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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me get angry

33 replies

looksfamiliar · 13/05/2018 22:25

Because I keep being told this is all my fault... been with STBXP for 18 years and we have 2 small DCs.

After us not getting on for a couple of years he has decided I'm not worth the bother, despite me supporting him financially while he messed round being 'self employed' since this time. We have a jointly owned home which I paid the deposit for and for which he has not paid into the mortgage for a year and a half. He doesn't put any of his money in the joint account except to top up so I have no idea what he earns. I have confronted him about this but he just calls me neurotic, controlling etc. Says he can't be with 'someone like me'..

Now we are separating and he wants to sell the house and split everything 50/50 and I feel totally stitched up because it's the children's home but as we are not married this may not mean anything. He is out for what he can get even though I told him I would buy him out if I could. He also wants the kids 50/50 with a part time work lifestyle.

I asked him today is this was really what he wanted and he said, as usual that there was no other way because I hadn't fought hard enough for him. He has been sleeping in another bed on and off for nearly a year. DC1 is 2 and DS2 is 4 months.

I am on STP now and dependent on him so on the one hand I want him to go but on the other I need him. He spends a lot of time with toddler which is a big help, but the baby only wants me.

I am slowly beginning to accept that he really doesn't love me anymore, and this is really hard because even though I took him for granted a lot I thought he loved our children enough and knew me well enough before having children with me to stick with me through the early years of parenting.

He withdraw emotional support throughout the pregnancy but has up until now been hedging his bets and giving me false hope. I don't know if I really love him anymore after what he has done, he's become a horrible cynical person and was still trying to pressure me into sex throughout all of this. I don't know why I still want him, he has stonewalled, gaslighted and coerced me for many years, but I am just so hurt and feel like I should have done more to save our family. I'm an I idiot I know.

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 13/05/2018 22:29

Anything is better than living a life like this :(

Original poster
looksfamiliar · 14/05/2018 06:55

Thank you Lulu, I know this will be for the best eventually but it feels a long way off... I am getting more angry now, perhaps I just need some strength.

Any other vipers want to pitch in? Sad

OP posts:
Sharpandshineyteeth · 14/05/2018 07:07

This sounds awful!! You will probably never get over him not supporting you during pregnancy. You will 100% be better off without him.

Rainboho · 14/05/2018 07:10

Is the house in both your names? Tenants in common or joint tenants?

Rainboho · 14/05/2018 07:15

To summarise what I get from your post (because I have the benefit of cold hard distance) he is a feckless man baby who cannot bear that he doesn’t have all your attention anymore now you have children, he undermines and belittles you, he doesn’t provide for his family, thinks you still owe him sex when everything you’ve said here makes him sound as appealing as a dishcloth and he is happy to take your money, claim half the deposit as his own and blame all his shitheadedness on you.

You are going to be better off without him. You’re doing it already. Frankly, my lovely, he’s a cunt.

Bananamanfan · 14/05/2018 07:22

Stay put, op. You have a 4mo baby and you need to stay where you are. He can leave if he wants to. See a solicitor to find out what your options are.

Singlenotsingle · 14/05/2018 07:23

Sounds like he's just bored, wants out but wants you to take the blame. "Didn't fight hard enough for him" indeed! CF! You need to get a solicitors advice re the house. Obvs you would be in a stronger position if you were married but at least the children will be entitled to maintenance money.

Original poster
looksfamiliar · 14/05/2018 07:27

Rainbow we jointly own the property. When we bought it he said 'you know if you asked me to go I will' in other words I could trust him.

Now it's 'I've got nowhere to go, I need a place to see the kids so we have to sell'...

My poor dad worked hard all his life to leave me an inheritance just for somebody like him to come along and take it from me.

He has no remorse and says it's not what he wants but there's no other way as I'm impossible to live with.

OP posts:
Original poster
looksfamiliar · 14/05/2018 07:31

Yes Single, how hard can you fight for someone when you're looking after a toddler and pregnant/ breastfeeding?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 14/05/2018 07:32

If you bought it as unmarrieds, presumably you bought it as tenants in common? You might have bought it in unequal shares, or hopefully you had declaration of trust draw n up to protect your deposit? You certainly would have been advised to. Check it out

Alwayscommuting · 14/05/2018 07:36

You sound like my mum. About 22 years ago.
It will be hard but once you're clear of him you'll see that things are better. They'll be better for your kids too as they'll be able to see you as a strong woman who takes care of herself rather than a possible belief that they should settle. You've got this. I'd seek legal advice about the house.

Rainboho · 14/05/2018 07:36

Single is right. Check your documents.

Time to start saying no to him.

Original poster
looksfamiliar · 14/05/2018 07:43

No I trusted him, we are joint tenants, no statement of trust, he said he would leave if I asked him too...

He has no shame.

OP posts:
Original poster
looksfamiliar · 14/05/2018 07:44

Sorry joint owners.

OP posts:
numptynuts · 14/05/2018 07:48

But your children are young? Can he force you to sell? Get legal advice ASAP Thanks

userabcname · 14/05/2018 07:51

Definitely get legal advice - I know someone who was told they couldn't be forced to sell until children are 18 but obviously you need to check for your own situation.

Quartz2208 · 14/05/2018 07:57

Get legal advice you need to do this that way

Beaverhausen · 14/05/2018 08:03

OP with regards to selling your house and he getting 50%, leave it with your solicitors. As long as you can prove you paid the deposit and that you have been paying most of the mortgage it will be decided by the solicitors what he is entitled too and by the courts.

So tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.

And by the way do not get angry, get even. If he wants money make sure he gets as little as possible. As long as you have the bank account proof of paying bills etc he will not have a leg to stand on.

A friend of mine went through the same thing last year and her husband was left embarrassed, he got 16% from the sale of their house.

do not let a waste of space like that get you down, it might not seem it now but there is so much fun and happiness waiting for you down the road with your Darling Kiddies.

Original poster
looksfamiliar · 14/05/2018 08:29

Thanks so much Beaver.

The problem is that because we never married it might get messy over the house. The court costs could get silly just to argue over what may be a small %. I fear he might have me over a barrel.

OP posts:
Cawfee · 14/05/2018 09:11

Go see a solicitor ASAP. You aren’t married and I’m pretty sure that if you can prove (bank statements) that you paid the deposit that money has to come back to you from any profits. Also, you need to go check the rules on staying in the house as you have a 4 month old. He’s a total dickhead and you need him gone. He’s bringing you down. Go get advice. Also, now you are separated and living separately (sleeping in different rooms) you can and should claim all the benefits. Childbenefit, tax credits, reduction on council tax. You can do this before he physically leaves because you are separated. Seeing a solicitor is proof of that

Cawfee · 14/05/2018 09:12

As for court costs...you have to go to mediation first so it might not even get that far.

Cawfee · 14/05/2018 09:13

Also look at the Rights for Women website. They have a free legal advice helpline running every evening but if you can, find somebody local to get an hours worth of advice about your house deposit. You also want a “deed of separation” drawn up

Singlenotsingle · 14/05/2018 09:20

Well first step is to get it valued so you know how much equity there is, and how much you could afford to pay him to get the house transferred into your sole name. He might prefer to accept a smaller sum now rather than have to go to court and maybe wait years.

category12 · 14/05/2018 09:23

Get some legal advice. It doesn't mean court costs yet, just get advice: once you have the knowledge of what your position is exactly, you're in a far stronger position to negotiate with him. He'll just be blustering and gaslighting as usual, assuming you'll fold like always.

Original poster
looksfamiliar · 14/05/2018 09:34

Some great advice here guys, thank you so much! I had a rough idea of the legal side but not the court process.

I think it's reasonable to offer to buy him out or settle, but he's willing to upheave us all because he's worried he'll 'have to work full time and not get to spend any time with (his) kids'

Angry
OP posts:
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