Evening All,
Long term poster here, name changing for this... I don't really know why tbh but feels like the right thing to do.
I'm having an issue with a friend, a really good friend and would really like to gather some perspective. I'll try to be brief, but also try and get the facts right.
I've been friends with "Louise" for a long time, around 13 years. We have been very, very close over this time and never had a cross word. Bridesmaids for each other... you get the picture, generally all good. We have mutual good friends.
Louise is life and soul of the party, and very attractive, this is relevant. She prides herself on her looks and I think enjoys the attention her looks get her, we are now mid 30's.
I have two children, 6 and 3. Louise has one child, who's 2. Her child has been difficult and still doesn't sleep, she has found motherhood hard but doesn't want to address the child's sleep issues and generally seems to enjoy motherhood. I felt Louise and her DH had issues since their baby, but when I tried to bring it up she'd brush it off so I respected her feelings and didn't push the issue.
Louise has another friend, Kate. I've known Kate for about the same time I've known Louise. Louise and Kate are really good friends. Kate used to live abroad, then a city far away but has moved this year to the same city as me and Louise. I'm not the biggest fan of Kate, I find her cold and money obsessed, we are just very different people but I've always respected Kate is important to Louise and socialised about once a year with Kate when she would visit. Now Kate lives in the same town, with a very similar aged child to Louise, they see each other much more, all fine with me in just politely keep my distance.
Last year, prior to Kate moving to our town, we all went on a girls weekend away, organised by me. Louise had asked to invite Kate, it was sort of for Louise's birthday so I didn't question it. Whilst we were there, Kate let slip to me she knew about problems me and my husband had been having about a year before. These were very personal issues I'd shared with Louise, I was really shocked and very upset but didn't say anything to Louise. The problems had meant DH had moved out for a short period, at the time I didn't bother Louise with this as she was so bogged down with her newish baby. When I later confided in Louise, she was upset I'd not told her but no further support was offered, it kind of just got forgotten about. Then my stepdad who raised me, died suddenly, the grief from this and the pressure of supporting my Mum has made the past year very hard, I don't feel Louise has been the best friend she could have been but I've tried to think everyone is different, but I've had this nagging hurt from the realisation she essentially gossiped to me to Kate, who would never have been someone to offer me support or help. If Louise had contacted a good mutual friend, I'd have kind of understood, but this just felt gossipy and unnecessary. I suppose now in hindsight, I can see I've distanced myself slightly from Louise but still made an effort, have people to my house, invite her round with her child, enquire about her life and family regularly. This of course is only me perspective.
Within all this, about 3 years ago, I made a good friend, let's call her Rachel...when my son started school. We have grown very close in that time and I really enjoy her company. She has been a good and true friend and very supportive. Louise vaguely knew Rachel from being out when we were younger and when she found out we had become friends, was very outspoken about her, unfairly so I think as they didn't know each other, just were on the same scene. I should mention Rachel is VERY attractive to the point where people comment on it all the time. Louise has made unkind comments about Rachel being "shallow" which I feel is uncalled for, least of all as Louise likes to make an effort too.
I tried to mix Louise and Rachel once, it didn't really work, both didn't seem to enjoy each other's company, I also felt Louise was OTT and was trying to "out do" Rachel. She made a couple of silly comments and since then I've tried to just keep them separate and socialise with them separately. Anyway, not much has happened since then apart from an increase on me seeing Kate, which I'm not loving, feel she is being a bit forced on me and my group. As I said, I don't hate her, but since realising she knows too much about my life, I feel uncomfortable around her. My DH does not want to mix with her and her husband now he knows she knows stuff about us which is painful and actually embarrassing.
It's my birthday this week, and I'm not really in the mood for doing much. Louise asked if I wanted to do something, but every time something was mentioned it included Kate but not Rachel, despite Louise knowing Rachel is a good friend of mine. Immaturely, I made my excuses and said I was busy with uni work (true) and Work but could me and Louise do something in half term, she agreed.
Last week, I went to a ticketed event with another of mine and Louise's friends, Sarah. We had been invited by Rachel, it was at her sisters restaurant and Rachel had invited another friend of hers we hadn't met. Sarah does the marketing for the restaurant so knows the owner well as well as being far more friendly with Rachel too. That friend shared a picture on Facebook of the four of us, and tagged me in it (added me as friend during the night). Louise commented "Where's my invite" and then "It's ok, I know I'm 2 years ago."
I was so mortified. Really embarrassing to write things like that.
Rightly or wrongly, I texted Louise the next day and just clarified that it was a night I was invited to, not organised and it wasn't a birthday thing or anything, and actually I'd only met one of the girls that night.
Louise answered and said "Fair enough, I just feel like the boring friend, and that it's been ages since we've been able to organise anything."
I said could we go out just the two of us in half term and she has said "Sure" but she's clearly put out, clearly by my friendship with Rachel. I see Sarah all the time and Louise never comments.
My question is, should I challenge this with Louise? Am I missing something I've done? Should I mention the deceit of her telling Kate my business or has too much time passed? I feel like I'm being punished for going out with a different friend, who happens to be attractive? I can't help thinking she wouldn't be as bothered if Rachel wasn't as glam? What is her issue with her?
As an aside, I was very lonely after the birth of my first son, and missed out on a lot of social activity, it is hard for Louise to get out nowadays but should I be sorry for my life not being as hard to socialise? My life feels so stressful, I just want to socialise and have fun with nice friends who I chose to be mates with!
TIA, that was long! 😣