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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do now?

37 replies

Emillie2009 · 18/05/2018 19:09

Hi, this is a really long story so bare with me please.
I have 3 children with an ex partner and I am now with someone else who In jan 2016 and we are now expecting a baby at the end of this year.
When I first met him I was madly head over heels, would literally do anything to please him. Whilst I thought everything was rosey I found out a few weeks into the relationship that he was still seeing his ex girlfriend, he tried to deny it but the proof was there and in the end he admitted it. I decided to let it go and to try and make another go of it. So we booked a holiday for June of that year...then just two days before we was due to fly I received a text off his ex girlfriend stating that he was still seeing her and had slept with her on several occasions. She had screen shot me all the messsges that had been sent to each other and again I confronted him about it...he didn’t try to deny it. It was obvious what was happening. Like a complete idiot I decided to forgive him again and wanted to just get away. So we went on holiday as planned and the first 3 days was bliss....as the week came to an end it became more and more obvious that there was something wrong, he was giving me the cold shoulder, ignoring me, going out on his own..by the time we had got to the airport to go home, he was telling me that he didn’t know whether he was going to go back to his ex or stay with me. I was distraught being told this information. We got home and as I expected everything went back to normal. Sneaking around, telling me one thing and doing another. He was just obsessed with her and I was obsessed with him. I just couldn’t say goodbye.
Anyway, in the end we ended up moving in together and things were clear that all this lying and cheating had took its toll, I’ve become depressed, no confidence, anxious all the time. I’m really not in a good place.

Recently I gave up my job for him at the hospital because he didn’t want me working with doctors etc, so I thought I’d have a career change and go into beauty but now I’ve just found out I’m expecting.
No job, no friends, family doesn’t care (never has done) and all I’ve got is these four walls and I’ve never felt so low.
Please can someone give me some advice?

OP posts:
LeChatDeNuit · 18/05/2018 19:35

He didn’t want you working with doctors? Confused

What do you see in this man?

wtf2018 · 18/05/2018 19:38

So he's isolating you and making you feel worthless?

Sounds like fairly typical abuser material to me.

You get out love... and find freedom and happiness. He's not going to be great just because of the baby. Baby will be hard whatever and harder with him doing this to you Thanks

AnyFucker · 18/05/2018 19:38

What advice do you want ?

There is only one route for you that I can see.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 18/05/2018 19:42

The advice I have you won't want to hear as you state you're obsessed with him which I figure must be true to tolerate such utter bullshit from him Hmm
He didn't want you working with Drs yet he's shagged his ex for your entire 'relationship' ?
You know you need to dump him but you won't, he has you exactly where he wants you unfortunately Sad

Singlenotsingle · 18/05/2018 19:43

He's a control freak isn't he?

TooTrueToBeGood · 18/05/2018 19:44

Leave, leave, leave. Serial cheating, controlling behaviour, lying. How bad will you let it get before you accept that he will always be a wrong un? Get out whilst you still have some shred of self-esteem left. Stay and he'll suck the marrow out your soul.

MMmomDD · 18/05/2018 19:46

OP - what advice do you expect?
You should not be with this man, should not be having a 4th child.
This relationship has no future, really.
Unless everybody involved accepts the situation - and you live in a Mormon-style arrangement.

What is so special about this particular man that two women want to put up with him?

If you can afford to raise 4 kids on your own - great.
Otherwise - i’d think very carefully about the future.

PrizeOik · 18/05/2018 20:01

Why did you give up your job for man that can't even be arsed to pretend he's faithful to you...?

Im sure you don't want to hear this but in your situation I'd definitely have a termination and kick this waster out. And perhaps see if you can get your job back at the hospital.

Why are you trying so hard to ruin your life and your children's future for the sake of this man??? He's barely fussed with you! Is his cock studded with diamonds? What could possibly be so special about him?

NotTheFordType · 18/05/2018 20:12

How is he with your existing children?

category12 · 18/05/2018 20:12

How often does he need to cheat on you to make you split up with him?

Why are you sacrificing your earning potential (your dc's security and future) on the say-so of a man like this?

Have you considered not going ahead with the pregnancy?

wtf2018 · 18/05/2018 20:13

If you want the baby keep the pregnancy don't feel pressured to terminate.

But you're going to have to accept you're having a baby on your own like it or not if you do. He'll walk

Gemini69 · 18/05/2018 20:24

The advice I have you won't want to hear as you state you're obsessed with him which I figure must be true to tolerate such utter bullshit from him Hmm
He didn't want you working with Drs yet he's shagged his ex for your entire 'relationship'?
You know you need to dump him but you won't, he has you exactly where he wants you unfortunately Sad

THIS ... will bells and bows on Flowers

MadameMaxGoesler · 18/05/2018 20:26

he didn’t want me working with doctors
Is he aware that the majority of younger doctors are female?

Original poster
Emillie2009 · 18/05/2018 20:26

He’s not been in contact with her for around 12 months I believe... but the problem is now how I’m feeling. I’ve no idea what to do. I know I’ve only got two options either walk away or put up with it. I just wanted to see what others thought about it and what advice you could give. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Emillie2009 · 18/05/2018 20:29

He has trust issues himself which I think is down to the fact that he’s cheated and lied himself

OP posts:
Fourteenth · 18/05/2018 20:30

For your own mental health, leave him. Today. You know deep down he won't change and that's gonna make you ill. Flowers

TheBogWitchIsBack · 18/05/2018 20:31

There's only one solution to your problem, you know what it is.
Slam dunk the cheating, controlling piece of shit into the nearest bin.

category12 · 18/05/2018 20:36

He doesn't have trust issues - he has control issues. Getting you to give up a decent job is so you're more dependent and so your world shrinks more to just him.

marjorie25 · 18/05/2018 20:38

The shit some women do and put up with beats the crap out of me.
There is a saying that goes like this:
God Bless the Child that have its own.
When you recover from this debacle, please have this placed on your front door and fridge so that you see it every day.
Right now I am at a loss to know what to tell you, but all I would say, do not under any circumstances that let imbecile back into your life.
Life will be hard, but do you want to be with someone who is dipping his wick between you and the ex.
You need to take one day at a time and please for the love of God, have your tubes tied after this baby.

GeordieGirl233 · 18/05/2018 20:44

I'm guessing you're hoping for some scrap of hope, that one of us will tell you what you want to hear "maybe he's depressed, maybe he just can't express his feelings, don't give up, it'll all be sunshine and rainbows when the baby arrives etc" I'm sorry mate but it's not going to happen. The guy is an absolute cunt and you're so much better off alone than with a rat like that.

You never fully understand how bad a situation is until you can look back on it, so please get out of it and realise your own self worth. You'll wonder one day why you tolerated it.

You'll be less lonely by yourself than you are with this tosser. Finish it xx 😘

TheBogWitchIsBack · 18/05/2018 20:45

Also the trust issues he has are not trust issues. It's a classic case of projection. He's a disgusting, cheating snake so he measures everyone by his own skewed moral code.
Trust issues my ass.

EEJ1987 · 18/05/2018 20:47

I’ve already decided to have my tubes done after I’ve had the baby. I don’t want any more children after this one...I just need to have a long think about what I’m going to do with my life now. Not having the support of friends and family makes things worse..that’s why I’ve come on here. Such a shit place to be in

GeordieGirl233 · 18/05/2018 20:53

EEJ1987 ❤️

category12 · 18/05/2018 20:57

Is he the reason you're socially isolated?

EEJ1987 · 18/05/2018 21:01

Partly My fault because I was that wrapped up in my love life at the beginning that I shut my friends out But I did make lots of new friends in my job but now I’ve left I don’t have contact with them anymore.

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