Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't stop crying.

65 replies

NinkyNonk1 · 17/05/2018 11:25

Please can anyone offer some guidance on this situation.

I have posted about him before.

Started seeing a guy and now we are at around 2 months in. He lives 30 miles from me and he has mostly been travelling to me as he works closer to me than his. Problem we've now got is his company are moving in the next few weeks to 60 miles from me but it will be closer to where he lives.

He is saying he doesn't want to commit to a relationship if we only end up seeing each other once a week. I have a young DD so it's harder for me to go to him in the evenings. I'm just trying to think of some options of how we could make things work.

This is really getting me down as I've fallen for him in a big way.

Or is he just using this as an excuse?

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 17/05/2018 12:08

Sorry, that was flippant but I think if getting this involved so quickly is the norm for you, then you really do need to explore why that is because it isn’t healthy for you or your child.

TwitterQueen1 · 17/05/2018 12:10

Get a grip OP. Two months is nothing. You have a child to consider and to prioritise. You cannot know anyone after just 2 months and the fact that you've already introduced him to your family and DD and "can't stop crying" smacks of desperation to be in a relationship rather than anything else.

SuperSara · 17/05/2018 12:10

Wow! This is bonkers, OP.

You’ve known someone 8 weeks and you can’t stop crying over him?

He’s had a lucky escape.

Original poster
NinkyNonk1 · 17/05/2018 12:17

Yes I know I've got issues. I think I'll just have to end things before things carry on any further. I did already say I wish I didn't feel this way. I've clearly no understanding how a relationship should work

OP posts:
memaymamo · 17/05/2018 12:17

Well I'll go against the grain and say it's not weird to be crying over someone and wanting to move in at 8 weeks. You're still in the first flush of lust, it's making you a bit illogical.

I don't think it's fair on you to plan around him now when he's clearly told you he's not as into it as you. You're just setting yourself up for more pain.

Doidontimmm · 17/05/2018 12:22

My boyfriend & I are 200 miles apart, we make it work, not any question about it. If he really was invested in you he could/would make it happen. Sorry, think he is letting you down gently.

FairyFace · 17/05/2018 12:22

When myself and DH met we lived 2 hours from one another, we met on a weekend away. He had just gotten out of a serious relationship but we really clicked, but the thing is we both had no kids. Each weekend we would take turns in making the trip to see one another , and granted some weekends couldn't happen for one reason or another but the thing is we both were mad about each other and wanted it to happen so in the end, I after only 4 months of seeing one another decided I wanted to be with him full time , left my job as he had a company and more prospects where he lived than I had, moved in with him and never looked back. But your guy has to want to make it happen and although he is being practical he doesn't really sound like he wants to make the effort. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. But you have your little child to take into account to, and if you were to do what I did and spent weekends with him without your dc then they would miss out and if you did have dc with you it might all be a bit much. x

booboo24 · 17/05/2018 12:32

Hi, I agree with all the other ladies I'm afraid, 60 miles isn't that far if you both drive, but 8 weeks in is nothing, and far too soon for you to be this cut up about the whole thing. Talking of uprooting yourself for him this early on is also severely jumping the gun, and would have far more impact on your little one than the odd night she may have to be baby sat. For what it's worth I think he's done the sensible thing before things got too serious. In my opinion he is using this as an out, as if he was more invested he'd be looking at options.

For comparison, I have been in a 3 year relationship with someone (now engaged and currently looking for a home midway between) who lives 85 miles away. He travels up one night a week and leaves very early the next morning to get back for work. We both have school aged children from our previous marriages, mine are with me all the time, bar every other weekend, he co parents 50/50. We then see each other every weekend with or without the children. We both also work full time.

If you both wanted to make it work you could. I would cut your losses here as he doesn't seem to want to put the effort in

VitriolicMuse · 17/05/2018 12:34

In your shoes, I’d focus on my child. You need to find a relationship that fits around you and your life.

SandAndSea · 17/05/2018 12:36

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. Flowers

When I got together with my partner, he lived about 4 hours away but we both knew that we wanted the same things. We did weekends together for a short while and ended up moving in together very quickly (and are still together many years later). The fact is, if a man wants to be with you, he will be.

I would judge him by his actions. He's taken a job away from you (which he knew about when he met you) and has told you that he doesn't want to commit to someone he can only see once a week. I would take a step back. Ask yourself, what's HE doing to ensure he sees you more often?

SendYouUpinFlames · 17/05/2018 12:40

You've met him 24 times.
Get your head from out of your arse.

He is not the one. He obviously doesn't love you, he's moving 60 miles away. And hasn't asked you to come.
Don't introduce a stranger to your child. Or your family. He is still a stranger to you. Although it might not feel like it. He is.

Run. Fast.
Don't look back.

Lightsong · 17/05/2018 12:45

Run Fast
Don't look back

It sounds like that's what the man in this is doing

Olicity17 · 17/05/2018 12:48

You really need sometime on your own.

You say he knows you would move to him. If so, then the office moving is an excuse. If he was interested he woild discussing plans for you to EVENTUALLY move.

But then you say you havent told him you would move.

He shouldnt be involved with your dd yet. Its been 8 weeks. Your feelings are far to intense and would make a lot of people back off.

Take some time to yourself to figure out why you are forcing it.

mamia60 · 17/05/2018 12:51

You can't make it work because he isn't into it as much as you are OP.

He's casually seeing you and has told you from day dot that he doesn't want a relationship, whilst you are contemplating uprooting yourself and your child.

He'd speed off like the Roadrunner if he got wind of this thread or the one where you were asking if "love at first sight" is a real thing.

dirtybadger · 17/05/2018 12:52

I've been with my DP for 3.5 years. He lived 70 miles away for the first 2-3 years, didn't drive for the first year, and I work evenings/weekends, so we saw one another every 4-6 weeks. He still made an effort to come and visit me sometimes, too. Once he could drive, it was more like once every 2-3 weeks. 70 miles, he couldn't drive, he still managed! We see each other once a week now, as he only lives 25 miles away.
I knew him for about 10 years before we started dating, and didn't meet his family for around a year or so. Only met some extended family this year. If I had a DC, tbh I woud have kept them away for 6-12 months minimum too.

Agree you are in way too deep, way too soon. It also sounds like he is using this as a convenient excuse. He knew he was going to move away when he met you, and he knew then that he wouldn't want to continue the relationship after. But he carried on for 2 months anyway and let you introduce your DD to him!? Nah, doesn't sound a catch to me.

Its a bit of a red flag that he isn't willing to have a relationship where he sees someone once a week. That is perfectly normal. Even without DC. Most people have busy lives, and anyone with a hobby or two will soon have most week days booked up. The expectations from both of you are too high and likely to produce very "intense" relationships.

dirtybadger · 17/05/2018 12:54

In summary; yes I think it's probable he is using this as an excuse. Because it isn't really a legitimate reason.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 17/05/2018 13:00

2 months in and you're considering moving to be closer to some bloke and uprooting your child in the process?
With all due respect op get a grip.
Trust me when I say this if a man wanted to commit he would, distance or not.
I was in a long distance relationship for 4 years, fully committed even in different countries! We made every effort to see eachother.
This man is telling you he's not prepared to do that.
You need to move on.

SendYouUpinFlames · 17/05/2018 13:05

@lightsong it's a shame OP can't see this.

Original poster
NinkyNonk1 · 17/05/2018 13:05

From my point of view i would have no issue with once a week! I know people have busy lives, me included.

It's him that's saying it. Before all this it was he was scared to commit because he'd been hurt before. If he just told me what he actually thought then I wouldn't have got so invested. Besides saying this he's always talking about the future so I feel now that he's been giving conflicting signals.

The best thing I think I can do is ask him for a chat so we can discuss properly where it's going.

Thank you to the people who have been supportive on here Thanks

OP posts:
Havana7 · 17/05/2018 13:06

If he does want to make it work as much as you do then why not spend the weekends together and one night in the week if you can get a babysitter?

SendYouUpinFlames · 17/05/2018 13:10

@ninkynonk

Why bother? It's not going anywhere.
He's made that clear.

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/05/2018 13:10

Being scared to commit because he's been hurt before only happens in romance novels. If you are the right person he will commit in a heartbeat.

This 'my company is moving'...have you heard this from anyone else, or is it just him? It's occurring to me that maybe he gave himself a built in 'out' for the relationship in case he wasn't really feeling it? He told you right at the beginning, so if your relationship did work out, mysteriously the 'work move' wouldn't have happened?

Just a thought.

diamondsandrose · 17/05/2018 13:14

Oh god

How old are you OP? You sound really young.
I'm sorry to say but he's just Not That Into You.
Forget the long term stuff he discussed. He's changed his mind since then. Men can be dicks yes but you have a 2 year old and you need to start being a bit more sensible in future with men.
Forget talking to him about it, you'll just upset yourself...and take the hint he's given you.

Sorry I know we don't know you or him , but as outsiders sometimes others can see it so much clearly than you can Thanks

Cricrichan · 17/05/2018 13:19

Him moelvibg away and you possibly following him requires a big commitment. Maybe he feels that it's too soon and his feelings aren't that strong to justify that level of commitment? Or maybe he's realised that he's not as into you as he thought.

Either way, though you're hurting, you'll soon get over it and it will be raised meeting someone who's closer so you don't have to make any big decisions for a while.

dirtybadger · 17/05/2018 13:21

I wouldn't bother having a chat with him. He's told you he doesn't want to carry on seeing you. If he changes his mind, I'm sure he will let you know. Please don't try and "persuade" him. You will just be delaying the inevitable.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.