Do I still love him? Help!

[Sweettoothtay]

Hello! I’m fairly new to mumsnet I just posted a thread for the first time this week and I really enjoyed reading the feedback. I hope I don’t sound like all I do is moan in this but I have a couple of things to get off my chest.

My partner and I met when I was 20, he was 30 we have been with each other for 4 years now and we have shared amazing memories. When I met my partner he explained that he has a daughter who had just turnt 11, that lives with him full time and has since the age of 4. It took about 6 months of dating each other before I met her. The situation with him was amazing as we never had any distractions. If we planned a date night on a weekend it was never disturbed, what I mean by that is he had support from a baby sitter and his father. So it wasn’t like he had to cancel on me last minute, ever.
We were so in love and with his career he was extremely flexible so we had so much time together.
When I fell pregnant with our son we were both over the moon and he was a perfect little addition to our lives. Anyway, my partner changed career when my son was just 2 months old and he was no longer as flexible anymore. He would have to work away mon-frid and we only saw each other on weekends. This meant I was left with my step daughter and our newborn son. I felt rather lonely at times although I had help from my mother on her two days off a week, which helped me immensely.
Here’s the issue, my step daughter would see her mother once in a blue moon and always came home from her visits with bad habits! I don’t want to get into it too much but there was extremely bad hygiene issues when it came to the bathroom. She wouldn’t flush the chain no matter what she had done down there! The bins were left, again in a very unhygienic state and her room was always a mess, she never washed her hands after using the toilet etc this would obviously bother me when she would then handle my newborn son. She would also lie to me all the time, one day I could smell something funny in the house so I questioned her and she lied straight to my face, claiming she didn’t have a clue what it was. Turnt out she was smoking in her en-suite bathroom!!!
Here’s the other thing, she is extremely spoilt and always has been from her daddy, he would buy her designer clothes, jewellery, she has always had sky with all the channels in her room, Netflix, brand new iPhones with unlimited data and calls it’s insane. The girl is now 14 and I wouldn’t say she is a brat at all but whatever she wants she gets from her dad.
Whilst my partner was away on work I would call him with the things that were bothering ie the bad hygiene, I even now to this day don’t feel bad about this because I had a young baby in the house so didn’t want the place running to shit from a lazy teenager. Anyway my partner would get so annoyed and tell me to deal with it and stop calling him to complain about “trivial things” . He supposedly wants me to discipline her instead of “whining to him about it all the time” I find this extremely awkward and it’s like I’m picking up the pieces from something he failed to teach her. Now I’m not a clean freak but I like my house being clean, I feel ridiculous having to run up and check all of the bathrooms before I have visitors, just in case there’s an unsavoury surprise awaiting.
I used to pull her up on it all the time but it took months for her to actually pay attention and pull her weight. I’m also so sick of the white lies, she thinks I’m stupid, clearly. I think she must forget that it wasn’t too long ago that I was a teenager myself!

I feel extremely awkward disciplining a teenager who I’ve only known for 3 1/2 years. I’m sick of the extreme spoiling and he lies to me about it, his daughter needed new glasses and it was only 6 months ago her Mochino glasses got stolen from school because they’re expensive. Anyway I told him when you take her shopping for glasses get the cheaper brand not a high end pair! He turnt his nose up and felt offended that I’d got involved, he ended up buying her not just one pair but two, one was Balmain the other was Monchino. I give it a couple of months before she looses them again. She lost a pair of bloody Gucci earrings down the sink and he didn’t even mind! This isn’t the first expensive gift hat she has damaged or “lost” It really infuriates me.

He is just the same with his mother he spoils her so much and I must say he is a massive mummies boy. His mum wanted a tv for Christmas so he spend £900 on one!!! I don’t even know why she accepted it, but she was certainly rubbing her hands.
Don’t get me wrong he spoils me but I don’t care about these materialistic things like that. I look after my things and make sure they don’t get damaged as they mean a lot to me because they’re from him and I know how much he has spent on them. His daughter on the other hand has no clue about money and has that mentality of “well daddy will buy me a new one”. Even when we go out for dinner she orders mocktails without even asking permission and it doesn’t phase him at all.

Sorry to drone on and sound like a real misery but I find this extremely frustrating. His daughter was attending two after school sport clubs that she just randomly quit and made excuses that the clubs were cancelled, she just didn’t want to get involved, her life is coming home to FaceTime her friends that she has spent all day with at school. I hate the lazy attitude.

My partner has recently told me on numerous occasions that his mother comes before me he basically more or less expressed that his list of importance was 1, his daughter and our son 2, his mum 3, his sister then I came bloody last of all!!! Plus not to mention I’m 6 months pregnant with our second child. I bring up all the time that he puts me last of all and he looks at me and says “look I’ve known you for 4 years, obviously my mum is going to come before you” sorry but I find that quite outrageous, after all I’m the mother of his son and of his now unborn child. Isn’t he meant to be In love with me?! I’m sick of feeling like I’m an outsider.

His mother loves this and she knows that she comes before me, she expects him to be at her door at a click of a finger. He sends her money all of the time and helps his sister financially too, I don’t care about that really it’s more the emotional side. His mum always thinks my opinions are not important and disregards them, every conversation we have she has to be negative and tell me I’m wrong. Every bloody breath I take is questioned. She hardly ever asks for my son and never spends time with him but sees my step daughter every Friday without fail. She hasn’t seen our son in 2 whole months.
I genuinely feel like she doesn’t like me as much because I’m white and they’re black, I don’t know if that is the situation but when my partner told her he was with me her reply was “what’s wrong with a black church girl?” Bloody cheek of it! She always brings up discrimination and tells me “I’ll never understand injustice”. It’s like whatever I do will never be good enough, my parenting skills are questioned too. My son is not even two yet and we still co-sleep not that I should have to explain this but I breastfed him for 15 months and tbh it was easier having him in bed with me. He was also a very bad sleeper. She always questioned me about this and expressed infront of my family that “I’m mad for sleeping in the same bed as my baby” apparently my son thinks he is the boss and that she would never do things the way I do. This is just a few of many times she has made me feel like shit.

I’m sick of this and I just don’t know what to do. My partner thinks his mum is an angel and she is never wrong. He thinks I should click my fingers and turn into Mary poppins, I’m sorry but I met his daughter at a difficult age. She was just turning into a teenager but I’m expected to love her the way I love my son. I find this extremely uncomfortable and pressurising but I’m made out to feel like a bad person for not being affectionate towards her like I am my son.

I don’t know what to do, one minute I love my partner and love his company, the next I feel like I don’t even love him anymore. I’m so stuck and I’m just hoping I can get some sort of advice. Surely I can’t be just overreacting?

Thanks in advance

I dont think anyone here can tell you if you love him still.

I think his teenage daughter is doing normal teenage stuff that requires endless nagging but i kind of agree with her dad, why did you phone him? So he could phone her and tell her to go flush the toilet? That seems like something you should just deal with between you and her.

You also come across like his daughter is an inconvenience. Can you imagine feeling like an inconvenience at 14? It woukd be heartbreaking. Not saying you do think that but that is how it comes across and if its true then she will pick up on it to.

Do you work? If no then i dont see what he spends on his daughter is your problem personally. If yes and you share finances then it should be coming from both of you and not just him. You dont sound like you are struggling for money so what IS your issue with him buying his daughter gifts?

I would have no problem with my partner putting our children before me, i would have a problem with him putting his mother before me but i dont really know what the solution is to that because you cant change how he feels or demand he feels.

I think you now being mid 20s and having had a child you are now starting to really see where your future is going and what you really want. It is ok if that isnt him anymore.

Pickleypickles
Well like I said I did actually constantly pull her up on it. I called my partner to tell him what his child was getting up to let’s be honest with in a year I was left to care for her full time, I think I’m allowed to call him whenever I please about his child. I’ve never once made his daughter feel like an inconvenience and I haven’t made that seem that way on here, I don’t believe. If I left my partner with my child and he/she was embarrassing me like that I’d want to know. I would be mortified if someone told me that my child wasnt being sanitary, it’s like he had never toilet trained her and at the age of 14 you’d think you’d know how to flush the chain after taking a number 2!

I’m a sahm so no I don’t work, I’m not moaning about him buying her stuff im just letting off my chest that he throws his money away and teenagers are very smart she knows what to do to get her own way.
I do thik any woman would find that difficult to have a newborn along with another child in the house who isn’t being hygenic as it actually effects everyone.

1000% I want him to put the children before me that wasn’t a question although I think he does put his daughter before our son and let’s be honest none of your children should have to compete for their fathers love, my son doesn’t get anywhere near as much attention or emotion from him like he does with his daughter. The fact is that he puts his mother and sister before me, I don’t think many woman whilst pregnant especially would really think that’s ok? Especially to actually vocialise it.

Hiya sweetie - I am genuinely sorry youre going through this!

For what it's worth I would find it super hard dealing with a teenager at your age.. given that not that long ago I was one myself! I don't think i'd come across very authoritative :/

First off, you can love someone to the ends of the earth but BEING in love with someone can come and go. It takes an awful lot of effort on both parts and if proper attention isn't given it can fizzle out - not to mention be a very painful indication that something isnt right any more.

No one can tell you if you're still in love.. or if he is too? First and foremost, before being anyone's partner or step-parent or whatever, you are your little boys mum! If you're happy he will be and again if you're not happy then he will figure it out too. My kid would come before some stroppy, spoilt, dirty teenager I can tell you. You have every right to hold your hands up and admit defeat.

Only you know what's best for you and your son. Wish you all the best for the future darling. X

I feel really sorry for his daughter. You sound like you don't like her at all and she must be picking up on that. There is no warmth whatsoever in your tone when you talk about her, actually you sound as though you despise her. Saying she has a lazy attitude because she facetimes the friends she spent her school day with?
Sorry but I think you're going to get flamed on here.

TigerlilyMoon

That’s helped me a lot, thank you so much it feels nice to read this.

Exactly it wasn’t too long ago I was a teenager! And I really find it difficult disciplining a teenager who has not long really been around me! I feel like I’d be taken as a joke! Or it could potentially turn into bad tension.

I know full well what I would of been like if I had a step mum and she tried to tell me off, I probably would of made it more difficult for her. Girls can be extremely spiteful.
I didn’t know what to name this thread hence the “am I still in love” haha I just have no clue to be honest one minute I feel like I’m in it the next I want to run but feel stuck. I’m a sahm and I think I just worry the thought of doing this all by myself, financially too not only that I don’t want it to effect my children not living with their daddy. Although I don’t want it to get to the stage where I’m with him for one reason and have him thinking he is doing me a favour.

My son comes before anyone and he will definitely come before any other child. I’m currently staying at my parents house for abit of space. I’m enjoying it and it’s helping me figure out what I really want from this relationship.

Thank you for your kind words

Xx

OP. Whether you love him or not is, as others have already said, something only you can answer.

However, I can understand your frustrations with your partner. On one hand he wants you to raise his teenage daughter for him - discipline her etc, but then when you try to do it jointly with him (eg the buying less expensive glasses) he gets offended you've got involved. He can't have it both ways - either he treats you like an equal with regards parenting his daughter or he takes responsibility for it. I can imagine his daughter will have noticed that daddy over-rules you when he's home so I could see that being partly why she ignores you eg about flushing the loo.

Perhaps a chat about how to better jointly parent will get you somewhere?

RhubarbTea
No darling I don’t despise her and haven’t made it even seem that way. Surely your newborn is your main priority and hygiene should be a massive deal when handling a newborn. Would you like to go into your bathroom and see it looking filthy everyday or would that not bother you at all?
I do think it’s lazy when a child is on FaceTime from 4-11pm at night I think it’s outragous and it’s probably why so many kids aren’t getting enough exercise.
Your reply is extremely hostile.

No problem at all! Xx

I genuinely don't understand the other reactions you've had on here?

I too would move to my parents to be looked after for once and the teenage girl's parents can crack on with it! You are in a relationship with this man... not live in help or a whipping boy!

The fact she has such teeny tiny respect for her father's house or you and your son that she wont even flush the toilet (Wtaf??) would be a flag to me and the straw that broke the camels back.

Good for you for putting yourself and your son above all this nonsense!

All the best for the future, you're strong and i think you're going to be fine! Xx

Gizzymum

It does seem that way it’s like he wants me to be full career of his child when he isn’t here but when he is here I shouldn’t get involved in his choices. It’s like he never wants to discuss anything with me when it comes to his daughter because he already has it worked out. I definitely need to discuss this with him.
Thank you xx

I'm not being hostile, I'm just pointing out the lack of affection or care which exudes from your post. I actually think three and a half years is a reasonable time to feel a bond with a step child, I have a friend with a girlfriend who has a daughter and he adores her, and they've only been dating a little longer than you.
Do you have the willingness to put yourself in her shoes and understand how she might be feeling? You seem to have the attitude that because you yourself aren't very materialistic then any material gifts are silly or pointless, but it's how some people express their love.

I definitely think after three and a half years, one child together and another on the way you should be stepping up and parenting this girl, and no perhaps not texting him every time you have an issue with her. That just undermines your own authority and implies that he is the only one who can speak to/reason with her.

TigerlilyMoon

Thank you! I agree some of the replies are abit extreme it certainly doesn’t look like I despise her!
Like I said the toilet situation and smoking in the bedroom is a hell no from me that’s just outrageous and it’s all when “daddy” isn’t around, convenient that!
Thank you so much xxx

He’s got you in to parent his DD because he can’t be arsed. He’s told you where you stand in the pecking order, I don’t really know why you still there. There’s no point figuring out what you want from the relationship because you won’t get it anyway.

Just leave him to parent his SD alone.

RhubarbTea - i'm sorry but respect and affection works both ways. This isn't a baby or even a young child, she's a teenager. She's smoking and leaving st in the toilet. My patience would end there when I also had to look after a newborn. You can only ask someone to do something so many times before you go You know what, i'm done. Particularly when it's not your kid and you can't follow through with punishments i.e "I'm going to take this off of you or ban you from doing this if you don't start acting your age!". These are not big demands, bloody hell. X

The fact of the matter is like I said I have spoken with her a million times about this and it doesn’t get through to her until her dad speaks to her, hence why I get him involved.
I don’t think as a step parents your job is to come into their lives and completely take over as if you are the one that birthed them!
Her mother is still in the picture and what I’ve heard she is extremely vile, smokes drugs and lives in a dirty environment. My partner once questioned the mother about the state of her bathroom, her reply was “why should I clean a toilet, when it’s used for what it is” to me that is absolutely disgusting. She is obviously giving off those vibes to her daughter and now I’m left to deal with them when she or he isn’t around.

RhubarbTea
The fact of the matter is like I said I have spoken with her a million times about this and it doesn’t get through to her until her dad speaks to her, hence why I get him involved.
I don’t think as a step parents your job is to come into their lives and completely take over as if you are the one that birthed them!
Her mother is still in the picture and what I’ve heard she is extremely vile, smokes drugs and lives in a dirty environment. My partner once questioned the mother about the state of her bathroom, her reply was “why should I clean a toilet, when it’s used for what it is” to me that is absolutely disgusting. She is obviously giving off those vibes to her daughter and now I’m left to deal with them when she or he isn’t around.

Feel sorry for his DD. A mum and dad she barely sees, left with a woman who viewed her as a “distraction” from the start, and was so glad of how they got so much time without her, and now 2 new siblings in 4 years.

TigerlilyMoon
RhubarbTea

Exactly that! There’s not much you can do to discipline a child that literally has everything. I can’t take anything off her as that’s not really my place. Plus she obviously thinks she is entitled to it seem as she has her own en-suite. If she wants to end up like her mother than maybe thats something “daddy” can work out.
Xx

rageface
No you didn’t read it properly I actually said it was nearly every other weekend we saw each other for one date night. Twice in one month doesn’t sound like she doesn’t see her father what so ever. Yes I do feel sorry for her with the mother situation she brought her into the world to basically drop her off to have another child with someone else. No I never saw her as a distraction what so ever.
You’ve given no advice your just being negative. Thanks but no thanks

I can empathize with the kid up to a point - but she would have to meet me half way. I would expect at the very least she would crack on with household chores and take responsibility for her hygiene and clean up after herself where poss.. The daft thing is, if she wasn't such a little madam you could be a great ally for her Sweettoothtay, given you're a nice young woman in her life. But no, i'm sorry, i wouldnt want my kids around her picking up bad habits or living in a pig sty because she's lazy, dirty and bizarrely entitled! X

TigerlilyMoon
Most certainly, I say this to my partner all the time that her living this way and just being left to get on with it will only bring bad habits to my son. I’m not going to be flushing the chain after everyone in the household because they can’t be bothered to do it themselves. If I wanted to be a cleaner I would of taken that role!

Sweettoothtay

I think staying with your lovely parents for a while, enjoying your little lad and having people around you who respect you and let you relax once in a while will put a lot in perspective!

I'm sure everything will come to a head nice and soon when your partner realizes how dirty the house gets if you don't tidy up after Little Miss. And when he has to spend some one on one time with her and be more present i'm sure he will see exactly where you've been coming from!

You clearly care a lot about your relationship and your partner's daughter or else you wouldnt have put up with it for so long!! Ignore people and their negative comments, they're talking crap. X

I have one teen and one tween and they were absolutely wonderful and well raised. However, I am still in shock at how hormones completely transformed my children and I love them more than anything and I know that it's normal but it's still incredibly difficult and sometimes I can just about cope.

So if you're wanting to continue in this relationship you'll have to take a deep breath and ride the storm and at least you know what you've got coming with your own kids.

Your husband sounds like a generous man to the people he loves. If you're not struggling for money then that's ok. However, you should also have control of the finances so maybe sit down and come up with a household budget so you both get to decide how the money is spent and how much to save.

I also read your post as at least not liking your step daughter.

You can tell people how you feel, but you cant control how other people interpret what you have said. And, to me, thats how it sounds.

You are now 24, and looking after a small child, a 14 year old, and are pregnant. Thats tough. I wonder if your age makes it difficult for her to listen to you as a voice of authority. You are more like siblings with your age gap than daughter-parent.

Overall, she isnt the problem. Its gross, but sometimes teenagers are gross. In fact, I see plenty of grown adults who walk out the bathroom without washing their hands. And I am sure you have visited some public (ladies!) Toilets. Ugh!

Your DP is the issue. I disagree with someone above. I think you were thrown in the deep end. I would barely be up to meeting someones DC after 12-18 months (when you are really still getting to know DP), let alone becoming a full time step parent in their absence, when half the people your age were at uni, etc etc.

FWIW my mum and sister would always come before my DP. I dont know if thats odd or not, but they would.

And as an aside, I would read up a little bit about how vulnerable you are as a SAHM with no independent income and (soon to be) 2 kids without marriage, and suggest getting legal advice on how to protect yourseld should the worst happen...

I would feel very cornered as his baby carrier and house maid.

What dirtybadger said. You're extremely vulnerable as you're not married to this man but have given up your education and income earning potential for him and his family. If this all ends you could literally find yourself homeless with 2 children and no skills/ earning potential. I think you need to get your finances and protections in order asap whether or not you stay.