does every couple have at least one big argument over sleep/division of labour/what a state the house is in when you have a newborn?

[CocoDeMoll]

I can’t even remember what started it but i think it was just about being shown apreciation of all I do rather than expecting massive changes.

I’ve tried keeping my cool and communicating like a rational human but I did what I always do and let it build up inside till I went silent and then exploded once both children were asleep last night.

I’m just so tired and feel like he doesn’t realise how lucky he is not to have to do any of the night stuff.
I’m breastfeeding and co sleeping so this was my choice to kick him out of our bedroom. I don’t actually want or expect big changes but just for him to know he’s getting an easy ride and appiciate that.

Yes. More than one! You will bother be tired and it is very easy to get competitive about who is most tired. Your whole life has changed, and this very small bundle is suddenly your number one priority and everything else is turned upside down. It is amazing but scary and exhausting and everyone has an opinion on everything you are doing.... just keep talking to each other and remember you are meant to be a team. All mine were breastfed so I had to do night feeds, but when on paternity leave and Friday and Saturday nights (so no work in the morning) my OH did all the passing them to me, winding, nappy changes and settling. I just fed then went back to sleep... and after the feed first thing in the morning even on work days he got up so I could crash for a couple more hours while he sorted breakfast etc for himself and the older kids. And sometimes we both just needed to acknowledge that it was shitty and we were grouchy and knackered, try to remember what we had achieved not look at what was still on the to-do list, and plan nice things to look forward to even if only a meander round a National Trust place and an ice cream.

This is crappy but normal and it passes xx

Yes. Many more than one in our case.
My first had feeding issues as a baby and was very ill as a toddler. We were bloody knackered. And stressed. And both trying to work too.
He's now a teenager. We are still together!

Yup.

I felt like we were aceing it till 4 weeks in and all the Adrenalin had worn off!

I'm sitting here seething right now because DH still hasn't bothered to get out of bed, it's 9am on a work day, I've been on duty with the baby since Wednesday morning, he has never done the overnight, not once...

And then he says "You know I really appreciate all you do, right?" and just that's bloody genius, because if I say "no" I'm being a cow, and if I say "yes" he's off the hook.

Ahem. Um, I'm glad it's not just me, and sorry you're going through it too OP.

joan that all sounds a bit familiar!

Just one?!?

Just one so far . Last time the first 3 months felt like a battle field.

Hahahahahahahahaha. Is this even a question? Much love OP, it is bloody knackering!

YABU. Most people have more than one

It does bring out the worst in resentment & martyrdom

Argh DH did one night where we put the 12wo DTs on bottles so I could have a complete night's sleep. One night. In three months.

Well fuck me, you'd have thought he'd done the bloody Marathon des Sables going by the subsequent whinging. "Oh I'm so tired, I don't think I could do that again, well maybe next month..."
I do it EVERY FUCKING NIGHT

Yes. And then repeat at least weekly for 25 years.

That was the most constructive thing we ever did in NCT class - made a list of all the household tasks on post it notes and allocated them between us, crucially before we were in a sleep deprived fog of irritability.

Am not saying we stuck to it, but was handy to refer back to the post its - 'you did say you'd clean the bathroom' etc

We also role-played a day of parental leave vs a day at work, to see how demoralising all this competitive tiredness could be.

Yup. Isnt that a right of passage

We've had A LOT.
Lots about normal stuff (sleep, work, in laws).
Lots about mental load (why is it up to me to do all the thinking about what he needs, decisions about routine, managing expectations about visits etc)
Lots of rage from me about him not understanding body impact (prolapse, weight gain, failed breast feeding)
Lots of rage about the fucking hero worship of men when they do ANYTHING and judgement of mums for everything.
Genuinely considered breaking up. It's fucking hard.

Yep DP said when DS takes a bottle he’ll do split night feeds with me. Got DS on a bottle, went back to work doing 6 hours less than DP a week.
He does one night feed and says how tired he is, shit that I have to ask for him to do a night feed, but he never asks me because is expected.
Having that argument is an absolute right of passage though! (And DP does pull his weight now)

Oh fuck yes. Household tasks.
Me: all you have to do is empty the bins and keep your job.
Him: but it's a big change of routine to remember to empty the bins every day (nappy bins)
Me: yes well it's a big change of routine for me to put on three stone, stop working and have to look after a helpless child 24 hours a day.

In our case it was the opposite. I had issues with him about all those things pre-baby and when our DD was older, but not when she was little.

Glad it’s not just me. Either the people I know with babies are either super human, saints or lying as it feels as if I’m the only one who moans about all of the above...

Not being goady but no.

We bottle feed. For 3 months I went to bed at 8pm. DP did the 8pm and the 12am feed. I did the 4am feed. We both got plenty of sleep.

Just one?!!
My DH is mostly helpful (all the cooking is his main job) but is still clueless sometimes. I hate it when people ask us 'how's she sleeping' and he answers them ... I'm standing there like, 'how the fuck would you know sunshine?' I've not had an unbroken night's sleep for 6 months, you lie in every weekend and then whine about how tired you are!

My DS is 7 months and we've had so many From my side it mainly stems from feeling like I do everything while his life has hardly changed (which is not really true, but he could definitely do a lot better). I think from his side he feels a bit pushed out and perhaps unappreciated, although he hasn't said as much to me. Really hoping it gets better soon. I'm sure tiredness has a lot to do with it on both sides.

Yes . Many more than one!

Oh so familiar, we had this row so often it got it's own name. I called it the 'pull your bleeding weight mate' row. It did settle as the baby settled though. Tip my Mum gave me was that each of us had to pick the one room that would drive us round the twist if it got too grubby. I chose the bathroom he chose the kitchen. We each kept our 'picked' room clean and it just about kept us ticking over until DS slept through the night. Good luck!