Help me to get on with my 9 yr old dd

[FairyFace]

Ok I have a dd 9 and a ds 6, I love them both dearly. They really are my world. But I have a tendancy to bicker and not get on very well with dd at times. Whereas I am more loving towards my son. Granted he is a very easy child to deal with and seems more mature than my dd. She is very head strong and has always seemed very tuned in with emotions from a very young age. She struggle with anxiety and we have addressed this and brought her to doctors and child physcologist who has told us we are doing all the right things. My husband has commented more than a few times that I favour my son over my daughter and yes my actions would look like that from the out side. I get more annoyed at her than I would him. She can be very moody at times and I will try to talk to her but it makes her worse. We have a loving family so there are no problems at home. She gets on really well with her younger brother too and loves him dearly. I hadn't a great relationship with my own mother growing up , I felt she couldn't show her love to me and formed a great bond with my dad. I really don't want to turn out like my mother with myself. I love my daughter so so much and when she was a baby we were so close, literally just me and her every day whilst dh was at work, we slept together and went everywhere together. What has gone wrong? I find it hard to cope with her moodiness and I find sometimes pulling back because the more I give her the more she takes kind of thing. For eg if she is upset about something trivial and I try and comfort her she either rebuffs it and gets moody or will cry and moan even more, whereas with son, he will accept the comfort and go off about his business. This is really upsetting me because I love my two kids so much but I am worried about the damage this could be causing my daughter. She also has a habit of tics, coughing, opening her mouth as if to yawn etc, I have tried to help her with this and have explained they are little tics etc and that once they aren't harming her its ok. In school she is very bright and gets on well with all her pals. I'm so sorry for rambling on I am just trying to give you an idea of the situation. I also organise for us to have girl days but I feel like once we are off in town etc, she only really has interest in having an ice cream and maybe me buying her a little toy or book and then wants to head home. I always had visions of being really close to her as she grew up and I don't think this is the case.

Has anyone any advice please.

I think the differences in responses are due to gender. I’ve got boys/girls and the boys tend to make less fuss and get on with things. Girls are emotional and stroppy!

It’s odd how we respond differently but then we are responding to different characters so don’t be too hard on yourself!

Whatever the reasons you need to address this and you know it. when children grow up it is more difficult to keep a connection with them.

Is there anything your daughter and you like doing together? I would start there. Find something you both enjoy: sports/shopping/movies/whatever. And make a point about spending time with her around an activity. Reconnect with her. Relationships with growing children need to be built too if you want them to remain substantial, beyond obvious family love.

If you don't make an effort, you will continue to 'favour' the child you feel more comfortable with and probably cause a lot of damage

I bicker with my 10-year old DD, but it's not the end of the world. I think the thing is to keep things light. Just give her a hug or a kiss when you're passing or randomly say you love her or whatever.

Don't worry about her reacting "wrong" to your attempts to comfort her when she's upset. She's probably experiencing an extra layer of struggle about both wanting and not wanting to be comforted.

When I say 'find an activity' I don't mean 'girly days' off. But something that is part of your routine, that belongs to you both. I am not an English native speaker. My daughter and I always communicate in my mother tongue. It has created a bond between us, that involves sharing a level of intimacy I don't share with my son.

I do have other ways of connecting with my son that are based mainly (at the moment) on his music preferences. If you try you will find a way. When they grow older it is tempting to become comfortable with how easy parenting may become.

Have you had therapy regarding the issues you mention with regard to your own mother? This sounds from what you have written, to be the root of the issue. I strongly recommend you get professional help to address this before she becomes a teen. I have experienced something similar and it is very difficult to address because aspects of the child's behaviour trigger painful feelings from one's own childhood.

Agree re: some sort of therapy.
Also how would she like to plan your day out together? Give her a budget and let her organise what you do? Might be a way of connecting into her interests.
I have an 8yo and 5yo and have to remind myself how I found it hard always being the oldest and the expectations it brought with it.

Ask her what she would like to do...
I had this with my eldest daughter turned out she was feeling displaced by 2nd child after having mummy alone.

Thanks so much for all the replies, I appreciate them all. As a family ( the four of us) we tend to always do things together, I think I should try and do more stuff on my own with her. I always always tell her I love her and kiss her randomly. I had a very strong relationship and very loving with my paternal grandmother as she practically reared me when my parents were out working as they had me very young. And my dd has also a very strong realationship with her great gran. Which I love. I never thought to get counselling for my relationship with my mother because although it made me sad that we never had a great bond I probably didn't feel the loss of it because I had my grandmother anyway. I do feel like I am always trying to please my mother though and I do feel she favours my siblings over me. Hence why I am not going to let this happen with my two kids. I try to do baking with her, and play with my makeup etc but like that she tends to get annoyed over trivial things and I end up regretting starting it. I maybe give up too easily? Or maybe she just needs to understand she can't get so moody so easily? I don't know, all I know is that I love her deeply and when my grandmother does pass away she will feel that loss deeply and I want her to feel she has me and always will. I know as a child I panicked at the thought of anything happening to my gran as I loved her so much and she was and is always a great sense of security to me and we talk every day about god knows what. Again thanks for you replies, I will wait until she finishes school and try extra hard with her. She is the most beautiful little girl and I am extremely proud of her, I just want her to know that.

You may find your trying to hard and she doesn't need you too...
If all she wants is an ice cream and a toy... then do that.... She sounds like she likes her own company and is a home body... maybe you could decorate her room.... and look through some books.

If shopping trips tend to end badly I think you need to find something else to do with her, depending on her interests.

At that age my dd got quite into baking so our 'thing' was going out for afternoon tea or just a pudding. We used to try lots of different places, look out for new places opening and so on. I'm not suggesting you do that, but just look past the obvious 'girly' pastimes to find something that will appeal to her, something that she will associate with you.

As pp said you're right to address this now as it only gets harder as they get older and begin to naturally detach. If your dh has noticed your favouritism then she has to, and that may be at the root of her anxiety and bad behaviour.

More time, kind words (like those you've said here), showing her how much you love spending time with her (even if you're faking it) should yield results at this age.

I would also suggest therapy re your relationship with your mother because it seems that you are now repeating patterns that they did with you. The fact too that you still seek your mother's approval even now is telling because her approval was given conditionally rather than given freely..

BACP are good and do not charge the earth. I would suggest you find someone who fits in with your own approach so interview such people carefully before committing to seeing one.

Mummy2017! Thank you for reminding me of something, we have her room done up beautifully since a couple of years ago, all pinks and purples but now she is her own little person she has asked me can she do up her room and paint it a pastel colour lol , I think I am going to bring her to town and let her choose some paint and maybe do that. Great idea. Yes she is a homebody and she loves to be with us and do things, even simple things like us all going for a walk with the dogs etc, so maybe that's enough for her and I might just try and make sure I am not showing any favouritism to her brother, she does say to me you prefer ds to me, and that kills me, I don't I just find him an easier child to deal with and he is a real mammies boy and a people pleaser, but like some posters have said, I need to deal with this now and at the end of the day I am the adult and she is only a child. I feel a lot better after posting this and getting some opinions on ideas. Thanks guys , glad I've joined this forum, I was on another forum and god almighty they would tear shreds off you or offer no advice at all!

Also came to suggest therapy!

There are some good tools online to help children becoming more resilient, that might help too?

maybe she just needs to understand she can't get so moody so easily?

We often quote the driver of the nightbus in Harry Potter

"Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy ride."

Its hard parenting older kids as they bring thier own temperaments and strong opinions to the table. Of course. This makes it different to when they were small and thought you were brilliant.

I try to employ almost "relentless positivity " and ignore stuff if I can. You have a sensitive daughter who doesn't like stuff that you think should be a treat. Think about what she would really like - a trip to the bookshop, Dr Who exhibition?

What does she like to watch on tv. I have found myself watching Top Gear, the Gadget Show, Snog Marry Avoid, Strictly etc just to have some nice down time with them.

It may go badly and not as you planned but that's ok. Maybe stop trying too hard and focus on enjoying ordinary things with her. My teens like a firepit in the garden and an hour in our local pub with a pack of cards. It gets them off thier phones

I wouldn't worry about her saying 'you prefer DS to me' (even if you secretly do). ALL my kids used to use that line - 'you hate me, and you love xxxx more!'

I really didn't. They just knew it was a great way to wind me up.

Thanks guys, yes she is a very unique child, I think she just wants my time, my undivided time at times, I think she feels I'm not fully there, and I think this stems from my child hood, my mother was always there but emotionally she wasn't. We chat about everything, she talks to me about boys in her class, friendships etc, and she can come to me for everything which is one battle thank god. I just feel she can feel that I find it hard to connect with her at times, its hard to explain, whilst I love her dearly, would do anything for her, something is missing inside me, and although I don't blame my own mother, she was the last of a large number of siblings and basically had no love from her mother as she was reared by her siblings as her own mother was busy out socialising etc. I am not like this in the sense I love spending time with my dh and kids, I'd much rather a trip away with them camping etc than to go out. I think I will see a therapist and see what is holding me back. I've been given a lot to talk about now and have had my eyes opened. I'm looking forward to her coming home from school so I can give her a big hug . I am maybe going to set a day a week that me and her just do something, like I will sleep in her room and we can watch friends on Netflix, yes she loves this programme for some reason, thankfully the adult jokes seem to go over her head! Oh it feels a weight has been lifted from my heart.

Next time she mentions you like her brother more.. tell her no it's just he is a baby...then use it as a time to tell her you would love to do something special just girls together does she have any ideas...?
Would she watch mama Mia with you so you can sing together?

Thinking about your situation and wanting to work on it is a great start. Try not to let your relationship with your mum overshadow yours with your DD too much. You are not your mum and it sounds like you are already taking steps to make things different. And all this takes time, so don't pressure yourself. There is no deadline. You and she can take it at your own pace.

People (and kids are people!) all have different personalities so it's not unusual that you have different relationships with your different children. As you know from life, some people 'click' better than others. Up thread someone mentions girls vs. boys but I think that is misleading. I have 2 DDs similar in age to your DCs and they have very different personalities (it was clear from the first moments) so we have different relationships. DD1 is complex and can be awkward. She gives me the rage sometimes. DD2 is generally easier to be with.

I actually came on here to see if there were any ideas I could use with DD1 (11). Things that work for me are trying to adjust - not lower - my expectations and remember that what I think is a treat might not be to her. My DD1 is a bit greedy and would love a shopping spree but she also just loves hanging around doing errands or waiting in the car while DD2 is a dance or swimming.

Yes I second ‘relentless positivity’. Children are often deliberately difficult even when getting what they really desperately want. It’s because they so want that positive attention they make it hard for you to give it to test it, to check it real.

It’s to check you’re being genuine, and that if you’re really wanting to be with her / love her etc, you’ll succeed against the odds, against the difficulties she’s deliberately throwing up.

It’s also a kind of protection... if you don’t show love then she can tell herself it’s because she is horrible / too demanding etc.

So, pick something easy, something she loves, close to home etc, and then practise that relentless positivity and show warmth and enjoyment of her company, even if she makes it really really hard! Really focus, just for these special times, and don’t worry about doing it beyond that, or ‘setting up a habit’ or whatever, as these are special mummy-daughter times, when you focus entirely on her.

I think you’ll find it helps.

And you’ve reminded me I need to do this more again with my dc, so thank you :)

I just wanted to add (as you've had some lovely advice) that I felt similarly about my DD. In fact your post really chimed with me. I read books, TED talks, Mumsnet you name it trying to think of how I could fix it and feel the same baby bond with her but every day we just slipped into the bickering and arguing and I'd look at her when she was asleep, love her to bits and feel like shit. Soooo what has changed? One small thing I did was physicality: I realised she needed love and reassurance - and 9 year olds don't respond that well to words, so everyday I hugged her -like big bear hugs - in the morning, after school and before bed. I didn't change anything else and honestly it unlocked a lot of stuff for both of us. Good luck :)

Lying on the bed for a quick chat at night is nice. It sort of fills the reading a story space.
Although my 12 year old and I are sharing a book at the moment, reading out loud in turns.

OP I have a very similar relationship with my DS1 (who is 9).. and like you I get along very well with my DS2 (who is 6)..

For me I think it does have something to do with my own childhood - I'm having therapy at the moment - and also a difficult time just after he was born.. As soon as I'm feeling a bit stronger I will gently suggest family therapy for me and him..

The few people I did talk to about our relationship seemed to think it was just a phase and he/we would grow out of it.. but now he's 9 and the problems aren't going away..

I will watch your thread with interest..

You mention having a strong influence from your grandma as a child and your own mum seeming to be emotionally absent. Both of those characeristics will now form parts of yourself. You can try and parent your daughter from your "inner grandma" part of yourself, so your daughter can benefit from these lovely attributes. If you find yourself getting irritated by your daughter you can ask your "mother part" respectfully to let your "grandma part" take over.

Oh, OP, I was reading your post and wondering if I have written it myself! My situation is almost identical! You are not alone. Sorry, can not share amazing tips, as I’m lost same as you.

Just an idea re activities; it doesnt even need to be something you do "together" exclusively. It could just be something that is her "thing" but that you facilitate and support her with.

When I was little I went to a sports club- my dad took me, watched, and took me home. Sometimes I got a snack on the way home as a treat. The bonding was him making it obvious he had watched, and telling me what a good job I had done, etc, after, and letting me natter on about what I had done. But I didn't just have to be with him for the whole duration. It was sort of passive bonding as he stood around out of ear shot watching.

Or, if you have dogs, it could be as simple as joining a class where she might be able to handle a dog to teach it something (with your help). If you both find it difficult to just be with each other for extended periods, these sorts of activities where there are third parties as buffers may help.