he had Whatsapp on his phone this weekend and I just thought somethings not right.
He said he wasn’t big on social media but he was on his phone a lot and a few times he went outside and sat in his car to make a call (he said for Work!)

I think I was ideal for him in that, I have a dd so only have every other weekend when she’s with her dad, so ideal for him to go visit his gf. I didn’t want ex knowing just yet so obviously no tagging him in social media and no photos together. I hadn’t even told many people outside my close friends so again perfect for him.

OP posts:
RLOU88 · 20/05/2018 21:47

Sorry OP Flowers
This happened to me. Was with him a year always stayed with me and then New Year’s Eve get a phonecall private number - his wife and mother of his baby girl! He blocked me and I never heard from him again. Fucking killed me but it appears to be common. Only problem is trusting the next one.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 20/05/2018 21:48

From what I gather. He genuinely broke up with her about 3 months ago, but he ended up getting back together with her a month later. He says because she was upset and he didn’t want her messing up her exams and that he cares for her just doesn’t love her. Hmm

OP posts:
MyUsername200 · 20/05/2018 21:55

Happened to me many years ago. I was dating a guy, we were exclusive or so I thought Hmm and about three months in I got a phone call from his girlfriend of four years. Shock I had absolutely no idea she existed. Safe to say he was dumped that day but that didn't stop him texting me a week later to see if I'd get back with him as his long term girlfriend had finished with him. Shock I obviously said no, that goes without saying but it taught me that some people will lie through their teeth to get what they want.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 21/05/2018 07:36

I’ve has texts and calls MyUser he’s blocked now.
I just don’t understand what he was hoping to achieve, if it was sex surely it would have been easier to have one night stands. If it’s like he said, then why didn’t he just wait a few more weeks until he’d ended things and then asked me out.

I feel dirty and used! I’m not bothered about him enough to feel cheated on myself, but I hate that I was part of him cheating on his girlfriend (even though it was unknowingly).

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 21/05/2018 09:19

I started a relationship with a man I'll call Bob one summer who told me he was divorced. I dumped him when someone told me he was very much married. He definitely appeared to be single. Nothing else in the house to suggest a woman lived there. Later found out he'd carefully hidden all his DW's and his DC's! stuff away (it was a big house and they'd just moved in.) It must have taken ages. His wife was on an extended trip to her DPs with the grandchildren. I was furious because I have strict rules about men in committed relationships and told people.

A couple months later I was in a club and someone nudged me. Told me that Bob's wife was here and walking across the dance floor towards me. Like something out of a Western. She marched up, sat down and said she'd like to buy me a drink. Very friendly. Her friends had told her I'd ditched Bob as soon as I found out he was married. She told me she was divorcing him and grateful that I'd been so public about what I thought of him because it meant the story got to her on her return, and helped her decide. It was weird but nice.

Mousefunky · 21/05/2018 09:59

It happened to me twice. The first time I had been dating someone for nine months when I received a message on FB from a woman claiming that I ‘knew about her’ and she just wanted me to know I was welcome to him Hmm. I had absolutely no idea she existed and when I confronted him about it he was so blasé about the whole thing. We didn’t see each other again.

Second time I went on a first date with someone I met on tinder and slept with him. We met on TINDER and we went to his place of work for a couple of drinks so obviously his colleagues saw us. We also were on each other’s social media. Nothing whatsoever pointed towards him having a girlfriend. She messaged me the following day to ask if I was aware he had a girlfriend after finding our texts. I screenshotted his tinder and explained that’s where we met so no, I did not know. Anyway she married him a few months later, wonder if that’s still going strong Hmm.

Men can be pigs. Sorry this has happened to you. Just block him and try your best to move on.

NukaColaGirl · 21/05/2018 10:03

Been there, done that. They’re fucking pigs. It made me feel horrendous. The fault is all his though.

VerbenaBoriensis · 21/05/2018 10:11

Maybe his friends didn't know -for some men it's so easy for them to lie to everyone. There are some good ones out there amongst the shit ones I'm sure.Flowerswell done for walking
.

Gemini69 · 21/05/2018 10:12

I'm so sorry OP.. what a sneaky little weasel... Flowers

elisenbrunnen · 21/05/2018 10:26

Prawn a colleague at work and I were friendly - he wanted more, I thought. He seemed single, did the sort of time-rich hobbies that single men do (tennis at weekends, pub-quiz Thursdays, parties, weekends away with cousins/friends/cronies) and there was never a hint of his wife in the office chat. We went for cosy drinks after work, and work do's together, and never was she mentioned.

I found out about her when I updated the NoK forms and she was listed under wife (in the tiniest writing Grin

IF i'd liked him enough, I could see me being the OW (I didn't, and couldn't and wouldn't anyway) Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread