Not heard from BF for nearly two weeks :(

[tinkerbellone]

Feeling sad and fed up.
We’ve been together 18 months. Lots in common. We spend a lot of time together. Talk and see each other every day. He’s always been impulsive and a bit up and down.
He wants to get married next year. I said no because he has a lot of debt and really struggles to manage his money; he’s so up and down- I feel like our relationship is unbalanced with me supporting him all the time. I wanted to give him time to change and learn to manage his stress and life in general. (He’s having regular counselling as well). When I said no, He’s cut me off and has not been in touch for two weeks.
He does this when he is upset. But after a few days I usually text and try to get him to talk & we sort things out.
I am feeling really hurt that he could cut me off for two weeks... I’ve sent him a text on Sunday but no reply.
No sure what to do. I feel relieved that I’m not having him needing me all the time to sort things but so sad that someone who said they really loved me and wanted to marry me has cut me out their life without a word.
Sorry this is so long. I’m trying to make sense of it. Thank you for reading x

He sounds like someone you should think very seriously about before marrying. You you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who takes his bad moods out on you all the time? Someone who makes you feel like your relationship is unbalanced with you offering all your support and him giving nothing back?

You're relieved that he's ghosting you - run.

Sounds like you're having a lucky escape, delivered in an uncaring way by this guy.

Don't do it!!!! You'd be marrying a whole world of pain

Yes I am relieved he’s not been around. Just sad that another one bites the dust.
Words are meaningless without the actions to match them.

After my divorce (DV etc) I did the freedom course. I feel like I’ve slipped into a well worn groove of trying to please again.

Disappointed i guess. Glad I did have the balls to say no though :)

He sounds like a needy, immature and manipulative arsehole who treats you like crap to me. Stop chasing after him for a response - that's what he wants - and thank your lucky stars that you're rid of him.

Then set the bar MUCH higher for your next partner.

Well done OP. You should take comfort from that.

Oh darling - This sounds really, bloody hard!

I'm sorry you're going through all this. I think the thing to remember here is that you deserve to be happy, and in a relatively new relationship - talking about something as wonderful as marriage etc - you should be feeling relaxed and both giddily planning for the future.

None of his behaviour is your fault, therefore it is not something you can solve. I dare say not all of his behaviour is his fault either and clearly needs to sort himself out with a counsellor or a gp before being present in any kind of relationship.

I always say to myself, would a good mate of mine treat me this way? If the answer is no then I'd back all the way off and give myself some tlc. You're clearly a good person who cares a great deal about this man - but what mine happen if you have a bills to pay or a baby on the scene and he disappears then? It's not worth thinking about.

I think you know what to do and I just wish you all the best for the future. X

You don’t mention any concern for his safety so I’m presuming you’ve verified he isn’t dead, which leads me to he’s ghosting you. Horrible cowardly behaviour after 18 months together and I’m so sorry as you deserve much better.

You need to end this relationship immediately and don't look back. I was with someone like this. The disappearing and being silent is how he is. He will not change, and it will get worse. You're in for a lifetime of being hurt by this person if you stay.

Thank you for your replies. You’re all so right.
What’s ghosting? xx

He’s not dead or anything, he’s in touch with mutual friends. x

i dont know whether hes manipulative or has mh problems or what but carrrying on this relationship cant be good for anyone

Ghosting = cutting off all contact with someone you’re romantically involved with as a way of ending the relationship; ignoring any messages/calls and not offering any sort of explanation as to why. Always brutal, it’s more common after you meet online and have a couple of dates. After 18 months and discussing marriage it’s even worse. Hence you deserve SO much better than this cowardly loser.

feel relieved that I’m not having him needing me all the time to sort things

Hold onto this feeling

but so sad that someone who said they really loved me and wanted to marry me has cut me out their life without a word.

That is because he is very immature.

It hurts but you need to move on....tell him the above and end it.

Move on. You do not want to marry him... no way.

He wanted to marry you so you would support him and his plan has failed. He'll be on to the next mug already.
Put it down to experience like I did.
And don't be surprised if he comes crawling back after a while hoping you feel desperate.
Block and delete. Change the locks etc.

I agree with the consensus. He’s found someone else to use. He doesn’t sound like a nice person at all. You do sound relieved so eventually you will count your blessings and realise you have a lucky escape. Idiots like this don’t deserve the caring and loving people they manage to surround themselves with. Congratulations for being strong and not emptying your bank account for him.

You' ve successfully dodged a bullet! Cant marry someone who ditches you like that, what if you had DC to care for too? Not husband material.

He sounds manipulative. Trying to marry you after only 18 months & sulking for two weeks after you said no, would be two massive red flags for a lot of people.
Sounds like you made the right call

It sounds as though he can't have really loved you (in the way you would mean it) because he was too involved with loving himself. Loving you because you can sort his problems out for him, marrying you so it will become your full-time duty. Admiring you for your capability is a positive thing but battening on it is not. One day, in the normal course of things, you may need help yourself (maternity, bouts of illness, redundancy etc); this is when you want a partner who can take over the reins, not one who will sulk because the appliance is not working the way it said on the box. And after years of supporting a chaotic, debt-ridden stress-head you're more likely to break down out of sheer exhaustion!

Sounds very immature and manipulative. Lifes too short for such a relationship

He’s punishing you by going silent. He’s a giant man baby. Run away as fast as you can. You can and deserve better than this

I wanted to give him time to change
Why?
You can't change someone.
It just doesn't work like that.
You seem to want to fix and rescue people.
Stop it.
Fix and rescue yourself.
Re-do the Freedom Programme and reset those boundaries.
You know you've slipped back so address it.
Stop taking on hopeless cases.
It's not good for you or your MH.
Ignore him. Block and delete and move on.
This one is not for you.
Look into co-dependency as well.

Proof that it’s not just his financial immaturity that means you’re right not to marry, but also that he isn’t capable of handling the emotions he’ll feel in life to make him s good marriage prospect.

Thank you - What’s co-dependency?
I’ve avoided controlling men since my divorce - I recognise that pattern... I didn’t think I wanted I fix him... maybe I do now I think about it xx