Do I still love him? Help!

[Sweettoothtay]

Hello! I’m fairly new to mumsnet I just posted a thread for the first time this week and I really enjoyed reading the feedback. I hope I don’t sound like all I do is moan in this but I have a couple of things to get off my chest.

My partner and I met when I was 20, he was 30 we have been with each other for 4 years now and we have shared amazing memories. When I met my partner he explained that he has a daughter who had just turnt 11, that lives with him full time and has since the age of 4. It took about 6 months of dating each other before I met her. The situation with him was amazing as we never had any distractions. If we planned a date night on a weekend it was never disturbed, what I mean by that is he had support from a baby sitter and his father. So it wasn’t like he had to cancel on me last minute, ever.
We were so in love and with his career he was extremely flexible so we had so much time together.
When I fell pregnant with our son we were both over the moon and he was a perfect little addition to our lives. Anyway, my partner changed career when my son was just 2 months old and he was no longer as flexible anymore. He would have to work away mon-frid and we only saw each other on weekends. This meant I was left with my step daughter and our newborn son. I felt rather lonely at times although I had help from my mother on her two days off a week, which helped me immensely.
Here’s the issue, my step daughter would see her mother once in a blue moon and always came home from her visits with bad habits! I don’t want to get into it too much but there was extremely bad hygiene issues when it came to the bathroom. She wouldn’t flush the chain no matter what she had done down there! The bins were left, again in a very unhygienic state and her room was always a mess, she never washed her hands after using the toilet etc this would obviously bother me when she would then handle my newborn son. She would also lie to me all the time, one day I could smell something funny in the house so I questioned her and she lied straight to my face, claiming she didn’t have a clue what it was. Turnt out she was smoking in her en-suite bathroom!!!
Here’s the other thing, she is extremely spoilt and always has been from her daddy, he would buy her designer clothes, jewellery, she has always had sky with all the channels in her room, Netflix, brand new iPhones with unlimited data and calls it’s insane. The girl is now 14 and I wouldn’t say she is a brat at all but whatever she wants she gets from her dad.
Whilst my partner was away on work I would call him with the things that were bothering ie the bad hygiene, I even now to this day don’t feel bad about this because I had a young baby in the house so didn’t want the place running to shit from a lazy teenager. Anyway my partner would get so annoyed and tell me to deal with it and stop calling him to complain about “trivial things” . He supposedly wants me to discipline her instead of “whining to him about it all the time” I find this extremely awkward and it’s like I’m picking up the pieces from something he failed to teach her. Now I’m not a clean freak but I like my house being clean, I feel ridiculous having to run up and check all of the bathrooms before I have visitors, just in case there’s an unsavoury surprise awaiting.
I used to pull her up on it all the time but it took months for her to actually pay attention and pull her weight. I’m also so sick of the white lies, she thinks I’m stupid, clearly. I think she must forget that it wasn’t too long ago that I was a teenager myself!

I feel extremely awkward disciplining a teenager who I’ve only known for 3 1/2 years. I’m sick of the extreme spoiling and he lies to me about it, his daughter needed new glasses and it was only 6 months ago her Mochino glasses got stolen from school because they’re expensive. Anyway I told him when you take her shopping for glasses get the cheaper brand not a high end pair! He turnt his nose up and felt offended that I’d got involved, he ended up buying her not just one pair but two, one was Balmain the other was Monchino. I give it a couple of months before she looses them again. She lost a pair of bloody Gucci earrings down the sink and he didn’t even mind! This isn’t the first expensive gift hat she has damaged or “lost” It really infuriates me.

He is just the same with his mother he spoils her so much and I must say he is a massive mummies boy. His mum wanted a tv for Christmas so he spend £900 on one!!! I don’t even know why she accepted it, but she was certainly rubbing her hands.
Don’t get me wrong he spoils me but I don’t care about these materialistic things like that. I look after my things and make sure they don’t get damaged as they mean a lot to me because they’re from him and I know how much he has spent on them. His daughter on the other hand has no clue about money and has that mentality of “well daddy will buy me a new one”. Even when we go out for dinner she orders mocktails without even asking permission and it doesn’t phase him at all.

Sorry to drone on and sound like a real misery but I find this extremely frustrating. His daughter was attending two after school sport clubs that she just randomly quit and made excuses that the clubs were cancelled, she just didn’t want to get involved, her life is coming home to FaceTime her friends that she has spent all day with at school. I hate the lazy attitude.

My partner has recently told me on numerous occasions that his mother comes before me he basically more or less expressed that his list of importance was 1, his daughter and our son 2, his mum 3, his sister then I came bloody last of all!!! Plus not to mention I’m 6 months pregnant with our second child. I bring up all the time that he puts me last of all and he looks at me and says “look I’ve known you for 4 years, obviously my mum is going to come before you” sorry but I find that quite outrageous, after all I’m the mother of his son and of his now unborn child. Isn’t he meant to be In love with me?! I’m sick of feeling like I’m an outsider.

His mother loves this and she knows that she comes before me, she expects him to be at her door at a click of a finger. He sends her money all of the time and helps his sister financially too, I don’t care about that really it’s more the emotional side. His mum always thinks my opinions are not important and disregards them, every conversation we have she has to be negative and tell me I’m wrong. Every bloody breath I take is questioned. She hardly ever asks for my son and never spends time with him but sees my step daughter every Friday without fail. She hasn’t seen our son in 2 whole months.
I genuinely feel like she doesn’t like me as much because I’m white and they’re black, I don’t know if that is the situation but when my partner told her he was with me her reply was “what’s wrong with a black church girl?” Bloody cheek of it! She always brings up discrimination and tells me “I’ll never understand injustice”. It’s like whatever I do will never be good enough, my parenting skills are questioned too. My son is not even two yet and we still co-sleep not that I should have to explain this but I breastfed him for 15 months and tbh it was easier having him in bed with me. He was also a very bad sleeper. She always questioned me about this and expressed infront of my family that “I’m mad for sleeping in the same bed as my baby” apparently my son thinks he is the boss and that she would never do things the way I do. This is just a few of many times she has made me feel like shit.

I’m sick of this and I just don’t know what to do. My partner thinks his mum is an angel and she is never wrong. He thinks I should click my fingers and turn into Mary poppins, I’m sorry but I met his daughter at a difficult age. She was just turning into a teenager but I’m expected to love her the way I love my son. I find this extremely uncomfortable and pressurising but I’m made out to feel like a bad person for not being affectionate towards her like I am my son.

I don’t know what to do, one minute I love my partner and love his company, the next I feel like I don’t even love him anymore. I’m so stuck and I’m just hoping I can get some sort of advice. Surely I can’t be just overreacting?

Thanks in advance

To be honest I find this problem difficult to give a definitive answer to. Mainly because of the contradictions. You say she comes back from her mums with these bad habits., but then say you dont want to have teach her things because he didnt and seem to think you are picking up his pieces.

You complain that you took on alot in a short space of time. But that was your choice. You have chosen to have 2 kids with this man. A man who already has a daughter who he has full time care of. You have chosen to give up work, which means tbe majority of day to day parenting will come down to you. Especially if he works away.

I have a 14 year old. When your son is 14 you will probably realise how much teens change and can appear as though they were taught nothing.

Your post comes across as though all this has just happened to you. But you are an active participant in this situation. Surely you knew before you got pregnant and became serious, that he bought his dd and mum alot. That he felt they were more of a priority?

Unless its leaving your family short, i dont see why it matters how much he spent on his mums christmas present. Or his daughters glasses.

Blending families is always difficult. To me it seems both you and your dp have taken up certain positions and refuse to communicate or compromise. I wouldnt have stayed with a man whos mother is openly rude to me, who he will always put in front of me etc. But you chose to. You now need to choose what YOU want. Wether thats leaving or staying....only you can make that decision for yourself and your children.

I am also very concerned about the vulnerable situation that you have put yourself in.

Well yes teenagers can be very difficult to parent, but surely you thought of that when you agreed to become stepmother to one?

You were happy when he worked flexibly and had reliable babysitters, but are less so now he works away and you are left to look after dc. Was this decision forced on you or did you agree to be sahm to both of them?

I also feel sad for his dd. Imagine living all week with someone who doesn't love you unconditionally like a parent does, someone who can't even pretend to, who isn't much older than you, who is fully focused on their biological newborn child, who -to her-must seem very judgmental and critical.

I think it's ridiculous that you phone him about trivial things such as her flushing the toilet, I just can't imagine not being able to deal with that sort of thing myself, and what he buys her is his business. Your detailed description of what he buys her, the language you use makes you sound jealous.

Having said all of that, you can't help how you feel or what you can cope with, or that your expectations and priorities have changed. I think he needs to find a new job even if that means earning less, because you are finding being a sahm to his dd so hard. It's not fair on her or you. Otherwise he will find himself single and looking after her himself full time whilst seeing his newborn every other weekend.

I actually* said it was nearly every other weekend we saw each other for one date night
*
Where did you say that? You said how you had so much time together? And didn’t have any “distractions”, where you then explained his babysitting arrangements? And he works away all week now? And you are left to parent her. Ergo, hardly sees her parents.

My advice is quite obvious. She has been through a shitload in a few years and probably needs real attention from her father. Which I’m sure you know. And she needs kindness. You’ve not said one nice word about her or the relationship you have with her. What have you done to bond with her? You talk purely about disciplining her.

Your DP has failed her terribly in his decision making. Tell him so.

The SD is not the main issue here - she’s a problem primarily because DP is a problem.

DP used his relationship with the OP to facilitate getting a job where he works away Mon-Fri. He’s basically dumped childcare of his DD onto 20something OP despite apparently not being married. If OP calls him for advice about DD he’s just annoyed that she’s bothering him. She even says: He supposedly wants me to discipline her instead of “whining to him about it all the time” I find this extremely awkward and it’s like I’m picking up the pieces from something he failed to teach

That’s never going to work, a resentful teen whose father has buggered off and left childcare to a woman not much older than herself - it’s not the OP’s fault.

I don't think it's a question of whether you still love your DP, but whether he loves you. And the answer to that is no, not enough. He's told you where you come in the pecking order. Last.

You were only 20 when you got together. You had no idea what you were getting into. And then he changed jobs, making a difficult situation ten times worse.

There are cultural differences. You're seen as an outsider and your dc second-best. No one appreciates what you do or backs you up when there's a problem.

You're only 24. Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? Cut your losses. You're being used and there's no future for you and your dc in this relationship. With your mother's help, you will cope on your own and be a million times happier than you are now. Good luck!

eek. I shuddered with the 'he's told you numerous times recently' how you're not near the top of his list (I accept children should be first, but once you've made the decision to have children with someone else, surely they should be next?!)....and the 'sorry I've only known you 4 years'.....that's long enough to get you to raise his daughter and have 2 more children with him. He sounds disrespectful towards you.

I can understand him getting fed up with you ringing him at work, but it doesn't sound much fun with him being away week nights (and did he discuss the change in work-life balance with you before he changed his jobs?!). I would talk to him at the weekend about the issues with his DD - for me, limiting screen time would be high at the top of the list and then getting her to 'earn' some of her pocket money with some help around the house - good life skills, surely?

But actually, the way you've written about him and your relationship with him - perhaps you need to do some serious talking. Could you go for counselling? That might help you work out if you're 'just' exhausted and overwhelmed or if you've fallen out of love with him.

squishy
I agree he should of never said that we have only known eachorher for four years. If time was an issue why did he choose to make a family with me. I don’t have an issue with him ranking his kids higher than me as I totally expect that! I want him to put our son and his daughter first! I think it’s crazy that he can actually say I’m the last priority though. I don’t know maybe it’s normal that his mum and sister should come before me but I can tell you what, if I knew that would be the case from the beginning I would of stayed clear! Conveniently he has only just dropped that bomb though.

We discussed the whole career change, I made it very clear I wasn’t happy about it and it was a decision he made when I was 8 months pregnant. He would always try to bring it up in conversation and I would just close up and told him I didn’t want to speak about it. I genuinely didn’t want him to put a dampener on the end of my pregnancy. Anyway when we did discuss things in the end I told him I was scared and not happy about this choice. He tried to reassure me, informing of the “excellent financial change it would do for our family” I was just thinking of my son and the benefits that he would have from this if we had more financial flexibility. In the back of my mind I also thought of how it would effect my son not seeing his daddy. My partners always been the type of parent who strongly believes that boarding school is the best option for children. This does make me sad because I couldn’t imagine not seeing my son all week! It’s just not an option for me at all and if my partner thought that strongly about it then why is it our son who should be boarded and not his DD also?Surely you can see where I’m coming from here?

Woah. Just woah.

It's too late and I'm too tired for me to form a proper post but let me try with bullet points

• whatever you may think about your current situation, you're young enough to start a new, better, situation. With or without DP. You need to toughen up!
• start thinking about your financial independence. Right now.
• I don't know where your DP is from but you say he is black. I'm black and my DH is black, but we are not from the same place and thus we have cultural differences. He tried the whole 'my mum is very important..' talk with me. But he's never said 'more important' or tried to create any sort of hierarchy. That's just messed up and you shouldn't tolerate it. Next time he brings it up, ask him what his real point is. Heck, I love a good argument, I brought it up one day when it replayed in my head and DH doesn't mention it anymore. But with time I've understood why he mentioned it. He's just letting you know that, culturally, it's not okay to be distant with ones parent just because you have made your own little family (the western way). Mum is here to stay.

-Placing his daughter in front of your son is something I'd not stand for and can't even fathom why you made a second child with him. All children are equal. Shut down all future attempts at family status conversation. Just say 'I am not interested in your hierarchy' or 'your children are not in competition', or whatever it takes. If he continues, just keep repeating it until he stopped. Let him argue with himself.

• your DPs mother is out of order, but I'm not surprised tbh. I've had a few stand offs with my MIL. You're going to have to make a stand. If you want your DP to start respecting you, you need to respect yourself. Don't take the bait from his mum. Direct your anger at your 'D'P. Tell him how you feel and tell him you'll respond to her directly if he doesn't try to shut her up. That'll get him to act fast. Tbh, if he doesn't act, that's a true indication that he doesn't love you or have any need for a harmonious family. You've been certified 'expendable'.
• the step daughter situation is more complicated. I think you're probably too young for her to take seriously. Also, teens are hard work, and if she were your own daughter you'd probably be more understanding. No real solutions to give you, but you need to start building a relationship with her if you want this to work
• Nobody will tell me my son is going boarding school. Not even my Husband. Culturally, he may view this education in the highest light, and is showing you he is willing to spend some serious cash educating his son to the highest standards. Certainly, in my husbands culture it would mean exactly that. Whatever it is, if you aren't happy with it, you tell him it's not happening.

Overall, you are being provided for, but without much emotional support from him. You constantly allude to feeling inferior to all else in your DP's life. He's told you this, you are inferior. Did your own mother raise you to place you at the bottom of a hierarchy? No man or woman should tell you where you belong. If you are placed down there and stay there, it's you who is the fool. Stand up for yourself and your children.

Picking up from posts ago. It just gets worse.
You need to get your shit together OP. Cultural differences have nothing to do with it. You are being a doormat, a slave, an unpaid maid.
Call it what you like. You don't seem happy and who on earth would be?