Feel a bit hopeless after reading this - re. dating in your 40s and 50s

[bakerstreet101]

If this is true of online dating why wouldn’t it also be true of real life.

At 49 I feel like I have no chance of meeting someone .

medium.com/@moegreen2015/observations-of-40-50-year-old-women-on-bumble-8af332da9df2

I think it's patronising nonsense to suggest women divorce for illusory "grass being greener". Most women agonise over the decision.

Much of the reason splitting up comes as a surprise to men is they have been told again and again what the problems are, but dismissed it as "nagging" and didn't take the woman seriously (which is sexist in itself).

It comes as a surprise to women too reading this board. It wasn’t meant to be patronising or sexist, it was meant to point out that often one partner is obvlivous to how unhappy their OH is.

The writer has a grand total of one post and two claps on a self-blogging site after over one YEAR. It's not like it's trending stuff and masses of people are agreeing with it! He must have a sad life.

Unless you are the writer desperately trying to get his drivel read.

Unless you are the writer desperately trying to get his drivel read.

Definitely not.

I came across it because I was considering joining the friends bit of Bumble. And got completely put off .

I agree with the posters who think his tone is critical and patronising.

I am separated and yes it has been agonising and awful. And nothing to do with the grass being greener or wanting an upgraded model as the author puts it. If I could have remained in my marriage I would have.

I think the issue of actually having the time and opportunity to meet new people is a big one.

But my ex moved on at the speed of light . Painful doesn’t cover it.

And I don’t even want to date yet as the grief over the end of my marriage is all encompassing, but I am at the same time worried that I have very little “viable” time left in terms of meeting men .

Heck I haven’t even got a clue how to date - I was with H for many years and he was my first boyfriend.

Let’s face it - it’s probably not going to happen for me is it.

The 40,50 something divorcees I know have had no problem getting bfs and getting married again.

It is the late 20s/30 somethings slim, nice looking ones who seem to have the problem.

Dmil is 95 and has not had a problem getting male friends since dfil died.
I don't think she has ever heard of Tinder

It can happen at any age - lots of middle aged and older people find partners again. OAPs get re-married.

I, personally, don't think online dating should be the main arrow in anyone's bow - it's good alongside getting out and about in real life and pursuing your own interests. I know you're reeling from the end of the marriage, but there's a lot to enjoy about being single.

OP, in that case, let me point out to you that arseholes do exist. And once you start dating you will meet some too. But it is your choice to not engage them, it is your choice not to waste your time thinking about their archaic opinions. Look, I get it that it is extremely painful for you to see your ex move on, but setting that to one side for a second, your response to deal with the grief of a relationship breakdown is healthy. His is not. He will come face to face with this at a later stage when you have dealt with it and have found peace. And it will be much worse then.

Put dating and the chances of meeting people out of your mind, try to focus on yourself and your healing. One day very soon you will be happy again and you will at that point make a choice to date, or not to date, but you will be OK regardless.

Thank you AnaViaSalamanca, your post is very kind .

Thanks to everyone else too.

there's a lot to enjoy about being single. yes, I haven’t even got to the stage of finding out what those things are yet, as I wade through post separation grief and guilt.

Wow that's one bitter man!

who isn't a very good writer.

Oh dear. I didn’t take that article seriously as soon as I read the title, which should be “Observations ABOUT... “. I then just took it as a partly tongue-in-cheek vent. Women vent about the men on OLD too!

I made the mistake of jumping into a relationship too soon after my marriage broke up, when I should have taken my time to focus on myself first. In all honesty, this subsequent relationship has been more damaging to my sense of self and my independence than the grief from my marriage breakdown.

Give yourself time

The majority of men prefer women their own age.

What a load of shit. And yeah, the writer is a vile misogynistic cunt who is saying 'serves the saggy old fucking bitches right that they can only get a knackered old grandad, for divorcing a man who was only boring and annoying and who she had fuckall in common with!'

Yeah, men of 45-50 may WANT a 28-33 y.o. woman coz she is fitter and hotter (maybe!) but that hot fit 28 y.o. is not gonna want a saggy arsed, balding, past-middle-age old bore with a floppy dad-bod, who probably needs Viagra! SHE is gonna want a 33 y.o. high flying handsome, great-in-the-sack hotshot with healthy sperm who wants kids within a couple of years.

So yeah, maybe a middle aged woman who leaves her husband of 25 years - for nothing apparently - may not be able to hook Zac fucking Effron, but then again, most 50 y.o. men ain't gonna be hooking a 22 y.o. supermodel ARE they?

GRRRRRRR!! VILE VILE article!!!

Oh and ya know what??? If I ever left MY husband, I doubt if I will want anyone else anyway. What a cunt that man is - assuming every woman who leaves a boring marriage, is going to be desperate for another man. Cunt.

UserV you are right. If you look at the statistics, people mostly form relationships and marry people their own age, both men and women, regardless of how old they are.

However the most attractive middle aged men do have the option of going for younger women, and often will. But the great majority of middle aged men can't. If a woman is complaining that "all" the men who age are chasing younger women, perhaps she needs to look at how high her standards are.

Agree with user I’m sure men do want to date younger, but younger women generally don’t want your average balding 50 year old with a pot belly who has an average Joe job, men who date significantly younger attractive women tend to either to be handsome/good career/loaded/famous. Also I expect most women would like to date younger men purely on the physical aspect alone, though most are realistic and realise that they really would not have a huge amount in common with a 25 year old man, unlike these men on the websites who only want younger women who are utterly deluded.

Bitter and twisted for sure. And nastily trying to tap into some women's insecurities and self confidence. You can date and start again at any age.

I know lots of people in their forties and fifties who have met lovely partners and gone on to get married. Admittedly they had to go on a few dates first with unsuitable people but they persevered and have ended up finding happiness. As someone said up thread, it's my friends in their thirties that seem to find it more of a struggle as they'd like children and I think feel the pressure more whereas older friends don't have the same urgency and things can happen more organically.

It's bollocks.
I know lots of women in their 20s. Not one of them is remotely interested in dating an old man.
Two of my 40+ friends got married last year, both to younger childless men.
I met my dp on line.
Again, he is talking bollocks.

saggy arsed, balding, past-middle-age old bore with a floppy dad-bod

Floppy dad bod Brilliant description, @UserV.

I found, reading between the bitter lines, the writer to be a sad man. Unpleasant and sad.

Op I divorced my xh because he was a twat. Simple as that. After 22 years I’d had enough and wanted to be on my own (+ my kids). I did not want another relationship. EVER!
I gave myself time to heal (very important) and as my self esteem had taken a kicking I joined Match. Not to meet anyone and certainly not to go on dates etc. I just wanted a little boost. Someone to find me attractive enough to bother saying hi to.

On the first day I found my Mr Wonderful. He is younger than me (12 months but it counts and doesn’t have children. I never even went on the site again apart from cancelling my membership. 4 years later and we are getting married next month. I’m 50 in July.

That was a harsh read.

I do think it's rubbish.

First it devalues women's process through a divorce, all you have to do is come on here to see how long and hard most people agonise over it.. Nobody takes it lightly.

Secondly, I am 46 and happily married but still get lots of make attention from men all ages, especially when I am in a good mood and in high spirits!

I think the reason many women may struggle to date in this age bracket is more down to lack of time and energy with often still young children, demanding jobs etc which also means lack of enthusiasm for the whole dating thing.

And who can blame them

That’s a load of crap.

Online dating is just like real life dating. There’ll be people (men and women) wanting someone older or younger than their usual age group. There will be people seeking people without children, or who don’t want children. That’s fine, isn’t it? We all like different things.

Women over 40 will absolutely find people - good people- to date, as well as kissing a few utter frogs as anyone would do in real life. If my mum can online date at 65 and find a few lovely boyfriends out of it anyone can! (Her boyfriends have been similar ages, it just didn’t work out eventually for usual relationship reasons / personalities etc).

I found my dh online. I am 8 years older than him and was divorced and had one dd aged 6 when I met him. We have been together coming on to 9 years now and have a son together.

Sounds like a middle aged incel. I truly hope you never, ever come across him on Bumble.

Oh dear, he doesn't really like women very much, does he?

BakerStreet I kicked my husband out 6 years ago because of his poor behaviour. I was 37.

During the subsequent 6 years, I have had a bit of a dabble online dating and met a couple of men in real life.

He does have a point about the sort of men who are online, if I'm honest but...

Just last night, I went out and danced. On my own. I'm not interested in meeting a man or being hit on by men or chatted up by men. I'm just not interested. I want to drink good beer and dance to good music. That's it.

Plenty of men were as interested in me as were interested in the younger women and there were men who were ignoring (looking around and past these younger women) to look at me.

In the past week, I've had a recent ex boyfriend (mid 30s) tell me that he still loves me and regrets the things that meant I ended it.

And another man I know (my type (so attractive to me but probably not everyone's cup of tea!); 5 years my senior) tell me that he really likes me.

I'm resolutely single for the foreseeable. I'm taking some time for myself. I have AS and I'm not very good at relationships so I'm saving everyone the heartache all round but, if the goal is being visible and attractive to men in your 40s and 50s and the concern is men in their 40s and 50s only wanting women in their 20s and 30s then, I have to say, it's not my real life experience.