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Original poster

Is this a red flag?

35 replies

LeChatDeNuit · 12/05/2018 23:03

I met somebody today from OLD. He has a daughter but he very rarely sees her because his exDW apparently withholds contact. She blocks and unblocks him. He says it was a very difficult divorce but didn’t do the ‘crazy ex’ line.

I’m confused. Surely his exDW couldn’t withhold contact with his young daughter without good reason? He claims he’s playing the ‘long game’ and thinks he’ll have a better chance of having regular access to his daughter if he waits for things to ‘blow over’.

Can anybody enlighten me? Confused

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 12/05/2018 23:06

Imo getting involved in someone you don't know and their 'baby mama drama lama' is a minefield best avoided at all costs!
Plenty more fish in the sea op.

MadeForThis · 12/05/2018 23:08

Avoid. Whatever the truth is. It's drama you don't need.

RepealRepealRepeal · 12/05/2018 23:09

Personally I'd need more information before making a decision.

My DP wasn't seeing his kids when we met as his ex wouldn't allow contact. He tried messaging her, and in the end started access proceedings against her. When I met him he was organising to have her served with a summons. She has no genuine reason to stop contact other than she wanted to, and it's still ongoing, and she's still difficult.

If he wasn't making every possible effort to see his child then it'd be a red flag for me.

BubblingUp · 12/05/2018 23:10

How old is the daughter and how long ago the divorce? Is he paying child support?

Original poster
LeChatDeNuit · 12/05/2018 23:12

She’s 8. I got the impression he is paying child support though I didn’t ask. I was fishing really to see how he would describe his ex wife. He didn’t talk about his DD at all unless I prompted him, but that could be for a number of reasons. He wasn’t nasty about his exDW. I don’t know what to think.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeChatDeNuit · 12/05/2018 23:13

I can’t help but think WHY would somebody withhold access to a child. There must be a reason!

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 12/05/2018 23:16

there could be plenty of reasons... on both sides... all of which he may not be happy about discussing with You.. having met you for the first time Today Hmm

MMmomDD · 12/05/2018 23:20

OP - if you look for red flags - you’ll keep finding them.
You just met the guy. You don’t even know yet if you’ll actually like him.
Get to know each other?

Original poster
LeChatDeNuit · 12/05/2018 23:30

I suppose I was looking for advice around whether it’s actually possible to withhold contact without good reason agreed by a court. I genuinely no nothing about the subject and obviously wouldn’t want to get into a relationship with somebody who was denied access to their child because they were abusive, for example.

OP posts:
Original poster
LeChatDeNuit · 12/05/2018 23:30

*know nothing

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 12/05/2018 23:34

Divorces are messy, with all sorts of arguments and resentments on both sides.
Untill you know more - it’s not a red flag.

But in general - you sound young (judging by the fact that child custody issues aren’t familiar) -
divorces are messy - and you must a choice of other men with less complications - so - look more.
You just met this one. He isn’t likely to be THE One

Original poster
LeChatDeNuit · 12/05/2018 23:38

It was a genuine question, MM. No need to be patronising.

OP posts:
HelpMeImUseless · 13/05/2018 00:05

Is he trying to see his daughter? If not, that's a big red flag to me.
Not fighting for her at all is pretty pathetic.

Original poster
LeChatDeNuit · 13/05/2018 00:14

No, he’s not HelpM, he’s just accepted it. Which is one of the reasons I’m confused and wondering if I’m missing something.

I think I’m going to leave it, for a number of reasons.

OP posts:
shammy1b · 13/05/2018 06:16

Ok truth here..i did it when i fell out with ex cause i was angry that he cheated..feel dumb ass now as it affected the kids as they still loved dad but yh some of us can be cows and selfish i admit...all well now but i cant lie..i did it and so have many of my friends..some have gone so far as to with hold contact but still take cash out of spite and some just use for babysitting reasons but with hold any other time so yes it can happen hun Blush

Pickleypickles · 13/05/2018 08:24

When i got with my dp he was going through court to see his dc as ex wouldn't let him for no reason. Court have awarded him contact. Ex still not playing ball. Sometimes it really is that simple.

UkulelesAndFirepits · 13/05/2018 08:38

If there is no contact order then, yes, it would be quite easy to do.

My exh and I separated nearly 6 years ago. There is no contact order because we are both reasonable people. I wouldn't dream of witholding contact but, if I did, all I'd have to do os refuse to respond to mesages, refuse to open the door, refuse to make her available to him...

He could refuse to bring her home after contact too.

It would actually he really easy to do.

I'd take the fact he didn't resort to calling her names or go into details as a positive. Although I would also be wary of getting involved with someone with significant ex issues.

I went on a first date with someone who gave me chapter and verse on the court case where he went for (and was awarded) residency of his children; his ex wife's unstable mental health (that led him going for residency in the first place); the cost of it; and the ongoing drama with her family.

Now that's a red flag!

MMmomDD · 13/05/2018 12:14

OP - I wasn’t patronising. Just answering your question.
There are plenty of less complicated fish in the sea.
And if you are young enough, you don’t need to be dating men in the age group where divorces/child custody issues creep up.

SunshineandRain18 · 13/05/2018 12:23

Grinds me when MN throws you sound young into the mix. Young doesn't make you stupid and old doesn't mean wise. OP has a good point, a man that doesn't want to fight for his child is a massive red flag.
But I agree you won't know the ins and outs unless you get to know him.

Toasttea · 13/05/2018 12:25

I wouldn’t get involved!!

Lovemusic33 · 13/05/2018 12:34

Run for the hills, I have been there several times, 99% of the time there is a good reason to withhold contact. If there was no reason he would be fighting it with the courts and would be granted contact?

I have been OLD for a while, been in a few relationships with men I have met online. What I have found is when a man say ‘my ex accused me of xyz’ it’s because they have usually done xyz.

You don’t know this man, you only have his side of the story. Not worth the hassle, find someone without the baggage.

Perfectdayx · 13/05/2018 12:38

I think it’s a bit soon to be discussing the ins and outs of the situation which might turn out to be quite different when you get to know him.

Perfectdayx · 13/05/2018 12:38

It can be a red flag if he was going on about it when you have just met. On the other hand did you ask?

Original poster
LeChatDeNuit · 13/05/2018 12:40

Thanks for the advice ladies!

There were other red flags that I won’t go into. I’m not entirely sure what the term ‘love bombed’ means but it is a good description of the date and it left me quite uncomfortable! I’ve messaged him to say I don’t want to meet again. Hopefully he won’t say something unkind in response. He doesn’t seem to be able to take ‘no’ for an answer.

OP posts:
Incarnationsofunderstanding · 13/05/2018 13:03

In fairness to him you say he hasn't bad mouthed the ex and YOU probed for information. He may well have felt uncomfortable sharing a lot of detail.

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