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Original poster

Is his colleague over stepping boundaries?

38 replies

Mousefunky · 19/05/2018 11:47

I am pregnant so obviously hormonal and realise that could be clouding my judgement here, just wanted other opinions.

Been with DP for a little over two years. When we first got together he informed me a colleague of his had rather jealously commented on how I looked like a ‘burlesque dancer’ and a ‘goth’ and how she didn’t know that was DP’s type. He laughed it off but I thought from that instant she had a bit of a thing for him. Since then she has text him late at night a couple of times very inappropriately, just generic bullshit but filled with kiss and love emojis and kisses at the end. He deletes the messages without reply. She has also bought him a couple of little tacky gifts, not for a birthday or Christmas but just for no reason. I asked if she buys other colleagues gifts and he said he doesn’t know. He doesn’t use the gifts but I think it’s overstepping boundaries.

Yesterday she gave him a key ring that said ‘Just -DP’s name-‘ on it and told him to put it on his new car keys. Apparently it was a gift ‘for his new car’ Hmm. The ‘just -DP name-‘ is her pet name for him and similarly, he has her saved as ‘just -her name-‘ in his phone.

I was upset with the gift and thought it had hugely overstepped the mark. He told me not to worry about it and also asked why I am even worried when she’s a lot older and not attractive to him, he showed me pics of her on social media to justify how unattractive she is Hmm. It didn’t really make me feel much better...

I don’t think he is being unfaithful and he has always been 100% honest about her texts and gifts but I still feel very uneasy about it and I know DP would feel the same if a male colleague was treating me in a similar way.

OP posts:
TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 19/05/2018 11:51

I’m really sorry, but I think he is hiding in plain sight.

I would start seriously digging into this.

Original poster
Mousefunky · 19/05/2018 12:00

I have hunted through his phone a handful of times in the past, he always leaves it lying around and I’ve serioisly never found anything. The chats with her aren’t archived and there’s nothing amiss on there at all. When she has inappropriately text him, he’s shown me it straight away and deleted it without response. So, to me, it feels as though she has a crush on him of sorts and doesn’t seem to be able to contain it. I may be wrong though of course.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 19/05/2018 12:02

I disagree with the previous poster. It doesn’t sound like you have anything to worry about.
You could get your do to tell her to stop, or you could both just ignore it as you are now.
It’s really tough being pregnant and hormonal, try to enjoy it. Do you get enough attention from dp? Does he feel “ present in your relationship?

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 19/05/2018 12:03

It sounds like she has a crush but he is clearly not interested. Plus she is an old troll anyway by the sounds of things so you have nothing to worry about OP.

BoobleMcB · 19/05/2018 12:03

Got a feeling I'm going to be the minority here but purely from the OP, I think youre completely overreacting sorry. I dont think that there is anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex, the majority of mine are just that. And my closest ones I regularly buy gifts for and put kisses etc at the end of messages.

I know this is a colleague and not a friend per se but my best friend(s) started as a colleague. I'm not saying it's not possible that something else is happening but without evidence and based purely on the above, you're being VU

Original poster
Mousefunky · 19/05/2018 12:09

I have plenty of male colleagues I would also consider friends. I respect them a lot, one of them used to teach me as a student. I wouldn’t buy them random gifts. We may exchange a Christmas gift but I wouldn’t think to buy them something randomly and we don’t have nicknames for each other or text each other late at night filled with love heart emojis and the works. That’s what is making me think she has overstepped boundaries.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mousefunky · 19/05/2018 12:12

DP definitely gives me enough attention and is ‘present’. I am enjoying being pregnant following two miscarriages last year but I know hormones could potentially cloud my better judgement.

OP posts:
Storm4star · 19/05/2018 12:18

I don’t think he’s attracted to her, but...I think he needs to do something about this situation. Those messages are inappropriate and ok he deletes and doesn’t reply, but what he needs to do is tell her not to do it again. He doesn’t seem interested in her but is doing nothing to shut it down either. I’m friends with a married male colleague and have his phone number, but if I texted him late at night in that style, he (quite rightly) would tell me the next day not to ever do that again. How far is she going to go before he actually says stop? Meanwhile you’re feeling insecure and she is feeling that she’s making progress with her crush!

HarmlessChap · 19/05/2018 12:42

Sounds like she has a crush and is game playing.

I rekon she's pushing thing far enough that she can cause enough upset to create a situation where he tells her to back off but not so far that she can't dismiss her actions as banter and paint you as insecure.

IMO your DP's handling it just right by ignoring and not engaging in her games.

StripyRug · 19/05/2018 13:12

I have a friend in a similar position. And I wouldn't be so certain of his innocence in this.

My friend is a married man and has a similar problem. But not with one women, with several. And they all seem to have these ridiculous crushes on him.

He doesn't actively reciprocate but he doesn't shut them down either. He allows the women to believe their advances/gifts/messages/photos... are welcomed and appreciated.

He doesn't always respond but, when he does, the responses are a bit 'coy'; 'innocent'; somewhat embarrassed; flattered; 'respectful'... I have never known anyone be on the receiving end of as much unwanted attention as this man!

The bottom line is that the vast majority of women aren't stupid. Neither are they socialised to persistently pursue a man they are interested in even when he has shown little reciprocal interest.

There is something being said/done somewhere along the way that makes this woman feel that her behaviour is appropriate. And that is going to be coming from him.

Gemini69 · 19/05/2018 13:54

OOh he's just loving the fact she fancies the arse off him and relishes the little gifts the love notes he loves the attention.. but more importantly... he's not telling her to stop ....

He's being a Dick OP Flowers

Lookatyourwatchnow · 19/05/2018 14:15

@StripyRug

This. Great post

magoria · 19/05/2018 14:34

Why is he accepting the gifts?

He should say thank you but no thank you.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 19/05/2018 14:44

Nothing other than the pet name thing would concern me tbh. He needs to nip it in the bud & make clear he's not at all interested-depends how much he's enjoying the ego massage I suppose...

Original poster
Mousefunky · 19/05/2018 14:53

I do think that by accepting the gifts he is giving her permission to continue giving him gifts and to maybe also continue on with her little crush. She is well aware he is in a relationship and that he has a baby on the way so I don’t understand why a woman in her forties would find this behaviour acceptable. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to buy a colleague a random present, Male or female. I find it a bit odd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mousefunky · 19/05/2018 14:54

And thank you for all the replies. Stripyrug, you have given me a lot to ponder on and I’m going to raise this with him later.

OP posts:
Weezol · 19/05/2018 14:55

Is there any good reason for her having his number? If not, he should just block.
It doesn't sound like he's doing anything to worry about, but he does need to tell her to stop with the gifts and contact outside work.

StripyRug · 19/05/2018 15:03

She's doing it because everyone is flattered when they think someone is interested in them and she thinks your partner is interested in her.

It wouldn't cross my mind to buy a random present for a colleague either and that's precisely why I think there's more to this than you are aware of.

You'd have to be very brazen and confident to pursue someone continually whilst getting absolutely nothing back in return. Wouldn't you?

StripyRug · 19/05/2018 15:06

FWIW, I don't think that he's necessarily having an affair (my friend isn't either) but I find his willingness to entertain these affections and mislead the women involved to be distasteful at the very least.

And very disrespectful to his wife.

Juells · 19/05/2018 15:08

Why did he tell you what she said about you? 😡

Original poster
Mousefunky · 19/05/2018 15:14

I don’t know why he told me, it wasn’t very long after we’d met at all. She’d seen a photo of me on Facebook and made the comments to everyone at work. He thought it was amusing and tbh I didn’t find them massively insulting if that’s what she was attempting to do (which I believe she was). Not that I look like a goth anymore as a boring almost 30 year old teacher Grin but I wear red lipstick and have some tattoos.

I agree it’s brazen of her to buy him gifts if he hasn’t given her reason to believe it’s warranted. I’m going to probe further.

OP posts:
StripyRug · 19/05/2018 15:20

Haha, my son was once told by a boy in the year above him at primary school that his mum had said I looked like a 'goth'.

I think that was supposed to be an insult too.

I don't think it had occured to her that I had made choices about my appearance and that, as I sat at home listening to Bauhaus and The Damned, I might also have considered myself to be a 'Goth'. Grin

Do talk with him. Ask him the awkward questions and don't let him fob you off with claims of being nice or not wanting to upset her.

Original poster
Mousefunky · 19/05/2018 15:34

I just asked why he has her number because I didn’t really know either. I know he does have multiple colleagues numbers which is odd to me because I contact my colleagues via the work email system about work, even the ones I am closer to than others. He said “because we went on a work course together years ago and needed each other’s number” Hmm.

I also just remembered that a couple of months ago when his car broke down, after calling a couple of other colleagues to ask for a lift and them saying they couldn’t, he called her and she jumped at the chance. That slightly irked me at the time too. It was during the snow patch so he couldn’t cycle.

OP posts:
RayDropofGoldenSun · 19/05/2018 15:36

He's not shutting it down, why not?

I have a friend who is like this. Lots of men fancy her and she doesn't shut them down and flirts with them in a bantering way that she could easily say was innocent, while enjoying the benefits of their affection like freelance work. I think it's an ego boost for her and your man.

Loveyourself · 19/05/2018 15:37

I agree with stripyrug!

I've known men to string women along with no intention of doing anything. They just love the attention without realising the hurt and humiliation they cause to their partners and the OW.

Maybe you should tell her to stop if your husband can't or wont. I know I would.

Don't let it stress you too much as your main focus is the baby xx