DP just did this

[ShakingAndConfused]

I came to bed an hour ago, pretty tipsy from drinking pimms and lemonade all night. I left DP annoyed downstairs as he though we were going to have sex (despite my policy of no sex when drinking). He came upstairs and got into bed. I was on the verge of sleeping. I said sleepily no babe I'm sleeping - more than once. He said he doesn't want sex he just wants to feel. I don't know why but I froze. He had sex with me while I laid there Not responding. He had to have known I was asleep, he can't have imagined I was conscious?! I'm still a bit woozy but lying here wide awake. I pretended to wake up, told him I hadn't agreed to that, that I remembered saying I was sleeping and I made him leave the bedroom.

I know I have to leave. Please don't like tell me that. Tell me HOW. We have 3 DC asleep in their beds. I have no money or access to money. He is downstairs. I need to get through the night here. Please tell me what to do in the morning.

Well done op.

You're a hero.

Being abused and raped within a relationship is so shoving and wears you down so much. Getting away is hard but you did it.

Is it hard to know your family is so close to your ex?
What jumps out is them saying he's no drinking. Surely the point is you want a life free of someone who abused you. He could act like Santa Claus and Jesus combined and that fear would still be there.

Is there anyone in your life who doesn't say 'never say never'?

Because in my experience when you can indeed say 'never' to yourself you feel safe and you start to recover.

*shocking not shoving

It is a bit tough that they are close to him, but they're partly doing it for my sake too so I'm trying to view it in a positive light. His family live hundreds of miles away and are no use, so he has no other support network. When I've left him before, one of the things that's drawn me back is that he was dependant on me emotionally to help him cope. Now that my family are stepping in as his support network, its keeping him from contacting me.

Have social work or anyone suggested support networks, groups etc?

Freedom Programme groups can be good.
My local rape crisis Centre has some brilliant group activities.
The best thing I did was starting a women's book group.
One friend I made on here who came to that can still be relied upon to give my ex a hard stare when required.

It's just nice to have people in your life who affirm the choices you make that keep you and your children safe.

Failing that, keep posting on here.

You did the right thing.

I'm 6 years on and it still feels awful sometimes but I know now I'm able to be happy and confident and safe and I would never go back.

The social worker referred me to the Freedom programme and I'm booked onto the course for September. Will have to take time off work to go, but have spoken to my boss about it and he says it will be ok.

I have the number for RASASC but haven't called them yet. The lady from Victim Support gave me loads of resources.

I really should look into support groups in my area, I just haven't yet. It would be nice to be able to talk to someone about ALL of it though. So many of my conversations at the moment involve me skirting around the full story.

Well done op

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry this happened to you, but you're doing really well.

I'm really glad to hear you're signed up to the Freedom Programme. I thnk it will help you get some clarity and the strength to stand firm and keep him out of your life, especially if he starts turning on the charm and making promises about changing, and getting your family involved to plead his case ("he's so sad without you, he's sorry, he didn't mean it, he's changed, give him another chance") etc etc.

As has been said, the alcohol is irrelevant. It's just an excuse abusive men use as a "get out of jail free" card. No genuinely remorseful phon who appreciated the gravity of what they had done would even contemplate trying to coerce/manipulate you into taking them back.

He abused you for an extended period, which culminated in him raping you. It's not your job to provide emotional support to somebody who has hurt you so much and so deliberately. It's absolutely right to put yourself and the children above him. He's a grown man, he needs to take responsibility for himself and his actions.

You're doing really well even if you don't feel that strong right now. It will get better and easier. One day you'll look back and won't be able to believe how far you've come.

I had to post to say well done.

You don’t have to tell people the details but you can tell people you are relieved to be out of it they don’t know the full picture and that if they did they’d do all they could to protect you from falling back into a relationship with him and that they should respect your rights to privacy on the details.

Wow. You are amazing. Don't doubt yourself for taking time to get to this point. You did it. You did something monumental that must have taken enormous strength. Be proud of yourself. Now take each day at a time. The Freedom programme will help and try and find someone to talk to that you feel you can talk about all of it to. I know some helplines also offer email support - could you copy and paste your posts in to an email to start the dialogue that way?

Take care of yourself and your son. You know mind games will be coming your way but just take strength in knowing you have done the hardest part. Now you just have to believe in yourself and your self-worth.

Thank you for your comments. DS I regularly asking for his Dad which is the hardest part as it's pretty heart wrenching. He asks me if daddy is working and says daddy home soon. They spent the day together on Sunday but he expects to see him every morning. I feel so sad for my little boy, this wasn't what I wanted for him. I wanted him to have a stable happy daddy and live at home with us all together.

You are so much stronger than you think.
I was you. My ex-H went as far as anally raping me, whilst I was asleep. He also sexually assaulted my friend, whilst pretending to be asleep.
It took me 2 more years to escape from that bastard.
Don't be like me. Please.

Sweetheart, your experience is so close to what I went through that I just want to give you the biggest hug, stroke your hair, and tell you it will be ok, I promise it will. Right now, everything is hellish, and you're probably having to duck into the loo to cry every few hours, but I promise you that you will be ok. My mantra to myself when I was in a similar situation was to keep saying 'I will be ok, because I have to be.' I didn't have a choice but to keep going for my DC, and I'm sure you'll find it in yourself to do the same, although it is so tough.

You've made the big decision already. The next few months will be hard, but you've taken the best step forward now. Dealing with the DC wanting to see their dad & the reactions of my family were the hardest bits for me. I wish I'd remembered that MN was about more than just parenting back then, because it would have helped so much - my local DV charity were amazingly supportive: can you ask the social worker if it's possible to be referred to one near you? Just meeting my DV advocate for a coffee every few days was something I really needed - I could pour out everything without being judged, just listened to.

It will be ok. And you will come out the other side eventually.

I remember reading your post OP. You are amazing , well done on getting him out and putting an end to his abuse.

Can I ask, why does he have to stay with your Dad? Doesn’t he have family/ friends he could stay with? It seems so wrong that you now can’t visit your Dad as your abusive ex is there! Does your Dad know how abusive your ex has been to you?

Have you read Lundy Bancroft ‘why does he do that’ or considered doing the freedom program?

Ignore the freedom program suggestion, I missed the last page!

Never tell yourself you should have left him. We leave when we CAN not when we SHOULD. Don't 'should' yourself.

You're doing so well.

Sorry I missed the part about his family living miles away (bad habit of reading the green posts!). I still think it is wrong! It concerns me that your parents may think that this is just a blip until you get back together. Particularly as they are close to him! Have you made it clear to your parents that there is no going back?

This video might help

Why is he staying with your dad? Does your dad know? I'm pretty sure if a guy had done this to me my dad would try stringing up by his balls

I haven't told anyone that he did this. They know he was arrested and removed but they think this was due to being drunk and aggressive. My Dad offered him a room while he sorts out his own place because its better for DS if he's stable. Also means various family members can keep an eye on him for me and make sure he's genuinely staying off the booze. I wouldn't like to let him have DS if he's still drinking. My Dad is a vulnerable adult who lives alone and gets pretty lonely so I expect he jumped at the chance to have him stay there to be honest.

I can't really tell any of them that he did this. Partly because I can't bear for them to know, but also because they are supporting him to get a place of his own. If they stopped supporting him, he might start putting pressure on me to let him come back.

I have been clear with everyone that the relationship is over and there's no going back for us. My mums reaction was not very supportive but my brothers and sisters are really stepping up to help me out.

Its strange trying to think of him as Ex. All the times I've mentioned him on here and put DP. Now he is Ex. Its weird.

My post at 12:36 yesterday gives you a way to deal with people.

Thank you @Joysmum, I must have missed that! To be fair to them, no one one actually putting any pressure on me to take him back or anything.

The police told him not to contact me for 28 days but he has passed a message through others to say he would like to discuss the situation after that expires. I think if I tell him face to face this relationship is over, rather than through others, he might actually accept it.

Try not to pin too much hope on him accepting it if you tell him in person. He only wants to speak to you to "discuss" it to coerce/manipulate/threaten you into taking him back. He didn't care what you said no to before, why would he now?

Do you want to put yourself in a position where you're having to face him down while he does that?

Do you feel strong enough to stand your ground if he starts balling and telling you he can't live without you, or threatening you if you don't cave?

You don't owe him anything. He doesn't need an explanation. He raped you.

You won't get closure from a conversation with a man like this. But you do run the very real risk of getting sucked back in to a terrible situation.

You are so amazing and brave for getting that man out of your life! You also seem to have a great relationship with dsd's mum and are great at Co parenting.
Stay strong, you deserve so much better than that prick!