Is his colleague over stepping boundaries?

[Mousefunky]

I am pregnant so obviously hormonal and realise that could be clouding my judgement here, just wanted other opinions.

Been with DP for a little over two years. When we first got together he informed me a colleague of his had rather jealously commented on how I looked like a ‘burlesque dancer’ and a ‘goth’ and how she didn’t know that was DP’s type. He laughed it off but I thought from that instant she had a bit of a thing for him. Since then she has text him late at night a couple of times very inappropriately, just generic bullshit but filled with kiss and love emojis and kisses at the end. He deletes the messages without reply. She has also bought him a couple of little tacky gifts, not for a birthday or Christmas but just for no reason. I asked if she buys other colleagues gifts and he said he doesn’t know. He doesn’t use the gifts but I think it’s overstepping boundaries.

Yesterday she gave him a key ring that said ‘Just -DP’s name-‘ on it and told him to put it on his new car keys. Apparently it was a gift ‘for his new car’ . The ‘just -DP name-‘ is her pet name for him and similarly, he has her saved as ‘just -her name-‘ in his phone.

I was upset with the gift and thought it had hugely overstepped the mark. He told me not to worry about it and also asked why I am even worried when she’s a lot older and not attractive to him, he showed me pics of her on social media to justify how unattractive she is . It didn’t really make me feel much better...

I don’t think he is being unfaithful and he has always been 100% honest about her texts and gifts but I still feel very uneasy about it and I know DP would feel the same if a male colleague was treating me in a similar way.

Well I spoke to him about it and he said she doesn’t fancy him, he’s almost certain of it. He said it’s simply just who she is and she wouldn’t have really thought anything much of giving him the gifts, she just thought she was being nice and she buys his boss food most days too. He assured me he’s never done anything to his knowledge to make her think he’s remotely interested and he thinks I’m being slightly over dramatic about the whole thing. So I simply asked how he would feel if one of my Male colleagues did similar for me and he agreed he wouldn’t be best pleased. He said he accepts the gifts because it’s rude and nasty to decline them.

Can't he tell her those messages are inappropriate?
I'm sure he'd expect you to do that if it was the other way round.

Sorry but your Dick Partner is loving the attention and doesn’t want to shut this down (which he could do very easily if he wanted to).

PP’s are right - he’s one of those men who string women along not bothered about the feelings of those women or you, as long as he gets his ego stroked.

So now he’s admitted that if it were the other way round he wouldn’t be “best pleased” what does he intend to do about this?

Do talk with him. Ask him the awkward questions and don't let him fob you off with claims of being nice or not wanting to upset her.

He said he accepts the gifts because it’s rude and nasty to decline them.

What a surprise that explanation was then...

I also agree that he doesn't want to shut it down. Seriously, I get messages weekly from my friend moaning about secretly enjoying all these messages these women send him.

I just ask him directly if he's told them he's not interested. He always answers something non commital like "well, I didn't reply" or "I haven't said that I am".

So I've just told him that I'm not interested and he needs to shut it down and block them because it's a) disrespectful to his wife that he allows it to continue and b) disrespectful to them they they are doing it presumeably believing they are special to him (and the only one!) when he is running them down to me about it...

He has told me that he has blocked them and yet every single one of them has also managed to circumvent this and he has no idea how. Astonishing...

I know my friend is not your partner but I really want you to understand that there are countless men who are willing to do/try to do what your partner is doing.

The number of married men I've had proposition me; attempt to 'encourage' me and play the innocent in doing so...

This woman would NOT be purusing a man with a pregnant partner if she did not have some reason to think it was welcomed, appreciated and reciprocated in spirit if not in material reality.

Is he planning on using or binning this gift ? I’d be unimpressed if it was the former . Is he normally an avoider of awkward interactions ? This lady seems like she’s seen scope for what seem like legit opportunities to her to indulge her affections. If he put his keys on that key ring to carry every day then I’d be majorly pissed off - it would be blatantly encouring her imo.

I'd be telling him to get the issue sorted so that she stops bothering him, or you're walking. His response to that will tell you everything. If he makes excuses for her still, he enjoys the attention and you're not as important. If he agrees, you're fine.

He has already binned the keyring. He showed me it last night, commented on how tacky it was and binned it but it still upset me she had even thought to buy him it. I thought it was disrespectful towards me in some way. He has said if she gives him any gifts in future he will decline them but I’m not sure he would, it’s possible he’d just bin them before he got home.

I genuinely don’t think he’s done anything with her and he’s reassured me he hasn’t done anything to his knowledge to make her feel like he’s interested (also mentioned she has a partner which is a new-ish thing, she was single when she sent the late night texts last year.)

I don’t think you have anything to worry about. He’s showing you everything and not replying to her!

He is generally an avoider of awkward interactions, that’s why I can imagine him sort of saying oh... thanks and taking it. He did just bin it and also a weird trinket thing she got him last year was binned. Not because of my reaction, rather he just thinks they’re tacky.

I don't think he's interested in an affair with her but for everyone's sake he needs to shut this down. No more non-work related texts, no more gifts. And he needs to start calling her by her proper name.

If a man accepted my gifts, messaged me with emojis and kisses, and had a pet name for me, I'd assume there was mileage in it.

she is an old troll anyway

Fucking offensive ageist comment

He’s showed you upfront what’s occurring, he’s binned the gifts and ignored the texts. He doesn’t want to cause an atmosphere at work - because he’s an avoider. It would be nicer for your peace of mind if he shut her down . Personally I wouldn’t waste anymore time on this unless he didn’t tell you what’s happening as it happens. Some people are just different to ourselves - I wouldn’t let it affect my relationship as things stand.

Oh OP, I really feel for you. You are caught between being seen as insecure and irrational, preventing your DP from having friendships and sitting there feeling uncomfortable with her / his behaviour.

He needs to shut her down but he may well be enjoying the attention on some level. If you challenge him, he is likely to say you are being irrational and he hasn’t done anything wrong. If you don’t challenge him, you will feel as though you are condoning his behaviour.

Have been there myself. I challenged. It didn’t go down well but I had to be true to myself and voice my concerns in the hope that next time my DP received a text, he might actually think twice about his response (although my DP, like yours, is unlikely to want to offend and won’t want an awkward interaction at all).

You are right to express your concerns but I think, at the same time, if he is speaking with you about all this, then you have to acknowledge it is a good thing and make sure he knows you appreciate his honesty. Good luck. I hope it all pans out ok.