Haunted by his ex

[Lettinggooo]

I am I mean. They broke up over a year ago but she has been clinging on. He has been firm but kind in telling her that he is in a new relationship (with me) now but she still messages him and gets upset when he doesn’t respond.

I knew them when they were an item and actually came very close to having an affair with him as there has always been an incredible chemistry between us. But we were both in relationships at the time and neither of us wanted to start anything with a cheat.

I decided to end the relationship I was in as I realised that I wasn’t in love with my then partner. He hesitated when I told him and disappeared for a long time. Eventually he told me that he had a lot going on in his life and that he wasn’t able to be the right man for me. And chose to stay in his relationship.

I was pretty gutted but totally understood. I didn’t expect him to leave her and I certainly hadn’t ended my relationship thinking that we would be together.

Anyway, that was many years ago and we have remained friends though keeping a proper distance. I met someone else and was happily married for four years before my exDH cheated and broke my heart.

Since my divorce, this man and I have been getting closer again and he told me that his relationship was over. That he had made a mistake choosing her over me but it was what he thought was the right thing at the time.

I suggested we do nothing until he had sorted things out with his now ex so that things could start on a fresh slate. This was a year ago and we finally got together four months ago. And it has been the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole life. He is definitely the one.

But. I am haunted by his ex. Obviously she is part of his past and I am absolutely certain that he has no romantic feelings for her but she haunts me. I see her face, hear her voice all the time. I try to push her out of my mind but she is there. All the time.

I don’t know why this is happening. Has anyone experienced this and does it go away?

I’ve just realised what a huge post this is! Thank you for getting to the end if you’re still reading!

It sounds as though they were in a very long relationship, in which case it's not surprising she's not over it. A year really isn't very much time, especially if you've been betrayed - which let's face it, she has, with your connivance. And she almost certainly knows it wasn't the first time you'd interfered in their relationship. That uncomfortable feeling? It's guilt.

I feel your pain, she needs a reality check.

Just keep your counsel.

Schnitzel I don’t know what you mean by connivance. They were together six years. Never married. Are you saying that people should just stay together out of duty? Not love?

Thank you Soap.

When you say she's always ther are you talking about you hearing her in your mind? Or she's actually there?
If she's in /on your mind perhaps you're feeling a bit guilty? Doesn't sound like you need to unless there's things you've not mentioned?
If she's literally there then he needs to tell he to move on

Meh. It’s the price you pay

Okay technically speaking you did nothing wrong neither of you physically cheated. But “almost cheated” “obvious chemistry” etc screams emotional affair to me.

I’m sure she knew you were interfering back then. It’s only been a year. They have more history than you two and she’s never going to vanish off the earth.

But remind yourself - if he truly wanted her out his life 100% he’d tell her once and for all. I’ve been there, I’ve had an ex who won’t let go. You try to be nice about it for a while but in the end you have enough and you make it clear. Perhaps rather than hate on her for not leaving you/him alone, you should start wondering why he won’t tell her once and for all?

If she’s constantly on your mind and your hearing her etc you sound a bit obsessive! Therapy maybe? Because that’s not normal...

I’m sure she knew you were interfering back then. It’s only been a year. They have more history than you two and she’s never going to vanish off the earth.

Actually I’ve known him way longer than her. Weve been in and out of each other’s lives for almost twenty years. They had only just met when we reconnected. But then he continued the relationship for the next six years.

@flumpybear

No, it’s in my head. She’s not actually physically there!

I’m sort of torturing myself wondering why he chose her over me all those years ago. Whether she’s prettier than me. I know it’s ridiculous and I also know I have nothing to worry about with him. But for some reason I’m jealous! And I need to get over it.

Yeah it's guilt. Emotional affair.

As PP says, if he wanted her gone - he'd change his number and tell her to get lost.

If he really wanted you he would NEVER have chosen someone else over you. Disappeared for SIX YEARS? Come on.... You're a gap filler

He's stringing you BOTH along, telling you both how much he 'doesn't want' the other. He's likely telling her that he's 'stuck with you' or "my heads a mess, I don't know what I want"

LTB LTB LTB

Have you asked him any of these questions? I doubt prettiness has anything to do with it for a start!

Do you feel he has a lack of boundaries with her? I think a year is plenty of time to be letting go. They don’t have children, 6 years isn’t a lifetime. He never needs to speak to her. What is there to say anyway? She gets upset when he doesn’t reply? So?

He should stop speaking to her. Continuing to engage isn’t helping anyone.

I wonder if the haunted feeling is just that you know he’s choosing to still have her in his life when there’s no need and it’s playing on your insecurities about him choosing to be with her when you were single.

He’s either in it with you with both feet or he’s not. If she was that great they’d still be together. But if his behaviour is upsetting you then you need to talk to him about it.

The timeline in your OP makes no sense.

I am at a complete loss to understand the comments to the OP.

I think we are all in agreement that no one has to be in a relationship.
That everyone has the right to leave a relationship.
That cheating is the lowest of the low.

The common consensus on MN when cheating is the topic, is for the OP to do the honourable thing and end a relationship rather than cheat on their partner.
The OP in this case has done EXACTLY this.
Walked away from her relationship when she realised she had feelings for someone else and BEFORE it became an affair.
He then stayed with his partner and she married someone else. They then meet again but still don't get together until he has finished his relationship.
Can someone please explain why the OP is having an 'emotional affair'. ? Or conniving.
He wasn't forced out of his relationship. He chose to end it.

@fontofnoknowledge

Thank you for that. I too don’t understand what we’ve done wrong.

We have now made a commitment to each other, yes, it’s only been four months since we became officially involved but because we’ve known each other for so long, things just fell into place very quickly.

He isn’t encouraging her at all. Short of blocking and deleting, which frankly at our stage in life, would be quite an immature way of handling her, there’s not a lot more he can do except keep saying no to her requests to meet.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Yes, I have talked to him about it and he completely understands why I am still a bit insecure about her. He says all he can do is keep reassuring me that what we have is special and that he’s never had this kind of connection before with anyone. I believe him because I feel the same.

I think it’s just difficult to not be a bit jealous that he did once choose to be honourable to her over me, although I do completely understand why and actually think it was the right decision at the time. I needed to live my own life and get married even if it was to the wrong man. It’s just all been part of my life’s experiences.

It doesn’t help though that she is very pretty, much more than me! And graceful and intelligent. I think I just need to be confident that what we have is beyond these things.

He’s with you now.

Short of blocking and deleting, which frankly at our stage in life, would be quite an immature way of handling her, there’s not a lot more he can do except keep saying no to her requests to meet.

Well actually, that’s relevant whatever age you are. If you end it with someone and they keep contacting you despite requests not to - the only thing you can do is block and delete - that’s the only way they will get the message.

I think you’re uneasy because they remain in contact, it hasn’t been long and you’re not sure he’s 100% committed to you, and whether he may go back to her. I think all these concerns are valid in the circumstances. It’s possible he might change his mind.

I think you can feel that they’re still connected and he hasn’t completely broken away from her. That’s what’s haunting you.

Until they’ve properly cut contact and you’ve been together long enough to be sure he’s not going back - I think the issue will continue.

@TatianaLarina

You are probably right about a lot of that. I think I am feeling insecure that she’s not getting the message. To be fair though, in his last message to her, he said that there was absolutely no chance of them getting back together and that she needed to stop contacting him because all it was doing was hurting her.

I’m as sure as I can be that he’s not going back. And that we are committed to each other.

Hi, OP. I was wondering. How did you know them when they were together, in what context? Friends with him or friends with
them both?

Did they split up so he could be with you or were there other reasons?

Sorry, I don't mean to sound so nosey but I don't think he's being genuine here and I'm not sure why.

@Namechangedname

That’s ok, I started this thread to talk about it, to get opinions.

I’ve known him for over 20 years. We’ve been friends and have always been fond of, and attracted to, each other but have never been single at the same time. I was in a relationship when we met and he was just leaving one.

For years we’d always meet in a group setting, rarely one to one but then we happened to bump into each other at an event and had a drink just the two of us. Then lunch, then dinner. That was the point where I realised that I was developing feelings and re-evaluated where things were with my then partner. He had just met his ex, about 2 or three months before so it was early stages but long enough to have become an item.

I never became friends with her, although was friendly with her whenever we were in the same company.

I think he ended it eventually because he realised it wasn’t going anywhere and that he didn’t have the right feelings for her. However, she did for him and that kept them going for a while until he and I found each other again.

Have you ever met her? Or seen photos of her?
My dh had been divorced for several years before I met him and his exW lived overseas with his dd. I met his dd as soon as it was appropriate & we have a great relationship but, due to his exW living overseas there was no need or opportunity to meet her. I used to torture myself wondering what she was like.

I have never loved anyone like I love my dh. They got married very young & were together about 10 yrs. She had an affair & left my dh. I know it was a very difficult time for him. I built her up in my mind to be a captivating beauty with great charisma who would somehow always have a bit of his heart. This was all nonsense. I finally met her at my dsd’s graduation after dh & I had been married for 4 yrs & had a dd of our own. Meeting her was hugely helpful. I stopped torturing myself with made-up versions of her. She’s pleasant. That’s all. And I could tell instantly that my dh has no interest in her at all.

Do you think meeting her could help? Is it even a possibility? The reality is almost certainly nothing to worry about.

Sorry - cross post with you

I think you know deep down that it's always going to niggle at you, the fact that he chose her over you all those years ago. The whole actions louder than words etc.

Why did they end up splitting up in the end, anyway? What pushed him towards you, finally?

Thanks for explaining, op. I hope this works out for you. I just have a niggling feeling.

Why did they end up splitting up in the end, anyway? What pushed him towards you, finally?

I think it was always head/heart to be honest. Outwardly, she is more “suitable” for him in that they are from similar backgrounds, and are of the same religious faith. Both sets of parents encouraged the match from the beginning. I am not from this faith and so was not “suitable” from the get go. I think it’s taken him this long to break away from the expectations put on him and follow his heart. We’re both older and (hopefully) wiser now and are in it for the right reasons and love.

Perhaps she’s just going through a very hard time accepting this. And perhaps it was a bolt out of the blue for her.
I don’t mean this to sound harsh, but you need to try and have a lot of empathy for her and the loss of her dreams and her future that she believed in.
He’s clearly made it clear to her, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t struggling. 6 years is a long time and to see someone get together with someone they’ve know for 20 years must be very hard, she’s probably thinking he never loved her and always wanted you (which is clearly the case!)

So I would give her a lot more sympathy than in a usual break up situation