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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex has been back in touch

27 replies

Mousella · 13/05/2018 06:40

A few of you lovely posters helped me a month ago when I was really struggling with the end of my relationship...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3228255-Did-I-do-the-right-thing

I was hurting so much at the time but over the past two weeks or so I felt like I had turned a corner and was feeling so much better about things.

But then a couple of days ago, the ex text me again. It started as asking after me and the children. Then turned to him asking me what went wrong. Then he is telling me how badly I treated him again. Why didn’t I try harder to prove to him I was serious about wanting him back? (This is a man who I begged!) Then telling me he has been seeing a lovely new girl who thinks the world of him... but still feels lost and misses me. But that I destroyed him?

I’m so confused 😔 In the end I msgd him saying his texts were incredibly upsetting - to be telling me he had a lovely new girlfriend just weeks after I had been begging him to try again. He apologised for upsetting me but then I lost my temper and told him to save his apologies for the new girl whose back he was going behind msging me. He went mad at me... msgd me telling me I was full of vitriol and bile and that he should have known I wouldn’t have changed and would never msg me again.

Now what?? I feel so distraught yet again- back to square one. Should I have done more? Should I try again now? We both miss each other... but then I keep thinking how I begged him but he just started seeing someone new straight away. Sorry if this jumbled 😔

OP posts:
shammy1b · 13/05/2018 06:47

Sorry have not seen your other post but REALLY..begging him back...nah mate have respect babes and never beg unless you did wrong..and trying to make you jel about newbie..oh please tell him keep her and hope she can cope with mental abuse he likes to throw round and leave you alone to get a new man that wull cope with the bile

MarieG10 · 13/05/2018 06:50

Sounds like a real prize catch you have ridden yourself of...why are you having doubts fgs.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 13/05/2018 06:53

He's playing mind games. Disengage.

If he messages again tell him the only topic you're willing to discuss is the children.

Do not defend yourself.
Do not tell him how much he hurt you (he likes the attention this gives him).

Just a short message,

'Please keep any further messages about the children or they will be ignored.'

ivykaty44 · 13/05/2018 06:57

He’s playing with you

Block

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/05/2018 06:59

Block him. Do not have contact at all.
Will he be having contact with the kids? Could this be done via a third party?

abbsisspartacus · 13/05/2018 07:03

Are the kids his?

Original poster
Mousella · 13/05/2018 07:11

The children aren’t his- he has a child and I do. We were together 4 years and he said his son had been asking after the children, so we were looking to maybe facilitate them meeting for a play date. Now I’m thinking that is a bad idea.

Part of me is so angry... I didn’t want to know he has a new girlfriend, I didn’t ask, I wouldn’t have wanted to know! I was getting better and feeling better, now I feel sick again. If he wanted to try again seriously then part of me wants to... but he had his chance and he chose to move on.

OP posts:
Helpmeplan · 13/05/2018 07:13

Block him. Do not engage at all. He will head fuck you.

abbsisspartacus · 13/05/2018 07:41

Block him no need for contact he sounds like a head fucker

Angelf1sh · 13/05/2018 07:49

He’s done this deliberately to upset you. Block him and never accept any kind of contact again. If he texts or calls from a new number, don’t reply/hang up and block. You have no reason to stay in contact with this guy, you’ll keep reopening the wound if you do. The kids will get over not seeing each other anymore and will have forgotten each other in 6 months.

eve34 · 13/05/2018 07:51

Do not engage with him any further. There isn't anything further to discuss. Although you are hurting and full of what if's. There is a reason you have come to this. Leave it be now. The children getting together is an excuse to keep in touch. Draw a line and move forward. I know how difficult that must be but it will be for the best. I wish I could go full nc with my ex. We have the children. So I keep it about them only.

Thebluedog · 13/05/2018 07:54

Unless you have a very good reason it to block him (like you have dc together), then block him on all channels

Original poster
Mousella · 13/05/2018 07:58

Thank you for all your responses. I know you are all right, I just miss him so much and the thought of him with someone else is so hard. I hate that he might think I just gave up on him. I thought the world of him too at one point 😔 he seems to have forgotten that

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 13/05/2018 08:02

As if he has a new girlfriend! He's a total asshat and you need to block him right now. Be glad you're rid of him!

Also. Never ever ever again beg someone to be with you. You deserve better. Remember that.

MrsMozart · 13/05/2018 08:32

Move on lass. I know it's hard and that there'll be bumps along the way, but you can't spend the rest of your life having someone playing mind games with you. You really do deserve more than that.

SandyY2K · 13/05/2018 08:34

Block and don't engage with him. He's still the fool he was and I suggest you never beg a man. Not unless you've treated them badly and are asking for forgiveness.

Lemonyknickers · 13/05/2018 09:06

Block. You only have his word he has a new girlfriend but if he's texting you then he can't be that wrapped up in her can he? Also she may just be a construct to make you jealous and pull you back in as he could tell you were getting over him and he wants you pining and begging. Don't. The mind games will just hurt you and hold you back.

Helpmeplan · 13/05/2018 09:08

He is trying to make you jealous and have his cake and eat it. Don't give him the satisfaction

FluffyPersian · 13/05/2018 09:14

If he was so happy with his new girlfriend, he wouldn't be putting so much effort into messaging you.

Whether he has someone new or not, it sounds like he still likes the idea of you 'begging' and if you've stopped, you're not massaging his ego any more. Hence why when you said 'Save your apologies for your new girlfriend', he got abusive as you weren't prostrating yourself in front of him and massaging his ego.

No, you shouldn't have done more... if anything, you should have done LESS - It's not up to you to make him feel 'speshul', especially if you're no longer together. He sounds like a total idiot and you're well out of it.

Original poster
Mousella · 13/05/2018 09:27

Thank you so much for your responses. It really is helping. It’s like I feel like I’m doing the right thing and being strong... and then I mull over his words and start to doubt myself.

OP posts:
Ryder63 · 13/05/2018 09:30

and then I mull over his words and start to doubt myself

Which is exactly what he wants.

MrsMozart · 13/05/2018 09:30

Doubting yourself is natural. Just try and hold onto the bigger picture, see where you want to be in the future amd how you want to feel and be treated.

LeChatDeNuit · 13/05/2018 09:36

Oh god, your original thread and this one sound just like the situation with my ex who recently decided I would like to know the details of his love life. They sound like very similar people. It’s all about them, isn’t it? I know what you’re going through. It’s hard but deep down I think you know your ex is being a manipulative arse?

Original poster
Mousella · 13/05/2018 10:18

I do LeChat. I think it’s when you’ve invested a lot of time and emotion in someone... it’s hard to face up to the fact that you’re going to have to walk away with nothing 😔

OP posts:
LeChatDeNuit · 13/05/2018 10:24

You’re not walking away with nothing. You’re walking away with experience and you’ll be stronger for it. You were strong enough to stand up to him and call him out on his behaviour and he replied like a teenager with a strop, which is exactly what my ex would do and does. If the ‘lovely GF’ does exist, she’ll only be around for as long as she is useful and doesn’t cause a dent in his ego. She’s ‘lovely’ because it’s fresh and new and she doesn’t know the real him. She’s stroking his ego. The nasty manipulative manchild will surface soon, probably the second she questions his behaviour.