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Relationships

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Original poster

boyfriends sister is getting married

62 replies

tiar · 20/05/2018 16:30

Hey guys bit of a long winded one but I'm really hoping for some advice as I'm stuck on what to do.
I have been with my boyfriend 6 years he is polish and I am English so once a year we go to Poland to see his family and once a year they will come and stay with us . They have always been so lovely to me but every time they come over they speak in polish which is fine but when I'm in the room I feel they should speak English as their English is very good and my polish is awful. I have tried to learn but its a very difficult language to grasp. so when I'm there and they speaking polish i feel very excluded from the conversations . The last time his sister and her fiancé came over the three of them sat speaking in polish while I was in the room so I couldn't join in with them my boyfriend knows this upsets me as I have told him many times before. so while his sister went up stairs I told him I was going to my sisters house as I felt uncomfortable. while I was gone of course they had asked where I was I thought he would have just made up an excuse but he didn't. i was really embarrassed as I didn't mean to cause any conflict. when I came back they had all had dinner and were watching tv and they all ignored me so I just went up to bed this continued for the rest of their holiday. on the night before they were due to go home my boyfriend and I got into an argument and he blamed the whole thing on me and said I should just put up with it as its only a few days a year. and his sister came out crying and told me I shouldn't be with her brother as I make him unhappy this got a bit heated between the two of us but I apologised even though I don't believe I should have. I still 7 months later feel very bitter about the argument.
So my dilemma is she getting married next month I have been invited to the wedding but I haven't spoke to them since this fight and feel embarrassed awkward and bitter. His mum keeps asking my boyfriend what I'm wearing so they are expecting me to go but I have been telling him for months I'm not going to the wedding. my boyfriend is telling me I should go as it would be embarrassing for him if I didn't and I so get that and I wouldn't want him to have to go alone and be embarrsed as I haven't gone with him but I just feel really awkward as I haven't seen them since this argument and I'm not sure who she told . please guys what would you do. I don't feel confident enough to go but at the same time I don't want them to hate me if I don't go.

OP posts:

OverTheHedgeHammy · 21/05/2018 12:50

I don't agree cat, I don't see it the way you do. I think they spoke in English when they wanted to say something directly to her, but otherwise the conversation was in Polish. And THAT's rude. We might both be wrong, however, the OP hasn't been very clear on that, tbh.

But, they were in HER home too, not just her DPs. And if their English was good, then the onus is on them to show some decent manners and speak English AS A GROUP.

MiggeldyHiggins · 21/05/2018 12:51

Or on her to show some manners and not flounce out of the house because people dared to speak their own language to each other.

It's such a british viewpoint

OverTheHedgeHammy · 21/05/2018 12:55

Nice one, but I'm not British. Not even 'English' by descent. I'm the foreigner in my family. I'm the one that likes to have a good old natter in my native language with my DSisters every now and then.

And I still think they were out of order.

MiggeldyHiggins · 21/05/2018 12:55

and you're still wrong

MiddleagedManic · 21/05/2018 12:59

What MeadowHay said. To a tee.

shiklah · 21/05/2018 13:02

I am bi lingual. I speak my home language with my DB as there are jokes and things we can't express in English. It's a complex part of your identity and bond as siblings - not necessarily being rude.

OverTheHedgeHammy · 21/05/2018 13:04

If you say so

HeebieJeebies456 · 21/05/2018 17:27

you are absolutely wrong.
Errrr......no i'm not. I'm speaking from own lived experience.
Your experience/reality is different to mine.

if both languages are native to you, you never naturally translate between them. Only learners of a language do that generally.
Well i can and so can the majority of people i know who were brought up bilingual.

GorgonLondon · 21/05/2018 18:56

I'm going to Poland for three days this summer and I'm already spending 10 min a day practising on apps and on the long suffering Polish mums at school .

It's shocking that you haven't bothered to learn the language after six YEARS with a native speaker to help you practise.

coffeeagogo · 21/05/2018 21:14

@catinapatchofsunshine - I don't want to derail the thread, but as you've clearly taken exception to what I've said, I wanted to respond to say that SIL said simultaneously translating for her isn't a bit deal - she moved from her native country when she was 8 and didn't speak any English, learnt at school and acted as a go between for her parents, it's something she's always done and she doesn't remember learning it.

The only reason I responded to the OP was to share with her how my family has experienced coping with not speaking the same language, and I think it was a valid experience.

Anyway, whatever... you are clearly the authority on everything bilingual, so I doff my hat at you and let you get on with it

kittymamma · 22/05/2018 22:08

It's shocking that you haven't bothered to learn the language after six YEARS with a native speaker to help you practise.

Quite the assumption here... I have been with my husband for 10 years and he has never helped me learn his language. At one point I put in a lot of effort to learn, then when I tried he laughed at me and told me I would never learn it. I was very upset and it took a few days for me to tell him how hurtful it was, but I then gave up and haven't tried again since (shockingly the thought of it still upsets me).

Don't assume that the partner would be willing to help, you don't know him and you don't know them.

LML83 · 22/05/2018 22:30

Do you see a future with your boyfriend? Do you want him to have a good relationship with his family? If so go, build a bridge be polite. Mum is keen for you to come. Make it work.

I agree they should speak English to include you, but they probably forgot or were more comfortable speaking first language and overlooked how that excluded you. Perhaps if this happens in future you should say 'what we talking about?'

It is likely if u have kids they will speak polish too and you will encourage this practice with family visits. So might not even be worth the effort.

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