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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told me I’m evil in front of daughter

28 replies

Somekindoflove · 13/05/2018 13:44

Partner and I of 15 years haven’t been getting along recently. Mainly because he does nothing to support me with one of my disabled kids. Has never been to one appt in the last 2 years. I do it all on my own. I’m actually now his full time carer.
I was ill today and expected DH to sort the kids out for breakfast, but as usual he was in a zombie like state watching the TV. So I did it. Then I went shopping. Came back and he’d put one load of washing on that I had already put by the washing machine, and put two bowls in the dishwasher. I just wanted a break after also then cooking lunch, but he announced he was going upstairs for a nap. I couldn’t believe it.
I told him he does do anything to help me and he launched into this really aggressive and angry attack at me “saying you are evil, you are a bad person. Every thing you do has a price to pay. You think you’re such a big woman but you aren’t shit. I’ve done the washing and the dishwasher” Our daughter who is 7 was sat right next to us. I said you aren’t damaging me with what you are saying, you are damaging her. I’ve now taken her upstairs to watch a film. I’m so angry.

He also told me to fuck off this morning because I asked if he was going to sit and watch the tv all day. Which he does every weekend. The kids often joke he’s kissing the tv right now, when I take them out.

I always seem to be the bad guy because I stand up against his bullshit.

OP posts:
Itscurtainsforyou · 13/05/2018 13:51

What do you get out of this relationship? Are the children his? I'd be making plans to leave.

Original poster
Somekindoflove · 13/05/2018 14:04

Yes all his. I’ve just gone and asked him to apologise to our daughter. He response was “apologise to me for being disrespectful”. He then went onto say that I have nothing to offer anyone in any level.
I’m not reacting and I’m done now. This is his house, we aren’t married but I’ve paid for improvements that cost a lot of money out of my own pocket when I was working. This is awful

OP posts:
Itscurtainsforyou · 13/05/2018 14:10

In that case gather appropriate paperwork (including his payslips) and make an appointment to see a solicitor. You will hopefully get some idea of whether or not you have any claim on his property, and how much child support he will need to pay.

It doesn't sound like he's still invested in this relationship.

Original poster
Somekindoflove · 13/05/2018 14:40

Oh no. We’ve been engaged three years. No mention of marriage at all now as I’ve stopped going on about it.
Now rock painting with kids. He’s gone upstairs. Love to bang him round the head with a frying pan. I’ve put up with him for such a long time. Two affairs down and I’ve created a maze so big it’s going to be hard to get out.

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 13/05/2018 14:41

What are the good bits of this relationship?

Original poster
Somekindoflove · 13/05/2018 14:51

Not much. I was very young when we met, I was and yes and no girl. Now I’ve grown up and have my own voice and brain, he can’t stand the fact he can’t bullshit me and I’ll take it. Change of control is happening. He thinks because he pays for everything I shouldn’t question him too much and be disrespectful. Apparently it’s disrespectful to say he does nothing with his kids when he does nothing with his kids. Laughable

OP posts:
shammy1b · 13/05/2018 14:56

Omg SERIOUSLY..he is a class A prick..fuck him off STANDARD

MrsMozart · 13/05/2018 16:26

Hopefully he'll realise that life it is a changin' and he'll change with it. If he doesn't then it'll be up to you what you do and how life goes.

Original poster
Somekindoflove · 13/05/2018 16:39

He’s currently in bed sleeping. Just looked in on him. While I’m down here dealing with 3 kids under 7, all the house chores ready for school tomorrow. I am absolutely seething.

I need to think of an exit plan.

OP posts:
Original poster
Somekindoflove · 13/05/2018 21:26

He’s had a conversation with our daughter tonight and apologised for what he said. Had to take kids him in front of her to show we had made up and it had nothing to do with how wonderful she is.
Apart from that absolutely destroying me my daughter had to hear and deal with that, I’m also mentally struggling with the fact he said “you have nothing to offer anyone in any level” I already feel numb inside from everything I’ve had to put up with from him. Now I’m starting to feel dead and believing it. Really need some kind words. I feel empty inside.

OP posts:
Original poster
Somekindoflove · 13/05/2018 21:26

Had to fake kiss* bloody autocorrect

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 13/05/2018 21:49

It does sound like you've made up your mind and it definitely sounds like its the right thing to do. Start making plans, I think the first thing you need to do is get some legal advise.

All the best Flowers

Sharpandshineyteeth · 13/05/2018 21:53

This sounds awful!! Have you got much RL support?

Original poster
Somekindoflove · 13/05/2018 21:53

Yeah but I’m so scared. My dad has recently disowned me and my brothers because he can’t face up to the abuse he gave us as kids, I know I’m so emotionally vulnerable right now. That comment has been like a nail in a coffin. It’s repeating over and over in my head. I’m usually such a strong person. It’s floored me

OP posts:
Teaandbiscuits35 · 13/05/2018 22:01

You're right to be floored by such a horrible comment. Gather payslips and mortgage/rent/bank statements and make an appointment to see a solicitor. See your GP to find out what support there is locally too. He sounds like an insecure prick trying to make you believe you're shit so you need him. Your daughter does not deserve to grow up thinking this is ok. Be strong OP, you're life will be so much better when you get through the hard part.

Original poster
Somekindoflove · 13/05/2018 22:05

I used to hide on the stairs listening to arguments with my parents. Found her doing it today and felt like a complete failure. Promised myself my kids would never be put in that position. Going to be like a game of chess. My kids deserve the best

OP posts:
Shrimpi · 13/05/2018 22:11

This isn't your fault. It sounds as though you have a lot to offer your children and are a wonderful mother to them! And you have made it through a lot of shit in your life (your crap dad and now this). Clearly you are strong and a survivor. Don't believe his nasty words, he's saying them to make you doubt yourself so that you are easier to control.

It sounds pretty clear that you need to leave him. I know it's easy to say but the money you have put into the house doesn't really matter. If you leave him and lose the money in doing so, then it sounds like money well spent. It's more important that you make safe plans to get away from him that don't involve him finding out before you are completely ready. The fact that you are scared tells me that the threat is more than just nasty words and that you are a smart woman with good instincts. Being scared of your partner is a reliable sign that they will hurt you, and you are most at risk when you start to think about leaving. If this seems like over the top advice, then at least it can't do any harm to be careful!

You need to go to a computer that he can't use or access your history for a chance to look up domestic abuse services in your area. If you can't, then go to any hospital bathroom, especially in a woman's area, as there are always posters with contact details to help you. Sometimes these posters can be found in the toilets of restaurants or bars or other public places too. Are your brothers safe - can you go to or ask them for help?

Original poster
Somekindoflove · 13/05/2018 22:22

Sadly, before I met him I was in an abusive physical relationship. Took me 5 yrs to get out of.
Just a continuing joke

OP posts:
MilesHuntsWig · 13/05/2018 22:27

That’s emotionally abusive. See a solicitor, talk to the citizens advice bureau and maybe speak to women’s aid to talk through your options.

Yes, your kids deserve better than this, but please remember that you do too. He is an absolute twat for speaking to you like that - shows how little respect he has for you and that is not OK. You are your kids’ world - do this for them and hopefully the respect for yourself will follow even if you’re struggling to believe it now.

HeavenlyEyes · 13/05/2018 22:35

so your father abused you and now you are in another abusive relationship. And he is unfaithful too?

You deserve so much better. Get yourself to Women's Aid, get on the Freedom Programme and get yourself away from this awful man.

Original poster
Somekindoflove · 13/05/2018 23:26

Yes father abuse, physical abuse from ex and now mental abuse from current. Long road. Recognise now I’m choosing partners by familiarity with father. Comfortable with similar people.

OP posts:
SoleBizzz · 13/05/2018 23:42

Time to take back control Mrs Strong Woman. Yes, you! Take the advice here. Seek legal advice and get rid of his evil, lazy fat arse.

Shrimpi · 14/05/2018 00:17

This situation isn't your fault. Perhaps you are more likely to replicate your father in your partners, but also bullies choose people whose buttons they know how to push. Chances are you were seeking out someone kind and lovely - bullies are often very charming and good at pretending to be just that. He was always seeking out a victim to control. He's to blame! Noone else! Domestic abuse can also happen to anyone. Don't be ashamed. That's how he wants you to feel. You will get out of the situation. You can do it. Just think of everything you are capable of and have achieved despite having this weight on your shoulders bringing you down. You've raised three amazing children! Doesn't sound like he's had much to do with it..

marjorie25 · 14/05/2018 00:24

Exit plan: starting putting money aside ,something you should have been doing a long time ago once you realize that his behavior is changing.
Can you open a bank account and have the details sent to a trusted friend. That way you could put some money away for when the time comes.
Also sit down and write down when you first moved into the house, what money have you contributed: food, bills, renovations etc. If you have bank statements to show, it might help.
Get that money in that secret account because hard times are around the corner.

shammy1b · 20/05/2018 07:37

Hope you are ok OP xx