HELP PLEASE LADIES ...

[peaky297]

I am in a loving and committed relationship and am living with my partner in the house he owned prior to us having met. He pays for the mortgage and I pay my half of the bills. We have always spoken about wanting to get married and have children, but we recently discussed having a baby sooner rather than later and I said that I wanted to and he was ecstatic. My only concern is what happens if we break up in the future? As things stand, I have every intention of spending the rest of my life with him and him with me, but I think most couples start out feeling that way with no idea what the future holds ten years down the line. I guess what I’m getting at is whether it is a huge risk to have a child with him when we aren’t married and he owns the house? Should I insist on getting married first? I love him and don’t believe that he would ever want to hurt me, but equally I don’t want to be naïve about the whole thing either. Thoughts and advice please ladies!

Tbh I think you are being a touch grabby!

Save up and give him half of what he has paid off the mortgage so far? Then ask to be added

Yes, get married first otherwise you'll have no rights. You'll likely take a career hit. You're paying bills at his house so you could end up with nothing.

She's not being grabby, she's being sensible and looking at all possible outcomes. OP, you need to have a talk with your partner and see how the land lies, don't put yourself in a potentially vunerable situation and do not allow yourself to become financially dependent on this man.

Get married, it’s less of a commitment than having a child together so he shouldn’t have any problems with it . Doesn’t need to cost more than £200 really.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack

Absolutely spot on. It's not grabby - it's sensible. But DO talk to your partner because you've identified an important vulnerability for you and a potential for an unbalanced relationship. Go into it with your eyes open, please. Too many people don't and think it doesn't matter; it does.

Yes get married first.
If you have a child, give up work and split up in 4 years time, you will have nothing.
Nothing at all.
Protect yourself and any future DC and either get married or get something drawn up prior to the wedding to ensure you and any DC are 'looked after' should anything happen.
Make sure he also has a will. If he should die (heaven forbid but it does happen) then again, you and any DC would have nothing!

No one starts off thinking they will split up. But. I agree, if children are involved and you may want to put your career on hold, be a stay at home Mum, or anything that makes you more reliant on him financially and less self sufficient then, yes, I do think you need to think about either ensuring that you (and him) put you in a better position financially. Or you discuss getting married.

FFS. She’s not grabby. She could find herself out on her arse with a child and potentially no job, since having kids isn’t exactly great for your career.

Absolutely you should get married. Also, can you sell up and buy something jointly, wherein you pay half the mortgage?

Marriage isn’t just a piece of paper, it’s a great way of protecting yours and your child’s future - should he die or you split

You're being sensible to think about it now. Getting married would 'protect' you but it depends on your own citcumstances really. Are you able to support and house yourself and a child should the relationship end? If not then think carefully about having a child before marrying. If so then as another poster suggested, buy part of the house so its yours too, or buy another property and rent it out so you have somewhere that's yours.

Grabby? Don't be ridiculous.

So sensible op. Absolutely you do need protection so get married first.

Get married. I’m contemplating divorce following H’s infidelity and I’m so glad we’re married as I am in a low paid, PT role since having kids whereas he earns good money. We were so happy on our wedding day I would never have thought in a million years this would happen. Definitely protect yourself.

And if they split up can she afford the mortgage?

There is a bill being debated in parliament now. Quite rightly. It is going to allow for greater protection of your own assets regardless of marriage.

Stand on your own two feet. So many don’t and then can’t get out due to finances!

Yes certainly marry first . I thought of it once as just a piece of paper until I realised how much protection it actually gives you when I came to get married myself .

Marriage isn’t just a piece of paper, it’s a great way of protecting yours and your child’s future - should he die or you split

What a reason to get married...absolutely awful. In fact when I married I had the bigger income and vast proportion of considerable assets. I would be devastated to think that he wanted to marry me to protect himself and get a big share of my assets, rather than he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me

Marriage is a choice and the other OP is right re legislation. The higher courts have now moved to stop this complete division of pre marital assets unless there is a pressing need to provide for children. And given that a lot of couples are starting to do 50/50 parenting it means that the provision has to be more equal...and isn't that evident with the number of female posters on here that try to block the 50/50 parenting just to get more money.

If one partner is on low pay and has no assets, maybe they should think whether they want to be totally dependent on someone else!

If you think it’s awful then don’t get married and should your unmarried partner die interstate do make sure you don’t at any time worry about losing the roof over your head after losing the love of your life, if that isn’t traumatic enough for you and any offspring

"and isn't that evident with the number of female posters on here that try to block the 50/50 parenting just to get more money." @MarieG10 what on earth do you mean? What a sweepingly misogynistic statement.

Even taking the financial aspect out of it I wouldn't have a child with someone (and then have to be linked to them in some way for life) who wouldn't commit to marriage.

I think you would be unwise to have a child without both getting married and discussing how you will manage things financially once children arrive. You need to be sure you see things the same way as having kids puts pressure on your relationship as it is - you don’t need to be arguing about money too.

Get married - or accept that there is NO financial arrangement around what you bring to your lives together and no claim on each other’s property (regardless of when it was aquired) if you separate. Child maintenance would of course be paid by whoever takes on less child care - but a fifty fifty split would leave you with no claim.
You do not aquire rights to someone else’s property, however long you live with them or how much you share. On marriage - all your assets (both what you bring and what you go on to acquire) become shared.

Assassinatedbeauty

Read posts from women who are opposing 50/50 parenting due to it affecting their finances, or see it as a ruse to cut the maintenance or marital settlement.

I appreciate that when you are in a difficult financial position it may be tempting to alter parenting arrangements to change finances but the best parenting for the DC doesn't seem at the forefront of the intention...

I don't see those posts, @MarieG10. I don't think it's common or typical. I think it's a nasty accusation aimed at women which is baseless.

By way of an update I had a chat with my DP last night and was completely honest about my feelings and concerns with having a baby before marriage. Much to my relief, he completely understood! He said that I was being sensible, that he knows that there is no malicious intent behind it and that he is still very excited about our future together. Communication really is the best thing sometimes. Thanks for all the advice ladies, it helped give me the confidence to know that I should bring it up! Now it is just a case of waiting for the big question so that I can say the big YES! :)

That's brilliant news :)

Great!