Did I do the right thing?

[Mousella]

Just need to get all my thoughts out and ask for some advice. It’s long, sorry.

We were together for 4 years. During our second year together he broke up with me several times. One time he broke up with me over the phone and within an hour turned up at my house to give me back every photo of us, cards, pictures drawn by my children etc. I was devastated but within a week he had apologised and wanted to come back.

He went on antidepressants and things seemed to get better. But there were still occasions where I felt he was cruel to me and didn’t seem to care as much as I did about him. He wanted us to move in together, to get married and have children- but I was wary because of these times when he didn’t seem to care. I didn’t want to commit until I was sure that things were going to consistently be ok between us. I wanted to protect my children from any risk that things would go wrong. But when times were good, they were so good. So it was worth it.

Fast forward to earlier this year and the feeling that he didn’t seem to care as much intensified... he was still saying how much he loved me but I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I cared more than him. I always felt like I had to ask for a hug. I just didn’t feel like he had my back - if I had a bad day at work or was feeling down, I would worry that he was going off me because I wasn’t fun or sexy.

Things came to a head in February and after a series of arguments we started spending time apart. I told him I wanted to feel that I was important to him. I suppose I instigated space between us because I desperately wanted him to realise how much I meant to him and prove to me that he cared. He would text me one day saying he loved me and missed me; the next he would be angry and say I was cruel and crazy.

After a month of this I just felt hopeless and ended things. He didn’t argue with me- just asked me if I was sure, and I said yes.

In retrospect I suppose again I wanted him to miss me. To come back and love me again, make me feel special. It didn’t happen.

Now I just feel like I’ve made the most stupid mistake. I’ve told him how I feel, but he says it’s too late. He says I treated him like shit, he’s sick of making excuses for me. He’s deleted all photos of me, blocked me on all social media, but still responds when I message. I’ve begged him to give us another chance. But he says no and I never gave him the closeness he wanted.

I just can’t help thinking how stupid it was of me to break up with him. I didn’t mean to treat him badly. I can’t live with knowing that I destroyed the relationship - I was just so so stupid.

Is there anything I can do? I don’t really know how to move forward. It’s been a month now and i just can’t seem to pick myself up and move forward.

[meowimacat]

Sounds like a lot of drama and not that much to miss if you ask me. It's time to cut your losses and move on in all honesty. If you want him back and he eventually misses you, he will come back. Now you need to get on with your life and try and forget about him. Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all, but sometimes when we invest time and effort we don't want to start over.

[penny1ane]

Begging will only push him further away.

You have done all you can for now. He knows how you feel about the relationship so you just have to leave it at that.

I would work on healing and moving on.

You may find in time it was for the best.

My last and most recent relationship was on/off for 3 years. Each time my ex called it off the relationship had less value.
After countless times of doing it the relationship completely ended.
There only so many times you can kiss and make up.

[Mousella]

Thank you so much for your responses. There was a lot of drama I suppose. I’m just questioning myself now, whether I did the right thing in ending it. It’s scary to think it might have been the wrong thing to do.

[PrizeOik]

It's extremely obvious that you were right to end it. He was not that into you and you knew it. He made it clear.

What you're experiencing at the moment is the pain of weaning off his attention and validation. It feels like death because your brain, like all human brains, hates change and prefers the devil it knows.

Your job is just to get through this time. Keep busy, distract yourself and in time you'll feel much better.

[Mousella]

Thank you PrizeOik. I felt so sure at the time when I ended it that it was thing to do. It’s as the days have progressed that my confidence in this has been shaken. I thought he was the one who did not love me as deeply as I loved him, so to hear him say how badly he feels I treated him is really shocking and upsetting.

[Gemini69]

He was treating you appallingly .... you have done the right thing.. for you ... right now...

I'd recommend stop trying to contact him.. go no contact... it'll be hard but it will help you

[WotcherHarry]

It sounds like you have done the right thing here to emotionally safeguard both yourself and your children. No real words of wisdom, but be gentle on yourself and move forward with your head held high.

[Dappledsunlight]

It sounds like it was the right thing to do. You felt he didn't care enough and that prompted you to leave. Take some time to be alone...heal...then, in the fullness of time, you will recognise someone who truly cares for you as you deserve to be cared for. Be firm in your conviction, OP, as it sounds like you have not given up much in this relationship.

[GloriousDolores]

You definitely did the right thing. The way he made you feel was because

a) You were right, he didn't care enough and you deserve someone who does.

b) that's how he treats people he does really care about. So you are very different. He'd never be able to give you what you need and after he broke your trust a few years ago, you'd never feel secure again. So you need someone you are more compatible with.

After spending so long trying to get someone to love you, your mind is playing tricks with you. You're still trying to get the fix even though you really know he isn't right for you.

Don't beg him to come back. He's already rewritten the story in his head to make you the one to blame. He's really not worth it.

[Shoxfordian]

It sounds like a lot of drama that you and your children don't need.

[Mousella]

Thank you so much for your responses. I’ve been obsessing over the thought that my reluctance to move in together and get married may have caused him pain - and I do feel awful if that was the case - but I was trying to do the right thing for me and the children, and I was open about this with him all along.

I feel like I’ve spent the last two years waiting for feelings of comfort and certainty and security to materialise. And when that didn’t happen I eventually forced the issue- and the outcome didn’t go the way I wanted it to. But at least now I know and I won’t be wasting another year of my life - that’s what I’m trying to tell myself anyway but it’s so hard.

Thank you again, it really does help to read your responses.

[WotcherHarry]

Mousella, I'm glad that you feel a little better. He couldn't expect that you would be able to get married/move in together when the relationship was so tumultuous and it sounds like you felt emotionally unsupported. The feeling of uncertainty is awful but in time I think you will be increasingly certain that this was the right choice!