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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In competition with his adult child?

48 replies

HennaTattoo · 13/05/2018 19:39

So...seeing a guy for a few months. Ready to be told I'm unreasonable...He has a daughter who lives with him, she is a late teen. I've not met her. They are constantly texting, sending silly pics, they socialise together, him with her friends ( yes really) and he takes her out with his. Before you say it's a wife or he's cheating..no it's definately his daughter. It's all " in jokes" and his phone is pinging and ringing at any hour constantly. He always gets it and responds. They seem absolutely obsessed with each other. Am I being silly here? Just for context, in the amount of time it took us to ehem get" intimate" which wasn't that long to dtd, he had 12 pics sent and 6 messages from her.... Thoughts? Ditch and run? Or normal??..and yes he reached for the phone immediately afterwards

OP posts:

Racecardriver · 13/05/2018 19:41

Well I think it is nice that they are so close and I think that it weird to view it as a competition.

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2018 19:50

Ditch.

mastershelp · 13/05/2018 19:57

I think you need to walk away OP until you are ready to be in a relationship with someone with a child. Viewing it a s s 'competition' is so immature. I don't mean that in a nasty way btw, but I can't see things going well do an the line of you're already feeling threatened by her existence.

LynetteScavo · 13/05/2018 19:57

I wouldn't say it's competition, but it's very full on...if it was work or his mother it would still be too much.

It won't change...the question is how much it bothers you.

Imstickingwiththisone · 13/05/2018 20:01

He goes out with her friends and she goes out with him and his friends? Very odd. I think I would step away from a relationship in this predicament but ultimately it would depend how you feel about him. All the texting would irritate me regardless of who it was from

RandomMess · 13/05/2018 20:06

I know a guy a bit like this, really he's after his DDs friends...

Branleuse · 13/05/2018 20:07

I think thats pretty full on, and whilst not saying its dodgy or anything, its far more than usual, and if its annoying now, its not going to get any better.

Im pretty close with my 17 year old and we tag each other in memes etc and go out for lunch etc, but I think what youre describing sounds more intrusive

Dvg · 13/05/2018 20:10

I would find that wierd :s me and my parents are very close and often go for lunch or dinner or out for the day but we don't message eachother all the time... I have a life.

NameChangeCuzImAHorriblePerson · 13/05/2018 20:11

I probably text my mum that much. We have a group chat and send memes all day basically.

Original poster

HennaTattoo · 13/05/2018 20:13

It really is constant though. I have kids too before I get those comments..And I know it's great to be close but really? They cuddle in bed too watching tv. She gives him massages.He adores her and she idolises him. I'm just feeling like the other woman tbh.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2018 20:15

Ditch and run. Fast.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2018 20:16

And my family messages loads. I check in and catch up a couple of times a day. I don’t look at my phone while shagging my husband or immediately afterwards.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/05/2018 20:22

Ditch very very fast.

Original poster

HennaTattoo · 13/05/2018 20:28

Can I just ask..why do you think they are like this? He says its 100% normal, non negotiable. We had a row over it. We were talking about a problem I had unrelated to this, I was kind of crying on his shoulder, he was listening, I was upset and lo and behold off goes the phone, and he's on it.I lost it. I walked out. We had words and that's what he said..She's his "baby" always will be..couldn't figure why I was mad

OP posts:

Barbaro · 13/05/2018 20:32

That sounds like a really weird relationship.. What father hangs out with his daughter and her friends? Unless was he very young when he had her and they are actually not far apart in age?

RebelRogue · 13/05/2018 20:38

Weird or not...ditch. It won't get any better and it's pointless to be un "competition " with someone's kid. Not to mention,regardless of how reasonable some of your requests will be , you will be painted as a bitch. Life's too short and to put it nicely,you are not compatible.

boilerhouse2007 · 13/05/2018 20:39

''They cuddle in bed too watching tv. She gives him massages.''

jesus this is too far, there is a boundary. A massage is ok i suppose if she is standing ofcourse and he has his clothes on but for them to be cuddling in bed is just way inappropriate. Reminds me all of that ep of friends where rachael's new bf has the very close relationship with his sister.

RandomMess · 13/05/2018 20:39

Sounds like spousification.

Original poster

HennaTattoo · 13/05/2018 20:40

he's 43 she's 19 . She has a mum btw but can't be bothered with her mum. It's all dad 24/7

OP posts:

Original poster

HennaTattoo · 13/05/2018 20:42

omg PP sorry dunno how to quote but yes to the friends thing!!! That's just like it. I have both daughter n son's. Not as old but ffs they would go ape if I did this, and we are close but...

OP posts:

boilerhouse2007 · 13/05/2018 20:43

''Just for context, in the amount of time it took us to ehem get" intimate" which wasn't that long to dtd, he had 12 pics sent and 6 messages from her.... Thoughts? Ditch and run? Or normal??..and yes he reached for the phone immediately afterwards''

right this too is very weird and creepy. Before, during and after intimacy the last person I want to be near is communication with is my mum or dad as that is just too weird. That time is for me and the partner and I don't even want to have thought of people like my parents or siblings in these times. If i got a text of my mum [unless an emergency] i'd ignore it to later on.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 13/05/2018 20:59

regardless of how reasonable some of your requests will be , you will be painted as a bitch I agree. It doesn't matter if their relationship is ok or OTT, the fact that you can't even have an emotional conversation without it being interrupted by his pinging phone (regardless of who is texting) speaks volumes about him. And when you try to talk to him about it he doesn't want to hear it and gets defensive. This is your life now. Forever! He's told you she'll always be his baby so listen.

Sounds like a total lack of boundaries to me - I can't imagine ever wanting to massage my dad (bluergh!) or hang out in his bed. Although I know not everyone feels like this. My DP's two DDs hang out in his bed in the evenings watching TV or playing games together, but as his room is downstairs it's not really an effort to go into his room, it's like a second lounge, so I don't think that's weird per se. But I do find it uncomfortable, like there's no place for me because he already has his life partner(s) and I'm the outsider. It's hard.

It is a tricky one with divorced dads - especially dads of girls. It seems like they're either distant and uninvolved or totally over the top and 'spousifying' their DDs, why can't more of them just have a normal boundaried parental relationship!?

SandyY2K · 13/05/2018 21:08

It's not normal. Cuddling in bed with your teen DD is a step too far.

I imagine previous relationships have ended because of this.

Run...Fast ...away from the dysfunction.

Toasttea · 13/05/2018 21:15

I think it’s nice they are close but I agree it’s quite full on. They meet each other’s friends and go out together? A little odd.

MyAuntyBadger · 13/05/2018 21:17

Cuddle in bed? Massage? That's really weird and creepy. I'd run and I wouldn't look back op.

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