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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I miss my STBXH so much 😓

28 replies

sunshiney78 · 12/05/2018 17:56

It’s been 10months now that we’re separated. The divorce is half way through and he’s been living with his new partner since a month after he moved out. He did genuinely meet her after we separated, but he must have checked out a while before if he could move on that fast?

I thought I was making progress, and healing. I have been dating a bit and I suppose part of the reason I feel this way is because I recently called it quits with someone I was seeing.

I just felt all the while that I would still choose my STBX in a heartbeat, and would do anything to have him back. We have a DD6, and she’s with him this weekend, and I really want to be there with them!

I am filled with regret for all the things I did and didn’t do, and I know I’m partly to blame for our separation. It’s so true that you don’t really know what you have until it’s gone.

Background: I was constantly dithering about whether we should separate or not as he had some narcissistic traits and I brought up divorce. The next day my friend saw him on Tinder (he says he didn’t actually meet anyone & had just joined because i brought up divorce) so I asked him to leave, and he met his new partner a week later.

I have a total block as to all the reasons we didn’t work and just miss him soooo much. 😢 Can’t believe it’s 10months and I still feel this way.

OP posts:
mammynowanauntyIRL · 12/05/2018 18:00

Couldn't read & not reply Thanks

MartagonLilies · 12/05/2018 18:01

I'm sorry OP.Flowers
Have you told him how you feel? If so, what was his response? If not, why?

Barbaro · 12/05/2018 18:05

He went on tinder just because you mentioned divorce? So he didn't bother to try saving his marriage and effectively cheated on you.

You're so much better off without him, even if it feels like you aren't yet. But you will be.

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 12/05/2018 18:05

I have told him. He said that we tried and we didn’t work (I don’t agree). He seems very happy with the new partner. They’re always travelling and have an active social life.

He did leave his first wife when his DC were 4 & 7 for another woman. Maybe family life is not for him.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 12/05/2018 18:07

Are you looking back with rose tinted glasses? You must have been very unhappy at times.

Its not your fault if you raised divorce and that should not be a reason for him to jump on to a dating site.
As you said he was likely to have checked out before.

Be honest, what were the issues?

MumofBoysx2 · 12/05/2018 18:07

So it's only been 9 months since he met this woman and they already live together? It all sounds like it happened so quickly, are you sure he wasn't seeing her before? And finding him on tinder just the day after you mentioned divorce - any worthwhile man would be fighting for the marriage, not giving up that easily! Maybe you should have a girly holiday with someone you really trust and laugh with, to help put this sad situation out of your mind.

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 12/05/2018 18:09

...I did ask him to come back to work things out 2 weeks after I asked him to leave post Tindergate. At that point he said “sorry, I moved on”.

OP posts:
Barbaro · 12/05/2018 18:16

Relationships are not for him. He has 3 kids to 2 different women, both of whom he was married to. He won't be with this new one for very long either.

Move on and find someone better, you will and you will look back and laugh about why you ever wanted him back. He is no prize catch.

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 12/05/2018 18:16

He moved in with her a month after I asked him to leave. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t seeing her before.
I know I am looking back with rose tinted glasses. I mean his financial offer in the divorce settlement was zero except child maintenance according to CMA. He lied on the Form E financial disclosure. He was a bit of a bully in our marriage. He makes passes at me all the time despite being with new partner.

OP posts:
KirstenRaymonde · 12/05/2018 18:25

This man is a dick, you are better off without him, even though it doesn’t feel like that at the moment. Could you seek some counselling to talk through your feelings impartially?

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 12/05/2018 18:30

Yes, I did. The counsellor asked me how my best friend or sister would describe him. And the answer was “a horrible human being”. I suppose I just have to keep reminding myself of the bad times.

OP posts:
category12 · 12/05/2018 18:38

Do you have sex with him when he makes these passes?

eightfacesofthemoon · 12/05/2018 18:39

He 100% sounds like a horrible human being
You should trust your best friend/sister on this
You deserve someone so much better

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 12/05/2018 18:42

Oh no, I’ve never been been intimate with him since he moved out. But it does mess with my head a bit, the way he looks at me with that gleam in his eye, like he used to. But he’s clear he doesn’t want to reconcile.

OP posts:
Storm4star · 12/05/2018 18:44

Wait, so basically he went, a week later he met a woman, 3 weeks after that he was living with her??? Yes I think he is narcissistic, this is classic narc behaviour. This isn’t a new woman, it’s a new victim! Yes, remind yourself of the bad times, every minute of every day if you have to! Then remind yourself that you’re lucky, you’ve escaped! You can do so much better OP. Trust me, one day you will look back on this and thank your lucky starts he went! I know it doesn’t feel that way now, but you will. Take care of you 😊

Butterymuffin · 12/05/2018 18:44

He moved in with her a month after I asked him to leave. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t seeing her before.

Even if he wasn't that is unbelievably fast moving on. So much so that he isn't the person you have built him up to be. Neither of them sound like good catches so they probably deserve each other. Not that that necessarily helps! 10 months is not that long in the scheme of things and it's not surprising to still feel sad about losing the future you'd hoped for. You have to stick it out, play the long game and trust that better days lie ahead. Flowers

MartagonLilies · 12/05/2018 18:45

I'm glad you told him then. You have your answer, take him at his word. Fuck him anyway, what kind of a tosser behaves this way?
OP, you won't see it now, however things will be so much better if you just embrace the situation for what it is, and try to get over him. This will pass, honestly Flowers

bastardkitty · 12/05/2018 18:47

I think you were absolutely bang on when you asked him to leave. He's a cheater and you know it. But the speed of his moving on is making you doubt yourself. He sounds like a first class prick to me. And he will do it again, for sure.

isthismylifenow · 12/05/2018 18:50

He is messing with your head OP. To me it seems like you are down generally and you are highlighting good parts of the relationship, and not the reason for the initial split.

category12 · 12/05/2018 18:51

No, it's clear that he doesn't want a relationship with you. Just wondered if you were falling for it.

It's hard feeling that interchangeable - my ex also moved in with someone else very quickly. (Although he kept begging to come back, which made it easier. I think it's easier when it feels like your choice.)

I think the only answer is time and making your life as good as you can. Ten months isn't long in the scale of things.

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 12/05/2018 18:53

Thank you all for your supportive replies. Flowers Yes, it seems I have a severe case of rose tinted glasses, probably because I’m lonely at the moment.

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 12/05/2018 18:53

You're fantasizing about getting back together with an utter dick. A 'man' who moved in with another woman within a month of leaving you and meeting her in that timeframe. A man who said he had moved on '2 weeks' after he left and you wobbled. A man who left his first wife and children behind without much of a thought. A man who has lied on financial forms so he doesn't have to contribute fair amounts for the child he has with you. Presumably, he has done that for his first children, too.

Get some counselling. You need to find out why you want to keep this dick in your life and stop it! You also don't want to date a similar dick.

Original poster
sunshiney78 · 12/05/2018 19:00

BewareOfDragons so so true.

OP posts:
SoapOnARoap · 12/05/2018 21:18

I think and I mean this with kindness, that you need to take of the rose tinted glasses & move on, like he has.

You can do better than that Flowers

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 12/05/2018 22:01

Oh get a grip, he chose somebody else. These dickheads only get to behave like dickeads bacause wet partners allow them to. Pathetic.

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