Being blanked without warning

[Wanthimomuch]

I’ve recently found myself blanked by someone I care about very much. We stated off dating and several months in I got downgraded to fwb. He always appeared to have feelings for me but after a while said he didn’t want a relationship (with me). He has shown interest in someone else but always chased to get me back if I lost interest in waiting around. He went to stay with family for a few weeks , didn’t contact me while away and has not opened two friendly neutral messages I sent since he got back. He’s avoided going online.

I thought this type of behaviour was for avoiding people you’ve had a couple of dates with. This will soon be the best part of a year of meeting up, chatting etc. It feels horrible knowing he is ignoring me and I don’t know why. I feel nauseous and miss his contact. I’m assuming the lack of contact is permanent otherwise he would have been in touch.

Options are
*to do nothing but that wouldn’t give me any closure and would leave me feeling like I’d not acknowledged my feelings.
*wait until I see he has been online on the app I messaged him on (just in case there’s been a genuine change of travel plans, illness) then once I know he has seen the messages but not opened or replied, call him out on his behaviour. I’m assuming he will go online sooner or later.

• send a message outlining how his behaviour towards me has made me feel and then leave alone.

My gut says give it a while to be sure it’s a permanent thing and then say my piece. Do I send it online so I know if it’s been read? If I text, I won’t know if he’s blocked my number and so never received the text?

How do people get over being cut off like this? Do I delete pics and messages or keep? He did blank me once before when he had family issues and so I think he would revert to this behaviour again. He was never apologetic enough the first time round and I should have listened to the voice in my head that said if he cared, he’d never have stopped contact regardless of what he had going on.

Some people are just like that.

They don't have the decency or moral fibre to have the discussion. You're left to just try and work it out.

I completely get your need for closure, only you have to make the closure by deciding to walk away. Life is too short to lose time to heartache and tears. I know it's all far easier said than done though.

Im one of those people that needs the facts to be able to shut something off properly. I find myself constantly mulling it over, trying to work out what changed from the last time I saw him. I’m sure he planned to blank me in advance, he was distant and uncaring towards me when we had sex before he left despite him making plans for when he got back.

I don't think you need closure here. He's telling you very clearly what you mean to him.
I would make myself completely unavailable to him, block him every way you can and try not to give him anymore head space.
You deserve to be treated better than that.

Do nothing.

Ultimately, he doesn’t give a toss about you & you won’t get your closure as he’s moved on. There’ll be no satisfaction to be gained as he doesn’t care.

Chalk it up to experience & find someone who likes you for who you are

Stop waiting for his scraps.
Why on earth would you do that to yourself?
He's told you very clearly that you are a shag when he can't get any from anyone else.
He's interested in someone else and that's that.
Stop stroking his ego.
Cut him off.
Block, ignore and delete and move on with your life.
I'll never understand all this 'closure' BS!
He's already given you that.
His actions tell you all you need to know here.
Next time someone wants to downgrade you - tell them to fuck off.
Now get out there and have some fun and ignore this dipshit!

I know exactly what you mean OP. Only we don't always get the info we need. Sometimes we do just have to say "Fuck it" and leave it behind.

hellsbells has it spot on.

By closure, do you mean you need a conversation where he tells you it's over?

He's being a twat. Create your own closure by deciding that YOU have dumped HIM.

You need this

You want the facts for closure? The fact is he is a total wanker who doesn't give a shit.

Please don't start begging for scraps of attention from him, it will destroy what self esteem you have left.

Block him on everything. Big Girls Pants.

You have the facts.. it is frowned upon in mumsnet but i witheld my number and rang a man who decided we were finished while he was on holiday but didnt bother to tell me. So about 2 days after he had returned i rang him to say i was saying goodbye and that he had behaved in a more cowardly way than i could have imagined possible from a man in his 50s.

I felt a lot better afterwards. Like id dumped him.

But this only works if you dont care and are nearly relieved and you just want to speed up the conclusion.

What hellsbells and mamansnet said.

He didn’t “officially” end it with you because you have been further downgraded to being a number in his little black book that he might call one day for a random catch-up shag.

Leaving messages for him will just be entertainment for him. Keep your dignity and self respect. Don’t press in where you’re not welcome.

Imho, when someone ghosts you, the best thing to do is to ghost them right back. That’s a two way street.

His loss. Dump and block xx

If that is how he feels what is the point of any contact.

Just hold your head up high and put it behind you.

Had a guy do this to me years ago, very hurtful but I eventually got the hint and removed him from my life, fast forward ten years and I saw him and he was all about me, he looked just like the looser I should have seen 10 yrs ago but I was blinded by infatuation. Bin him hun. Whether he sees/ ignores / replies etc, its not going to make a blind bit of difference, he is still a knob x

Does it ever stop hurting? I feel so unsure of myself. If I really misjudged him in terms of him not caring about me and him not wanting to really be my friend, then I’ve been blinkered the whole time I’ve known him. If his feelings have suddenly changed, I don’t understand how they switched off without warning and what the trigger was. In the build up to him going away, I can see he was after sex but there’s an emotional distance that wasn’t there before, it hurts like hell to consider that this might have been planned as a clean break for him.

I know how much I mull things over, I’ve always been this way. I need a definite answer to a message asking what’s going on, be straight with me blah blah. Ignoring it will help me make a break and delete him. I never thought a man like that could hurt me so much. I can’t believe I’m so besotted and stupid.

He is a bad communicator though which is all tied up in why he ghosted.

I agree with the poster who said that he reeled you in by behaving well, then downgraded you to a casual relationship and now, he hasn't made that official because he wants you to be glad when/if he finally gets in touch (if he feels lonely one night).

I'd block him.

He does sound pathetic though.

I really understand where you're coming from. It's happened to me overnight when the day before he was completely obsessed with me.

I felt dreadful for a long time as I just didn't know what had happened. I came up with every scenario. I wanted and needed closure and I just never got it. I threw myself into dating and the need to know faded. I'd still love to know but really I know it boils down to he just didn't want to be with me. I'm really sad I wasted my time and got myself in that situation but I instantly accepted it and knew not to try and win him back

Op im sorry. its shit. But you git your answer when you were downgraded to fwb. Try to do something nice for yourself pamper yourself and reflect on the experience.

The trouble is, there are no real obvious red flags in the beginning that may preempt you to think that someone is capable of doing this. Maybe lovebombing, getting serious or intense too quickly, but other than that how the hell do you know? Feel for you OP. Remember your answer is in his actions, which speak louder than words. Be kind to yourself.

You need to take ownership of your own feelings here. Stop giving him the responsibility - he doesn't want it and he won't treat it carefully and with consideration.

Two things stand out to me. You say you need to tell him how you feel: "to do nothing but that wouldn’t give me any closure and would leave me feeling like I’d not acknowledged my feelings". But why to do need to tell him something to acknowledge your feelings to yourself? Surely that is something that you can do without involving someone else?

Secondly, you say "I need a definite answer to a message asking what’s going on, be straight with me". Again, why do you NEED him to take responsibility for processing your feelings? Why can't you do that yourself?

Dont give someone else this power over you. You are responsible for your feelings and you are the one that has to manage them. It sounds hard, but it is totally empowering. No-one can hurt you like this again when the only person who controls how you feel is you.

The only thing you can do, without looking needy, is NOTHING.

Block him on everything, I agree with PP who said put your big girl pants on. Stay busy, you do it need this shit.

*do not need

Iceswan,, how did you get yourself to accept things and not try to win him back? That’s what I’m struggling with.

You have no option but to accept it. He's gone. All he has ever offered you has been crumbs..there was nothing to win back. That is the reality.

Sonjadog, I found what you said about being in charge of my feelings rather than allowing him to dictate how I feel really interesting. I just can’t work out how to control how I feel, it’s as if my emotions are out of control right now and I csnt seem to step away from the pain. I want to.