DP just did this

[ShakingAndConfused]

I came to bed an hour ago, pretty tipsy from drinking pimms and lemonade all night. I left DP annoyed downstairs as he though we were going to have sex (despite my policy of no sex when drinking). He came upstairs and got into bed. I was on the verge of sleeping. I said sleepily no babe I'm sleeping - more than once. He said he doesn't want sex he just wants to feel. I don't know why but I froze. He had sex with me while I laid there Not responding. He had to have known I was asleep, he can't have imagined I was conscious?! I'm still a bit woozy but lying here wide awake. I pretended to wake up, told him I hadn't agreed to that, that I remembered saying I was sleeping and I made him leave the bedroom.

I know I have to leave. Please don't like tell me that. Tell me HOW. We have 3 DC asleep in their beds. I have no money or access to money. He is downstairs. I need to get through the night here. Please tell me what to do in the morning.

If I talk to him, I think I can make him understand why there is no going back for us.

I’m going to try and be strong

You are very bloody strong. Keep going OP. Always always remember your 3 year old saw it.

@stilltryingstillfailing that's really horrible! I think with every 'smaller' thing we accept/forgive, we allow the boundaries of what's acceptable in the relationship to be skewed further and further. Eventually the boundaries are pushed so far from 'normal' behaviour that things like being spat at or assaulted seems like something we can actually get past. Because it's only a little worse than the last thing he did IYSWIM. I've been reading the stickied post at the top of the relationships board and one of the things it says is Don't be fooled into thinking the abuse isn't 'bad enough to leave'. If you are treated in any way less than cherished, loved and respected, it is bad enough to leave. I remember reading that post years ago, but I wasn't ready for it yet. Really wish I had been.

Always always remember your 3 year old saw it. exactly @KioraAdora. No one knows about what happened the night I posted this so when they say "never say never" I come back to this point every time. DS saw it and innocently told his dad off before I rushed him out of the room. Ex had never done it in front of the kids before, this was just another pushing of the boundaries - let the youngest see it and excuse it by saying he's too young to understand. If I'd have let that go, there would have been nothing to stop him doing it in front of DS all the time. But DS did understand and it really clicked for me when I heard his little voice telling his dad off - I just can't have him grow up witnessing random drunken violence and think it's how life should be and I can't have him growing up thinking that punching furniture is normal or ok.

Sorry if I'm rambling, DS woke me at 5am.

ShakingAndConfused your 6:28 is spot on. Well worth printing off and rereading for anyone in an abusive relationship 👍

He was arrested for sexually assaulting you.

Imagine if this was the other way around and it was me was telling you that I needed to explain to my ex - who'd been arrested for raping me - why our relationship was over.

Would that make sense to you? Would you tell me to go ahead? Would you think he sounded like somebody open to reason? Who respected me and would listen to me?

Nobody in their right mind would have any difficulty understanding why they would not be continuing a relationship with the woman they had raped.

The problem is not that he doesn't understand. It's that he doesn't care and is going to keep trying to get control of you back so he can do this again.

If he respected anything you had to say he wouldn't be pushing for this.

I don't know enough about non mol orders, but given that the point was to give you space to sort your head out without him interfering and with you out of his reach, he should not be contacting you via other people either. It's clearly clouding your judgement. Which was the point of the order being put in place - to protect you from his head games.

Is part of you hoping that if you speak to him he'll apologise and promise to change, and then you can get back together?

I really hope not, but I am wondering if that's where your head is going.

he doesn't care and is going to keep trying to get control of you back so he can do this again

I really am keeping this in mind. Obviously I dont know what he is thinking. He may be expecting to be able to talk his way back in with promises of sobriety and stability, but I haven't felt anything for him since the night this happened and have no intention of getting back together. My brother thinks ex is accepting the situation. I have to see him to discuss how we will tell DSD we are over - she will be gutted and she's been through a lot in her life already. She has to know she's not losing me or her dad or brother but we have to be careful how we tell her and what we say.

Ffs ex's mum has chosen tonight to ask me why we have broken up and why he hasn't told her about this. Ffs why is this my problem? Speak to your son, he caused this! Why does she always think everything is always my fault?

Meeting XP tonight to discuss contact arrangements for DS & DSD.

Am a bit nervous, mainly that he's going to try and convince me this is all just temporary while he "gets some help". I don’t want to have a row or hurt his feelings but for me it really isn't temporary. I know he's looking at places to live so I want to make sure he knows he should be going through with that.

I need to have a plan for contact arrangements before I see him but I'm VERY undecided about how I want it to work. I love his DD like my own, I cannot envision a situation where she doesn't come and sleep in her bedroom in my house. I know I have to get used to him not being around, but I don't think I can stand to lose her.

The old contact arrangement with DSD was that one of us would collect her Friday from school/her mums (depending on when that person could finish work) and one would drop her to school on Monday morning/to her mums Sunday evening (in school holidays). We tried to take it in turns, but generally Friday pickup mostly fell to him, Sunday/Monday drop off was mostly me. I don’t really know how contact is going to work going forward. DSD can’t really stay with him while he is at my Dads as there is nowhere for her to sleep. DS stayed the night last weekend because he can share XP’s bed as he’s still little. I don’t know what sort of place he is looking for but it needs to have a bedroom for DSD to sleep in. If he moves within walking distance of me, perhaps she could choose whose house she wants to sleep at each weekend? The thing I want to preserve is DSD & DS’s sibling relationship. They play and fight like any siblings with an 8 year age gap (they’re quite close) but I worry that if they never go to bed in the same house/wake up and watch cartoons together anymore they could drift apart. She hasn't been over since the start of June because she was on her year 6 trip away the last 2 weekends.

Not only that, but it’s been suggested to me that in the long term I might want to date etc. (definitely NOT in that place at this point!) and that I should set up any arrangements with this in mind, so should try to arrange things so we each get a night off each weekend…

I don’t know, any advice/different perspectives would be appreciated!

Giving this a little bump

Just because I could do with some advice

I’ve been following your thread. You sound very strong. I don’t have any advice but bumping for you.

Can you arrange contact with DSD's mum? Formal contact isn't really your job anymore, but I can see that you would want to promote the relationship between the children.

I would have as little to with you ex as possible. It muddies the waters.

Would your DSD mother be ok with the current arrangement standing for the time being, with him seeing both children during that time? Would that be what you want in the long term with regard to you keeping in touch with her?