Am I overreacting?

[GoodbyeSunshine]

I’ve name changed for this.
I’ve been in my first intimate relationship after a long and emotionally abusive marriage.
After we had sex I made a light hearted comment which he decided to take offence at. It really was trivial- I can’t remember even exactly now.
He then picked his belt up and threatened to hit me with it unless I apologised.
This is a few days ago and I can’t get it out of my head. He says he would never hurt me and was joking, but I felt really intimidated. My gut is telling me to finish the whole thing, but have I just ‘lost my sense of humour’ as he suggested? He threw something which hit me and hurt a while back and dismissed it as he wasn’t aiming at me. I believed him at the time, but now I’m not so sure.
Now I’ve written this down I think I know what I’d say if someone else told me this.

You know the answer - RUN as fast as you can.
What kind of person threatens to hit someone with a belt.

No you aren't over reacting.....run, and run fast!

Part company.

Even if one had a been a joke and the other a mistake, do you really want that sort of humour and cackhandedness?

Holy shit run for the hills, on two counts - unless you were offensive with the joke (I doubt) then his reaction is red flag #1.

Threatening violence is #2 and a fucking huge one. The only sense of humour failure I can see is his own. Bin off and look after yourself.

You know the answer. You are NOT overreacting. LTB. Work on yourself and your boundaries. Abusive men can quickly pick out vulnerable women

He sounds horrid. So he totally overreacted to something you said and threatened to hit you with his belt?

Bin him. Today.

End it

It might well be a joke, but if so his sense of humor is in no way compatible with your circumstances. You are just learning to trust someone again and this won't help.

DH and I quite often threaten each other with horrible things and death by ..... , BUT we have been together 30 years and trust each other implicitly and neither of us has ever been abusive. We are able to appreciate the humor.

The number 1 rule is, it is only funny if both parties are amused.

I'm not experienced in this but it sounds like he's testing your boundaries. He sounds like bad news and I'd block him.

The thing with the belt MIGHT have been a cack-handed joke, but it's a very un-funny one and it would have made me very uncomfortable. It's not the kind of sense of humour that I can relate to at all.

The thing about throwing - Nah! People who throw things shouldn't be tolerated. At all. Ever.

Trust your instincts and get rid.

No you were not overreacting at all. It seems like you've simply gone from one abusive relationship into another one that is also abusive in nature.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Do not see him ever again. I would now block and delete this individual and work on your own self more. If you have not enrolled yourself onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid I would suggest you do this asap and complete this before dating again. You need time and space to heal yourself particularly after an abusive marriage. Love your own self for a change.

The fact you need to ask is very worrying.
Dump him fast.
Block, ignore and delete from everything!
Do not ignore the huge red flags waving in your face for the sake of having 'a man'!!!
He is NOT a man.
He is a bully and this will escalate.

Did you get DV support after your previously abusive relationship?
Did you do the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid?

How could it ever possibly be funny to threaten to hit someone with a belt? Better get out now, because it'll be for real next time.

Yes, I thought so.
I don’t know how else to work on myself. I have not been desperate for another relationship, I’ve waited a few years since my marriage split up. Maybe I’d just be safer staying single.

Not normal OP!!! I have never been threatened with a belt (joke or otherwise) nor has my partner ever thrown anything. These are not normal behaviours. You need to get out of this relationship asap.

Run,Forest, run

Have you had specialist counselling?
How did you find the Freedom Programme?
Have you read Lundy Bancroft book?

Freedom programme isn’t available where I live- I’ll look at the on-line version. I have done a lot of reading since my marriage ended. Clearly hasn’t done the job.
I feel disappointed in myself. Thank you.

Yeah he’s testing your boundaries.

Send him a text and tell him you don’t think you’re ready for a relationship and don’t think it will work and good luck.

If he makes a pest out of himself be more firm.

I wouldn’t continue with this relationship if I was you.

Yes, he's a knob but don't be too hard on yourself, you're not responsible for his insensitive stupidity.
I met DH at work so knew him as a colleague first. I met my ex via a hobby and again got to know him as a friend first. Just focus on enjoying your life and view any men you meet just as friends rather than lovers. Keep them at a distance until you get to know them a lot better.

You are not over reacting, you are under reacting.

I don't think you should feel disappointed in yourself, you've spotted this and flagged it early.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

You have no reason to feel disappointed in yourself. You’ve thought about it, asked for advice and realised it wasn’t right. Good for you. It’s so easy to get sucked into abusive relationships and the fact that you are questioning his behaviour is good. You’ve realised yourself that you need to end it. Feel proud of yourself, not disappointed.

The throwing something was a boundary test. This belt incident is a boundary test. It's good that you're recognising it and ready to get the hell out of Dodge.

Don't be disappointed in yourself, be disappointed in him!!!

It's not your fault. That's what you need to learn.