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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh on the verge of nervous breakdown

33 replies

ConfusedWife1234 · 15/05/2018 11:30

Backstory: My dh was diagnosed with ptsd, years ago he felt suicidal but never tried suicide. It was just a feeling.
In the last weeks he has disappeared several times and by disappeared I do not mean that he really disappeared but that he locked himself in the bathroom for two hours and had a bath while we were waiting for him, because we wanted to go out. A few days later he complained about the children’s table manners while he eats like somebody who has been to prison. I wanted to discuss this with him but when I did he told me he was feeling on the verge of nervous breakdown because of the behaviour of the civvies in his workplace, he is their boss but they basically pay very little attention to him and do just as they please. Something that has making him unhappy for a long time and yesterday, they wanted to discuss everything again. Questioned his solutions and it made him feel unable to lead them and that made him feel like he was having a nervous breakdown soon and he might hurt himself. Not like having a nervous breakdown now but have a nervous breakdown soon.

He never had a real nervous breakdown before but he has felt suicidal in the past and he sometimes had a mini nervous breakdown (like starting to tremble and sob, but only for a short time).

Should I tell his family? Should I tell his therapist? What should I do? I have nobody IRL to discuss this with, I discussed this on a board for spouses of people with ptsd but it is not that frequented. Must I act soon?

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 15/05/2018 11:32

He is at work now by the way. He acted totally normal this morning, kissed me and the kids and cheerfully waved us goodbye as if nothing had happened.

OP posts:
Melliegrantfirstlady · 15/05/2018 11:34

Ask him to make an emergency appointment with his gp? He needs to be signed off for a little while so he can regather his emotions and also he may need medication

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 15/05/2018 11:46

You are sure? I fear those people he works with might respect him even less if he is signed off for a while.
I am not sure how serious it is. I will definetly talk to him today when he comes home from work.

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MyNameIsTotoro · 15/05/2018 12:15

It absolutely sounds serious enough to see his GP urgently.

You mentioned civvies - Is he armed forces OP? He'd be entitled to very swift access to mental health support.

Or maybe he's blue light services? If so, PTSD is taken really seriously these days, and rightly so. And tbh who gives a fuck if ppl respect him less for getting the help he NEEDS?

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 15/05/2018 12:16

I would really love to hear some advice. People on the board for spouses told me not to tell his family or therapist without talking to him first because it would be a break of trust.

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Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 15/05/2018 12:18

MynameisTororoHe is ex armed forces. I know there is lots of help but I am not sure if he would be okay with me contacting them.

OP posts:
IrianOfW · 15/05/2018 12:19

See your GP. DH has just been signed off from work for a similar reason after months of harassment from members of the SLT (school). Thankfully he kept notes of what went on and copies of all emails and letters sent. GP gave him two weeks sick leave and when he went back he was signed off and given setraline. This time is just a break to get away from the cause of the stress to give him time to recover and decide what to do next.

It isn't going to get better for your DH unless something changes. Good luck.

pigmcpigface · 15/05/2018 12:22

Is your DP ex-forces?

One thing leaps out at me from your post, and that is that your DP feels undermined and lacking in authority and the ability to achieve change. That can be a very toxic, devastating thing for a guy to go through, and it's made 100 times worse by the fear that someone will look inside their soul and see that they are really just frightened inside. I think the most fundamental thing is that it's important that he can talk to someone about how he feels in a way that is completely non-judgemental. It's not weak to feel challenged, desperate, or to want to cry. His feelings need to be acknowledged before everyone rushes to more practical solutions like management training or CBT to help with the thoughts of not being able to cope. Those will be important parts of the solution, but they come later.

I would get him to a good counsellor first and foremost. But also create space for him to open up at home if he wants to - support him, try to create a positive and relaxing environment for him.

mostdays · 15/05/2018 12:31

It doesn't sound like an emergency situation in which you would be entirely justified in talking to services about him 'behind his back'. But it does sound like a situation where he needs to see a professional, and I would encourage you to urge him to do this for his and your wellbeing. As for the people he works with not respecting him if he is signed off- if he doesn't get the support it sounds like he needs and he does become very unwell and have some sort of mental health crisis, that's not going to do his work reputation and relationships any good at all either. Plus, he (and those who love him) will have suffered a great deal of unnecessary pain in the meantime.

saiya06 · 15/05/2018 12:33

What about contacting a friend who is also ex military who could get through to him?

germainegrainne · 15/05/2018 12:42

Go with him to the GP as soon as possible. If they are not helpful, ask to see another and another until you find one that is.

Consider paying privately for specialist treatment. London trauma specialists.

PTSD is still not taken seriously amongst the emergency forces in our experience.

It won't be an easy fix but you need to get him some help and keep pushing for it.

Dancingtothemusicoftime · 15/05/2018 13:21

OP - contact the Veterans Gateway - google it. You can talk to them on the phone, or via web chat or email. It's brilliant. They have access to all the organisations who can help your DH. They frequently receive calls from the partners of serving and former Service personnel.

And you absolutely don't need to pay for private therapy. The NHS runs an excellent programme of support for ex- Forces personnel. Your DH's GP can refer him for this help and you would be entirely reasonable to speak to his GP in confidence , by phone, and tell them of your concerns.

Another organisation he may find helpful to link up with for some chat and reminiscing about his time in the Forces are the Veterans' Breakfast Clubs. It's a social gathering and I know that many have found the banter and comradeship really beneficial. Again google it - they are all over the country.

Finally please don't think 'veterans' refers to only older former Service personnel. The definition of military veteran in the UK is anyone who has served at least one day in the Armed Forces.

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 15/05/2018 15:08

Thank you SOOO much for your answers, I cannot write a long answer now because of kids.
BILs and FIL are ex mil and they know he has got ptsd but they do not know he feels at theedge of nervous breakdown. I am not sure if I should tell them.

He is doing CBT and he is did management training but management training made him feel worse because it did not help and made him feel that maybe he was not born to lead civvies.

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Grumpos · 15/05/2018 16:39

My exhusband has PTSD and had pretty much a whole breakdown which saw him leave me, cut off his family and start basically a new life. He later admitted he had very nearly taken his own life. He again did not want to be seen as “getting help” or being weak and was not encouraged by his seniors to ask for help in any way.
I wound very forcefully ask him to see his GP or if he does not want it “on record” then as a PP has said, contact a charity for support and help. It is imperative he acknowledges that he needs help and can make the first steps in doing so. It will take time and in my experience he will resist because of the culture of the forces.
I don’t think CBT is the way forward for PTSD and management training is neither here nor there. He needs real support specifically for someone who has witnessed or experienced trauma. This will not get better by itself I can promise you.
If you feel you can confide in M/FIL and they will work with you carefully to support and encourage him to seek the right help then you should probably tell them - if you feel it will escalate his anxiety and symptoms then hold off, but if he is on the edge he needs help right now.
I knew none of what my exh was suffering with, he hid it so so well. In that way you are one step ahead, at least you know and can support and take action. Best of luck

Mellifera · 15/05/2018 16:53

OP, he needs specialist therapy.
CBT isn‘t really going to do much for his ptsd.
Agree with pp to go private asap if he can‘t get help through ex mil charities.
GPs in my experience haven‘t got a clue about ptsd. Even the first psychiatrist I saw didn‘t see what I really needed.
You need to do the legwork for him.
Find a trauma therapist with experience.
I did and it has changed my life.

Dancingtothemusicoftime · 15/05/2018 19:16

OP, contact the charity Combat Stress. They are brilliant.

Wildlingofthewest · 15/05/2018 19:19

Is he able to take a step down at work or shift to a different department - it doesn’t sound like he can handle where he is at present so it could do him the world of good to be in a less stressful role.

He must see his GP and get help now while he is able to before this gets any worse

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 15/05/2018 20:30

IrianofWDid your husband get better?

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Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 15/05/2018 20:37

So my dh came home today and acted very normal. When I brought the children to bed he started talking on the phone with BIL but I do not think about this stuff. I do not want to eavesdrop in him. On the phone for a long time now and I am waiting for him to stop but do not quite know what to say.

I think it would be better for him to work in another position but he has his pride, he wants to achieve.

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Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 15/05/2018 21:10

He is still on the phone, drives me quite nuts... sorry talking to myself... because I wanted to discuss this with him now and find it so hard to find the right words and want to get over and done with this talk as quickly as possible... because I know he hates this kind of discussion.

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WhereIsBlueRabbit · 15/05/2018 21:25

You may want to look into EMDR for PTSD - it can have quite quick results. It may help more than CBT. Flowers

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 15/05/2018 23:29

I have talked to him now.

Confused Spouse: How are you?
Husband: Fine.
Confused Spouse: Are you okay?
Husband: Yep.
Confused Spouse: Want to talk about the things you said yesterday?
Husband: Nope.

:(

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IrianOfW · 16/05/2018 09:57

I am so sorry for confused. That is the hardest part - he is in denial, trying to pretend nothing is wrong, but both of you know it is. I guess all you can do is be there, ready when he does want to talk. I was in your position, knowing that something was very wrong, DH even admitted that, but could do nothing. It took one further instance at work to trigger him to actually DO something and call his union rep.

My husband is off work, it's only been three weeks. I think he's getting a little better but its hard to tell. Work in progress. But at least he isn't still in the place that caused the damage.

IrianOfW · 16/05/2018 09:58

Could you phrase your next conversational gambit along the lines of 'I am really worried about you. The things you told me the other day sounded serious. I can't forget them. I love you and I want to help. Please let me.' Or would that have him running for the hills?

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 18/05/2018 01:02

Hope he gets much better soon.

So what happened after I posted last:
He felt close to having a panic attack at work, went to his office, ate a candybar, put is hand in front of his face and concentrated on breathing... and now he is feeling ashamed.
I talked to him, told him he must talk to his therapist. He said yes he thinks so and he will think about it.

I am feeling sick with worry.

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