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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help need urgent advice about my relationship

32 replies

Jellytots454 · 13/05/2018 17:29

Delete if this isn’t allowed but just wondered if I could ask you lovely lot some unbiased advice please? I’ve been with my partner a year but it has been a little up and down and I’ve had doubts. Sometimes things are great but we argue frequently. Like this morning... things got quite heated and he got in my face and shouted at me etc . He has never hit or hurt me physically. However, he refused to leave my house and in the end I called the police to have him removed. I realise it went too far but I’m left wondering what to do about 1) our relationship and 2) our holiday. We are booked to go abroad at the end of July. If I cancel now we lose our £200 deposit and get the rest back. In 9 days time we start losing more as the holiday gets closer. I was so cross and upset this morning I loaded the website up to cancel but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it as I’ve so been looking forward to going!
Sorry, know it’s not ideal posting in here but I just wondered what people think from an outsiders perspective and what you would do. I don’t have many friends to talk to and wondered if you could share your wisdom and help me decide what’s the right thing to do. Please be kind xxx

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 13/05/2018 17:31

Who paid for the holiday and into whose back does the refund go?

theboud · 13/05/2018 17:32

Life is too short to be with someone you have to call the police to remove.

Cancel the holiday. Consider the lost deposit a ‘bastard removal fee’ and move on with your life. You deserve more than this.

Somersetlady · 13/05/2018 17:32

Money is not important in these circumstances.

Cancel the holiday and split up with your partner.

Graphista · 13/05/2018 17:32

Ltb - him being so aggressive so early on is a MASSIVE red flag.

Holiday - either find someone else to take his place or yours or consider it worth it to get rid.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2018 17:34

Being so scared you had to call the police is pretty bad OP Sad

I’d cancel the holiday or see if you can go with afriend instead if that would be possible.

And I’d walk away from the relationship. The first year should be a blur of hearts and flowers, not lows like you describe and threats and shouting.

How happy can you be with someone who treats you so badly? You don’t feel safe and that’s a very good reason to end it now and find someone who is kind to you. Not beating you doesn’t mean his actions are acceptable.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/05/2018 17:37

Pressed too soon.
I know money isn't important but it affects the practicalities.

Either way you have to cancel the holiday and your relationship.

If it's into yours is pack up anything he had at yours, plus half the money (assuming you paid equally) and tell him it will be outside yours / his at X time.

If its in his, can you still cancel it? Or would it need to be him? If you're able to cancel it then do so but accept you might not get any money back from him.

There's nothing stopping you booking a cheap holiday on your own

FissionChips · 13/05/2018 17:38

If it’s you who paid then I’d go by myself or take a friend. If it’s him who paid then cancel and walk away

Singlenotsingle · 13/05/2018 17:42

Alarm bells are ringing. Ignore them at your peril, it will only get worse. Cancel the holiday and cancel the man.

Original poster
Jellytots454 · 13/05/2018 17:42

Hi all thanks for your quick responses. The holiday is in my name and we split the cost equally. We would both lose £200. unfortunately I don’t have many friends and those I do have can’t afford to pay what it cost £830 to pay his half/pay him off. I’m consiering cancelling it and putting the money towards my fencing in my back garden which would ease the strain financially for the money I’m trying to get together for that.

Just feels so final to cancel the holiday, I don’t have many friends and feel like it was my chance of a break away that I was so looking forward to. In my head I told myself I’d put up and get the holiday out of the way and then there’s nothing tying me to him. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellytots454 · 13/05/2018 17:47

Goes back into my account but I would of course transfer him his half back.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/05/2018 17:53

The holiday won’t be what you’re hoping for or needing as he’s not a nice man and you’re scared of him.

Please google the sunk costs fallacy.

Financially, going ahead with the holiday will be losing £200 but you already know what you could spend it on and splashing an additional £600+ on it is a bad idea.

Time wise, don’t waste you life on someone who’s threatening and awful to you. You deserve to feel safe, cared for, loved, valued.

starryskies78 · 13/05/2018 17:59

Please get out before you get any deeper into the relationship. It could just be the start of things and even if it's not, someone like this is still not good enough for you.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/05/2018 18:04

The holiday will either be:
An escalation of what has already happened but you'll be in a foreign country with unknown laws etc and so much more vulnerable. Harder to get away as you'll be sharing a room and you'll both likely be drinking more

Or

He'll be on best behaviour but you'll be tense, waiting for something to happen. Then it won't and you'll convince yourself its fine so you'll get home and stay. Then something will happen again and instead of leaving you'll tell yourself you'll just wait for X and this will go on and on, escalating and you being less and less able to leave.

Cancel the holiday and tell then you want to book something alone - they MAY let you transfer some of the deposit. If not, £600 is plenty for a week away on your own. Go somewhere lots of people speak English and you'll feel safe on your own and have an amazing time

sparklepops123 · 13/05/2018 18:11

Do you really want to be stuck on a holiday with him? Cancel the holiday, dump him and get the fence

2018Anon · 13/05/2018 18:32

I would also worry that he harbours resentment towards you for calling the police, even if he hasn't said as much. Do you want this resentment coming out on holiday when you are in an even more vulnerable position.
Please cancel the holiday.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/05/2018 18:40

This relationship is well and truly over. Do not take him back; what you've likely experienced as well from him (all these constant highs and lows) is the cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

I would also cancel the holiday and buy fencing instead.

FinallyHere · 13/05/2018 18:42

Going on holiday with him, sends him the message that, while you make a bit of a fuss at the time, ultimately you will put up with his behaviour and continue in the relationship as if nothing happened.

Is that the message you really want to send him? £200 seems like a bargain to get out of this relationship, before you have more at stake than £200, before you have children together.

Nanny0gg · 13/05/2018 19:01

If you need a holiday, there are loads out there for singles of all ages and interests.

Much more likely to be a success.

BettyBaggins · 13/05/2018 19:25

Cancel holiday. Never talk to him again. Decide on fence and a mini break somewhere YOU want to go! On you go now Wink

category12 · 13/05/2018 19:32

Cancel the holiday. Use the money you would have spent partly on your fence and partly on something else to look forward to.

You're at the stage of calling the police with this relationship, if that's not final, what on earth is?

ScabbyHorse · 13/05/2018 19:58

It just sounds like really hard work jellytots. Having lots of arguments is exhausting. And a holiday potentially brings things like that to a head. I'd be worried for your safety. I would put the money towards the fences. Kind of symbolic, in a way? Setting boundaries, it is your space?

treesaregreenandblue · 13/05/2018 20:54

Yeah, agree with everyone else x. Cancel now OP x.

eggncress · 13/05/2018 21:05

You did the right thing calling the police on him but he will resent you for it and you will have uncertainty on this holiday and in the relationship going forward.
Cancel him and cancel the holiday. Just because you don’t have many friends is not a reason to stay with him.Take a holiday by yourself or fix your fence if I were you

Sally2791 · 13/05/2018 21:10

Cancel and be glad you escaped

Mrskeats · 13/05/2018 21:14

I agree with everyone. Cancel it. I know it's annoying to lose the £200 but needing to call the police? This man will only bring you unhappiness. I speak from bitter experience. Use the rest of the money for your garden and a few treats.
Onward and upwards.