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Original poster

Do men move on faster than women, and if so, why?

30 replies

bakerstreet101 · 13/05/2018 23:47

It is my experience that they do, and anecdotally what I hear from others.

Within 4 months of my Mum’s death, my Dad was interested in someone else and they have now been together for 10 years.

Nano seconds after our separation, my ex got together with someone else. Really nano-seconds Sad.

What does it mean - did my ex really not give a shit in the first place, so moving on was easy?

OP posts:
eightfacesofthemoon · 13/05/2018 23:51

Perhaps better at compartmentalising.
That part of my life is over, this is my new life?
But I know lots of men who have struggled more to get over someone that the women they were with.

UserV · 14/05/2018 00:10

I just don't think men find it easy to be alone. They need to be with a woman.

Women can function very well without a man, men struggle without women. They need them.

onanotherday · 14/05/2018 00:17

Often men that leave a relationship have checked out and emotionally..long before their partner realises. So when they meet someone else it seems quickHmm

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 14/05/2018 00:20

I think this is generalising. My mum died 20 years ago, my dad hasn’t looked at anyone since. I left my husband and met someone 2 months later. I think this is just due to humans being different in how they attach, not a male/female issue

Penyu · 14/05/2018 01:08

This is absolutely my experience too. My stbxh and I separated 6 weeks ago. He’d shagged someone at the pub after 3 weeks and now he’s on dating apps and sharing photos of the new women he’s having sex with to mutual male friends.
We live in a very small community so it is very indiscreet and he looks a bit of a middle-aged tit for it. I am just trying to ride it out.
Meeting someone new the last thing in my mind right now.🤔

Olicity17 · 14/05/2018 05:02

I think its more to do with individual personality traits. Rather than what sex you are.

I met someone really quickly after I seperated from my husband. I put everything into fixing our marriage. But he continued to do what he wanted and treat me like shit. Emotionally, my marriage was over well before I actually left. I knew I had tried my best to work on the marriage and then when I realised there was no fixing it, I managed to disconnect while I got everything in order to leave. But thats how I have always been. I will give everything to the people I love, but once someone has pushed me to far I can disconnect and walk away. Once I have made a decision to move on, I do it.

It doesnt really bother me what other people think. Both me and ex know our marriage was over long ago. When we seperated, I became free to do as I wanted. Ex hasnt met someone yet, but I suppose he expected that I would keep putting up with the half life I had. He never dreamed that I would be strong enough to walk away. So its taken him more time to come to terms with it.

I know people of both sexes who have lost their partner and moved on quickly.

Beaverhurdle · 14/05/2018 05:06

I totally agree with olicity. I spent so long trying so hard to save our marriage that when it finally dawned on me i was wasting my time a wall came down and that was it. I didnt plan to meet someone new so quickly but i did and i thought why let husband waste even more of my time?

OssomMummy1 · 14/05/2018 05:20

My conclusion is promiscuity is rampant among men your family. I separated from my ex 6 years ago. Went to the court for security of our only DD. He won the case because I was not working then and was dependent on him. I have moved on in life now and remarried. He struggled with a two years old and never had time free to look at another woman. I used to get frequent calls about looking after girls! He has realised his mistakes. Better late than never. DD now spends alternate weekends with me to give him a break. She also gets to learn what is a mother! He still is single happy with his pals, his golf, his garden and his junkyard called man cave! But I secretly adore and also jealous of him because he has looked after our DD so well, she is the centre of his universe and DD doesn't tolerate one bad word about him from my mouth at the age of eight years! So, please don't paint everyone with the same brush. Women are no saints either. I can give you so many examples where they have abused their children after separation, both physically and emotionally.

Original poster
bakerstreet101 · 14/05/2018 05:48

My conclusion is promiscuity is rampant among men your family.

Confused absolutely not the case.

Women are no saints either. I can give you so many examples where they have abused their children after separation, both physically and emotionally.

please don't paint everyone with the same brush

Abuse did not come into my post, and has no connection with how fast people move on.

I wasn’t saying that men are bad, I was asking if others agreed that they seem to move on more quickly when relationships end for whatever reason.

My ex is not a nice person, but that’s a different matter.

I am just trying to ride it out.
Meeting someone new the last thing in my mind right now.

That’s exactly how I feel. I had to endure weeks of living in the same house as him and hearing him make very long and very late phone calls to the new person. Having showers getting ready to go out. Now that he has more or less moved out, I at least don’t have to really be party to what he is up to Angry. This was very painful but he is so self-absorbed, he won’t even have been aware of how much he was hurting me maybe.

I think this is just due to humans being different in how they attach, not a male/female issue

What different styles of attachment do you think they might have?

OP posts:
OutingMyDog · 14/05/2018 05:54

My conclusion is promiscuity is rampant among men your family.

Wtaf kind of thing is that to say to someone based on one post on a message board?!

Sally2791 · 14/05/2018 06:02

I agree with Olicity. I gave it my all but once I realised that however much I cared it would change nothing I gave up. He thought he was such a good catch that I would put up with him for ever. Although he is dating I suspect he has not moved on emotionally. I think he still resents having lost control of me

Donthugmeimscared · 14/05/2018 06:20

I think it's personality my mum was in a relationship 3 months after my dad died. She can't seem to stand being on her own. It was hard for us but it's how she is.

Gohackyourself · 14/05/2018 06:49

I wonder if it’s because they get more free time? It’s usually the mums that have custody of the kids an so add that to working etc they don’t have the same free time to go out looking for new people? Certainly was the case for ex dh an I. I also work in a male dominant job and have witnessed that scenario.

It’s funny because I had same conversation with dp last night that men seem to find it difficult to be on own for lengths of time.But equally his ex wife is just the same, indeed she seems to line them up as her relationships hit the rocks and jumps ship rapidly.my only wonder is how the children feel because they have witnessed 3 big split ups from partners living with them for few years at a time an they are not teens yet.

WheelyCote · 14/05/2018 06:49

Yep this is familiar here too

fannycraddock72 · 14/05/2018 06:58

I agree with this that say it more a personality trait than one of gender. I think people who are insecure tend to ‘need’ to have to have someone to be with.

I work with someone who had an affair, which ultimately ended her 20 year marriage when her husband found out. Three months later her AP was killed in a car crash, so in three months she’s lost her husband and AP who she claimed was the ‘love of her life and her soul mate’. After taking 4 days off work she returned to announce that she had signed up for plenty of fish!? Because she couldn’t be alone.

I think there’s a lot more awareness around personality disorders and personality traits such a narcissism. I think statistics show that there are men than women who display these traits, but I think there are more and more women who have these traits but are perhaps more subtle. These people need a supply of attention and lack empathy which usually means they ‘discard’ their old supply for a new one very quickly. It’s like a drug to them, they need that supply otherwise they can’t function.

disappearingninepatch · 14/05/2018 07:41

I think men are more polarised in their behaviour. I have observed men who move on quickly following the death of a DW of many years but some men (like my FIL and an uncle) turn their homes into a shrine to their wife and idealise her following her death.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 14/05/2018 07:49

I moved on quicker than my ex. I had been very much over the relationship and not in love with him for a few years, when I found out he was having an affair it was the push I needed. At that point I realised I felt nothing for him, his affair didn't hurt me, I felt relief.

He on the other hand spent months telling me how in love he was with her despite me not giving a shite. I'd met my now dh 6 weeks after he moved out.
When my ex's love affair turned to shit he thought he could walk back into my life but I was already over it and had moved on.
It shook him and he spent the next 2 years making my life a misery.
So no I don't think it's just men and it very much depends on circumstances and individuals.

PhonixK · 14/05/2018 10:28

My husband left me about 8 weeks ago and he's now seeing my best friend has been for at least 4 weeks. I didn't think I was ready to move on but knowing what they are doing makes it easier for me to forget him. I wouldn't say I was ready for a new relationship but I am ready to live my life and if that means I meet a man then so be it.

2018Anon · 14/05/2018 10:43

My ex started seeing his previous ex before he even moved out of the family home. I genuinely think its to do with men struggling more on their own. Its like they feel they must be with someone. I don't think all men are like this, but it does seem way more common in men.
Maybe men think its the best way to get over a break-up?

SandyY2K · 14/05/2018 10:44

I think it's individuals really. A friend of mine was upset her dad got a new partner when her mum died. They were married for over 50 years and he had a new lady in less than a year.

eightfacesofthemoon · 14/05/2018 11:02

Some people just can’t be alone. Which is pretty unhealthy in itself

HoHoHoHo · 14/05/2018 11:05

I don't think moving on quickly is necessarily a bad thing. We paint it out to be but you only get one life and limited time.

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 14/05/2018 11:13

Not all men do but in my experience they have haha! But actually when I think about it it was the appearance of moving on rather than actual moving on.... In my case then men immediately got new sexual partners but quickly went through them and although seemed happy and relieved to be 'free' at first, eventually settled into sadness.
This happened after the end of two long term relationships of mine where I was initially appalled at how fast they moved on. Looking back though it was just that they didnt take time to think about the emotional effect it had on them, they just got on with things... which just meant they had to face the fallout later.

I mean the last long term relationship I was in ended after three years of living together and he was with another woman days afterwards.... I was single for a year but then met my now husband and we have been married five years now and are about to have our second child....
My ex however has been through about 30 women in this time and no relationship he has had has lasted more than a few months.

I think just because someone appears to move on quickly does not mean they actually have dealt with anything at all!

RhubarbTea · 14/05/2018 11:58

I think just because someone appears to move on quickly does not mean they actually have dealt with anything at all!

Yeah - this, basically. Moving on and actually dealing with grief, the end of a relationship etc are very different things.

Gohackyourself · 14/05/2018 12:49

I read somewhere that “alledgely” the quicker they move on the more it shows their hurting from it, move on quickly to forget the pain/emotional thing by focusing on something new Hmm

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