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Original poster

Dp totally disinterested...

34 replies

NickyNora · 20/05/2018 01:09

Dp never asks me anything. I've been away for 3 days to an amazing city. He's not asked me anything about my trip.

He has never critised me.
He hasn't complemented me in years.
He never initiates a conversation.
He never asks about our dc.

He rarely complains.
He is rarely happy... shows literally no emotion.

If I don't talk there is no conversation between us.

I get really frustrated. I used to get upset & angry. I would be the shouty angry one & dp would be sat there, disengaged & 'just blank

It's soul destroying...

Anyone else have a dp like this?
I can't live like this anymore.

I've decided tonight we have to seperate. I can't do this anymore.

I need to make sense of why he behaves, the way he does..

OP posts:
honeylulu · 20/05/2018 01:16

Was he ever different?

Singlenotsingle · 20/05/2018 01:17

Autistic spectrum?

PrizeOik · 20/05/2018 01:17

How long have you been together and was he ever different?

Original poster
NickyNora · 20/05/2018 01:17

He's always been selfish but its got worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
NickyNora · 20/05/2018 01:18

Together 18 years.
Does having ASD make a difference?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 20/05/2018 01:40

Is being the autistic spectrum Nicky? If certainly sounds like it.

PrizeOik · 20/05/2018 01:41

Does he have an ASD diagnosis? If so, yes obviously that is likely to greatly impact how he behaves in relationships... But that's not a reason to continue the relationship, if it's making you unhappy.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 20/05/2018 01:42

Why are you with him? There must be some positives to this bloke or you wouldn’t be with him or have children with him?

BoiledFrog · 20/05/2018 02:01

He doesn't strike me as particularly ASD, but what do I know. I had this with my ex, well it was slightly different, he used to talk to me via the kids or dog Hmm. I think the moment I knew it was totally over was when I had more involved conversation with randomers at bus stops than him.

It sounds deeply boring and soul destroying Flowers

Is it worth having a last ditch heart to heart?

Original poster
NickyNora · 20/05/2018 07:48

No he doesn't have an ASD diagnosis. I have lots of experience of ASD behaviours & Yes he could tick some boxes but i do not think he's Autistic.

I was very grateful to him for taking me on with 2 dc. He seemed so respectable. Worked, didn't drink or smoke.

I stayed with him out of guilt, fear of returning to the stigma of being a single parent especially with 6dc. I have no skills, no money, no family support. No prospects. Now I'm middle aged with health problems & my youngest still in nursery.

It's so incredibly boring & soul destroying.

It's the realisation that I don't want another last ditch attempt. I dont want to stay with him anymore.

I don't know how, or if I will cope when we split up but i do know I can't live like this anymore.

I wish I could understand his behaviour but i know he'll deny not talking or communicating. He'll say he can't remember, if i point out speficic events. Or he says he can't do anything right , whatever he says to me, so theres no point in talking with me.

He has never acknowled any poor behaviour & has never apologised to me.
Examples would be things like not coming to the hospital when I had surgery for a miscarriage. Not coming to scans during pregnancies. Not attending diagnostic appointments with our ds. Never acknowledged that i had to have numerous tests for cancer recently.

Didn't come back to the hospital when I had our last dc. Left within an hour of her birth as he was tired. Eventually picked me up at 6pm. (Was discharged at 4pm). He hasn't even made dinner so I ordered a pizza...Confused

OP posts:
FASH84 · 20/05/2018 07:56

Bloody hell OP that's not ASD, that's awful. To not come to hospital with you, to not care about your health or any pregnancy scans. Why on earth is he with you, strangers or colleagues probably show more of an interest! This isn't just about finding it hard to communicate feelings, as some people do, this is basic consideration that even children understand. I'm so sorry you're going through this

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/05/2018 08:17

My OH is ASD and can be a bit unemotional but he's a paragon compared to your bloke.

Has he EVER shown that he's putting you first in any circumstance? Because he sounds a right selfish little bugger.

DianaT1969 · 20/05/2018 08:25

It's easy to say LTB, but with 6 kids (the last 4 are his I take it),I would think twice before leaving him. You may need to come to terms with the personality of the man you've chosen and not have higher expectations. Sad but it's futile not to. Women in marriages like this do manage to live slightly separate lives. Get your fun, laughter and interest from your friends and family. Throw yourself into your own social life (kids, female friends, schools etc). Get training in something while you are a SAHP so that you can work when you can. Look after your health, whatever that means to you - sleep, fitness, nutrition, supplements, health checks by GP etc. If you can see him more as a flatmate who helps with the children, you might cope.

DianaT1969 · 20/05/2018 08:28

I meant to ask, whose idea was it to have 4 children together? His or yours? He seems too selfish and a cold fish to want a big family. How is he with the kids and contributing to household chores etc?

Original poster
NickyNora · 20/05/2018 08:37

That's how I've coped this long Diana. I can't have 'normal friendships as i can't have anyone come here. He won't say anything, he will just sit in the room. He's so awkward & shy. Its horrible & miserable. Our family doesn't function. I'm worried about my kids.

I am looking after my health. I have long term conditions that I take medication for.

I have no close friends or family.

I can't stay as i am or put up with him anymore. I need to change this situation ASAP.

I'm making plans, money etc. The house is rented. All in my name. Everything is in my name. I have a few grand in savings. He has about £40k tgat i didnt know about. But i do now so he can go & set hinself up somewhere.

I keep reminding myself, he's an adult.
I'm not responsible for him.
I need to stop feeling guilty as he doesn't care about me. He stays as he's nowhere else to go.

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 20/05/2018 08:38

My diagnosis is simply he is a twat.
So twatism it is op.

Not a healthy environment for dc.

Or you.

Original poster
NickyNora · 20/05/2018 08:47

3 were both ideas. Dc 4 was unplanned baby.
He was good with the dc as babys. Less as they get older.
He doesn't do any activities with them. He only likes to go on holiday with dc.

He gives me a set amounting money every month nothing more. I do make him purchase household appliances when they break down.

He stacks the dishwasher after dinner. Thats about all. Hes meant to do the gardens but rarely does.

His argument is I'm too fussy about the house. He only decorates because I force him too.

He never ever complains if the house is messy but equally never notices what i actually do. Including when I moved dc rooms around who.

Its really embarressing... Blush As its-actually so weird writing this down.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 20/05/2018 08:56

We had this when I was a kid. My father was too old for children really and just used to sit in a chair and not talk to us 2 kids. We couldn't bring people home because he'd send them out on errands. My mum was out at work it was horrible I left home at 18 and never went back.

So it will affect the children if you carry on like this.They need a normal childhood - they need to be shown how normal people talk, laugh, play and learn - and you've got six! The youngest still at nursery!
(Sighs in despair)

Original poster
NickyNora · 20/05/2018 09:08

My oldest dc are in their late 20s. Own homes.

Dc3,4 &5 are teenagers.

Dc6 is 4.

Do isn't old!! Funny how you presume that Singlenotsingle

OP posts:
Original poster
NickyNora · 20/05/2018 09:08

Dp isn't old... later 30's.

OP posts:
Original poster
NickyNora · 20/05/2018 09:10

Yes i agree about out home environment affecting the dc. Youngest dc will go to school later this year & I will need to find a job.

OP posts:
ferriswheel · 20/05/2018 09:23

Boiled Frog

I can totally relate.

NellyFrestelli · 20/05/2018 09:46

I don't think @Singlenotsingle was presuming anything about his age, just sharing her personal experience with her own father.

Original poster
NickyNora · 20/05/2018 09:57

Sorry yes I agree after recreading the post. Though I can see why @Singlenotsingle would think he was old!

OP posts:
croprotationinthe13thcentury · 20/05/2018 09:58

Surely he cant always have been like this or why did you choose to have four kids with him? 🤔