Effects on children from a relationship breakdown

[Fatbirdy]

I'll start by saying that this is a subject that I have tunnel vision on. My mother left my father, me and my sister for another man on Christmas Eve when I was 11.

It was incredibly painful opening my presents on Christmas Day while my poor Dad sobbed his heart out.

I still don't have much of a relationship with her. We see each other probably 3 times a year for less than an hour. I just cannot find it in me to forgive her (she was a serial cheat).

Fast forward 26 years and my partner is leaving. I am devastated for myself but also our 2 girls. At 3 and 6 will this damage them?

I will say my sister was 8 at the time and although she still struggles with what our Mum did, she does have a close relationship with her.

Will my DD's age mean they too will be ok?

I have no first hand experience but splitting up doesnt have to be like your parents split, it can be amicable. I have lots of friends with divorced parents (who split when they were all different ages) and they have a great relationship with both parents, i think it depends on both parents attitude going forward. Children crave stability, give them that and i think they will be just fine regardless of who lives where etc.

It depends very much on how the parents handle it. When we split up we told the kids together. My ex still sees the kids most days and they stay with him 3 nights a week. We remain on very good terms (we split because he turned out to be gay) and he’s been absolutely fair with money, so we haven’t had to cross swords about very much. He has always been a really good father and we have similar views on bringing up our kids, so there’s little tension there. It wasn’t easy in the beginning as it was hard for me to come to terms with the situation, but 3 years on and it’s going well. The kids are happy and well adjusted, and life goes on. It sounds like you had a rubbish mum who thought of her own needs before her kids. Breaking up is never easy, but as far as possible, put the kids at the centre of your decisions - it may be difficult, but it’s better for them in the long run.

It depends on how amicable you are and what sort of relationship they maintain with him.

The younger the child, the less they would remember.

Thanks all. I think my own sadness is clouding my thoughts.

Me and my DS's Father are on excellent terms and my DS is certainly not suffering in any way. I just worry that my eldest DD is extremely sensitive. Not at all looking forward to telling the kids. My heart is breaking

Hi fatbirdy

I’m really sorry you are in this situation . My husband left just after Christmas and I too was so worried about my D.C. who are exactly the same ages as yours. Although telling them was the hardest thing I have done, I would say that I think this period before you tell them is probably the worst bit.

My ex has proved a bit difficult post split which has made things trickier but overall the children have coped better than expected. My eldest is also very sensitive ( a boy) and, being honest, he has found it hardest and is struggling a bit. I spoke to the school in advance so they are aware and they are putting some extra help in place. I am also looking at getting him some play therapy - so if it does affect your eldest badly there is support you could look for.

The one thing I did want to say though is that I grew up in a household where my parents didn’t love each other. I’m sure they did their best and thought they were protecting us but as a child I was very aware of the tension, the heaviness in the house and lack of laughter and warmth between my parents. Who knows if it would have been worse if they had divorced - but I guess I just wanted to say that staying together in a relationship that isn’t good also has an impact on the kids, which is easy to forget when you are in the trauma of separation.

Anyway hugs to you - you sound a very thoughtful, caring Mum and that is what really matters. You and your children will be ok

Thanks @ilovecrumpets you've set me off again! Wish the bloody tears would stop but I only have when they are at nursery/school to let it all out.

Back to job hunting! Been out of the game for 12 years and my CV is emptier than my bank account

I was the one who left but it was an abusive relationship. Both were under 6yo

Oldest child blames me, loves father he can do no wrong (even when he blatantly is doing something wrong). I have a fractious but loving relationship with eldest, now a teen. Very boundary pushing and ex doesn’t do any discipline and she’s the ‘golden child’ to him

Youngest child dislikes own father, wants to only be with me and they have a crap relationship. He just doesn’t bother because it’s hard.

They way I tend to see things is that the child will choose how they feel and you have to try to manage it the best you can. I also see it that it’s so so much easier to manage anything when you are no longer living in an unhappy household. I grew up in a horrible atmosphere and I never wanted that for them either. The atmosphere in our house is actually very nice most of the time. With him it was not

I think your mother did it unusually badly, OP. It doesn't have to be that traumatic.

I think it's sad for dcs, and it's healthy to let them mourn the loss of their old life. But particularly if the parents can be on reasonable terms and they still have contact with the other parent, it doesn't have to be that bad. It helped my dd to see positive examples of separated families eg. the tv series Millie In-Between and Jacqueline Wilson's book The Suitcase Kid. Your 6-year old might be a bit young now, but in a year or two they might help.

It's been hard for my dd, but mainly because her father isn't really willing or able to be a great father. You have to concentrate on fixing the bits you can, and let go of what you can't.

Thanks Whyisit, nice to hear the leavers side. Our home will be somewhat better without him as he's not the nicest person at times and the last year has been especially difficult.

Gotta force myself to look at the positives only. Stop dwelling on the shittiness of it all.

@bibliomania One of my concerns is how he will be with them alone. Hard to word this without making him sound terrible. When he is alone with the kids, he's either superdad or the xbox is on and he's ignoring them or shouting because they are interrupting his game.

The thought of them having to continually suffer the latter in his care is concerning. I can see this will be an issue that arises on a regular basis unless he really throws himself into them when he has them.

I was 11 too, and it was fine! I think it shaped me into a better person, in some ways, actually. It's mostly about how the parents handle it - mine were decent, your mother was not.

That’s what’s happened with us, once he had to do it alone he wasn’t very good at it. This did not seem to Matter to eldest because she idolises him but that is what has affected the relationship with youngest so much, the lack of effort.
He sees them regularly pays a small maintenance and there is no drama - I learnt a long time ago you can’t make someone be the parent you would like them to be, so don’t waste energy trying. You can protect your children though, and teach them it’s ok to speak up for themselves, express themselves and be honest. I think it’s better for me to have my gobby kids who tell it like it is rather than kids too afraid of upsetting someone to be honest, is as parents it is not their job to pretend anything or hide their feelings to save our hurt, so encourage honesty and expression of their feelings but don’t involve them in how you feel about ex, not in a dishonest way but a simple way. I say clearly to mine that we do not agree on how to parent but everyone has different ideas. I tell them ex and I are just different people and have different ideas and beliefs and they don’t match - which is life and happens, not everyone always agrees but it’s better to go your own way and get on with your life than argue and try to make the other person do what you want (and vice versa)

Fatbirdy, I know what you mean. When exH collects DD, he has his headphones on and doesn't actually talk to her as they walk off together. He hasn't seen her for 13 days at that point - I cannot understand how he's not longing to interact with her. He's done loads and loads of worse things (lots of social worker/court involvement over the year - his contact has been cut back a lot and he's in a giant case of the sulks over it), but somehow that bemuses me, because he says he wants to see her but doesn't show it.

Anyway, if he's not a great dad, I think it's better for this to happen, so he's not their role-model for how families are supposed to work.

"this to happen" meaning your split. Sorry, not very clear!

Op: my ex has stepped up since we split as a father. The kids like being with him and hes easier to live according to the boys. Your mum hasn't left you with understandable fears but if it's well managed it can work. Staying in our relationship would have affected the boys much more. They'd have learnt disrespect and womens needs should come last if id have stayed.

Good luck

I hadn't even considered how his actions would affect the girls in terms of what is acceptable - in a relationship or otherwise.

He has called me some awful things in front of them but he will also shout at the tv when it comes to something he disagrees with. Always seems to be women too.

Take that woman the other morning on GMB, talking about consent for nappy changes. I personally rolled my eyes and thought it was a bit daft. He starts shouting at the tv "oh fuck off you stupid cunt".

I hate it when he does things like that.

Suppose i'll have to try to talk to him about that. Difficult when he doesn't do talking

As a PP said, it's not worth trying to change him, so I wouldn't bother speaking to him about that. I mean, what would you say? Please improve your attitude towards women in general, for the sake of our DDs? Yes, that's what you'd like to happen, but you know it's not going to.

The great thing about kids having two homes is that one way of doing things is not normalised. If you stayed together, there'd be a united front: Daddy shouts at women on the telly and Mummy seems to accept it. Once you're split, they notice the different ways of doing things more, I think. The atmosphere's a bit funny in Daddy's house sometimes, but we know we'll soon be feeling secure back at Mummy's.

Thanks for that view Charlotte. I'm so glad I posted, other views are so important when I'm wrapped up in my own thoughts. My brain tends to pick a path and go for a run.

Absolutely nothing good would have come from my proposed talk. Nothing good comes from any talk with him. Time to wake up eh!

Yes totally agree. I have many gay friends now but in the past when I was with ex that would have just been totally unacceptable and subject to many homophobic comments. I absolutely hate that part of him and hate that he would ever say anything to my kids that is racist or homophobic but both my DC are outraged at his derogatory attitudes and comments so I feel content that I have not raised kids who agree with him. He’s entitled to his opinions but I have been able to influence my DC to be balanced and tolerant by myself, so his homophobia and racism offend the DC but they don’t influence them.
Does this make sense?

It is much harder to influence your kids when you are battling against someone like your ex who is sexist whereas from afar you have a far greater opportunity to teach them right and wrong and these men end up looking idiotic to their own kids

Makes sense @Whyisit plus how well is sexism really going to go down with 2 girls.

My role has to just be support if they want to chat about anything he may say. Could well not be for years anyway.

Already feeling brighter than I did when I first posted. Cheers all

He might surprise you
There is always hope for change and growth in everyone... I can only tell my DC if they ask that he does love you but maybe has different ways of showing it to mum

My youngest has begun to ask some really tough questions about why he treats her like crap and my eldest was watching a TV show recently that triggered her to ask me some other awkward questions but I think that’s a long way off for you. Just focus on loving them and yourself in the best way you can

I'll be glad when the royal wedding is over and done with. Eldest DD keeps asking questions like "when are you and Daddy getting married" and it's bloody hard not to break.

He doesn't want to tell the kids until after her birthday, which is the end of the month. Yay, fun times ahead

I agree with others about not trying to change him and just having to accept how he is with the kids ( unless it’s dangerous!). It’s hard but ultimately when he has them there really isn’t much you can do about how he parents - and you never know there may be things he does which you don’t which are positive. Also - and I learnt this the hard way! - don’t have expectations he will change. Chances are if he behaved a certain way when together he will continue to be like that.

One other thing I have found is that the separation has forced me to let go of trying to protect my children from everything. I had to accept I couldn’t do much about the separation, all I could do is try to be there for them in the best way I can. I can’t protect them from his actions or stop them feeling the hurt. In a weird way it was strangely liberating.

I hope the time passes quickly until the end of the month - I can remember so clearly that waiting period ( mine was over Christmas). It was horrible, the dread of what was to come, feeling like I was deceiving my children in some way, having to pretend. At least once you have told them you can start to deal with it. I hope you have lots of support to draw on. Take care of yourself as well.

Ah, I'm not very good with people so support is limited. I have my Dad and one friend (god that sounds so sad).

Very much hoping I can get a job, literally anything will do right now, and keep myself busy.

The kids are awesome at least, I have that to be grateful for

Hey, don't talk yourself down. My social life shrank dramatically when I left my marriage. I had, similar to you, my parents (who lived 4 hours away) and one friend - a new friend at that. Still, I felt less alone and invisible than I had in my marriage. That one friend, I saw about once a fortnight for four or five years before making another friend through her. That was actually enough for me. I relished the time by myself that I'd never had while married.