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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me to get my alcoholic husband out. I'm struggling to move things along!

77 replies

Tiddleypops · 16/05/2018 07:59

I need a little help /talking to /kick up the bum! And I know mumsnetters are the masters of all of the above Grin

I'll try (and fail) to keep the background brief!

I told my husband in February, that I want to separate. He's a 'functioning alcoholic' - and various other issues financial abuse, emotional abuse etc. Despite my best efforts to help him overcome his issues, all that happened is he got worse anyway and I developed major co-dependency issues (textbook case, I know this now!) He's on a path to self destruction that I can't save him from and I know that our young DS and I need to live separately from him to prevent further damage to me or DS.

Anyway, since that first conversation, I have had to have the same conversation again, because - after an initial phase of him being remorseful, threatening suicide and life not being worth living etc., he has moved onto be so completely immersed in denial that he just won't accept it's over (predictable really but I wasn't expecting it!) So we went through it all again and I reiterated that there is no going back and nothing to save in terms of 'us'.
Despite it being spelled out to him he's saying he can't let me go etc and just going on as normal (just without physical contact and not doing things together).

I want him to move out. Our home, mortgage etc is all in my name, I pay most of the bills anyway and am primary carer for our DS, and so for me and DS to be the ones to move out would be a lot more difficult, expensive, and not to mention completely unsettling for DS (unjust also!) I can buy him out.
He earns a lot more than me so could afford to set himself up easily (for now, until he eventually allows his drinking to take his job as well. I don't want this to be my problem).

The problem is, how do I ask him to move out?! I already know the obvious answer is to tell him to move out!! But I'm finding this as big a hurdle as the first time I told him we were over Sad and I think I just need to hear it from outside my own head to help me actually action it.
With co-dependency it's very difficult to stop doing the things I've always done, protecting everyone from his mess, providing way more than I should etc. I'm very accustomed to burying myself and just having to react to him. Although I've managed to detach emotionally, I'm still being a doormat. I'm also scared of him to a point, at some point he will get angry and he's the master of deflecting all blame and issues onto others.

Every day that passes is another day wasted that I am not yet on my path to recovery from this toxic relationship.

I need to grow a backbone and get on with telling him to go (and then crack on with divorce proceedings if he refuses?) Any practical advice on how I actually do this would be gratefully received!

OP posts:
Tiddleypops · 24/07/2018 12:25

Thank you.
I'm feeling encouraged by everyone's support. I have told him we will talk later in the week, but this is a discussion about how we separate, not a discussion about working things out.

Once this conversation has been had, then I'll get to the solicitors.

OP posts:
Zhabr · 24/07/2018 13:12

Thanks, Tiddleypops

Attila
As I said I am afraid to put DS into position where he must spend nights alone with the drunken person, who unfortunately is his father and has the same parental rights as me...
that will be unsafe and clearly not in the best interests of the child, but how can I prove it? I am primary care and main attachment, but will judge see it like that? H actually said that if I want a divorce he should have DS because "i am a breadwinner".
I am well aware about the effect of alcoholic parents on children, as I am myself that child. MY father was an alcoholic and the shame and embarrassment of that still haunts me. He eventually stopped when he got a health condition related to alcohol abuse. My parents are still together, I don't have close relationship with them. But they been "out there", shouting and screaming at each other. We are very hushed and secretive about it, H holds down a good job and does not look like an alcoholic. So it is very tricky.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/07/2018 13:31

You are repeating with your son what you went through as a child, it is of no great surprise that you went onto choose an alcoholic yourself. Your parents taught you damaging lessons on relationships I bet your own mother thought that you were unaware too when infact you were not and also picked up on all the vibes. Do not repeat the same mistakes your mother made and stay with her alcoholic H. Am I surprised you do not have a close relationship with your parents, no I am not. You son won't have with you either particularly if you choose to stay.

Seek proper legal advice re your situation with your alcoholic H and do not get ahead of yourself by thinking about what a judge would say. You are your son's primary carer and that counts for a lot; what your H is saying to you is an empty threat designed to both control and keep you in check.

What does an alcoholic look like though?. Not all of them end up on park benches and many of them do hold down jobs. So that argument is a bust. Alcoholism too thrives on secrecy, do not keep your H's alcoholism a secret here.

RabbitsAreTasty · 24/07/2018 13:44

Have you served the divorce papers on him yet?

If not, no wonder he thinks you are bluffing and act accordingly.

springydaff · 24/07/2018 14:18

Contact Shelter. They are the experts in all things accommodation and you won't be the first trying to get a recalcitrant partner out of a joint property. They know the legal ropes and can advise accordingly.

Just a thought: is there any mileage in you moving out? Yy it's not fair etc BUT if he's going to make this hell (and he will Sad) it may be an idea to circumnavigate months/years of hell by moving out. Sometimes the price of peace is worth it.

Do contact your local Women's Aid as soon as. Also do contact Rights of Women.

Do get on with Al-anon. That will make all the difference. I also agree it's pointless (actually, damaging) to have a discussion with him - he will only emotionally abuse you, lie, blame, etc. You've had enough of that, you don't need any more.

Well done, keep going. Get all and every support behind you, don't do this alone. Contact your GP and let them know what's going on - so it's on your, and your boy's, records as well as for support etc.

Tiddleypops · 24/07/2018 14:33

@Zhabr how old is your son?

I also have this fear, our son will stay overnight with H while I am not there. H would not wake to the sound of stampeding elephants (indeed he often sounds like a herd of stampeding elephants!) My son is 5.

OP posts:
Tiddleypops · 24/07/2018 14:37

Thank you @springydaff. I am actually looking forward to going to al-anon. I had considered going to the GP - I went a around 2 years ago when things were getting bad. H's issues are documented too. It's worth going again. Thankfully I have amazing friends.

OP posts:
Zhabr · 24/07/2018 15:28

Tiddlepops he is 8. He has mild astma and sometimes needs inhaler in the middle of the night.

rizlett · 24/07/2018 15:37

I believed Al-anon was the scariest place ever but I was so desperate and felt I had no other choice. I would not be the person I am today without them and in all likelihood would still be co-dependant on the alcoholic I was with at the time.

I told him I was going and even though he was never an angry man he was beside himself with anger because it made what was happening real. My kids also got tremendous support from Al-a-teen. Going to a meeting will be the best thing you ever did and will help you work out the right way to move forward. Good Luck op. You are doing amazing already.

rizlett · 24/07/2018 15:38

Just to clarify - my fear was only about going to a meeting - once I got there I knew it was the best place for me to be.

Tiddleypops · 24/07/2018 17:18

Thank you for sharing your experience @rizlett. That's very encouraging Smile. Do you still go?
I feel very nervous about what to expect, but I know it will be a good thing. I have a feeling I may just cry - there are a lot of tears waiting for the opportunity to come out and even just the thought of being among people who just 'know' is making me feel quite emotional!

OP posts:
rizlett · 24/07/2018 17:35

I went for two years Tiddleypops and it totally changed me as a person. I would still go because there is such support to gained and given but I moved counties and moved on from that life.

I too couldn't speak the first time - that was ok with everyone there - I just sat there with tears streaming down my face for the whole time - I saw this happen lots with other new people too - that was ok. There is no judgement just support. It was the first time in my life that I felt listened too and that I could say anything and the people there would understand. It came to be a very safe place and I treasure my memories from that time.

Tiddleypops · 24/07/2018 17:58

@rizlett that sounds really good. I am so pleased that you have moved on from that life. I am going to do that too. Thanks again for sharing.

H has come to me today to say to tell me that he wants a couple of weeks now to think about things. I can sense he is starting to get angry now that he is starting to realise that I am not going to change my mind.

OP posts:
rizlett · 24/07/2018 18:05

Just keep going - one step at a time Tiddleypops - lots of people were angry with me for going - but I was doing it for me. Probably the first time I'd ever done that and an important lesson to learn.

You will find lots of simple coping strategies at Al-anon. Flowers

fuzzyfozzy · 24/07/2018 18:20

If he doesn't want to meet, send him an email of where you're up to and what you're plans are. Just so he has something to be thinking about...

RabbitsAreTasty · 24/07/2018 19:15

If he files for divorce instead of you then he has more opportunities to fuck about and delay.

When he realises you are not going to change your mind it is very likely that he will have a hissy fit that involves him instructing a solicitor to divorce on grounds of your unreasonable behaviour. This will make him feel better and he can tell everyone he's divorcing you.

Get your legals sorted asap.

springydaff · 24/07/2018 19:54

It needs to be mentioned that this is the dangerous time for women who are leaving unstable men. Please don't think he wouldn't be violent, you can just never know.

Please be on your guard 💐

AcrossthePond55 · 24/07/2018 20:35

Given your last post, you need to get to a solicitor immediately, whilst H is still 'thinking'. Because I'd be willing to bet that his 'thinking time' will involve solicitor visits as well as potential shenanigans regarding money, assets, and possessions. Keep your eyes open. And it's probably a good time to separate finances if you have joint accounts. Or at the least move 1/2 of all savings into an account in your name and redirect your salary to that account. Check your balances frequently.

Trust your senses. If you think he's becoming angry, believe it. And take action to protect yourself.

Tiddleypops · 24/07/2018 21:37

Thank you. Warnings heeded.
It is not beyond him to be violent. He has been very aggressive in arguments in times gone by (not happened in years, but I think I have gotten very used to avoiding triggering him, and we are entering a new, potentially dangerous phase so possible that this behaviour will return). I think I'm going to get a bag of things ready for a quick escape if required.

OP posts:
Tiddleypops · 24/07/2018 21:41

If I see a solicitor sooner rather than later can I ask them to prep everything ready but wait for my say so to action it? Confused I do still want to try and be reasonable, until such time as he gives me a reason not to be!

OP posts:
HappyHedgehog247 · 24/07/2018 21:49

It’s not unreasonable to ask for a divorce. Reading your posts, it feels like you both keep pushing this out. You say to him you’ll talk after a trip next month, or you’ll talk later this week. You’re talking about when you’re going to talk instead of actually just getting on with it! Now he’s busy ‘thinking’. Of course life and untangling a marriage is never simple, but I’m not sure that it gets easier the more drawn out it is. What’s stopping you filing for divorce this week? Whether or not he agrees to move out that’s still a step in the process you need to do. If you do definitely want to?

another20 · 24/07/2018 21:50

I do still want to try and be reasonable, until such time as he gives me a reason not to be!

No words....

AcrossthePond55 · 24/07/2018 22:01

Yes, pack a 'bug out bag' for yourself and DS. Don't forget any medications, important papers (birth/marriage certs, bank statements, etc), and enough cash for a hotel and/or train/bus fare. Also, if you drive, be sure to keep the gas tank topped up.

Yes, you can get everything 'prepped' with a solicitor and then hold off on filing. That's what I'd do if I were you. If something changes after you and he 'talk', the solicitor can amend paperwork as needed before filing.

another20 · 24/07/2018 22:05

Dont talk to him.

He doesn't even hear you.

You are not his priority, neither is his son.

You may be able to absorb this silent toxic nonsense - but don't pollute your child with it for a minute longer.

You need to divert your emotional and physical energies to your son and not the alcoholic. Get it all out in the open with friends and family - you only have to say it one "X has a serious drink problem" - they will know already.

Dont feel FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) these are his to own. Dont feel shame - feel PRIDE on each step you take to remove your child from this.

I hate the term 'enabling" as it sounds like a 'proactive' choice - like going out to buy booze for instance - when in reality "enabling" actions are often fire fighting in the moment - but Al anon will help you detach and understand that leaving them in the "fire" (ie consequences of their drinking) is the best thing for your child, you and ultimately them.

You are further along than you think -but expect ZERO cooperation from him. Get support. Good luck.

Mrsramsayscat · 24/07/2018 23:20

He really doesn't hear you. He will be looking after his own interests.