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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please talk sense into me

56 replies

banjenjan · 14/05/2018 21:04

Hi everyone. I am 35 year old who thankfully escaped from an abusive marriage with my life. After two year single I decided to try online dating and met what I thought was a lovely man who I fell head over heals for. We instantly connected and he made me laugh for the first time in so long. I did spot a few red flags but ignored them. Then during the weekend he all of a sudden got very angry about me not being comfortable being completely naked in front of him. This was at 6am in the morning and although I didn't respond he left the house in temper. We had planned to spend the day together but when he didn't return I decided to leave on my own. I was upset driving home and sent him a message saying so and that I didn't see how things could work between us. He later text back saying some very hurtful things including that I had a hideous tummy. I was hurt and knew I couldn't afford to enter another abusive relationship for me and my children's sake. That night the phone calls started and after I blocked him he landed at my house the following day with a letter apologizing and telling me how much he loved me. Thankfully I was not home as I reckon I might of caved had I been. Now I'm hurting real bad and want to give him another chance but I know it's a mistake. Please tell me I'm doing the right thing

OP posts:
Sally2791 · 15/05/2018 07:53

Keep away and get therapy to help you not fall for another one. Horrible man.

Bluntness100 · 15/05/2018 07:57

God what a horrible, horrible man.

You know you don't need to walk into another abusive relationship. Stay strong. 💐

Perfectway · 15/05/2018 08:37

However much he begs and pleads and apologised do not give in. Vile man.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/05/2018 08:44

banjenjan

Do not ever let this abusive creature of a person back into your life. He needs to be blocked from each and every way of contacting you.

I note that you are going to see a therapist, this action is to be commended.

I would also suggest that you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid (there is also an online version) because this could help you better re boundaries and red flags in future. have a read too of this and also ask yourself via this therapist why you ignored the red flags (as per your initial post) re this individual.

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

TheBogWitchIsBack · 15/05/2018 08:47

Eww he's a disgusting, entitled prick.
You absolutely did the right thing.
God help the next woman he meets online.

Original poster
banjenjan · 15/05/2018 10:13

Thanks everyone for your words of support they have helped a lot. I still miss him but I know I'm doing the right thing by having nothing more to do with him. This feeling will pass and hopefully someday I will meet someone who treats me with kindness and respect

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/05/2018 10:20

Did you do the Womens Aid Freedom Programme after you previous abusive relationship ended?
Therapy is great and you need that but please do this course as well, if you haven't already.
Well done on staying strong.
So many red flags and you ignored a lot of them and all withing 2 months!!!
Spot sooner and get rid sooner - The Freedom Programme can help you with that.

eggncress · 15/05/2018 10:30

Well done OP for recognising him as an abusive prick and for getting rid.Red flags galore ! As for you ‘hideous tummy’ be proud that it’s a result of having your lovely kids. It’s not hideous at all and anyway it can go away in time if/ when you decide ...for YOU, not for some bloke who thinks he has rights to your body.
Having been with an abuser you will recognise signs of abuse ... hopefully the more subtle ones as well as the more obvious.
Never doubt yourself and trust your instincts.
Enjoy your life with your kids and don’t take him back. Call the police if he keeps harassing you Flowers

HollowTalk · 15/05/2018 10:35

You've had a narrow escape.

You say you miss him... you really don't. You might miss having someone around. You might miss the chat and the company. But this guy? You don't miss him.

You know how people often get hunger and thirst confused? They think they're hungry and eat, when actually they just needed a drink. This is what's happening here. You're feeling the loss of company and are mistaking this for the loss of him in particular. You need to identify exactly what it is you're feeling - you actually know that you're much better off without this awful man.

Original poster
banjenjan · 15/05/2018 11:22

Your right I think. I miss the company, the affection the feeling of being in a relationship. I craved it and I was obviously willing to overlook things to have it. He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and propose to me next year. It all sounds ridiculous now but I got carried away. When I left my abusive husband two years ago he took his own life. Me and my children have been to hell and back over this but thankfully we got through it with the help of great friends and family. Thank you for all your words of wisdom. I am going to look into the woman's freedom program

OP posts:
Juells · 15/05/2018 11:30

When I left my abusive husband two years ago he took his own life.

The final way to abuse you.

Adora10 · 15/05/2018 11:50

What a shame for you but do not let this low life affect your future, put it to bed now, your tummy is indeed beautiful, as are you; him, well he's damaged goods beyond repair isn't he.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 15/05/2018 11:56

You were completely love bombed by the sound of it.
That alone is a massive red flag in my opinion.

expatkathleen · 15/05/2018 14:11

OP I really feel for you, I am in such a similar situation.

I've recently gone no-contact with my equivalent new guy (also following an abusive relationship) but am also struggling and do miss him. I do think it is good to see it written down in black and white, the things they've said/done, to refer back to if you start to waver. But you should feel really good about having walked away here, as Trulybadlydeeply says he thought you were an easy target, and you weren't, you've seen through him, and you've taken positive action, which means you are strong (much stronger than him!) Well done you.

FairyFace · 15/05/2018 14:20

Oh god OP so glad you aren't going to cave in, Please be strong, I know having the most hideous post baby belly going, its literally ruined and no matter how much weight I loose it wont look any different, my dh tells me it doesn't bother him and he loves my baby belly and kisses it even when I'm trying to hide it, lol. He says its lovely and soft haha, trying to make me feel better, when really it is terrible looking, compliments at the start are great but unless they can stay that way, he will totally ruin what ever self esteem you have. You will meet someone good, don't worry. Maybe it is your low self esteem that draws you towards these types ? x

Original poster
banjenjan · 15/05/2018 15:49

Think this has all ripped open some old wounds of mine. One minute I'm ok and then 5 minutes later I'm looking out the window crying. I have even wondered did I make too much of the message he sent and that maybe he deserves a second chance. Thankfully some part of my brain must still be working as I still have him blocked

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 15/05/2018 16:27

Keep that part of your brain working lass.

LanaorAna2 · 15/05/2018 16:32

Yuk, what a horrible little man. You're well out of that, love.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 15/05/2018 16:32

No second chances ..absolutely not.

Pavlova31 · 15/05/2018 16:40

You are being so brave Op.
Stand your ground what he said was so nasty and as said above please look into the Freedom Project . Can't recommend it highly enough and yes you can do it online !
Brew Cake Flowers

Pavlova31 · 15/05/2018 16:42

Yes whatever you do keep him blocked 👍🏻

eggncress · 15/05/2018 17:17

He wants a second chance to try get you hooked on him some more before he starts the abuse again. Then it will be even harder to leave and you will be stuck in abusive relationship number 2. Stick to your decision!

SoleBizzz · 15/05/2018 17:23

You know what to do. You need to take responsibility for your own behaviour, actions and self esteem. Congratulations! See it through.

looondonn · 15/05/2018 17:35

oh my lord what a loser

you will be so much better off

been in a fair few abusive relationships - chronic low self esteem
I was with one guy who was well over weight - 17stone
he used to give me such a hard time about being a size 12 - always said he was so ashamed to be seen with me etc

some men just dont know what they are saying so ignore his words about your figure

hope everything works out ok - luckily you have dodged a bullet there

looondonn · 15/05/2018 17:36

no second chances - no way
sorry - do not
think of your life and please value yourself

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