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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend always makes up stories....?? sorry long

35 replies

LouBeeLou · 10/08/2004 12:58

I am having problems with a close friend of mine at the moment.

Recently, during perfectly innocent conversations with other friends, it has become apparent to me that a friend of mine is making up stories and majorly over-exaggerating things.

At first it seemed like a quirky part of her character (for example she would moan that she was working 70 hrs a week until we asked how that could be possible when she's only in the office 4 days a week and still gets home in time to put her ds to bed??). But now it has become a little bit more sinister and she is blatantly lying about things. To make it worse she seems to be forgetting who she has told what so is tripping herself up.

She always told us that she was a fully qualified solicitor UNTIL another friend of ours started legal training working at another solicitors. Now she has 'demoted' herself to 'training legal executive'.

There has also been a big hoo-haa recently as her dp had some sort of flirtation with a married woman he works with. It was all very complicated as I know the 'other woman', although we are not close, and some things my friend was saying about the whole thing did not ring true. I really felt for her and wanted to support her but then she really p*ssed me off because the 'other woman' got an idea that I was spreading rumours she was a serial adulterer (which I was not!), and I can only think it came from my friend.

I don't mind the odd bit of exaggerating (how beautiful our kids are, how important we are at work, etc), but I have a feeling that it is now becoming quite harmful. Also it's a bit 'Peter and the Wolf' - I am now struggling to believe ANYTHING she says!

Don't know what to do really, I am livid at the moment, too p*ssed off too speak to her - what good would it do anyway? It's like being back in the playground!

Anyone had a similar experience and managed to salvage the friendship?

TIA

OP posts:

Northerner · 10/08/2004 13:02

Hi LouBeeLou! I thought your friend was a Mumsnet lurker. What if she reads this?

Original poster

LouBeeLou · 10/08/2004 13:04

Hi Northerner

Well, she said she was, but who knows..........??

Don't care at the moment anyway, I am too cross!

OP posts:

spacemonkey · 10/08/2004 13:05

mm, similar thing happened to me recently - a so-called friend spread poisonous lies about me. In that instance I didn't WANT to salvage the "friendship". However, your situation sounds a bit different! If you want to salvage it, you will surely have to talk to her and be honest with her about how upset you feel. Or write her a letter if you feel you can't tackle it face to face. That's what I would do if I wanted to save the friendship. Hope it works out for you x

Northerner · 10/08/2004 13:09

Hmm, didn't realise things had got this bad. Has something else happenned that I'm not aware of or is it just a culmination of things?

Original poster

LouBeeLou · 10/08/2004 13:10

Thanks.

I know I need to speak to her really, but might be better done when I've calmed down.

But how on earth do you tell someone that you know they are bullsh*tting?

OP posts:

Original poster

LouBeeLou · 10/08/2004 13:13

Northerner - bit of both really.

The more I have thought about things that she has told me in the past, it all seems b*llocks. Things she has told you and I'm thinking 'hang on, that's not quite true'.

I'll call you later on - are you in tonight?

OP posts:

Northerner · 10/08/2004 13:15

Yep. And dh is at work so we can have a good old natter.

Now get yourself off to my thraed about setting rules at mealtimes and offer me some advice!

MummyToSteven · 10/08/2004 13:22

Hi LouBellLou. What is it that most bothers you about the lying? Is it the "other woman" situation, or is there more to it than that? It sounds like your friend must be very insecure - eg lying about being a qualified solicitor, and that maybe she feels her life is going out of control atm. Has this all got worse since the dp/married woman flirtation incident? I think to salvage the friendship you will need to go quite carefully with her - I think it will have to be a bit of a softly softly approach on your part - that you are concerned that she doesn't think she is good enough/interested enough to be mates with you. It doesn't sound like she would be strong enough at the moment to cope with a confrontation from the POV - you have behaved like this and owe me a massive apology.

Original poster

LouBeeLou · 10/08/2004 13:29

I am worried about her. It has got worse since she had ds last year and the whole dp/other woman thing. She has always been the best at everything and I think perhaps she is struggling with ds and dp but trying to keep up the whole Stepford Wife appearance.

I am v annoyed at the moment but (when I think rationally about this) I do think that there is some kind of underlying insecurity issue that is making her behave like this. If we go out she ALWAYS is the one to drive or come round to my house, as if she doesn't want anyone to go round to her house. She also cancels things at the last moment with bizarre excuses.

I even thought it might be PND but don't know enough about that really.

I just don't know how she would react to me voicing my concerns.

OP posts:

Chandra · 10/08/2004 13:43

Have known a similar person... she is always making up stories, she used to set herself above the rest saying that she was living in the most expensive area of the city but failed to mention that she lived in the military barracks, she has told everybody she is doing an MA while she is doing a certificate which is the equivalent of university undergraduate first year. She is always making stories to make us think she has such an interesting life but in all her imagination she is very good in gossiping. I usually heard if she had said something about me but the day that she said an awful thing of me just two weeks after I have taken care of her 2 dd and had her husband coming for dinner every night for the week she was away at her father's funeral I was just livid. I binned the relationship. And I have no regrets, I think that friendship was very suffocating (always thinking in what to say not to say to avoid her making more stories)

Northerner · 10/08/2004 13:46

I have some theories on this - I'll tell you later.

CountessDracula · 10/08/2004 13:48

I have a friend like this, she makes up stuff a lot and it can be very embarrassing. She even does it in front of her dh and he usually sets her right. I think she is majorly insecure - I can remember when we were about 18 she got very upset when we went to a posh party and the mother of the vile birthday brat was asking everyone where they were at school - when she said the local state school rather than the posh one the mother's face fell and she said "Oh, oh..." and walked off

This seemed to be the beginning of it and she started making up all sorts of stuff. She is a sweet and kind person as well, none of the stuff she makes up is malicious, just boasting really. I do find it embarrassing but I really like her as a person so I just ignore it - dh agrees that this is the best course of action.

If she started bad mouthing me and making up lies about me I would just stop seeing her I think. It would be too much to confront her after all these years of letting it go IYKWIM.

Original poster

LouBeeLou · 10/08/2004 13:51

Suffocating is the right word!

Always have to think about what I'm saying to her. Also she has a thing about telling you a 'secret' (I'm trusting you not to tell anyone, etc, etc), only to then go and tell EVERYONE.

Or the whole 'he doesn't know that she knows' confusion, where in the end you can't remember who knows what and what you're supposed to know about so then there's the whole fear of putting your foot right in it!!

Arrrgghhh!

OP posts:

MummyToSteven · 10/08/2004 13:55

LouBellLou - I would maybe try and open up the dialogue with her with a bit of a white lie - maybe say you are worried about her coz she looks a bit tired/like she has lost some weight and wonders if she is ok after the stress with dp, and maybe see if she would confide in you.

woodpops · 10/08/2004 16:07

LouBeeLou, my dh best friend is exactly the same. We seriously think there is something wrong with him. He is a compulsive liar and like your friend he forgets what he's said to who and trips himself up. I could go and and on with stories about what he's said and done. It's now at the satge weher neither me or my dh believe anything he says. But dh won't say anything to him about it as they've been friends for 30 years. I always question dh friend about everything he tells us untill he trips himself up. God he must think I'm a real bitch. But I don't want him thinking we believe all this shite that he tells us. IYKWIM.

bran · 10/08/2004 16:18

I don't have any friends who make things up, but I have an aversion to gossip and have had gossipy friends in the past (if you grow up in Dublin most friends are bound to be a bit gossipy), and I usually ask them not to tell me 'secrets', or anything that the person concerned wouldn't want me to know. Which at least would save you from having to remember what things you're not supposed to know, because you won't know them.

wellsie · 10/08/2004 16:49

LouBeeLou, my SIL is like this - some of the things she says are crazy. We normally pull her up on it, question her until she trips up or laugh at her (cruel I know). I think it is an insercurity thing. I believe she thinks her life is crappy so telling porky pies makes it a lot more interesting for all!

P.S. If it wasn't for the fact that she was my SIL I wouldn't have anything to do with her. I hate liars.

Fio2 · 10/08/2004 16:51

I had a friend like this when i was younger. She evn told me her dad was HIV+ (he was heamophilic) but it was a lie how can you lie about things like that?

Original poster

LouBeeLou · 10/08/2004 17:08

I hate it. My ex-p lied all the time and she knows that which makes it all worse.

OP posts:

bran · 10/08/2004 17:48

What about being quite hardline with her and saying something like 'I'm never quite sure whether or not what you tell me is entirely true, so I'm going to assume that things that you tell me about yourself or someone else are just stories unless it's confirmed by another person.'

Of course there's always the danger that she'll go off the deep-end if she feels cornered by you doing this, and then she might end up spreading malicious stories about you.

almost40 · 10/08/2004 17:57

She sounds like a pathological lier. I wouldn't want to stay friends with her. She probably needs help.

wellover40 · 11/08/2004 08:37

Agree with almost 40. I had a friend a bit like this. She was always telling me horrible and confidential things about people we knew. I have no idea what was true but suspect much wasn't. Although she didn't boast that much, she was very secretive about her life and generally deceptive (affairs with married me, bad office politics etc). However as at first she seemed like a supportive friend and was very entertaining company, I got quite close to her and convinced myself she was on the level with me.

It gradually dawned on me that she wasn't. As our friendship broke up I realised how many lies she had told me,a nd how she had pushed me to confide in her when I was reluctant to do so. I realised how malicious she was when I saw what she had written about me in some emails to mutual friends of ours. What really hurt was that her malice and lies did not stop with me but extended to my children and my partner - she cast some incredibly nasty aspersions about them too.

That was the final straw. I couldn't let her lies affect the rest of the family. It had taken me a while to believe she could be so underhand. As she knew us all very well, it was easy for her to create twisted but just plausible lies about us all. I felt I had really let down my famkly by allowing her into our life.

I believe she had a problem. In the 5 years I knew her, she must have fallen out with over a dozen different friends and colleagues.

The experience has left a lasting impression on me. It wouldn't have mattered half so much if this woman hadn't been so close a friend. Now I don't trust my own judgement. Years on I still find it difficult to open up to my old friends or make new ones.

LouBeetlou, I would think hard about your friendship. Does this woman really add anything to your life? If it were me, I would have nothing more to do with her. I think you face a real risk that her lies could be lies about you one day.

rooster · 11/08/2004 09:17

I have a friend like this, she lives in cloud cookoo land. Shes done more, she earns more, shes a better parent, shes wonderful, thankfully we now live at other ends of the country, so only speak by phone, but during the conversations we have, she is always going on about her life and what shes doing, she will ask me how my kids are and then start talking to her kids in the background so we loose track of our conversation, so she can start a new one talking about herself.

I am really ashamed to say this, but 6 months ago, she phoned to say she has cancer, she says she is having/had so many operations, loads of chemo and every time I speak to her she says its in a different place - I'm not sure I believe her, my FIL has just been given the 'all clear' from stomach cancer so I know what he had to endure and the symptoms of treatment etc... (she never talks about how she is feeling unwell/sick/hairloss etc etc.. ) each time we speak, I am concerned and offer support, but because of all her lies in the past I am doubting her, which would be a terrible thing for me to do, if she really is suffering. Its a nasty thing to make up, but I truly believe she is capable of it.

rooster · 11/08/2004 10:09

I hope I haven't killed this thread, or you are disgusted at what I have just written, I do feel ashmed about doubting my friend when its something so serious, I hope I haven't offended anyone, sorry if I have

MummyToSteven · 11/08/2004 10:12

no rooster, personally not all offended by what you put. is there anyway you could speak to her husband to try to subtly suss out what's going on?

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