Being blanked without warning

[Wanthimomuch]

I’ve recently found myself blanked by someone I care about very much. We stated off dating and several months in I got downgraded to fwb. He always appeared to have feelings for me but after a while said he didn’t want a relationship (with me). He has shown interest in someone else but always chased to get me back if I lost interest in waiting around. He went to stay with family for a few weeks , didn’t contact me while away and has not opened two friendly neutral messages I sent since he got back. He’s avoided going online.

I thought this type of behaviour was for avoiding people you’ve had a couple of dates with. This will soon be the best part of a year of meeting up, chatting etc. It feels horrible knowing he is ignoring me and I don’t know why. I feel nauseous and miss his contact. I’m assuming the lack of contact is permanent otherwise he would have been in touch.

Options are
*to do nothing but that wouldn’t give me any closure and would leave me feeling like I’d not acknowledged my feelings.
*wait until I see he has been online on the app I messaged him on (just in case there’s been a genuine change of travel plans, illness) then once I know he has seen the messages but not opened or replied, call him out on his behaviour. I’m assuming he will go online sooner or later.

• send a message outlining how his behaviour towards me has made me feel and then leave alone.

My gut says give it a while to be sure it’s a permanent thing and then say my piece. Do I send it online so I know if it’s been read? If I text, I won’t know if he’s blocked my number and so never received the text?

How do people get over being cut off like this? Do I delete pics and messages or keep? He did blank me once before when he had family issues and so I think he would revert to this behaviour again. He was never apologetic enough the first time round and I should have listened to the voice in my head that said if he cared, he’d never have stopped contact regardless of what he had going on.

I dont think it is about stepping away from the pain. It is more about acknowledging to yourself that it is there, why it is there and then finding ways to self-soothe. What things make you happy? Go and do one of them (e.g. go for a walk, read a book, go to the pub with a good friend, etc). Focus on another area of your life rather on this sad bit.

The problem I’m having is concentrating on anything else. This has come at the end of a horrendously difficult few years with a lot of loss and I’m struggling to cope with an additional loss. It’s wrecked my confidence. I keep thinking what is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? It feels like I’m not even worth an explanation in his eyes. You don’t treat people like this.

You are good enough. You are great. But this guy is not the guy for you and when you try to make someone who isn´t right for you fit the mould, then this is what can sometimes happen.

It is really difficult when your heart is broken to move on and it is really hard to concentrate on other things, but keep trying and it will gradually get easier. The best thing for broken hearts is time. In the end, you won't care about this guy at all.

Maybe you need to spend some time working through the other losses in your life? Maybe focus on what you feel you need to do to be at peace with them, and the rest will fall into place? I notice myself that I often get "displaced" emotional reactions. So I get really upset about something that doesn't deserve that much emotion when I am actually hurting about something else. Could it be that you are transferring emotions you haven't dealt with to the situation with this guy?

I got this after a 6 year LDR, Told him the way he was treating me compared to his little brothers girlfriend was making me feel worthless/unimportant/ forgettable etc, and he hasnt spoken to me since. That was new years day this year. i refused to message him when he didnt reply, im not going to grovel to him, i've now realised he was only ever a user after gifts and emotional support anyway, he lied about having a brain tumour when i told him my mum died from brain cancer, he cheated at least once, but i heavily suspect at least 3, so im well rid. didn't stop it hurting like hell though.

I think Sonjadog might be onto something there with you possibly displacing feelings onto this man/this relationship - something knotty that you're mentally chewing over and trying to solve, rather than dealing with the other losses you've experienced? Because this man doesn't deserve all the headspace you've given him, so from the outside, it looks to me that i's possible he's been a distraction from larger losses (things you can't solve)?

Thank you, I think there is some displaced feelings. I’ve dealt well with the last few years and have had counselling. But I think I’ve used the up down, on off nature of this ‘relationship’ as a way of taking the dullness off my day to day life. I’ve mistook the anxiety of never knowing where I stand for love. The sex was so passionate and the best I’ve ever had yet he never cuddled me afterwards or let me stay the night snuggled up with him.

I don't know if it's specific to me and this guy but I knew instantly that was it, it was definitely over. I knew his personality well enough to know that, as well as begging wouldn't work and I'd be pitiful in his eyes to even try finding out what he was thinking.

I still wanted his respect and fixated on how I'd be perceived by him so did everything I could to handle it with dignity. But I'd still wake up crying privately.

I threw myself into a whirlwind of dating which probably wasn't the best choice but I was searching for someone to make me forget him, blow him out of the water. Going through the nerves and excitement of first dates distracted me. Probably not something I would advise. I hadn't dealt with it.

Don't give him the satisfaction of being available or by expressing any further interest. Don't feed the ego or his vanity. I know you feel it would enable you to draw a line under it, but resist the temptation to have to find out. If he can't be bothered getting in touch, he's not worth the trouble.

His behaviour towards you, isn’t about you and says everything about him and the kind of person he is. Hindsight is a marvellous thing but his behaviour in downgrading your relationship to fwb, appears to not have rang enough alarm bells with you as it should have. It sounds like that you saw in him what you wanted to see and ignored the bits that didn’t fit with that image.

Unfortunately, you made the common mistake of prioritising someone who saw you as an option.

You have closure, he doesn’t want to see you and as painful as that is, it is an answer. Don’t compound that mistake by surrendering more power to him by making him responsible for your closure, especially when you know he isn’t capable of giving it.