Help me get angry

[looksfamiliar]

Because I keep being told this is all my fault... been with STBXP for 18 years and we have 2 small DCs.

After us not getting on for a couple of years he has decided I'm not worth the bother, despite me supporting him financially while he messed round being 'self employed' since this time. We have a jointly owned home which I paid the deposit for and for which he has not paid into the mortgage for a year and a half. He doesn't put any of his money in the joint account except to top up so I have no idea what he earns. I have confronted him about this but he just calls me neurotic, controlling etc. Says he can't be with 'someone like me'..

Now we are separating and he wants to sell the house and split everything 50/50 and I feel totally stitched up because it's the children's home but as we are not married this may not mean anything. He is out for what he can get even though I told him I would buy him out if I could. He also wants the kids 50/50 with a part time work lifestyle.

I asked him today is this was really what he wanted and he said, as usual that there was no other way because I hadn't fought hard enough for him. He has been sleeping in another bed on and off for nearly a year. DC1 is 2 and DS2 is 4 months.

I am on STP now and dependent on him so on the one hand I want him to go but on the other I need him. He spends a lot of time with toddler which is a big help, but the baby only wants me.

I am slowly beginning to accept that he really doesn't love me anymore, and this is really hard because even though I took him for granted a lot I thought he loved our children enough and knew me well enough before having children with me to stick with me through the early years of parenting.

He withdraw emotional support throughout the pregnancy but has up until now been hedging his bets and giving me false hope. I don't know if I really love him anymore after what he has done, he's become a horrible cynical person and was still trying to pressure me into sex throughout all of this. I don't know why I still want him, he has stonewalled, gaslighted and coerced me for many years, but I am just so hurt and feel like I should have done more to save our family. I'm an I idiot I know.

Don’t make any offers until you’ve had legal advice. Get it valued and take details of the deposit you paid to a solicitor. You might find the increase in value is cancelled out by the deposit amount. So he might just have to transfer over to you. He has a responsibility to house his children. This isn’t all on you. Children’s needs come first, not his.

It hurts now but give it a few years and you’ll feel better. Living like you are right now with pain hurt an accusations is probably effecting both your physical and mental health. The first year after he goes will be hard but every year after you’ll find it more peaceful and easier.

Go and get your ducks in order but talking to a solicitor and thinking through contact etc and what you want. You might be tempted to aim for revenge but you’re going to have to co-parent so smile nod, be polite but firm and have a mantra of what would be best for the kids.

Wishing you love and peace in the future

OP trust me your solicitors can deal with it all for you and scare the holy crap out of him. Do not give him 50% if anything you can have an interim court appearance.

I guarantee you that the judge will give you the keys to the house and ask him to move out until a settlement is reached which could take years.

As you are seen as the main carer and breadwinner there is no way you would be asked to leave the house or support him financially.

He will just have to pull up his big boys pants and actually go out and earn a living.

Or you could do what my sister in law did get an court order banning him from the house due to his unreasonable behaviour and have the locks changed.

Also it is very important that you get all your financial documents together, birth certificates, passports and lock them away somewhere safely where he wont get his grubby little paws on them.

And ensure that any agreements or disagreements are done via email or text that way you have proof if needed. Do not agree to anything verbally. if need be get your solicitor to deal with it all that way all your bases are covered.

Be very careful, he comes across as a very slimy little worm.

I did say a while back I would buy him out if I could, but selling was a last resort.

I've told him I don't want to discuss it with him anymore as we can't agree and he is a very pressuring person who is keeping a close eye on me. Thank goodness for ADs or I would have cracked by now!

He's always right, always the good guy, always the hero...

I've told him he doesn't get to say what goes anymore.

You have children. He can’t force you to sell. Stay put, agree to nothing and get a solicitor. If he wants to leave, then finding a place to stay is his problem.

I went through similar and my solicitor very confidently assured me that there was not a court in the land who would force me to sell. I ended up buying him out, with a figure a few thousand over his mortgage contributions. He blew the lot.

Yes I imagine he will blow whatever he gets like he did with his redundancy money